Hillsong

 I have had a 21 year long obsession with a worship band called Hillsong. They came to my mega church in California when I was 16. My mom got me 3 of their CD's. I listened to them a lot. Then I went to Taiwan at age 23. A full time missionary there gave me a Hillsong United CD. I listened to that over and over. The next 15 years I looked them up on Youtube.com a lot. My favorite thing to do was always to watch their music videos on YouTube. Every song was exhilarating and breath taking to me. I saw a preview for their movie Let Hope Rise a few years ago. I couldn't wait to see it. Today I finally watched it. It was great! 

At age 28 I had actually flown to Australia. My main goal was to propose marriage to Joel Houston, the lead singer. 😁 But I think I would have been too late. :( I have since read that he got married that year, 2012. Sadness. 😪 He married a gorgeous model. I hope that they are still happy. She better be the most wonderful wife ever to him. 

Hillsong is still writing great songs that draw me closer to God. Good job Hillsong! You all are so awesome! I have been one of your biggest fans since a long time ago. Great will be your rewards in heaven. 😃 You are awesome Joel Houston! 

Fun or Safe?

 Life is almost always either fun or safe. It is either boring or stressful. You can be bored and safe or have fun but be stressed out. This is probably why so many people let themselves get stressed, because it is fun. We love roller coasters and say they are fun, but actually they are very stressful. So we think stress is fun. Why..... 😟

Having a family of 10 kids sounds fun, but it will probably be very stressful. Being a stay at home mom can be boring, but at least it is safe and usually it is not stressful. 

So every week we all have to pick what we prefer, safety or stress. My mom's side of the family always picked whatever is safe. My dad's side always picked whatever is fun but not safe. 

When I helped run an after school program, any time I did a game with the kids some kids got hurt. But the games were fun. Seeing kids get hurt wasn't fun. 😪 Eventually I decided to have no more games so no one else got hurt, but then we all were bored, but at least we all were safe and at peace. 

Dating is fun, but people get hurt and it is stressful. Marriage is fun and safe, depending on who you marry. 😀 Working with pizza is fun but extremely stressful. Driving a car is fun but not really safe. But we all still take that gamble of possibly dying every time we get in a car. 😣

Skydiving totally seems not safe, but it would be fun. Getting drunk is not safe, but it can be fun. You can easily fall and get hurt, or hurt a person's feelings by saying retarded things. Eating anything with sugar is not safe but fun. You could end up in the dentist office from having too much sugar and endure extreme pain. But we eat tons of sugar anyways. 😣

The only things that are safe and fun are sleeping and watching movies. That is why I love those two things very much. 😁 Go watch some good movies y'all. God bless. 😀

Unconditional Love

 God loves you! No matter what you do or don't do, he will love you no matter what. He loves you simply because he created you. 

Most people don't love like that. They love you because you do things that please them. We constantly have to earn a person's love and be careful of what we say or do. God knows you to your core and he cares deeply about you. He is not surprised about anything you say or think. He is madly in love with you. 

Don't worry about making God not love you anymore. That is impossible. He is always running to you with open arms wanting to just hold you. All he wants is to be your best friend. Talk to him. He is always at your side waiting to hear what you want to say. 

God is love. Never forget that. 😃

Self-Control

 The Bible doesn't tell us to try controlling others. It tells us to have self-control. Often times we try to control others because we feel we are unable to control ourselves, so it becomes a nice distraction. Control your own desires and impulses. You will have a lot more confidence if you can. 😃

We all know if we get out of control, it is hard to reign ourselves back in. I used to love shopping a lot and I would always think "the shopping bug bit me." Meaning I felt it became out of control like a disease or it became an obsession.

 God tells us to not be mastered by anything. God is my God. Not stores or online shopping or cheesecake 😁 or candy. "You shall have no other gods before me." What is your God? If God the Father is your only god, it will be a lot easier to have self-control. The things of this world will seem less appealing to you. 

"Fix your eyes on things above, not on earthly things." 

When Things Fall Apart

 I have seen 3 movies about divorce. Mrs. Doubtfire, A Marriage Story and The Story of Us. There is always lots of yelling and disrespect in those movies. You can't yell at your spouse and stay married, generally. But what you see as a kid, you often repeat in your own marriage. My parents had some crazy fights, so then I had some crazy fights with my ex. If I could go back in time I would have just gone to get a smoothie instead of yell at my ex. Maybe that would have worked. Maybe. 😣

For some reason couples forget to be careful with each other. They both start to assume that the other person will always be there. To assume makes an ass out of you and me, my dad always used to say. Don't ever assume your marriage will last no matter what you do or say. You have to show each other respect. You have to hug and kiss each other often. You have to cuddle and show affection. I recommend sex every day, but each couple has their own preference. The more you talk, the more you desire each other. Never stop inventing new foods to make for each other. Keep life interesting for them. Women, dress more sexy. Men, dress nicer. Don't forget about each other when the kids are around. I know it's very hard to focus on each other still, but you have to try hard, or else you begin to fall out of love. 

Kids always blame themselves for a divorce but it usually is not the kids' fault at all. It is the ego and pride and stubborn nature of the parents. They refuse to accept help or guidance from each other. One or both think they will be fine on their own. Or they think their mate is better off without them. In some cases that is true. My anxiety greatly improved after I separated from my ex husband. He went insane and it started making me feel insane too. It was like the rain finally stopped and I could see the sun again. 

Marriage is hard. Divorce is even harder. But I have always said "Better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all." At least it was a fun ride while it lasted. But all good things come to an end, or so we are told. 

At some point you get tired of loosing every great relationship you begin and you get smarter. That is the phase I am in now. Hopefully I will be smarter this time around. Pray for me. Thanks all. 😃

Are You Faithful?

 I have been cheated on many times by many different guys. I cheated one time on one guy. The main cause of being unfaithful is ingratitude. Why are you not thankful for what you already have? Why is it not good enough for you? If you want to stay faithful, stay grateful for your lover. The more grateful you are for all that your lover does, the more you will love them, and the easier it is to be faithful. 

Porn is evil. It can serve a purpose, so you won't stay sexually frustrated too long, but generally it will destroy your relationships. The more you love your spouse, the less you should want to watch porn. 

If you want your mate to be faithful to you, then be faithful to them. What goes around comes around. If you cheat, they are somewhat allowed to cheat then. Of course the relationship should probably just end, if you can't be happy with who you have. 

Jesus said the only legit reason for divorce was cheating. The reason is because if you are so done with your mate that you would cheat, then the relationship can't be saved. Some people do bring the love back, but it's very hard. If you really love your partner, you won't cheat. And if you don't really love them, why are you wasting their time? Let them go find someone who will really love them. 

Stay faithful or leave. May God give you all wisdom in your relationships. 

Be Gentle

 I think God lets us experience pain, whether it's physical or emotional, to make us more gentle. For some, it can make them hard. For others, it makes them softer. Pain leads to humility. The more humble we are, the more gentle we are. Callous, prideful people who care about no one but themselves are almost never gentle. The more you learn to love others, the more gentle you become. Being a parent helps us all become more gentle. Being out in the world makes you tough, but it can take away your gentleness.  Keep your gentle heart. Don't let Satan take away your gentleness. That is the main thing that makes you a wonderful human being. :)

Be Good

 Moral integrity seems to have flown out the window in our modern world. Don't be like bad people just because they seem cool. Is their life going well? Do they have peace and love in their life? If not then why try to imitate them? Follow God, not the world. Do good. Be good. Great will be your rewards in heaven. 

Be Patient

 "Those who wait on the Lord will soar on wings like eagles." 

The opposite of patience is anger. When you think things should go your way right now, and you refuse to wait on God, you get angry. But always remember, "anger lodges in the heart of fools." "Man's anger does not produce the righteousness of God." 

The better you get at waiting, the more peaceful your life will be. God wants us to have visions for a more happy future but while we wait for it, he wants us to have a great attitude. Things will happen when they are meant to be. We should not rush it. 

In the garden before Jesus died he said to God, "Let this cup pass from me" meaning I would love to not have to get this done "yet not my will. Your will be done." 

Joy

We all wish we had more joy in life. Where can you find joy? In loving and serving God. In trying to help others be happy. The more you try to make yourself happy, the less you will be happy. The more you strive to make others happy, the more you will find true happiness. 

For example today I made a steak, but it only brought me true joy when I gave some of it to my kittens. 😁 Sharing things brings us joy. 

Pride kills joy. As long as you think you rule the world, you will not be happy. You will only be angry a lot, because you cannot have as much authority over things as you want to. Only God gets to call the shots. God is God, and you are not. The faster you take that in fully, the happier you will become. You are nothing. God is everything. Humility brings more joy to your life. 

Gratitude brings joy. The more thankful you feel over what you already have, the more joy you will experience. 

Coveting what others have kills any joy. Love what you have. Don't worry about what others have. 

Chocolate brings joy. You have probably noticed that. 😁 Cuddling brings you joy. Loving others in any way brings joy. Hugging cats brings joy. Cleaning your house can bring you tons of joy. 😀 Getting great food to eat, long naps, sun tanning, mint tea, long baths, looking at flowers, bunnies....these all give me joy. 

Don't just search for joy in alcohol. There is some joy there. But lasting and full joy can only be found in loving God and knowing God. 😁

Peace

 "Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God."

One time I gave a very important bracelet to a friend. It said Peacemaker. Toward the end he was not much of a peacemaker 😪 but maybe that bracelet made him want to try hard to be one. I think if we all wore a bracelet that said Peacemaker all the time we might behave differently. 

God calls us to live at peace with all people. Peace is the main thing God desires for our mind and our life. He very much wants us to stay in peace, but it can be hard to find and maintain peace. 

So many people chase peace. They think drugs or sex or sleep or food will bring them peace. These things may bring momentary peace. But the only way to get peace and maintain peace is through prayer. Through bonding with God, connecting with God, knowing God you will finally have peace. When you know that all things will work for your good, you can remain in peace. When you know that God will vindicate any wrongs against you, you will remain in peace. When you know that in Christ you are more than a conqueror at all times, you can remain in peace. 

Peace is something that can only be found in a close knit relationship with God. Augustine said, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee." The more you chase after peace, the harder it is to find. The world and Satan and your crazy mind tell you where to find peace, but they are all futile attempts. They are empty wells. You go down for water and come up with nothing. You tried and tried and tried to get peace, but you can't get peace for yourself, not lasting peace.  

When you forgive Everyone, and I mean every single person who has hurt you, abandoned you, betrayed you, then you will finally have peace. 

Let go and let God take over. God will pay you back somehow when others mess up your life. God will reward you for not trying to get revenge. God will make you prosper and have peace when you choose his ways of peace. Be a peacemaker. You will be happier and your life will go much better. 

If you want peace, be a peaceful person. May God bless you as you try to stay in peace. 😉😀

My Perfect Life

 God told me a few weeks ago, "From now on, just do what makes you happy."

So this became my daily routine and it all makes me very happy. Almost every morning I get up at 8. I make toast and coffee ☕ or some mint tea. Then I go outside to water our grass and 🌳trees. I give my kittens milk and hot dogs. I sit out and sun tan for like 10 minutes. Then I come back in and write a blog or go cuddle with my sweetie. 💑 Then I make a bunch of bracelets 📿 while listening to music or sermons on YouTube. Then around noon I make eggs for my hubby and wake him up. Then we may go walk around a lake 🗻⛲ by here, which I hope to do every day now. Then we come home and cuddle 😘 and watch a fun, happy movie. Then he goes off to work 😢 and I take a long nap. I wake up around 6pm and eat a salad. Then I make more bracelets or read my book, Crazy Faith. Then I read the Bible 📖 for awhile. Then I take a long bath and sing along to my favorite music. Then my hubby comes home and we eat burgers 🍔 and drink beer 🍺 together and talk. Then we have some super hot sex 🔥and go to sleep. 

I love my great life. Now, dear reader, go create a perfect day like that and put that day on repeat. 😊

Empires Falling

 Anger, greed and lust has caused every empire I have ever tried to build come crashing down. First there was my family. I was married and had 2 sweet daughters. But my temper made it dissolve and fall to pieces. My ex knew how to push my buttons. It seemed he wanted me to loose my cool. I know he wanted out because he was tired of being the sole provider. He kept pushing me to go make money. All he thought about was his love of money. I wasn't a good enough money making slave for him so he was done.  He tried to rile me up and to scare me away. He was tired of sharing his "wealth" with me. He didn't really have wealth but for some reason he thought he did. He didn't realize God gave him that wealth to take care of me and our daughters. So his greed and my anger and his lust for porn made that empire fall into pieces. What we tried so hard for 7 years to build exploded in one day. He threatened me with a pocket knife, so I told him to go live with his family. 

Then I tried to build a new empire, my Papa John's empire. There was no destructive greed this time, but there was lust, and a lot of it. Me and Thomas lusted after each other, so things couldn't stay calm and professional. I should have married him. He indirectly asked me to run away with him when we first met. Very lovely idea I thought. But I was already hooked on doing pizza deliveries. I didn't want to give up the excitement of that and the independence of it. Toward the end, his anger got explosive and he scared me away. He didn't get what he wanted, because he was too afraid to ask me to marry him again. So I moved away. 

Then I tried building my next Papa John's empire and my only apartment on my own. I worked harder then I've ever worked in my life, but I had tons of fun doing it. There was some greed. I was hungry for more hours and raises and more tip money. But I had to pay $850 a month for my own apartment so that made sense. I was filled with lust for a co worker. I constantly thought about him. It was an obsession really. It was because that work place was my whole life. I had nothing going on besides Papa John's. I was obsessed with that store. I did have a secret lover though. He exploded in anger at me several times, due to his own sexual frustration. Then our friend Michael died and the empire fell down. In my grief I could not keep going. I fell down weak and breathless. Satan took me out this time with grief. 

Now I am building my last and final beautiful house and family empire. First I made a perfect living space set up. I made it look like heaven on earth in here. Then I focused on building lasting love with my mate. Then I grew a perfect backyard and created a wonderful kitten family. Now that all that is complete, I am working on my bracelet empire for the 200th time. But that is God's empire, not mine. 😊 

And I believe we will live happily ever after in this final empire of ours. I have faith that the evil side of greed and lust and anger will have no place here. I know that our lust will only be for each other, our greed will only be to provide for our future family, and our anger will only be at evil and trying to push out the darkness. All things are as they should be, finally. I can finally rest. This is going to be awesome. I know in my second perfect family attempt all will go well, forever. Thank you Jesus that it will. I have faith. 

Enjoy Life

We had the best dinner ever last night, steak and cheesecake yes! My house still smells awesome like steak cooking. 😀

I was thinking yesterday how extremely happy my life is now. It all hit me. 😊 I have my sweet kittens. I have the Sweetest hubby ever! I have coffee and great snacks and salads and tons of milk. 😊 I am making my missionary bracelets again. I made tons of kids ones that say l❤U. Now I am making tons that say Fear Not, regarding Covid. I leave them all over stores as, what I feel, is a more effective Bible tract. I know God is telling me they are super effective. On my last bracelet distribution I felt God said possibly 100 people got saved as a result of that. Praise Jesus! 😀 

If you are bored, go have tons of fun making Jesus bracelets too. It is the most rewarding  hobby possible. Whatever you choose to do with all your spare time, I hope you enjoy saving people too! The end is near, maybe. Let's get this sad world closer to God before it's too late. Come up with your own creative idea of how to save the lost. I thought about physically handing my bracelets to people who are out shopping. Maybe someday I will feel bold enough to do that. 😂

Look up the songs I Will Trust, Echo Holy and Gratitude by Red Rocks Worship. Great songs! 

May God bless you! And may you Love your life too. 😍😊

The Benefits of Fasting

 Try fasting for 24 hours. It will break your addiction to sleep and food and teach you better self-control.

God asked me to give up smoking first, then coffee and now I am trying to fast from food. When fasting you can drink any liquid. Just abstain from solid food for a day or so. Next I will give up my phone for a few weeks. 

Giving up smoking was a bit hard. Giving up coffee was actually easy. Giving up food for 24 hours is very hard. 

I was reading in Luke yesterday, the story of the rich young ruler. He told Jesus that he fasted 2 days every week. I wonder what Jesus thought about that. I'm sure he was at least slightly impressed. He was like an A plus student according to Jewish law. 

The Jews fasted twice a week. Most Americans fast almost never. Not that that is bad. It is wonderful that we are so blessed. But maybe that is why we have a reputation for being spoiled and conceited. We rarely look outside of ourselves at the world around us. We rarely try to practice self-control. Do you know people in your city that are hungry? Why don't you eat less so they can eat more? 

Food was never meant to be our God, but so often we let it become our God. Try to give up food for a day. Overall, it will increase your mental health and your appreciation for the small things in life. 

No Phone Soon 😪

 A month ago God told me to give up coffee for 2 weeks. In 10 days I will give up the internet and my phone for awhile. That should be interesting. Torture possibly. Or it could be good. 😀 I shall become Amish for awhile. 😂 I always wanted to be Amish actually. It seems like a much more peaceful life. 

If you feel able to take a break from your phone and the internet, try it. It could be very good for your soul. 

Hell is For Real

 If you are on the "highway to hell" I hope you care, and I hope you will change. Turn or burn y'all. 😳

There IS a hell. It is not some made up place to scare you into going to church more or giving your church more money. Hell is a real place with real fire and eternal torture. If you don't believe in it, you are probably acting stupidly. You are believing what you want to believe. "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." 

 Just because You would never send a person to hell doesn't mean God wouldn't. But let's be honest here. I guarantee you that there are a few people you would want God to send to hell. So you know deep down that it must be a real place and some people deserve to be there. 

Don't be one of those people. 

Change for the better so you will never ever get sent there. Trust me, you don't want to go there. It is Not a party. It is an eternal fire that burns your skin forever. I worked with pizza. That oven burned me many times. I can't imagine that pain all over my skin forever. 

Repent. Change. Let God renew your mind. Be a better person so that God will want to reward you with a spot in heaven. Don't go to hell. I don't want you to have to worry about going there. 

Left Handed

 "Left-handedness is also known as 'sinistrality' because left-handed people were once thought to be demons."

My whole family besides me is left handed. And they did seem demon filled actually. 😢 They are naturally more emotional so that can make them more prone to demonic oppression and possession.  😔

I always wondered why I felt so different from my mom, dad and brother. I use the left side of my brain since I am right handed. The left side is a lot more rational, logical and calm. Left handed people use the right side of the brain, which is more emotional.

 I was always told lefties are more artistic. I know my brother was an incredible artist. He could draw anything. I painted for awhile to prove I could be artsy too. :)

"A study in The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease suggested that those who are left-handed are more prone to negative emotions. It also found that when processing emotions, lefties have a greater imbalance in activity between the left and right brains."

May God help you if you are left handed. 😉😂 And if you are more artistic, use your gifts well. It will help you process all those emotions. 😀

The Darkness

 I have had the darkness messing with me ever since I got baptized by the Holy Spirit 5 years ago. Before that they didn't seem to care what I did or wrote online. But after that happened I think they could feel the fire in my words. I got kicked off Facebook about a year after that. It might be that a fire hose of good words were coming out of me and it was too much for "them." I posted a lot of things about gayness which I guess made a lot of the powerful people mad. If you are reading this I'm sorry. God still loves you if you are gay but he wants us all to try to be perfect in his eyes. We can't be totally perfect but we can try. God loves you all! 

Push back the darkness. 😉

A Million Saved

 My current goal is to save one million people in the next 5 years. Join me, won't you? What else is more fulfilling then helping people find God? Jesus told us to make disciples of all nations. He told us to go into all the world. Starting at age 14 I physically tried to do that. I went on missions trips to India and Taiwan and Mexico. Then after Facebook and Twitter were created I realized I can be a missionary to the entire world without leaving my house. That is the "greater things" that Jesus was referring to. He said that we could do greater things then he did. 

Do you ever think of the enormous effect you can have on the entire world through social media? How many people do you want to help God save in your life span? My goal is 10 million in my 90 years of life. I probably will live that long, even though I would prefer a shorter life. 😂

 "All things are possible to those who believe." Go make disciples. And don't just "pray the prayer" with someone. Disciple them. I feel like my blog is my way to disciple all y'all at once. 

I believe and speak over you that God will multiply your efforts. He will bring a ripple effect to any small thing you do to increase his kingdom. Keep pressing on in doing good deeds, in saving the lost. Don't grow weary and loose heart. God sees all that you do. He will always find a way to pay you back for any ministry you do to grow his kingdom. Keep loving others. Keep serving. May God bless y'all. 😉

Insane

 Have you known anyone who went insane? Every single person I have gotten close to went insane; all 5 of my exes, my dad, my mom, my brother, friends I've had at work like Thomas, Chewy and Tyler.  Satan knows he can't make me go crazy, but he is very good at making anyone I love go crazy. Anyone who has tried to protect me or help me in some way, Satan takes away from me by turning them against me or blinding them in some way. You think you have been attacked spirituality? Try loosing everyone you love to evil spirits and deception. 

No matter how much I tried to bring them into the light, they fell headlong into the darkness. 

A side note about insanity, the more bad things you do, the more insane you will become. Don't do bad things, in order to prevent insanity. 

The Bible says that we did Not receive a spirit of fear but rather a sound mind. We are called to love God with our whole mind.

 Insanity is very scary. You Have to Control Your Thoughts. You can't let demons run crazy all over in your head. You have to learn to tell Satan to shut the f.... up. You can't play games with the devil. He is Not your friend. Don't take sides with Satan and throw your friend or wife or family member under the buss. Why would you want to be on Satan's side? You know that is the loosing team right? Tell him to get the heck out of your head and your life and your marriage and your work place and your home and everything you do. Tell him he is not welcome. You can't be nice to everyone. Please, for the sake of your loved ones, Don't Ever be nice to Satan. If you are, you will go crazy at some point. It is only a matter of time. 

Keep your wits about you. Stay sane. Stay loving. Stay in God's light. And stay far, far away from the darkness. 

Next Joyce Meyer

 My dream for the last 15 years has been to be the next Joyce Meyer. I have greatly admired her teaching for 15 years and have benefited a lot from her wise words. I have read a few of her books. Beauty for Ashes, where she tells her whole abuse story, was the best one for me. I attended a conference of hers in L.A. with some of my college friends when I was 22. I wasn't sure what to think of her at first. She said in her service that anyone could pray in tongues "and so now receive the baptism of the Holy Ghost." I left there talking to my friend about it. I knew that was not how it is supposed to work. The process of the total filling with the Holy Spirit is usually not instantaneous. It was in the book of Acts for some people but we don't know their journey with God before that. 

You need to grow into your faith. It is not just some potion that you swallow and shazzam, magically you are deeply in love with God and will follow his word forever. How can you follow it if you don't know it? It is not magic. It is hard work. Just like any friendship or romantic relationship you have been in, it requires work and studying God and communicating with him. Some people experience love at first sight. For most people love grows steadily with time. It is the same with God. You might have a moment where you fall in love with God, or several moments, but it is not simply magic. It takes effort. It takes reading his word and playing worship music. Becoming a follower of God is very complex. You can have it and loose it if you become lazy. Or you can keep your walk with God forever. It all depends on how much effort you want to put out for God. 

Anyways I know I am currently in a time of preparation. God will launch me back out in the world eventually. For now I am enjoying my safe little cocoon. But maybe I really will be the next Joyce Meyer someday. God willing. :) 

My Sweetie

 The color of your eyes takes my breath away 

I love seeing you smile 

I love caressing your hair 

I love snuggling up to your neck 

Your strong tall back turns me on 

Your muscles are stunning 

You have become my best friend

I love talking to you 

I love holding you 

I love the way we make love 

You are so, so hot 🔥

Thank you for taking such great care of me 

I promise I will always take great care of you too

My sweetie, my lover, my handsome prince 

😘😀😊

Safari

 The kitten charges into the thick forest fearlessly 🐱 🌳

He ferociously climbs the tall trees like a regal tiger 🐅

In search of his first wild catch 🐦

He jumps down and leaps over the ferns with agility 🌿

His siblings join him eagerly 😸 🐱 🐱

They lay in wait for their gourmet meal 🐰🐤🐿

Food is all that matters to these kittens 🍗🍖🍔🍤🍣

Besides their ruler Lisa. She is cool too. 👧😂

Together they will catch one of those crazy birds 🐦 

Maybe today is the day 😀🌞

Pray for them 🙏 😂

Father's Day Sucks

 My dad almost rapped me when I was 6. Ever since then the term father makes me feel sad and filled with anger and regret and shame. I wish my mom would have never married my dad. I wish I never had a father. I wish she would have had me and then ran far away from him. He was evil and crazy and beyond stupid. I hope you all had a good dad. My mom was a single mom for 8 years. My dad never paid child support. He never came to my sports games or my church performances. He never sent me birthday cards or money. He was by far the most idiotic man anyone has ever known. He caused my whole life to be sad. Have I forgiven him? Of course. I know as a Christian I am supposed to. But I will never forget what he did and the effects of what he did. I have tried letting it go. For the most part I have. I almost never think about him. I don't pray things against him, but I don't pray in favor of him either. I hope he has learned his lesson from his 10 years in prison after molesting more kids. I hope he will Never molest any other children ever again. I hope he is rehabilitated. I don't plan to ever see him again. We have not talked since I was 20 and I decided to cut communication with him, with the encouragement from my counselor. I have not missed him at all. I hope he kills himself at some point because America would be much better without him. 

Basic Questions

 The basic question of every man is, "Do I have what it takes?" Every woman often wants to ask, "Am I beautiful?" This is why men take being fired so hard and women take a break up very hard. Then a man starts to think, "I don't have what it takes. I have nothing to offer society." A lady after a break up thinks, "No one wants me. I am not beautiful." This is why women need to date a lot after a break up. You need to be reaffirmed. Maybe one guy tossed you aside like you meant nothing but another guy will treasure you. There are plenty of fish out there. So have fun fishing. 😉 And men if you get fired, find a good hobby to reaffirm your usefulness. Or try a new kind of work, or an old kind of work that you liked a lot. See it as an opportunity to get a job you will love more. And ladies now you can find a man who will love you more. Sometimes the grass IS greener somewhere else. Go find your greener grass. 😀

Crippled by Grief

 I keep thinking of going back to work but I have a hard time working when I know I don't have to. My main goal now is to have a family with my hubby. I also need time to recover because I feel crippled by grief. So many things have happened to me in my life time and they have made me feel very weak. But when we are weak God can be strong. When we finally say to God,"Ok I'm done." God says, "Don't worry I'll take care of you. I got you. Don't give up totally on life please. I have more plans for you. Keep living. Keep going. This will all be worth it in the end. I promise." 

Stay Planted

 Normal life that is predictable might feel boring at times, but at least it is safe. Stay safe. Stay in one place. Stay planted. I keep watching movies about these idiots who want to go off on some grand adventure and then they regret it. They get abused and feel lost and almost end up dying. All because they didn't want to just Stay in one place. Stay where you are familiar with your world. Don't chase something crazy. Do what you have always done and stay grounded. Be at rest with your life as it is. 

"You don't know what you want because you already have it."

Realize that your life is good already and be grateful. The better planted you are, the healthier you will be. When plants are moved, often times they die. Don't loose your roots. Don't forget your upbringing. What did you want to grow up to be as a kid? Do it. Don't let your depression stop you from believing your dreams can become a reality, but be wise. Learn to step with baby steps. Our dreams are accomplished one baby step at a time. 😉

Your Faith Matters

 "He who believes he can and he who believes he can't are both correct." 

What you believe you are capable of is what you will be capable of. You can limit yourself or make yourself limitless with your thoughts. 

How do you see yourself? Do you believe Satan when he tells you that you won't do anything great? Or do you retort back, "Shut up Satan. You can't stop me. I Will do amazing things. I have done great stuff before and I will do it all again." 

Remember who you are. Remember the good things from your past. You can accomplish great things if you believe that you can. Don't quit your race halfway through. Finish it well. 

Be Careful

 Watch out for how well you take care of yourself. Be careful with what you do. You only get one life. You only get one body. You only get one mind. Watch over it well. 

So many people are reckless with their mind and body. They need to be more gentle in how they manage what God gave them and appreciate it more.

I can understand not wanting to live forever. We all shorten our life span in our own way. But God wants you to have a full life, to enjoy life. God wants you to have the kind of life that you would want to stay alive forever for. You can make or break your day or your week or your life with the decisions you make. Don't steal or lie to have a great life, but do good things that would ensure your life is better. Don't be lazy. If there are small things you can do to enjoy life more, then do them. 

Life was meant to be Lived. Live it to the fullest. 😀

Roughing It

 Our water was off in the whole city for 30 hours. A major pipe exploded. I realized pooping in a grocery bag works well. And then just throw it outside. 

Luckily my super hero bf found water. I had plenty of juice and milk but it was great he could find a case of water too. There is nothing like loosing your water to really bond a couple. I love my sweetie so much! 

I felt like God said the water shortage could be a shadow of things to come. If we are going to live through the Great Tribulation, which we might be in already, God will give us the peace and courage to get through it. 

I always think of the movie I Am Legend regarding the end. I have my safe house again. Thank you Jesus! My bf will make a terrific body guard. I have my pets to keep me happy. I know I will be ok. Bring it on anti-Christ, wherever you are. Or not....lol

One of the seals in Revelation sounds like a massacre of Christians. That has been happening all over already. Thank you God for protecting me. If you are still alive, there is a reason. God wants you to be a voice of truth in your arena, your circle of people. Get to know God better so you can help others know him better too.

May God bless you as you share your faith with others. Don't be scared. 😉😊

You are all awesome! 

Be Honest

 You might lie to get what you want, but then you will loose it. 

You can lie to keep what you have, but it won't work. 

A lie is always found out. Uncovered. It cannot stay hidden forever. 

Satan is the father of lies. When we lie we are being the most like Satan. 

Why do you lie? 

To gain something? 

"What profit is it if you gain the whole world but loose your soul?" 

Many guys have lied to me in my lifetime. God took care of the consequences for that. 

When you lie, you show no respect. Remember to respect other people. You are not the only person alive that matters. 

I am so thankful my current bf is very honest. 

Pick honesty the next time you are confronted. That shows courage. Boldness. And kindness. 

Always tell the truth. Your life will turn out a lot better. 

Money

 Money is power. Get as much money as you can. But "The love of money is the root of all evil." 

Money can make you happy. The Bible says, "God you have filled me with greater joy then when the new wine abounds." 

Money will protect you and provide for you. But I know God is my main source for protection and provision. 

Money is the best thing in the world to have. No God is. And the best things in life are free. 

"You cannot serve two masters. You cannot love both God and money." 

What can money buy? Bread. Milk. Good AC. Water. 

What can money never buy? Love. Peace. Fulfillment. Good talking times. 

Chase after God and the money will come. "Delight yourself in the Lord and he shall give you the desires of your heart." 

Fulfill Your Mission

We often wonder why we are alive. Most people try to solve that question by doing too much stuff but then they feel stressed out all the time. Busyness is not fulfilling your commission on this earth. What does God want you to do all day every day? Focus on Him. Consider the future plans he has for you. Learn from your past and dream of a better future. He has plans to give you a hope and a good future. Listen for that still small voice when you feel lost. It is easy to not know what direction to go. God cannot steer a ship that never moves, so go somewhere. Do something. Have dreams and goals of your own, but also see what God has for you to do. Often we confuse what other people want us to do with what God wants. Hone in on God's voice. His is the main voice that matters. 

Drinking in Excess

 Alcohol is called spirits for a reason. I tried to warn my dead friend that but no, he shut his ears to my attempts to advise him on anything. If only the idiot men I've known would have listened to me....

By all means, enjoy a little late evening drink. But be wise. Don't try to hurt yourself too much. 

With any guy I am around who drinks or smokes excessively I always ask them, "Why do you want to die???" It is a half joke. But seriously if you hurt your body a lot with junk food or toxic substances, why do you want to kill yourself? What is wrong? Is your life really that bad? 

If it is bad then change something. If you hate an aspect of your life, then change it instead of trying to numb your pain. Stop trying to kill yourself. Just change your life so you can actually enjoy it. 

What aspect of your life needs to change? Change it. Do it. 

Women Working

 I read a great book in college called "What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us." I have no idea who told me to read it but it was eye opening. It said when women work, they are constantly thinking about their home or their kids. But when at home, they constantly think about work. Should women do both? It is hard to do both. I don't recommend it.

 Women in the work place is also not good because emotional affairs often develop. If a woman has a bf or a husband, generally, she should not be talking to other men. Therefore she should not be working. Men should adequately provide for their women so she can be at home. 

But work can be fun. It is nice to be out and have friends. If you are a woman working with men just be careful to not get too close. Your heart is for your husband and no other man. Be faithful. I have seen so many work emotional affairs and it made me so sad. Stay loyal to your man. If you really love him, that will be easy, even if you are working. 

Not Pregnant Yet

 When women PMS they call it pissed at men syndrome. I think generally the woman is pissed at her man for not getting her pregnant yet. This time of me not being pregnant I am a bit mad at God. I thought he wanted me to do this. He gave me a dream of having 10 kids with my bf. I think mainly God is telling me we weren't cemented together enough as a couple yet. You can't let a baby be the reason you are together. It should be a love for each other that keeps you together. So many people just stay together for the kids, or to have kids. But it should go deeper then that. Are you really in love with your mate? Do you stay with them because you really love them? 

 I know I am super in love with Zach. Maybe God is just testing me. After I moved in with him our power went out. A transformer blew that controls the electricity. That night I was tempted to go back to my apartment, but I stayed here because I love him so much. I chose to sleep in a hot house over having AC so I could stay by my lover's side. 😊 I know I have never loved anyone as much as I love Zach. He is so sweet. He has the most wonderful smile. I can't get enough of him. All I want to do is hold him until the day I die. And hopefully God will bless us with at least one child. 😀

Go tell your mate how much you love them. They may not know already. 😉

Are You Excessive?

 When you drink, do you just get a little tipsy or wasted? When you shop, can you handle buying just 3 things or do you feel compelled to buy 30 things, that you may not even need? When you eat, can you eat just half a burger or do you need to ravage the entire fridge? 

My mom always said eat until you are content, not full. Sleep until you are rested, not till you feel sluggish from hibernating too long. Drink until you are happy, not until you feel like hell. Work until you have enough, not till you die from working too much. Watch a movie till you are relaxed. Don't waste your whole day watching movies. 

"Godliness with contentment is great gain....Give us this day our daily bread."

"All things are permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything." 

Having it All

 I was considering sending my lover a sexy pic. I could see him thinking, "Ok what do you want? I already gave you a house, the possibility of a baby, 6 kittens and a great dinner every night. What else could you possibly want?" And I might say, "More potted flowers!" But I can go buy my own potted flowers too. 😊 So that is good. 

Hope for the Best

Do you feel you are often waiting for the other shoe to drop? Things seem to good to be true so you think they will end soon. But don't mess it up yourself. Don't cut your own legs out from underneath you. You might be doubtful, scared. Fearing history will repeat itself. I just had a nightmare that my bf was cheating. It is hard to recover from things like that and trust again. But we have to try. When you acquire a new lover, give the new person a chance. 😀 Not all people are the same. 

Avoiding Storms

 Is your life a storm right now? Did you create the storm? Let's get real y'all, we can all create storms that we didn't want. People might start drama because they are bored or to get someone back. But what did Jesus say? "Blessed are the peacemakers." Are you a peacemaker? Or a storm maker? 🌪

Oh....

Keep the peace. "As long as it depends on you live at peace with all men." "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life." 🌼

How many bridges do you have left and how many are burned? What happened? 🌉 🔥

These are the thoughts we don't want to face, aren't they? We hate to think about the regret and the past drama. You can't change the past. All you can do now is learn from all that drama. 

Don't act the way you used to act. Be better. Pray better. Love better. 🙏 ❤

My favorite verse is, "If anyone is in Christ he is a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come." You don't have to be the same person your entire life. You can change, modify, adjust, learn a new way of being good, of being "normal." What you think is normal might not be normal. What God says you need to be like, that is what should be normal to you. 

Just because you have always done a certain thing, doesn't mean you always have to do that thing. You can change, be different, be renewed in the transformation of your mind. Upgrade yourself with a renewed relationship with the Holy Spirit. 🕊 Then you will finally have 👀 eyes to see and ears 👂to hear God. What is God speaking to you? Listen to him. Always. Listen. To. God. So that your life can be great! 

May God bless y'all. 😉

Adventure!

 I have gone on several adventures. I have been to India, Taiwan, Mexico...I lived in Hawaii for one summer. I have gone hang gliding in Alaska through a forest. I went parasailing in Cabo and Haiti. I went snorkeling in Hawaii, Mexico, Texas :) Grand Cayman and at the Great Barrier Reef. I did the Alaska cruise 12 times for work. I went to Sydney, Australia. Everything I have wanted to do, I have done. Well, next on my bucket list is going to England and Italy.  I have always wanted to buy a beach house. I just don't know which beach I love the most. 

The one adventure I have not done is having a really big family. My goal is to make tons of children with the current love of my life, Zach! I know he will be a super great father and I can't Wait to raise 7 kids with him. God willing we will make it that far. We both are strong and super caring so I have faith this will go well.  Thank you God for all the cute babies we are about to make!

Sleep

 When I was younger I hated the act of sleeping because I felt like my mom was sleeping all the time. Now I feel like I want to sleep all the time. That is partly why I want to get pregnant soon. It is totally ok for a pregnant woman to sleep too much. But the rest of us, we feel like we always need to do something productive. If we relax for too long, we feel guilty. Why is that? Even if the dishes are clean and the laundry is done, or if there is plenty of money in the bank, we still feel a drive that we have never done enough. More always needs to get done. Perhaps it is our own insecurity that spawns that notion. The more we do or get, the better we feel about ourselves. Then we will let ourselves rest. 

I have noticed with cats, they do nothing but sleep and play. Kids, before school, do nothing but sleep and play. The rest of us feel a high calling to save everyone as if we are John the Baptist. There was only one John the Baptist. God just wants you and me to be normal human beings. Paul said, "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life." It can be hard to remain quiet. It is humbling. But it is serene. 

Take a load off. Let yourself relax. You deserve some peace and quiet. 😀 And go take a long nap. 😉

Death

 This past year has been a year of death. I finally was able to let my crazy relationship with my ex die. My co worker Michael died. My best friend lost both her mom and dad this year. My friendship with my mom has mostly died. It was generally dead most of my life anyways so that was no surprise or big loss. It was like all my friends at Papa John's died because I quit. I couldn't take the heat so I got out of the kitchen. 😂 Things got a ton harder there after Michael died. My bunny died in this crazy Texas heat. :( That was creepy to come outside and find him dead. I died this year many times inside. It was one of the hardest years of my life. When is Jesus coming back? 😪 When....

But after most storms there is a rainbow. I am now finally living in my rainbow. God has given me a time of relaxation and recovery and peace. I want to try a new job but am somewhat timid about it because what if it does not work out? Then that would be another group of friends that died. 😣 Please pray for me on when the best time for me to work again would be. 

Loss is never easy. But we lick our scars for a season and eventually open our heart again to new people, new adventures and a new life. 

I just had a dream I was jumping out of a plane. The fall was easy, in my dream, and the landing was fun. This year has felt just as adventurous and mind bending as jumping out of a plane. 

Has someone you knew died this year? You will be ok. God will be with you through that storm. He will hold the umbrella over your head and cry with you. He hurts when you hurt. God did not mean to cause you pain, but some transitions simply have to happen. This too shall pass and you will get out of this storm stronger and wiser. Pain cannot last forever. Residual, low level pain often does, but extreme pain comes and goes. The sun will shine again and you will be happy again and life will go on as it always has. Maybe your life will get even better. Maybe the death was meant to open the door to a new, better and happier life for you. Hope for the future. You never know what great things God still has for you to do. Don't give up. Keep holding on. All things work together for the good for those who love God. 

May God bless you! 

Enjoy Your Life

 I love my bf so much! I love my house and my life so much! We have been getting lots of rain here and that has made me so happy. I got a 3 day break from watering all our trees. Most people just have a few trees to water. I have literally 60 trees I am trying to help grow up and water. It gives more meaning to my life now. :) All I want to do until I die is love my bf to the best of my ability, cuddle with my kittens and grow a huge forest here at my house. I'm so excited to see all my trees grow up! And hopefully soon we will have a little bun in the oven, a happy new baby to care for. God willing Zach and I will have a big family someday. So much to look forward to! 

My Sweet Kittens

 I have 3 Himalayan kittens. I always wanted a cat that looked like Sassie in the movie Homeward Bound and now God gave me 3! Another kitten I have is all white. I feel like he replaces a kitten I lost when my parents divorced. I think my dad gave that kitten away. I have been sad about that for the past 27 years. 😢 Another kitten is grey. I had a grey kitten that my neighbor made me give away because she kept climbing on her screens. But now she is replaced yay! Hopefully I'll get to keep this one forever. And I have a black kitten. One of my exes told me to give away a black kitten I had with him and that made me very sad. So all my kittens are a kind that I have missed or always wanted. They are at the age where they purr a lot now. I love it so much! They are so great! 

Stay Humble

 No matter what situation in life you are in, God always wants us to remain humble. One good way of doing that is learning to spend less money. Learning to eat less. Learning to sleep less. You need to stop spoiling yourself. At times it can be good, if you are trying to recover from a great loss. But in general, try depriving yourself of some good things in order to keep yourself humble. Don't overdo it with your wants and cravings. Are you like a spoiled 3 year old and every temper tantrum you have, you give in to your inner child? You do not have to get all the things that you want. Try writing a shopping list of all you want and then throw it away and write a shorter list. Go for walks, if you notice you have become really lazy. Watch less movies. Read more books or listen to sermons. Give more to others then you get. Focus on others and pray for them all day. Ask God humbly what his goals are for you, rather then walking your own path. Serve others and don't worry about how much or how little you are served. Speak kindly about other people. If you have nothing good to say, remain quiet. Put the needs and wants of others before your own. Forgive. Always be kind. 

God bless 😀

Self Pity

 Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your life is a LOT better then you realize. Be thankful. 

I have a bad migraine today and I certainly am feeling sorry for myself. I tried 2 baths, Advil, chocolate, 2 naps but it keeps hanging on. My head hurts so bad that if someone wanted to shoot me right now I literally would say yes please! And thank you! My headache always gets pretty severe when pollens in the air activate it. Any time it rains it is like wow. What the heck is up with my head? 😭 Thank God I live in a desert now and it only rains like 5 days a year. 😊

I have asked God several times why he lets me get such bad migraines. He says it is to make me stronger. 😣 I have also asked him why lots of bad things happened to me as a kid. God always says, "I'm sorry, but things could have been worse. I protected you more then you realize." 

I know why my migraine happened today. To prepare me for my future. I hope to have a huge ministry someday. This blog is a start, but I want to have a huge affect on the whole world. I've always said I want to be the next Joyce Meyer. Someday. 😀 Someday I will do great things! I believe. 

Watch Your Words

 Happiness is being bold enough to say whatever you want to say. But happiness is also not saying things you will regret saying. 😔

Often times it is hard to know what to say. We might feel that we say too little or too much. I have done both. In person I am quite reserved. I am always careful to not offend anyone with whatever I say. When I write it seems like my jacket comes off and I let it hang loose. Which one is the real me? Probably the writing me. 

But we all catch ourselves in person don't we? We think for a long time over what is good to say. We fear looking like an idiot. Just one bad sentence can cause a break up. One wrong move. One mis step and you screwed yourself over. 

The more you love someone, the harder it is to know the right thing to say because you fear loosing them. But when you do talk it is deep. Maybe we fear those deep conversations so we hide. We hide in movies or work or sleeping too much. We hide in our ego and our fears. 

Try to open up this week to someone. You will be more happy if you do. 😀

Thank You Lord

 I might have an old car with 165,000 miles on it but at least I have a hot bf and 6 cute kittens. Thank you God for all our nice furniture and my own forest growing in our backyard. Praise God that I have a big brother who would do anything for me and a 24 years best friend who would do the same. Thank you God that I have all the food I need and peace and quiet and harmony here. Thank you God for a safe area to live in and tons of sunny days. Thank you God that someday my sweetie pumpkin and I will get to go on cruises and fly to Hawaii and road trip to CA. I'm so excited to see all the fun things we will get to do. :)

Morphing

 When a relationship ends I tend to become like the person I was just with, perhaps so that I won't miss them anymore. 

When Roger died 12 years ago I started writing in this blog A Lot. He was an intellectual, so I became more of an intellectual. He used to talk a lot, so I became more talkative in my writing. 

When my ex husband left me 4 years ago I started smoking. He smoked our whole marriage and, I don't know why, but I have smoked ever since he left. I hated it so much that he smoked. I think I wanted to stop being so judgemental about smoking, so that is why I started smoking. Also he was extremely charismatic and so I became more Charismatic in my faith toward God. 

When my ex Josh went to jail 3 years ago, I got back into writing a lot. He was an excellent writer, and that inspired me to write again. 

When Bryan broke up with me 2 years ago I started wanting kids again. He was a great father overall, so I then wanted to be a parent again. 

When Eric and I broke up 10 months ago I kept wanting a kitten and now I have 6. All he loved in this world was me, his cat and getting high. Now all I care about are my kittens, drinking in moderation, 😀 and my hot bf.

 And that is how it always goes for me. In the death of a relationship, there is a rebirth for me. A re-inventing of who I am and what I want most out of life.

We usually morph into whoever we are with for an extended time. Sometimes that is good. Sometimes it is not. But that is life. We all affect each other. At least we benefit in some way from the personality traits in everyone we get close to. 

God loves you! Even if you end up being crazy like all your exes too. 😂😉

Arms Length

 I tend to always keep a safe distance from others. With my mom I have always just called her about once every 2 months. My best friend Ashley I call about once a month. My brother I used to call only like once a year, but now I try to once a week.

 In any relationship I have been in, I sleep in a separate bed at night. Mainly due to me snoring and the guy snoring, but also because I don't like getting too close to people. During the day with whatever guy I am with we mainly watch movies. That is what I grew up doing with my family to hang out, so that is what I do now. My family would always eat pizza too. I still eat lots of pizza.

 I literally don't remember talking to my mom until I was 18. She would want to talk on the way to school in the mornings but I never liked talking then. When I went to college I would call her often. She helped me handle all the stress. But it was like when we lived in the same house, we had a hard time being friends. So now I am just as distant with others as she was with me. 

My dad and I talked some, but it was always a one way conversation. He would talk and I would just listen. My grandma was the same way. 

I had lots of friends in school though. So they were always the main people I talked to. We would hang out and play monopoly, truth or dare or dance around to music. My friend Nicole would call me every day. She asked me one time why I never called her, and it was always her calling me. 

I don't usually get close to others because it usually ends badly. Any friendship or romantic relationship I have had ends in an explosion. Or they get mean at some point so it has to end or I need a break from them. I feel more at ease trying to remain an island. Out in the middle of the ocean unfettered but comfortable and safe. I keep others at a distance and I never get too close. But is that the best life possible? I don't know. But at least it is safe.