Most humans hate love it seems. They run away from love. They are afraid of it. They push people away. Granted we need sleep and love can make it hard to sleep.
What is it about relationships that we shy away from? We find it hard to trust. We stay guarded. If we got hurt we think we always will get hurt. What you expect is what will happen.
But the future could be night and day opposite of your past. Have faith. Stay in hope.
It is nice to make new friends at work. I am confident I will make good friends soon.
I don't know if online dating is always bad. I met half of my exes that way. Ben lasted 7 years, Eric one and Zach 3 years. After Ben my mom said "Do you really want another train wreck?" Bryan wasn't really that though. The next guy. I should have stayed with him.
I hope to be friends with the staff of the group home and figure out a good job or getting food stamps. I hope to feel more free and at peace. My house mate was a romantic friend but he doesn't work a job. That was a bit frustrating. Granted he is old but I think all alive humans should try to work and make money. God willing I'll find something again. My goal is to save for a car. I miss having a car. Although the mechanic check ups are stressful.
It's hard to know what to do. God makes us lie down. If you do too much, lay around for awhile. If you have been lazy try to find work to do.
If you are very social, get time alone. If you have been alone try to be more social.
Working the truck at work today was too much. Feels like I can't breath. Every muscle is sore. I quit due to that and the group home is ready for me. I don't know if I'll work for awhile. My mom plans to pay for the home for a year for me. Thank God. I need a long break. May we just watch movies and eat cheetohs and may I find peace finally. I could try fasting and praying. Been awhile since I did that. I just want peace and rest. May this new home be very peaceful. I've had about 2 years of drama. I really need to rest.
Work makes us happy more than anything else. Other than a nice hug. I felt like the king of my gas station today. I mastered the donut frosting. I got 8 orders of pizzas done almost on my own. I got it all completed well. It was my 4th day at my job.
But I might live in a group home soon, and maybe another gas station like that one will give me a chance. Or I'll write blogs for the cold season here. Part of me thinks I am dumb to leave all this. I have a nice house, a usually nice man and a nice job here. But my mom thinks a group home is ideal for me. I have dealt with some hauntings and odd visions in the past. Time will tell what is ideal for me. It has been a very fun month in this happy, safe neighborhood here.
If I stay my mom may want my house mate to lower the rent. Granted her and I could pay him rent, 100 from each of us. Or I can get more healing and therapy in the group home. The women in charge are super nice. I picture board games and movies all day. Might work part time in a restaurant too. I was told I can stay there as long I may want to.
I had a heck of a time walking to work in the rain here. If there is bad weather that makes it tough to walk to work. In the winter there could be hail. :( In the home they could give me rides to work. I do like to walk if the weather is nice though.
I pray I'll get into a home with very, very Christian girls. Maybe we could have worship nights together. How cute would that be? I pray it feels like my Christian college. I really miss how it was there. All of us were really good people. Life was simple and easy. No one was dating, for reals, so we all were carefree and independent. It was great. We all knew what we wanted, just to finish college. We were happy and in love with God.
I have not seen that very much in the world post college. I probably have been depressed ever since I left college due to the fact that no where else is like Biola University. It was a dream world, a utopia, a holy promise land. The happiest place on earth. If you have kids, let them experience Biola. And pray for me to be put in a very Christian group home. Strength in numbers right? Yes.
Think yourself happy. Maybe you feel down but change how you see things. Eat a good meal. Take a long nap and know if you have food and a warm house and a good bed you could be happy right? You have a God who cares for you so why be sad? Maybe not every tiny thing is going well but focus on the good, not the bad. Most likely a few people love you. You probably have a hobby you love and hopefully a job you love. Things are not that bad. And don't worry about the future. God is there just like he always has been. What is meant to be will be. The friends you need will find you. The food you need will come to you. We do need to make an effort but most of the time just trust God to provide for you. We always strive and run and God says just relax. I got you. As long as you act loving you should be OK. Take care of others when you can and God will take care of you.
I had a dream I got a beautiful car but kept having accidents. It was like a video game driving it. You never know when you go in a car what could happen.
So much of life is scary. You change things and have to adjust. People can let you down and shock you. The whole world is so mean at times. It's every man for himself. I hope Jesus will come back soon. So much stress. So much loss. So many hard things about life. Why can't love be easy? Why can't lovers stick together? Why can't lovers be nice to each other? Why do we all get so hungry all the time? Why do we get weak and sick easily?
We try to stay strong but we aren't and then we feel angry all the time that we are so weak. The weather affects us. So we hide inside but then feel depressed. If we have too much ease we get depressed. But if we are too stressed we wish we could die, which is severe depression. Then we need deep rest. Do you ever wish to die? Every day of my life almost I have wished I could die painlessly and quickly. I was never happy, not for very long. Ok maybe that started after I had kids. It was at times joyful but it is a very hard road to be a mom. No one helps you it feels like. No one says good job or thank you. You are always criticizing yourself and others critique you. You feel like you failed every day.
I suppose in any relationship it is like that. We feel we never do enough. They always want more. But why do more for them if it's never enough? They are insatiable. Only happy very rarely. What really makes any of us happy? Good food and good sleep. Maybe good sex.
Do what makes you happy today, whatever it is, because the people around you just want to see you be happy.
I live in constant fear of my house mate. He is one of those people you have to walk on egg shells with them so as to not set him off. Everything angers him. He takes testosterone shots so that might be why.
There is a lady I work with who maybe I could rent a room from and get rides to work with. She taught me how to make wraps at work. She works hard and she is nice. Maybe she will be my new bestie.
I have a love fear relationship with my house mate. He is 62 and I'm 41. Met him on match. He offered for me to stay with him for a month. So here I am. My mom gives him rent for me to have his spare room. If she didn't do that I probably would have had to do anal with him. Ewe....I don't get why anyone would do that, women or men. I don't want my poop going all over. Yuck. But I guess to have a place to live people do what they think they have to. :(
There was another guy who offered me his bed but all his bills are past due. Not cool. I've never had to worry about power going off due to past due bills.
That is why I think a group home would be ideal for me. Bills stay paid and hopefully I won't be scared of anyone there. Next week I probably will move into one. It will be free after the first month I think. I qualify as disabled. Praise God!
It is hard to live with the opposite sex. Why do any of us try to do that? :( There is some love but lots of tension and awkward feelings.
I have tried living with Roger, Ben, Brian, Josh, Eric, Zach, my brother and now this guy. God help me figure it out. Or I'll just stay with women for awhile and enjoy my break from men. Yep. I've never fought with a woman. But I fought with all of them at least a few times.
Men and women don't mix well. I heard all men want to kill all women. If you are a guy is that true? And why? Granted there is baggage. Most men got their heart broken a lot but you can be mad at women without wanting to kill them all.
