My Prayer for my Daughters

 God thank you for protecting my girls from any evil in the future. I pray they will be happy always. I pray for peace between them. May they be a great support for each other and learn to mother each other. I pray they will fall in love with a perfect young man and stay with him for 50 or 60 years. I pray they will never have to work and they will always be well provided for. May they always seek you first and know your glory. May you speak to them the way you talk with me. I pray they will be content with little and never become spoiled or selfish. May they continue to be little missionaries for you. I pray my example for them will always be copied well. I pray they never forget about me and that they will be allowed to visit me someday. I pray that the evil forces that keep blocking me from them will die soon. God keep blessing my little baby girls. In Jesus' name Amen. 

He's One of the Good Ones

 I appreciated my hubby so much today, because he cut the grass in our front yard. It is nice when your front yard looks like everyone else's. Good job Zach! And he got us a great pizza from Papa John's. And he got me cheesecake from Wal-Mart. And he sat and listened to me read my book to him. I am writing a new book. The title will be "My Crazy, Messed Up Life." It might make anyone who reads it understand life better. When you go through a lot, you get wiser. What is the point to gaining that wisdom if you don't write it out? 

I hope I get to keep Zach in my life forever. He even gave me 1k a week ago so I could get a new dryer. He gets the hubby of the year award for that! 😀

He has the most handsome face and the most gorgeous eyes ever. And he has amazing muscles. I love him so much! 

Trusting Men

 Every man I have gotten close to let me down. It is amazing that I still attempt to trust men and to be married to a man. Praise God I haven't gone lesbian yet. 😂

My dad sexually molested me. My brother also sexually molested me. My first bf broke my heart. My high school bf tried to rape me. My college bf cheated on me. My first intimate bf told me he didn't love me. 😪 Another bf broke up with me around Christmas. My first engaged bf cheated emotionally a lot. My ex husband watched porn our whole marriage and lied about it, which shattered my spirit. My next bf kicked me out for no reason. And my last bf cheated on me, which was my first time being fully cheated on. 

I don't get why all that happened, except that God maybe wanted to prevent me from worshipping a man instead of him. God is a jealous God. We are to have no gods ahead of him. So he lets us become disenchanted by what could become a god for us. 

No man deserves to be god over you. Only God does. Remember that. 

Be Grateful

 It seems the more we suffer, the more gratitude we feel. And the more we are spoiled, the less grateful we feel. Think of rich, spoiled brats. They are almost never grateful for anything, because they expect it. 

If you expect something, you won't be grateful for it. You feel entitled to it, like you completely deserve it, and so you feel no gratitude. 

This is why God lets us go without something for awhile so that when we have it, we will appreciate it more. 

What are you taking for granted? Sure you might not have that, but you have this. Be thankful for all that you do have. 

Fall

 The fall season is often when people fall in love. The weather is cooling down and your heart realizes you might like a cuddle buddy. It is a season of change. The whole world around you is changing. There is more rain, so the grass comes back. My front and backyard currently look like Ireland. It is great. :) Your mind gets reminiscent of where you were in all the other fall seasons of your life. My favorite fall time was with Bryan. We would take walks around his neighborhood and look at all the decorations people put up.  

I lived with my brother during the fall 12 years ago. I had a bike and would ride down a gorgeous river trail in Omaha, Nebraska. All my best memories are of me exercising. One fall I lived with my mom and she babysat so I could go swimming every day. That was great! 

Some of my life was very hard, but so much of it was very sweet. I remember going trick O treating as a kid, running all over the hills in my lake community in Nebraska. My pillow case was half full of candy banging against my legs. I was freezing but having so much fun. 

Someday I will take walks with my new children and see them trick O treating and have tons of fun again. Someday my life will be very happy again. 

Dreaming

 I keep dreaming of living in other places. Ever since I got the free gift of this house that I have I have been wanting more. Just goes to show that us women are never satisfied. It seems impossible for us to just be happy with what we already have. Hence why women often get addicted to shopping. 

It is also because I am a Sagittarius. I always crave some new adventure. I always want to explore some new place. I was wanting a beach condo in Corpus Christ. Then I dreamed of my sweetie and I getting a house in Virginia. Now I am thinking that Nebraska might be the best place to settle. My big brother only got to see my first two daughters two times. That is kind of sad. He would be a great uncle. And I prefer to live by family when raising kids. I hope I will get to live by my brother forever. Someday we will settle in the wonderful city of Omaha, Nebraska. :)

Wisdom

 If you have no wisdom, your life will always be chaotic. You will never know what to do and who to live with. The more people you are friends with, the more wisdom you can get. "Walk with the wise to become wise." The Bible says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, ask for it." 

How do you know what the wisest thing to do is? You have peace about the idea. If you feel in between over a decision, then don't worry about it. It wasn't meant to be. 

But then there are situations where God is telling us to go to a place and it seems completely illogical, so we resist his nudges. We wrestle in our mind with God. There is a constant feeling of not knowing what to do. We don't have peace about staying or leaving. 

Pray for me. I am thinking of going on a big trip but can't decide if that is the best thing for me to do. 

I Am Sorry

 If you want to know how to stay married, don't do any of this stuff: 

To my ex husband, 

I'm sorry, most of all, that I tried to kill your faith. You were Charismatic and I was Baptist and what you did scared me. I am sorry I belittled you so much and all that you experienced. It was my fear of the unknown. 

I am sorry for not calling you at work more. I know you needed to talk to me more and I was too arrogant to care what you needed.

 I am sorry I did not cook for you all more. I suck at knowing how to feed others. I am sorry I was somewhat reckless with buying things online. I should have learned to be more conservative. 

I am sorry I did not hug you more. I barely remember hugging you at all. I am sorry I was not there for you more when you were under attack from Satan. I had never dealt with that before. I am sorry I did not respect your parents as much as you did. I am sorry I did not clean your shower more often. 

I hope you have a good rest of your life. I wish you the best in life and finances and health. You are a great father. Thank you for all you have done for our girls. May God bless you. 

Mi Amor

 I love the way your eyes shine when you look at me

I love your strong arms and strong legs

I love your cute cheekbones and your eyebrows 

I love holding you in my arms 

I love how hard you work 

I admire you a lot for that 

I know we will love each other forever 

Thank you for all the great food you bring me 

Thank you for always talking with me 

You are a wonderful companion

I love listening to sermons with you 

I love playing music for you 

I love walking around the lake with you 

I can't wait to see what our beautiful child will look like 

You will be a great father 

I love you 😍😁

To My Horrible Ex

 A text to my ex, "If you guys moved to Belton I hope you have fun. I'm sure that house will feel a lot more comfortable for you all. Please only let your mom take care of the girls. I don't want some random slut that you date to try to take care of them. Just stay single." 

His job now is just to keep our girls safe. He better not try going off and having a "good time." My mom stayed single and only a mom for 7 years after my dad went crazy. Her sole focus was me and keeping me safe. 

My ex and his family never fully got along with me because I always wanted to save the world, and they didn't care at all about other people.

Ben, you better keep those girls safe. If you refuse to let me watch them, you better do a good job. And you have no business possibly getting another woman pregnant. Be grateful for the kids you have. I know they aren't boys, but deal with it. At least God blessed you with 2 precious daughters. 

Melanie, I'm sorry you have the burden of caring for 4 people now. It seemed like you wanted that, so now you have it. Thank you for being a great grandma. I trust you to always keep my girls in good health and safe, and hopefully, always loving God. 

Thank you God for keeping my girls safe. All parents part with their kids eventually. I just had to prematurely. I trust you God that you know what is best for them. Someday I will see them again in heaven, or maybe in my life time, if my ex and his family will stop being paranoid jerks.

Despite their terrible treatment of my first family, I pray you will keep them all safe and healthy. May God bless the Bedricks and help them to stop being jerks. 😁

My Failed Family

 I tried to go see my daughters today. It looks like they have all moved away. I suppose that is for the best. Now I can just focus on my new family. I am currently 2 months pregnant and I hope my next family will last forever and be wonderful. I really believe it will. It took me 4 years to have the guts to try to have a family again. Looking back, I knew the day I met my ex husband that he was insane, but I married him anyways. If you ever think of marrying a person, follow your intuition. Don't move forward if you don't have peace about that person. 

 When an attempt you had at having a family fails, you kind of don't want to try again. But I found a great guy and hopefully we will be a happy and successful family until the day I die. I plan to stay with him and love him for the next 50 years, if the world is alive that long. Someday, maybe soon, we will move to Virginia. I have always wanted to live on the East Coast. There are tons of hiking trails there. May God open a door for us to go live there soon. 

Thank you God for this second chance. I know this family will last forever. Help me to forget what lies behind and only think of the future. I know a wonderful family is possible. I have seen glimpses of it in my former family and other families. I want to have that perfect joy and love in a family forever. 

May God bless you and your family. Cherish them a lot because you never know how long you may get to have them. 

Be Kind

 Are you critical or are you kind? Has your criticism scared people away? Have you been scared away by other people's criticism? Recently my brother berated me for wanting to just be a waitress. He said I should do something bigger then that. Then I remembered what an incredibly critical family I came from. Any job is a good job.

 Build others up. Don't make them feel small. If you feel small, that doesn't mean it's ok to make others feel that way. Do things that boost your own ego so that you can then encourage others. If you hate your life, you will try hard to make others hate theirs too. Just realize that you Can change your life. Either decide to stop hating it or change little things so you can finally be happy. Ultimately, only you are in control of your future. You decide where to steer your ship. Steer it into happy places. 

Hope

 In the movie Shawshank Redemption the old man says, "Hope is a dangerous thing in here." But still the young man hoped to be free from prison. His hope turned into him actually making it possible. Any dream that comes true starts in the mind. You dream and hope and believe that it is possible. Then you make it happen for yourself. You have to dream of what you want before you can have it. Visualize yourself having it. Keep that vision at the front of your mind. Never give up thinking that it's possible. God can bring any dream you have to pass. How bad do you want it? Do you dream something and then quickly let it die? Do you loose your faith that it can happen? Hang in there. Stick with your hope. Then it Will happen someday. 

Faith is Profitable

 "Without faith it is impossible to please God. You have not because you ask not. Ask and receive that your joy may be full."

What do you want from God? In order for you to feel God is blessing you, first you need to figure out what you want. A line I often think of is, "The biggest problem in the world is that no one knows what they want." Why is this a common issue? It takes courage to want, to finally make a concrete decision. Why? Because not everyone will want what you want. This is when faith helps. Believe that God will bless your life and relationships while you get what you want. Don't be totally selfish. But actually sometimes it is good to be. If you always do for others and never receive, you will go crazy at some point. Let others give you what you want. Let God give you things you want. 

Pride says, "I don't want or need anything from anyone." Yes you do. We all need things. 

Lately I didn't know if I wanted more cash to spend or more time with my lover. I decided time with my hubby is more important. 

What are your priorities? What you put first is what you truly love. Do you love God? Is he number one? Who or what is your number one? 

The Trumpets

 Why are people in almost every country hearing trumpet noises coming from the sky? Is it a UFO? Is it machines in the sky that no one can see? Well it is machines, gigantic heavenly music machines. Most people say it sounds like an orchestra tunning their instruments. I have noticed most of the trumpet noises sound ominous. It is meant to be a warning from God that the end is near. How near? I believe in the next 20 years Jesus will come back. Depending on all of our levels of repentance and obedience he might stretch the time out longer. He is ultimately waiting for as many people to get saved as want to be saved. Some people plain don't want to be saved. At some point God will accept that and go forward with his world destruction plan in the holy book of Revelation. But he has to be just. If he is going to actually allow all the horrible curses to happen to people that he prophesied about in Rev, he has to feel justified to do that. After blasting trumpets over every single country, he can then have peace that he tried to warn the entire world first. Then as few people as possible will need to be punished for not following Him. 

Ezekiel 33:1-6 says:

“Son of man, speak to your people and say to them, If I bring the sword upon a land, and the people of the land take a man from among them, and make him their watchman, and if he sees the sword coming upon the land and blows the trumpet and warns the people, then if anyone who hears the sound of the trumpet does not take warning, and the sword comes and takes him away, his blood shall be upon his own head. He heard the sound of the trumpet and did not take warning; his blood shall be upon himself. But if he had taken warning, he would have saved his life."

Joel 2:1 

"Blow a trumpet in Zion; sound an alarm on my holy mountain! Let all the inhabitants of the land tremble, for the day of the Lord is coming; it is near." 

Zephaniah 1:14

"The great day of the Lord is near, near and hastening fast; the sound of the day of the Lord is bitter; the mighty man cries aloud there."

Isaiah 18

"When a trumpet sounds,

    you will hear it.

This is what the Lord says,

    'I will remain quiet and will look on from my dwelling place,

Before the harvest, when the blossom is gone

    and the flower becomes a ripening grape,

I will cut off the shoots with pruning knives."

Save yourself. Fall on your knees and ask God what he wants you to do and DO IT. May God bless you! 

To be Rich or Poor

 There is the verse, "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." Does that only apply to men? If a woman is a house wife does that qualify as work? Is a woman meant to go make money and care for the house and care for her husband? 

If you have just enough money to live on is that ideal? Or should you try to get a lot extra? 

"The love of money is the root of all evil." If you have too much extra money, is it always true that you will love it? Can you be rich and still focus on God, or do you inevitably start to love the world too much? 

"Do not store up for yourselves treasure on earth." Jesus literally said do not save money. So why do we save? Because we don't believe God will take care of us. 

So if you have enough, you are meant to give the extra away. But that is hard to do. When you work hard for money you want to enjoy the money you earned, as in selfishly spend it on yourself. You might not need what you buy, but it seems to make you happy, or so you convince yourself that it does. Finally you realize you have enough, and so you take a good long break from work and accumulating more stuff to focus on God. 

"Godliness with contentment is great gain." "You can gain the whole world, yet forfeit your soul." "If we have food and clothing, with these we should be content." 

"Blessed are the poor. Woe to you that are rich." Why did Jesus say this? Because generally the only way to get rich is by robbing the poor, or not sharing with the poor. You hoard your money till you have way more then is needed, while you watch others go hungry. You harden your heart. You think, "No one will take care of me so why should I take care of them?" They will not take care of you, because you did not take care of them. We reap what we sow. If you give, God will make sure you are given to. 

Be content with little. Work hard in some way. Be generous with your money, or time. Give to others and it will be given back to you. 

May God bless you as you bless others. :)

Should I Work?

 I feel at odds with myself on if working would be good for me or not. I feel super conflicted about it. I don't need to work. My bf can easily take care of me. But I was wanting to work to make more friends. Then I think of the "friends" I had at my former job. It was not fun. I got hurt by them in any way a person could be hurt. So now I am timid about going back out there again. I wonder what is the point of letting a group of people in only for them to hurt you. I have been hiding for a long time now. I have been very happy to hide. It has been boring at times, but usually I find ways to fill my time. I make bracelets still or paint or water our flowers or play with my kittens. I don't need money. I don't even really want more money. I have $80 to my name but I don't care. I have never cared about money much. I would rather have peace and a calm, tranquil life. God said he will bless me more if I stay home because I am basically taking a vow of poverty. And it would be cute if I can trust my sweetie that much. I think a lot of women work because they are tired of being around their man so they busy themselves with work. I love my time with my sweetie, usually. :) My only good reason to work would be so he would worry about money less. But there is always something to worry about. And money can be spent as speedily as it is made so it all seems pointless. The rat race. We never stop buying and wanting but why?  Always earning just to spend. Or you can save your money but save for what? The world could end tomorrow. So maybe I'll stay home. Maybe. 😃

The Past

 Let it go. It was good sometimes. Take the memories with you like gold coins and be happy that you got to experience all that. There is more life to be lived. God's not done with you. There are more happy memories to be made. Your life did not end with the tragedy. Get back up, dust yourself off and try harder next time. Try to be better. When we fall down, we need to learn how to live better. God allows us to fall on our face for a reason, so that we mature. You can have a better life. So try harder. Don't stay down. Keep on running. You will achieve your goals eventually. 

My goals are to get wealthy and stay wealthy and stay married to my sweetie for the next 25 years. 

Distance is Ideal

 The only person who should be deep in your heart is God. No one else deserves to be cemented in your inner psyche. The more you let people in, the more you can loose your mind. Stay strong. Stay independent. You can take better care of yourself then anyone else can. Always have back up plans so you never become too needy on one person. "The fool says put all your eggs in one basket." What else can you dream for yourself? There are many paths you can walk in life. You are never stuck. Dream big. Whatever you want can and will happen, if you never give up dreaming. 😉

Humility

 No matter how good you do, someone does it better. But that realization keeps us all humble. :)

I am about to attempt working at a high end restaurant. I have always been intimidated by such places. I am more of a Chili's waitress. But I believe I can do it! I know other waitresses will do a better job then me, but I'll still try to be great. :)

To Joyce Meyer

 My email to Joyce 😊

Thank you for writing your thank you book Joyce! And if you are feeling done I would Love to fill your shoes. It has been my dream for 20 years to be the next you. I am 37. I was an English major. I have read the whole Bible. I have a good blog. Tada....

orangecountyangel.blogspot.com 

Thank you so so much for your ministry. I too was sexually abused by my dad. My life has been much harder due to that. But God has gotten me through it all, and you have. I love you! And thank you! For all you have done.

If you have grown by listening to Joyce or reading her books email her a thank you. We all think she might never read it and someone else does, but she might. :) 

God bless! Pray for me to become a Great female Christian leader just like Joyce Meyer. 😊

Thankful

 I am reading the book "The Power of Thank You." Go buy it at Wal-Mart. 😀 

What am I thankful for? 

I am thankful for my bf, my bed, my kittens, my movies, our TV, my car, that I have no body pain, my teeth are in good condition, my job I will start soon, our furniture, the good AC, my bunnies! I am thankful that God is my constant dear friend, my turtles, my friends I can call for advice, my mom, my food and the pasta I make often, extra grocery money to buy yummy foods, the friends I will make at work soon, the green grass I have worked hard to water in the yard, my ability to paint, that I had 7 great years with my daughters, that I'm not with any of my exes anymore, my future nice boss who is older and kind, my clothes being comfortable, that fall is almost here, my blog, Walmart, my nice bathroom, cuddle time with my bf, and milk. :) 

Escaping

 Most people escape life by watching TV half the day. Others escape by drinking or getting high or sleeping a lot. Music helps us to escape or to unwind. Life seems overly long. The days are so long. Most of us don't know what to do with ourselves or with each other. We always feel lost and confused and scared. So we try to escape those feelings. How do you escape? 

The Pains of Life

 Alcohol relieves pain but it also causes pain. Sleep makes you forget pain for awhile but it is still there when you wake up. Life is full of crazy situations. Why did God put us on such a painful planet? Why does he let us go through so much pain? I see why so many people think God hates them. Maybe he does. Maybe he is mad at all of us. It often seems like he is. Maybe he does enjoy seeing us suffer. We do it to ourselves most of the time. It is like we enjoy suffering. If life isn't hard enough we go make it harder. And then we get mad at God. But aren't you the one who decided to make it harder? Doesn't your life suck because you make it suck? You ignored God when he tried to tell you to do something important. You lack the courage to get what you really want and so your life is miserable. What do you want? Do you even know anymore?

Most of us give up wanting because it sucks to not get what you want. So we resign. We let depression take over. We fold. We stop playing the game because we believe we are going to loose. So we stay benched. We want to get back in the game but we are scared. Last time I got injured badly. Why go back out there? We want to Live but we are confused as to why life is so hard? 

Hiding is easier. Staying alone seems safer. 

Fasting Demons Out

 I am fasting and praying for 2 days for my bf to have self control with drinking. He has an obsessive love of alcohol and it really bothers me.  Some women might run away but I want to stay and fight the demons away. If they are demons. It is also just that he desires to have "fun." I don't get why drinking and later throwing up is fun. 

 I was engaged to an alcoholic before. One night he walked home 15 miles when drunk and so we had a fight about that. Why didn't his retarded friend give him a ride home? He could have fallen and busted his head open. I was convinced I had to leave him. The next day I packed my things up, called my mom and she promised to road trip with me back home to live with her. But then he promised he would stop drinking and he actually did. For a year he didn't have a single drink. Then a friend from work convinced him to go to a bar one night and he drank too many shots and died. Did he want to die? No, I doubt it, but he did.

Then 5 months ago my beloved co worker died from drinking. He walked out into traffic while drunk and got hit. That may have halfway been a suicide. Drinking is a powerful drug. Once it takes over your mind and heart there is little hope for escape and freedom. I had wanted to help that co worker quit drinking. Now my dream is to help my bf quit alcohol. Pray for me. Thank you. :) 

Work

 I am somewhat wanting to get back out in the world and work again. I have been enjoying painting and caring for my mini farm here. But I am considering working at Michaels craft store. I could make $18 an hour as a stalker there yay! I could work at an upscale restaurant here and maybe make $25 an hour. I could try subbing finally, like being a sub teacher. I could try babysitting via Care.com. Or I could keep staying home and focus on always being here for my sweetie. It is hard to know if more money or me being home is more what my bf wants and needs. I suppose most women have this inner indecisiveness. Should I get more money for the family or just oversee matters of the house? What is the best use of my time? Most of us don't know the best thing to do with our time. But the Holy Spirit leads us into all truth. Maybe I should stay home and enjoy unwinding for a longer period of time. God only knows. 

Addictions

 We are all addicted to something, meaning we have an unhealthy love of something. A lot of people love sleep too much. I am one of those people. :) Many people love sweets too much. I used to be one of those people. We can overly love cigarettes, alcohol, TV, things that make us feel good. Even exercise can become an unhealthy love addiction. The Bible says we are not to be mastered by anything. We are to have no other gods besides the one true God. Whatever you get obsessed with can become your idol. You can get obsessed with your job. I used to be like that a lot. You can get obsessed with beauty, fashion, a hobby, your pet, etc. "All things in moderation." "Do not love the world or anything in the world." This love is not normal love. It is obsessive love. Be careful of getting obsessed with anything in this life. "We brought nothing into this world and we can take nothing out of it." 

May God help us all to not be overly addicted to anything. May God bless you. :)