Lazy Pansies

 If you get into a place in life where it's ok to be lazy and a pansy you have arrived at heaven on earth. :) I was kind of a lazy pansy this past week. 

Soon I'll start at Burger King. I'll have to give up my lazy days but I'll make friends and money. I got to be pretty lazy for the past 9 days. It was great. My mental health needed a recovery time after my rude room mate. He traumatized me a bit. Threatened to kick me out over the trash lid not being fully down. Said he might not let me back in his house. I pictured myself camping in his backyard. Now I got a few guys ghosting me. It's so hard to trust men. Why does it always turn sad, things between men and women? 

A nice young guy wants to see me but I might chicken out. What if he ghosts me too? :( The heart can only take so much rejection. 

Easy in easy out. Online dating maybe is a waste of time. But Ben lasted 7 years and Zach lasted 3. Eric lasted one year. So sad. All three I met online, and I was glad I did. We had lots of fun. 

Ben turned pansy on me. Pray for his courage to return. Zach got lazy. He didn't talk much at all, which is a form of laziness. Maybe someday he will get talkative with me. A miracle could happen with that. I pray in Jesus' mighty name that Zach will finally open up to me soon. 

Eric I guess got lazy or I turned pansy. It was a very sad break up with all 3 of them. 

Ben had his own place. I had my own place when I met Eric and Zach. Ah love....so hard to find and very hard to keep. :(

Boys

 I miss the sushi Zach used to bring me. I miss seeing him come ask me what food I wanted for that day every day for 2.5 years. 

I miss hearing Ben's silly voices. I miss walking trails with him and our two daughters. 

I am excited about my new work manager. He is cute! Probably married but I'll still get to see him at work. :) I felt a powerful energy from him that I had never felt in my life. Like he is a god or something.  He has blonde hair and blue eyes. Maybe he is a god or an angel. :) 

I miss my ex cooking for me. I miss looking at his muscular body. I kind of miss his dog. Just kind of lol. I miss the walk to work by his house. It was a fun walk. 

If I ever left here I would miss my bed here and my happy, safe room. 

I miss CA. The beauty and the fun of all the things out there. The malls, the beach, seeing beautiful people everywhere.  

I miss my backyard in Texas. Watching my kittens climb the tree and wrestle in the grass. I miss seeing my son play with toys outside. I miss seeing him smile and laugh. 

My dream is that Zach's mom will generously give him 100k. Then he can pick me up and we can set up a nice place in Florida for me, him and our son. Pray that will happen for us soon. 

Roads to Walk

 It is my daughter Joy's birthday today. I am missing her and all 3 of my kids. Maybe because I almost adopted a little girl in that I could be a step mom to her starting soon. Or I could just do the job at Burger King and hope to meet Mr. Perfect there either from who I work with or a customer. You never know who you will meet working in customer service. No one would expect to talk about a date with a burger king employee but hey why not? Lightning could strike. Look up the love speech from Meet Joe Black. 

Or is the single life better? I am here in a group home because my ex said I was taking money out of his pocket by using His toilet paper. It was an odd thing where we met on match but then I rented a room from him. So that made for a strange relationship. Neither of us knew what to do with each other.

 Now I have a guy who says he would put a ring on my finger. That is appealing. But I would have to go over the road with him. He is cool but he cusses. That is his only down side. He did say he talks to God though, like me, so that is cool. I guess I used to cuss. It's been awhile since I have. 

So many roads to walk but what is best? I could watch him make 30k in half a year or watch myself do that in 1.5 years. And for what? A car that will need maintenance? Every sunny day still has dirt. The main reason I work is for free food and friends. Granted this guy could feed me and he would be a good friend. His name is Willis. Pray that Willis will know if he should take me on as a wife or not. 

Or should I do my own work and hope to find a guy that doesn't cuss? 🤔

Money

 Spend less so you can work less. Live off of bread,  hot dogs and apples. :)

"The love of money is the root of all evil." I lost my daughters and my house cuz I was chasing money. I wanted to work and make tons. In the end I had saved nothing. We make a lot but then spend it all. That silly rat race. Keeping up with Joneses. But who are they? Why do we try so hard to look cool or make our house look cool? Just rest in God's love. He makes us lie down in green pastures. Stop chasing that money. "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it." 

Or if you do chase it, save. You never know what will happen. Jobs are not always easy to get. 

Busy

 I have a psych appointment today. This may be the doctor that can sign me up for disability checks. It could be ideal to get that. I could still work 18 hours a week. Maybe 4 to 8 in a restaurant or a gas station. Just to have a thing to do other than watch YouTube all day or read X or get annoyed with guys on dating apps. It seems on the apps people go on there just to say weird things and it makes them laugh. 

Dating is so risky though. You never know what the other person will do. 

X and YouTube are always good. I hope yall spend most of your time there. Or with your kids. 

I am dating a guy who would love to raise my son with me. That could be fun! He has 2 girls who are actually the same age as my 2 girls. He is 2 years older than me. I hope it works out long-term with him. He is very nice. :)

Kids

 Other people raise other people's kids. That is our modern world. If you were raised by your actual mom and dad for 18 years you are very lucky. I was until I was 10. Then my parents divorced and my brother and I morphed into bad kids. I became mostly good again at age 14 when my grandpa replaced my dad. Kids in single mom homes don't turn out good. I don't know how single dads affect the kids. There should always be 2 watching over any group of kids. "Two are better than one." I proudly thought I could do the single mom challenge so I locked my ex out for a year. Now his mom is in charge. I hope James is happy with her. At least she knows how to not scare her man away.

Ladies hold onto your man. Don't think you can easily replace him. You probably can't. 

And if you are in charge of kids get a co captain if you don't have one. That is important.  

Two Paths

 I was hoping to get hired at Burger King, but I don't have an offer letter yet. I could have a date tmrw. I kind of want to move in with a guy again. It's different living with women. They argue at times. 

My possible next bf is fixed. He had 4 kids and decided he was good with that. I wish all men would get fixed at a certain age. Every guy I talk to online doesn't want kids but they want sex. Like only 1 out of 50 guys wants kids. So why don't they all get a vasectomy? They should. 

It's so risky to date for women especially when very few guys want what sex creates. They all assume all women are on birth control. But not all of us are. 

May God help all of us women to only be around good guys. And may Jesus make all the bad boys good. If you feel inclined to save all the guys on dating apps please try. As in get them to want a family and not just random hook ups. It is sad to live life that way. There is no love in that. It's just a hit and run and both people are more sad after. 

Don't get caught up in the hook up culture. Be a family man or woman and settle down. Go to church. Raise kids. Be content with just one mate. Wouldn't that be great if the fate of our future is people who want just one. That can be fun. Now go walk in the sun. :)