Controlling Family Members

It is very common that families become enmeshed, meaning they don't know how to give each other space. It is usually a mother or a grandma, probably because they aren't working and have way too much time on their hands. Women also always want someone to take care of. If they aren't taking care of anyone, it makes them go crazy. This is why so many people have pets. We all crave something to take care of. 

The problem with being enmeshed is that it can lead to addiction issues. One family member wants to be close all the time. The other one just wants to escape and check out, so they do drugs or pills or drink excessively. They just want space. That is the primary reason they want to check out. The other one feels rejected but they should have not come on so strong. They need to see that the other person prefers to be left alone. 

If you ever have to handle living with an addict, let them feel free. The more they feel in a cage, the more likely they are to use a substance to set their mind at ease. Trying to become to close to some people can make them feel locked up and greatly increase their stress levels. 

It is hard to know in any relationship how much space the other person needs. Every person is different in how God made them. We all vary in how close or how distant we want to be from people. Usually it depends on how much a person has been hurt by others. The more they have been betrayed in some way, the more space they might want. They have to slowly learn to trust you and those around them. It isn't easy to trust people again when you have been surrounded by con artists. You don't know who is trustworthy and who is only out to get something from you. It is hard to tell who really loves you and who just wants to use you. Respect the other person's need to be free and not enmeshed. Then hopefully they will become more healthy, and you can have a better relationship eventually. 

Give People Freedom

 Watch out for co-dependency. The issue with being co-dependent is that you don't give people freedom. One of my favorite verses is, "Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." I know I very much appreciate freedom. What you want others to do to you, do to them. If you give those you know freedom, they will in turn give you freedom. Isn't that beautiful? 

In any situation where addiction is an issue, there will always be someone who tries to control the addict. That generally only makes them worse. Then they want to continue to do anything they want to do just to show that they are free. They want to show you and themselves that they are free. I know when I was growing up, the more my mom tried to control me, the more I wanted to go against everything she said. She would try to ground me. I would just sneak out at night. I wanted to do anything she didn't want me to do. It was an ongoing power struggle between her and I. 

No one wants to feel stuck or controlled by someone else. I think that could be a main cause of addiction. The person wants to feel free to choose to be an addict. Of course then they aren't free, because they become a slave to whatever substance they choose. But they may think, at least they are free from the control of domineering people. At least they don't feel the need to conform anymore. They are an autonomous person. They are as free as a wild stallion. 

So what is the solution? Let people be free and eventually they will figure out on their own what is right and what is not right. Eventually they will see what they need to see. They will see the truth and "the truth shall set them free." If they never see it, don't worry too much about it. If they want to mess up their body, that is their body to mess up. They will have to face the consequences someday, not you. 

This can be hard in marriage to turn a blind eye to what your mate does that hurts them. The two become one flesh right? But you aren't actually one person. You are still two individual people. You should feel free to do what you want and they should too. "It is God's kindness that leads us to repentence." If you want them to act correctly, let God's love lead them there. You cannot force them to be good. Only God can gently guide them to be more good. 

Coffee and Benadryl

The most common anti-depressant that Americans use is coffee. It is a natural motivator so you can do Anything. It helps you have the energy to do whatever you need to get done. It has side effects though. Usually it hurts your stomach. It might make it hard to sleep at night, if you drink it too late. It can mess up your teeth if you don't brush after drinking it. 

Almost my entire life I looked down on my mom's medication and she looked down on my coffee. She has always been very against caffeine. I think it's just because she knows she can't combine that with the meds she has always been on. If she was on a stimulant and she also had caffeine, it probably would have put into hyper drive, more than she wanted to be. If she was on a downer, she wanted to feel calm and at peace, and the coffee would interfere with that. It is too bad she never learned to appreciate coffee though. She has always struggled with constipation. I have tried to tell her a few times that coffee would fix that issue for her, but she won't listen to me. 

An easy to get sleeping type pill is Benadryl. It is mainly meant to clear up mucus, but it can also put you to sleep. I used it when I had Covid. I would wake up, eat some crackers and take a Benadryl just to keep sleeping. I knew I needed to sleep it off. I have used it sometimes on other occasions when I wanted to sleep but couldn't. 

If you do use Benadryl for sleeping, don't use it every night. Hopefully you can sleep naturally most nights. And with coffee, if you are tired of it hurting your stomach, try switching to decaf. I did recently, and I am much happier drinking decaf. I have always had stomach issues and it might have been the normal coffee that somewhat caused that. 

Side Effects

In any add for a medication they list all the crazy side effects that one might get after taking that medication. I always thought, "Anyone would have to be insane to take that, or they just don't care about their body at all." To be fair, when I smoked cigarettes for 3 years, I fully knew that could have given me black lung or cancer, but I didn't care. The only side effect I noticed was that my gums were getting puffy. That was the main reason I always knew I needed to quit. 

People will almost always do what they want to do until they finally realize it is really bad for them. Risk is stupid, but it can be fun. We all take a risk with everything. Any job you have is a risk, because any day you could be fired. Every relationship is a risk, because any day they could want to replace you. Anywhere you live is a risk, because a tornado could carry your home away. It was super windy here yesterday, so I kept wondering if that could happen. 

I think we all crave risk, which is why medication is so popular. There is the risk that it could seriously harm your body, but most people seem to enjoy that risk. Maybe they would even be excited to see how it will hurt their body. What side effect will they suffer from today? It keeps them entertained. 

I naturally experience enough pain in life. I don't feel the need to have a pill give me even more pain. It seems for me that something always hurts. Either it's my back or my head or my toe or I have chest pain. There is never a painless day. Why don't I get on medication? Because I know it might fix one issue but cause 5 other issues. All things have an equal and opposite reaction. Meaning what you take could fix one issue but cause another issue. Then you feel the need to take a medication to fix the other issue, and on and on it goes until you have way too many pills to keep track of. 

Why not just deal with the small amount of pain you have now, whether it's physical or mental? Life will never be perfect. We all just need to accept that and stay normal. Don't go crazy and run out and try fixing all your issues. They will never all get fixed. No matter what you do, life will always be full of pain. You have to man up and just accept it. 

Crazy Nightmares

 My boyfriend keeps having dreams that I am with a black guy. I think it's because he thinks black guys are better than him so he is worried I might go that route. I highly doubt I ever would. There has been a bit of a disagreement with us lately, so maybe that is why he is worried he could lose me. He is currently on two medications, and I only want him to be on one. Well I would prefer that he is on nothing, but he is stubborn about being at least on one and now on two. May God be with us. 

I suppose from his dreams, it made me just dream last night that my oldest girl kept trying to give flowers to a black boy at school. I was concerned for her that she liked him. I think most parents want their kids to pick the same race that they are. Of course anything my daughters do now is out of my hands, since I am not allowed to be in their life. Really I did all this to myself, by not sucking up enough to my former in laws. I am not very good at sucking up to people. If anyone doesn't like me, I just say whatever and don't even try. 

I never cared about sucking up to my step-dad or any of my exes. That is probably why I end up moving around a lot. I suppose it's because with any place where I live, I don't care much if I stay or have to leave. I am happy to do whatever. It is probably because I always know I can find somewhere to live or a new job to work at or a new person to be with. I have never felt stuck in any place. 

I feel somewhat stuck now but in a good way. I really love my current boyfriend, so hopefully things will be ok with his double medication thing. I think his anti-depressant was making sleep difficult for him so he got a sleeping pill. Both are not supposed to be taken at a time. Hopefully he will see the truth on that soon, and hopefully he will care. 

Comfort Foods

The biggest way that we all medicate ourselves is with comfort food. What are the main comfort foods? Chips, cookies, brownies, candy and ice cream. Of course this doesn't have to ever cause problems for us if we eat all these things in moderation. It is only in excess that these foods become an issue. I don't think God would want us to totally avoid comfort food. The Bible says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." 

I am currently 7 months pregnant, so I feel like I have to feed myself almost constantly. I get tired of healthy food, so it's nice to have some comfort food. It is good to have rules for yourself with comfort food though. If you have a bowl of ice cream, try just doing that once a week. If you eat cookies, try to limit yourself to like 6. If you eat candy, try to just eat small amounts. It is bad for your body to eat candy as easily and quickly as you might eat normal food. 

I had never seen someone pig out on candy before. When I married my ex-husband, I saw him do it a few times. He would eat chocolate bars the way most people would just eat bread. It was almost instantly gone. I was appalled honestly, and somewhat disgusted. He for sure knew how to pig out. 

It is nice to eat junk food responsibly. If you eat too much, you will just want to throw up. If you enjoy a little, it makes you happy and can give you more energy. Try to find the balance in how you eat it, so you can be more proud of yourself and how you eat.  

Following in Our Parent's Footsteps

No matter how much we try not to, it seems inevitable that we will do almost exactly what our parents did. My mom loved to sleep a lot in order to escape the pain of just living. I love to sleep a lot for the same reason. She always seemed tired and like nothing made her happy. I tend to be the same way. I'm always very serious and have a hard time really having fun. 

My boyfriend seems to be becoming very much like his dad too, even though he knows his actions weren't good. His dad was a parole officer, but ironically, he was always high on something. He died when my boyfriend was only 19. I think he just did too much of his pain pills that day. He had horrible back pain from working for a moving company, so it makes sense to me that he was always trying to numb that pain. Anytime he was not at work, he was high on pills or pot or something else. I think that is also just a thing in the city I live in, perhaps because it is a very ugly place to live. 

So he set the example of being high all the time for his son. Kids are always watching their parents and are always wanting to be like their parents someday. Now my boyfriend seems to always want some new pill to take his pain away. For him it is more emotional pain. I'm sure he has some physical pain, but it doesn't seem to be that bad. Why does he have emotional pain? His dad dying when he was young. Girls who things didn't work out with. Not having more money. His job being quite difficult. I try to be the perfect girlfriend/wife, but I'm sure I could do better. 

I have emotional pain too, plenty of it, but I prefer to just sleep my pain away. That is what my mom set the example for me to do, so that is what I do. We all have our own coping skill for life to handle the pain. Most likely, you do whatever your parents modeled for you. It is possible to break out of that mold. Pray about it. Ask God to help you find new coping skills for life that are more healthy, like doing creative things. It is not set in stone that you will be just like your parents. That is just the tendency that most people will follow if they don't try to do and be something different. 

Suicidal Thoughts

If we were all honest with ourselves, we could all admit that at times we have thoughts of wanting to die. Life isn't easy for anyone. I think everyone should not think they are going crazy if they want to die. Even Paul in the Bible said, "To live is Christ and to die is gain." Meaning he felt it would have been better to die than to keep living. Jesus said that we are supposed to hate this life and this world. Why? Because he didn't want us to love this world more than God. 

It could be said then, that anyone who loves God could always be suicidal. What stops us is that we love God, because we all know he does not approve of those who kill themselves, but the wanting to die is almost always there. The more we see of this world, the less we want it. We start to get jaded. We start to think what's the point of trying anything if I might lose it all? What is the point of saving money if it all disappears quickly? What is the point of growing a home if it can go away so easily? That can be depressing, but it's also good to be realistic about life. Tomorrow it is possible that you might have nothing that you have today. The money, the house, the people could all be gone. The only person that will always be there is Jesus.

I have a constant thought that I would rather be in heaven with God than here. All we can do is try to make our world as close to heaven as is possible.  Listen to Hillsong worship music. That is a nice preview for the feeling we will have in heaven. Pray without ceasing. God wants to be our great friend starting now, not just when we get to heaven. 

Life was never meant to be easy. I suppose God lets it be as hard as he does so that we will always long for heaven. He doesn't want us to see earth as our final home. This is not where we were meant to stay forever. We will fly away someday, and we will live happily ever after with God in the clouds. Don't worry too much about this life. It will all be over before you know it. 

Sugar and Caffeine

The two main ways that we all medicate ourselves in our modern day is with sugar and caffeine. Of course there is the excessive amount of soda that people drink. I heard in a video once that if the carbonation did not exist in soda, we would instantly throw it up due to the crazy high amount of sugar in it. 

I have always tried to avoid soda. I didn't really drink it at all until my mom married my step-dad. He always had 6 kinds of soda in the fridge, like we had our own vending machine. For the first time I got several cavities. I was very sad about that. 

I grew up loving coffee. My dad was quite into coffee, so I started drinking it from the time I was probably 10. I very much love the taste still. Recently I switched to decaf. I realized that is a lot better for my body. I don't have a gall bladder. I read I'm not really allowed to have normal coffee, so decaf it is. I don't miss the caffeine high at all. I feel much more at peace and relaxed now that I have given up caffeine. I highly recommend you all do too. You will be much happier if you do give up caffeine. Any guy who says they need caffeine to work more really should not. Their testosterone is a great natural caffeine. 

Caffeine is a strong drug. Try to avoid it. Sugar is also a drug. We medicate ourselves with sugar all the time. It makes us happy. We pretend to not care that it hurts our teeth. I have always known people get a sweet tooth because what we all really are craving is fruit. If you eat 3 or 4 fruits every day, you won't crave sugar as badly, because then you are getting healthy sugar. It helps to have cheese with fruit so that you stay full longer. I love to make smoothies, so I mix milk and yogurt with fruit. 

It can be easy to get high on sugar. I try to never overdo it with my sugar intake. If I have cookies, I only eat 2 or 3. I have noticed if I ever eat plain ice cream, I feel extremely hungry an hour later. I know that is because the ice cream kicks your body into a sugar high and then it drops you. I mostly try to avoid eating plain ice cream for that reason. I hate that aftermath feeling that ice cream causes. 

What is better to consume than sugar and caffeine all day? Protein. Eggs, yogurt, nuts, cheese, meat, and fruit are all good. Salads are ideal, but if you prefer to not become that healthy, try having smoothies every day. A really good one is banana, some ice cream, peanut butter and oatmeal. 

It is good to take good care of your body. You only get one. :)

Schizophrenic Disorder

Ephesians 6:12 

"We do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."

The reason the term Schizophrenia came to be was that people were too afraid to call it what it is. Anyone who is Schizophrenic is actually demon possessed or demon oppressed. There are demons in them or on the outside trying to harass them. Most say if someone is even a little Christian, they cannot have demons on the inside. They can have demons pestering them on the outside though. 

Most people have probably felt this but didn't even realize it. The main demon that I feel has messed with me most of the time is depression, or a spirit of heaviness. Spirits can be passed down through generations. The Bible says the sins of the fathers are passed down to the 6th and 7th generation. Whatever your dad struggled with, you also might struggle with that same thing. For some it is anxiety, or a spirit of fear. That is the main spirit that Schizophrenics struggle with. 

The issue is a matter of faith. Either you have faith in God and what he said, or you don't. When you become paranoid, you are having faith in Satan and his demons and what they tell you, rather than in what the Bible says. You lose sight of the promises of God and begin to believe what demons tell you instead. 

I remember thinking, in relationships your faith doesn't have to be in the other person. It can be rather in God, that God will help keep the two of you together. When you start to lose that faith that God will watch over you well, you start to believe what demons tell you instead. 

What happens in the mind of a Schizophrenic is they create a movie in their mind that is solely based on imagination. Nothing that they believe is happening is actually happening. It is all in their head. The song that makes me think of this illness is "Zombies in your head...." They are full of imagined fears that they can't seem to stop. That is why medication can be helpful with anyone in this state. If they can't stop their obsessive fearful thoughts, the medication will help to calm their mind down. It helps that person's mind to stop engaging with the demons. 

Why does God allow someone to be messed with by demons in this way? I don't know. That is a question I have had for the past 4 years since it happened to my ex-husband. We all have free will, unfortunately. We can choose to have the Holy Spirit lead us, or we can choose to be led by demons. Every day, we get to decide if we want to follow the light or the darkness. 

Romans 8:4-15 talks about this in detail, "So God condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 

Walk in the spirit, not in the flesh. Be led by God's Holy Spirit and nothing else, so that you will have peace. 

Here are great verses on the topic of Schizophrenia:

1 John 4:1 

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.

Philippians 4:8 

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Isaiah 40:31 

They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Romans 12:2 

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Isaiah 26:3 

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Psalm 121:1-8 

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand.

Philippians 4:13 

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Mark 1:24-45 

The demon in the man said, “What have you to do with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God.” But Jesus rebuked him, saying, “Be silent, and come out of him!” And the unclean spirit, convulsing him and crying out with a loud voice, came out of him. 

2 Timothy 1:7 

God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

James 1:8 

He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

1 Peter 5:7-10 

Cast all your anxieties on God, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Philippians 4:6-7 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 5:7 

Cast all your anxieties on God, because he cares for you.

Luke 1:37 

Nothing will be impossible with God.

Jeremiah 17:9 

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

Isaiah 41:10 

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

John 14:6 

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

John 10:10 

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Matthew 4:24 

Jesus' fame spread throughout all Syria, and they brought him all the sick, those afflicted with various diseases and pains, those oppressed by demons, those having seizures, and paralytics, and he healed them.

2 Timothy 3:16-17 

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.

Proverbs 4:

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

Mark 6:13 

They cast out many demons and anointed with oil many who were sick and healed them.

2 Corinthians 10:5 

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.

Luke 10:17-27 

The seventy-two returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!” And he said to them, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you. Nevertheless, do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.” 

Psalm 103:1-4

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 23:1-6

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 

Romans 10:13 

Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.

John 8:32 

You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

Mark 5:1-13

They came to the other side of the sea, to the country of the Gerasenes. And when Jesus had stepped out of the boat, immediately there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit. He lived among the tombs. And no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain, for he had often been bound with shackles and chains, but he wrenched the chains apart, and he broke the shackles in pieces. No one had the strength to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and on the mountains he was always crying out and cutting himself with stones. When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. He shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? In God’s name don’t torture me!” For Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you impure spirit!” Then Jesus asked him, “What is your name?” “My name is Legion,” he replied, “for we are many.” And he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area. A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. The demons begged Jesus, “Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them.” He gave them permission, and the impure spirits came out and went into the pigs. 

Matthew 22:39 

You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Proverbs 28:13 

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.

Proverbs 27:17 

As iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 3:5-8 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

Psalm 34:17-20 

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

John 16:33 

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

2 Thessalonians 3:16 

May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all.

Asbury Revival

 God I pray that every major church all over America will take the lead on having their own revival. I pray that next weekend all day Saturday and Sunday they will open their church up for spontaneous worship and Bible reading. I pray this concept will spread like fire all over the world and that America will shine out a beautiful light finally to the world. 

Here is the livesteam video of Asbury University. 😀😁😀

(2) ❤️😭 Asbury Revival 2023 — Worship. Living God stream - YouTube

If you have not seen the YouTube videos on the Asbury Revival check them out, especially this one by Isaiah Saldivar. 

(2) The Asbury Revival - Authentic Revival? Emotional Reaction - YouTube

I wish I could have been there the past 10 days. 😁 Good job Asbury University! 👏😁🙂☺😀🎉🎊😌😀

Bi-Polar Disorder

This condition is mainly used to describe anyone who is very emotional. Usually the older we get, the more we are able to control our emotions and have self-control. We learn that in order to function in society and keep a job, we have to control our emotions. We can't flip out on our co-workers or we will be fired. Anyone who hasn't learned self-control with their emotions probably doesn't value making money that much. 

If you want to make money, if you need to make money, you learn how to control yourself. You can't get overly stressed out and worried. No one wants to talk to a co-worker who is worried all the time. You have to at least appear totally rational and calm in order to keep any job you might want. 

The reason it is called bipolar disorder is that people in this state jump from one extreme to the other quickly. Either they are super emotional or super sluggish. The high they get could be a positive emotion. They could be super happy and then super sad. If you think about it, kids are like this. A person like this has not totally matured yet. They are still acting like a child. It's hard to say if medication will help them. Maybe a little bit. Mostly they need to learn how to grow up. Maybe they need to take on a more serious job. Maybe they should have kids. I have always said, we all function as children until we have children. Maybe they need to learn how to handle a budget. 

We all mature at our own rate. Things that happen to us can make us more or less mature. If there is some trauma that we face, it is possible to stay stuck at that age. Part of us might stay stuck as a child if we experienced abuse or some traumatic event. Of course, you can get past that eventually with good counseling and good friendships. We can all heal from anything. We just have to want to get better. 

Don't remain a child forever. Grow up at some point, so you can handle life better. For the sake of those who love you, learn to be less emotional and more mature. 

A Time for Drugs

Proverbs 31:6-7

"Let beer be for those who are perishing,

    wine for those who are in anguish!

Let them drink and forget their poverty

    and remember their misery no more."

There is a good time to drink or take prescription drugs, in moderation. This passage says if you are dying, or in anguish mentally, or in extreme poverty, that is the time to numb yourself. My mom used to point this verse out to me often. She didn't drink, but she did take meds, which is pretty much the same thing. I think she felt that she was in anguish, so that made her justified to take medication. She did marry my dad and he molested me and messed up our whole family. That was certainly something to feel anguish about. She was somewhat in poverty when he went to jail. She had to get food stamps for a while. 

We are all dying in some way, if you think of it. So we all could justify numbing the pain of that. 

When I was a manager at Papa John's, I felt like I needed a drink every evening to solve my feelings of anguish. It is hard to lead any group of people. It is hard to try running a store. Also when I felt like I was dying due to having gall stones, I got more into drinking wine. Mainly I would just drink it when I had the pain. 

I will deliver a baby in 2 months. I fully hope to get a pain med of some kind so the labor will be less painful. 

I used to smoke for 3 years. I reasoned with myself that I could have a cigarette anytime I wanted to cry over giving up my daughters to my ex. It did help me to feel less of the pain of that. 

There is good timing to medicate yourself, if you genuninely think it will make your life better. No one wants to live in mental or physical pain forever. If you need some relief, medication makes sense for a season. Hopefully it will help you recover and get back to normal life at some point. When you are able to sleep normally and feel less pain, try weaning off the meds or try quitting smoking or giving up drinking. Maybe you will realize you don't need any of that anymore. 

Verses on Mental Illness

The joy of the Lord is your strength.

The truth shall set you free.

A joyful heart is good medicine.  

Watch this...

https://youtu.be/XhrsSjVyGRQ

Demonic Oppression

Matthew 4:24 

"Jesus' fame spread throughout all Syria, and they brought him all the sick, those afflicted with various diseases and pains, those oppressed by demons, those having seizures, and paralytics, and he healed them."

If you feel oppressed by demons, know that God can and will heal you. Just ask him. "Anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." That is not just spiritual salvation. It is every kind of salvation. God wants to save you mentally, emotionally, physically and deliver you from any demonic oppression. We don't just get saved in order to get into heaven. We are saved so that we can have a great life on earth as well. Jesus said, "I came that you may have life and life abundantly." If you are oppressed by any evil spirits, you cannot have a full life. Most mental health issues are caused by demonic oppression. It is caused by Satan invading your mind and giving you destructive thoughts. He takes over your thoughts and tries to "steal, kill and destroy" anything good in your life. 

My ex-husband was very much oppressed by demons. He kept having auditory hallucinations that he had no control over. He kept accusing me of saying things I didn't say. I was blown away that that was even possible. Satan has a lot of tricks of his trade to mess with your head. Never under-estimate how much he can do. You need to get free of him. You need to transition from darkness to light. It is time to set your mind free and be saved. 

You might think you are already saved. Most people do actually. If you are plagued a lot by demons, I hate to say it, but you probably aren't saved. If you are walking in the peace of the Holy Spirit, you won't be plagued by demons at the same time. 

In order to get fully saved, simply say this prayer, "God please help me. I can't live this life without you. Holy Spirit please invade my mind and heart. Transform me into a person that is like you. I want to follow you the rest of my life. I am not my own anymore. I was bought at a price when Jesus paid a huge price for my soul. I surrender my mind and my will to you. Holy Spirit take over from here on out. My life is yours."

Anti-Depressants

I have felt a life long sadness over anti-depressants. It seemed like they made my mom just want to sleep all the time. The odd thing about that is depression already makes people want to sleep all the time, so why give depressed people a pill that makes them want to sleep more? That never made sense to me. 

Some anti-depressants are energizing. That can be bad though, because then a person gets more stressed out, which can result in greater depression. It is like running a horse weary. You can't run your mind or your body on hyper drive for too long or you might burn out and collapse eventually. 

Depression can cause both insomnia and over sleeping. I suppose that is why there are pills made to fix both issues. The main effect of depression is over sleeping. Why do some people do this? They are basically done with life. Maybe they have already accomplished all that they wanted to accomplish. They are sad they don't have more at this stage of their life, so they might be depressed about that. 

Depression really can be internal complaining that never ends. They wish their car was nicer or their house. They wish they were with a hotter person. They wish they had more kids or less kids. They wish they had a career that was affecting the world in a positive way. They wish they had more money or nicer things. Nothing is ever good enough. 

At some point you have to decide to be grateful for what you have. If you can't change it, then why think about it all the time? Just live one day at a time, be happy for what you have, and do what you can with the time you have. That is all you can do. Gratitude is the best cure for depression. Learn to be grateful, and you will feel a lot less depressed. 

Anti-Anxiety Medication

 Why do people think they need anti-anxiety meds? Usually, it is due to some extreme emotion they are feeling that they no longer want to feel. It might be fear. It could be anger. It might be loneliness. 

Does the medication work? It's hard to say. It might numb their brain a bit so that they feel less. Most people on a medication appear to be zombie like. It is a way to turn off the emotions mechanically rather than you turning them off yourself. Medication is for people who have not trained their mind to be more disciplined. 

Some people are unable to turn off the negative thinking. They cannot stop the crazy thoughts from racing. Their mind often goes to the worst case scenario, and they can't help it. 

What is the source of the problem? It could be their own inability to control their thoughts. It could also be demons invading their minds. The Bible says, "Do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give Satan a foothold." If you stay in your anger for too long, that can give Satan and demons full access to your mind. At some point you need to tell them to leave, and you are able to do that. The only way demons are allowed to invade your mind is if you let them in. 

Fear is also a major spirit Satan uses to torment human beings. The Bible says, "You did not receive a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind." That means that some people do receive a spirit of fear. Why? Because they want it. Why would anyone want a spirit of fear? It entertains them. That is the simplest explanation. They find normal life too boring, and they want to be afraid all the time. It is like watching a non-stop horror movie, but you have made your life a horror movie. These people enjoy the adrenaline rush. They enjoy never feeling bored. There is always something exciting or scary happening, because they imagine that there is. 

The final main negative feeling that people may want to numb is from a spirit of heaviness. That is what we call depression. It is a feeling like a heavy cloud over your head. You can't get rid of it. You just feel tired a lot and sad. There is medication to somewhat fix that. I have always preferred coffee, but for those who don't want to drink coffee, anti-depressants may help.

The best solution is to "submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you." Don't allow yourself to think that Satan is your friend. He only wants to hurt you. Sure he might entertain you and keep life from being boring for a season, but in the end he will bite you like a snake. Stay away from Satan and his demons. Your brain will thank you. And it will be nice to not have to get on medication. 

Sleeping Pills

Psalm 4:8 

"In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

It is very common that people have a hard time sleeping. It might be from worry and stress or not eating enough before bedtime. Maybe your bed is not very comfortable. Maybe you have to get up to use the bathroom a lot. I have that dilemma, but it is usually easy for me to go back to sleep. 

It might seem like the easiest option to just take a sleeping pill to help you sleep. I have never taken sleeping pills. I have never really needed one. I usually work pretty hard every day doing some project so sleep comes easily for me. 

Falling asleep may be harder for some due to a lack of exercise. It helps to do some kind of work every day. Clean some part of your house. It is harder to sleep if your body isn't actually tired. 

Try to not drink anything with caffeine after 5pm. Eat something that is low in sugar before bedtime. 

If your mind is racing, you have to tell it to stop at some point. Push the off button on your thoughts. If you can't stop thinking, pray about what you are thinking about. Ask God questions about anything you are worried about. Then you will have peace. 

My heart goes out to you if you have a hard time sleeping. There have been times when I got frustrated over not being able to sleep. Try to get up and do something. Listen to a YouTube video and learn something. It helps to give your brain a good work out. Write about whatever is on your mind. Some of my best writing ideas have come to me in the early morning hours. Work on an art project. You don't have to sleep every hour of the night if you aren't able to. 

You don't need pills. You need to feel at peace to help you sleep. Learn what helps you feel at peace and do that. 

Pain Pills

I have had extreme pain many times in my life, but I have never gotten on pain pills. I suppose I am more inclined to grin and bear it. That must come from my years of playing basketball, and from having an older brother. I grew up super tough and God willing, I will always be very strong. 

The tricky thing about pain pills is getting off of them. They can serve a purpose for a while, if you cannot handle whatever pain you are feeling, but no one should stay on them for life. This tends to happen very often. 

If you have any kind of physical pain, try taking really hot baths. Go sit in a hot tub, if you can find one. Buy a hot tub online. Try putting an electric heating pad on where you are hurting. The electric ones work better than ones you might warm up in the microwave. Use an ice pack, depending on what kind of pain you have. If you have a bad headache, it might be caused by the air being super dry. Get a humidifier or boil some water on the stove. Fill your bathtub with hot water to make the air less dry. Put a hot wet washcloth on your face for any allergy pain you may have. If you get lots of mucus, try blowing your nose every time you go to the bathroom. Sudafed might help you, but if you take it too often, it can make you feel jittery. 

A great solution for physical pain also is icy hot patches. A cheaper version of those is a brand called Salonpas. You can get a box of 60 at Wal-Mart for around $4. I have been putting those on any place that I have pain for the last 5 years, and they help me tremendously. 

If your back hurts, or your ankle or your neck, try seeing a chiropractor. It can get expensive, but usually they have membership options. I had a membership at one and it was only $12 a month. It felt very worth it to me. Any time I had pain, from working in my pizza store, they would fix it literally in just one session. I always thought of them as miracle workers. 

You don't have to live forever with your physical pain. There are many good, natural solutions other than pain pills. It helps to pray about it too. Ask God what he would recommend for you to do. Pray for him to heal you, or he will help you figure out practical things to do to make your pain go away. "The Holy Spirit leads you into all truth." Eat healthy. Use heat. Stay away from pills. Your later self will say thank you to your current self. 

ADHD

There is a great video on YouTube by Pastor John MacArthur about parenting. He talks about the symptoms to prove that a child has ADHD. He said that sounds like just about every child he has ever known. I would add, especially boys. Pretty much all boys appear to have ADHD, but that is just caused by their testosterone. 

In boys only 14 years old, their testosterone can be as high as 1200. Girls at 14 will only peak at 75. No wonder why young men have a difficult time sitting still in class. It is not something that needs to be medicated. They need to join a sport of some sort, to burn off all their extra energy from testosterone. 

I suppose if boys aren't in a sport, then maybe their parents, or they themselves, feel that medication will help to calm them down. Maybe they are tired of feeling so amped up. Maybe they want to subdue their sex drive. When men are older, they might try to lower their testosterone by drinking too much. Younger men don't have that option, so medication may seem like a good solution. 

I can only imagine that it must be very hard to be a young man due to struggling with testosterone. I'm sure for older men, when it goes down, it might be a relief. 

Sports are the solution, more so than medication. Get outside and remain active. Go play frisbee. Get a job where you are forced to work your body more. That will solve most of the problems of the world, if all the men and boys would stay more active. 

According to the Mayo Clinic, the normal range of testosterone levels for females is:

Age (in years)	Testosterone range (in nanograms per deciliter)
10–11	< 7–44
12–16	< 7–75
17–18	20–75
19+	8–60

The range for males is higher, depending on age:

Age (in years)	Testosterone range (in nanograms per deciliter)
10–11	< 7–130
12–13	< 7–800
14	< 7–1,200
15–16	100–1,200
17–18	300–1,200
19+	240–950

Chart excerpt from this article: 

High Testosterone Levels in Women: Causes, Symptoms, and More (healthline.com)

How You Can Quit Smoking

Matthew 17:20 

"Truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

It seems that most people who smoke wish that they could quit. How do you quit? You just have to believe it will be easy for you and it will be. If you are tempted to get cigarettes every time you get gas, just pay at the pump and don't go inside. Try to go out less and order your groceries online. Try to find more foods that you enjoy. A lot of people smoke just because they are hungry, and they don't know what to eat. 

It is also an issue of not wanting to feel whatever you are feeling. Maybe you want to numb some pain that you feel. You have to allow yourself to feel that. It is better for your mind in the long run if you don't keep stuffing what you are feeling. Learn to accept your pain as a part of life. Everyone experiences pain. We can't always avoid the feelings of sadness or fear or anger. 

It can also just be an excuse to get outside. I used to smoke for 3 years. I always thought, "I'm going to enjoy some fresh air, while filling my lungs with toxic smoke." You can go sit outside without smoking. For me it helped to get some kittens from Craigslist. Then I had a different reason to go outside. I had something else to keep me entertained outside. 

You might also think you need it as a physical pain killer. I used to think only smoking could help my headaches. The best thing for a headache is sleeping more. Your body is trying to tell you it's tired. If you can sleep more, then do it. 

It can be easy to want to smoke if you feel angry. Try to not get angry as easily. It really is a mindset. Just decide that not as many things matter. The less you decide that something matters, the less it will cause you to get angry. 

Stay calm without smoking. It is easy if you think it is. Good luck quitting smoking. I believe you can do it. May God bless you. :)

Depression

 What is depression? I think it is a combination of feeling tired, lonely and feeling regret. It is feeling like you messed your life up, and you don't want to feel sad about it but you do anyways. It is a grieving of losses. It is wishing there was more to your life. It is missing what was and feeling anxiety over what could be. It is not feeling sure of yourself and what you want to accomplish in life. 

It is a sadness that you hate feeling, but it is there anyways. 

A Scary River of Meds

My entire life I have felt like I am standing on the side of a rushing, dangerous river. Everyone I know falls into the river and gets swept down stream. What is the river? Medication. Once they jump in, the current carries them away and it seems like they are powerless. They just let the current take them away from me and from the world.

My mom had her anti-depressants and who knows what other meds. My brother was put on Ritalin very young. My dad was on an ADHD med and I don't know what else. I was the only one still not sucked into the river. I just had to watch them all half drowning and there was nothing I could do to help them. 

Now recently my ex-husband got sucked into that same river. He had hallucinations and most people think to just put a person in that situation on meds. To be fair, I had no idea know how to help him. The only way his mom figured to help him was meds. She hoped it would make him better, maybe so we could reunite. But God told me a few times that he will most likely always be crazy. I guess God just didn't want me to feel bad about moving on. 

Once you let your mind become that far gone, it isn't easy to get it back. You can't let your mind slip really far down the rabbit hole. How do you prevent that? Learn to reign in your thoughts better and have self-control in your way of thinking. Watch mental health videos that help you grow. Read books that help you grow your mind. Liten to sermons by intelligent pastors that help you grow stronger. 

"Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ."

Instead of just taking a pill, listen to great teachers. Learn how to find them and listen to them often. We all need great leaders if we want to go to great places. Always know you have more to learn. You have never arrived at a full wisdom. You always need help, so be willing to get it. Then you will heal and not stay broken, and you will never become broken again. 

Sleeping Too Much

The medication issue has affected me more over the past year, because I decided to be with a man who is on an anti-depressant. I understand why he started it. He had a hard break up 2 years ago and felt sad over that. The problem was instead of finding a new person right away, he got on the anti-depressant. I had a hard break up 4 years ago, but I was lucky enough to find a new person right away. It is much better to replace a person with another person instead of a pill. 

His medication causes him to think he needs 12 hours of sleep every day. It is frustrating for me because I don't know if he really does need 12 hours of sleep a day or not. Is his over sleeping a medication hangover, so then it doesn't matter? Or does he really need all that sleep?

When we met, he said his medication helped him not want to drink anymore. I said, "Well that is a good reason to take it." But then he started drinking too. He has quit drinking and God willing, will never start drinking ever again. Recently he wanted to also take pain pills for his back hurting. I was saying why can't he just take normal Advil? He looked up online that he shouldn't take both medications at once. I was proud of him for doing his own research on that. Taking more than one medication, in general, is always a bad idea. The issue is an ingrained mentality of always thinking the next substance will fix everything. I don't fault him too much for thinking like that, because most people these days think that way.

His dad was like that. His grandma is like that. My mom was like that. There is a pill for everything these days. If you want to sleep more, take Zoloft. If you want to be awake more, take Ritalin. Of course you could just drink coffee or wine to get the same effect, but for those who don't like coffee or wine, I suppose the pill seems more easy to take in. Maybe some want to avoid possibly staining their teeth with coffee or wine, so a pill seems like a better option.

My older brother recently was put on 4 different nerve medications for his back pain. I don't know why he wasn't just prescribed one, but his back hurt really badly. I was sympathetic about his back pain. I pulled a muscle over a year ago at work just cleaning the windows. My back muscles were in severe pain for about a week. I could barely move without feeling extreme pain. I took a week off work and just took Advil. Eventually my back felt better. I tried putting my heat pack on it, but I think that just made it worse. I should have gotten an ice pack for my back. It is always hard to know if ice or heat are better. 

Anyways, the nerve meds my brother was on made him want to sleep almost all the time. I think that made it hard for him to feel like he could try going back to work. He literally took 9 months off and had to borrow money from our mom, our uncle and take out a bank loan. He probably was leery of getting off his nerve pain meds, but he had to in order to get back to work. You can't work if you are doped up, especially with his job. He is an electrician. 

We all should only need 9 hours of sleep every night. When people sleep a lot beyond that, it is sad for most of the people around them. It seems like they have given up on life. Like they are just done. It is difficult when medications make people sleep more then they need to. If you are on a medication, are you on it because you want to be done with life? Why do you want to sleep your life away? Get up and enjoy who you get to have in your life. 

Ritalin

My big brother was put on Ritalin from the time he was pretty young. I always wondered if it helped. He still had a hard time in school. He still had behavior issues. He still didn't seem to care about anything at all really. Was it really a pill that could have helped him? Or more encouragement? Maybe he needed a tutor. I suppose that is one reason I was into working in tutoring for a while. 

Kids don't need a pill to help them do better in school. They need help. They need someone to show them how to do things. They need someone to come by their side and tell them, "It's not that hard, I can help you."

The main gender that is said to have learning issues is boys. Why is that? Boys were never meant to sit 8 hours a day and read and write. Girls and women love to do that. Boys and men do not. God originally designed boys to want to go outside and help with the farm or the livestock. They were meant to work outside with their dad most of the day. They do not do well in school, because that is not where they were meant to be raised. I think most boys also know that most of the things they learn in school will not benefit them in life. They are smart enough to realize that. 

I was homeschooling a 4th grade boy for a while. I went to his house and we knocked out his lessons in 3 hours. Then the rest of the day he literally was permitted to play video games. Halfway through our 3 hour school work day we would go out side and play basketball. I remember thinking, why don't all boys do this? Why don't they just do the speed version of school?

Most of school is just babysitting. It is just a way to kill time, to make childhood pass by quicker. If a teacher thinks a child is too much, she might suggest to the parents of that child, usually the boy, that he start receiving medication. Maybe she shouldn't be a teacher, if she can't handle the kids. I tried teaching one year. I know it can be quite hard. Classroom management is very difficult. You have to be really strict and rigid about the rules. Some people are good teachers and some simply were not meant to teach. Numbing your kids with drugs is not the solution if the teacher simply hasn't figured out how to do classroom management yet. 

Please think twice before putting your kid on meds. Try homeschooling the child if school doesn't seem to be working out well for them. All kids can learn. They just need to be taught in a way that works for them. 

My Dating Standards

With my ex-husband, the only reason I decided to be with him was that initially he had a hot body. That went away with time. He stopped working out. He started smoking. He didn't seem to care about eating healthy at all, the entire time we were married. Toward the end of our marriage, he looked pregnant. I suppose that is what killed the love for me. Men are not meant to look pregnant. The one reason I was with him was then gone. 

With my current boyfriend I have 5 reasons why I picked him. I love his cute face. I love his hot body. I love how generous he is. He is the most generous person I have ever known. Also he is the best listener I have ever known. And one day he will inherit a lot of money from his grandma, so that is a big plus. 

It is nice to remember why you picked someone. We all have a list of things we are looking for in a person. My list when I was younger was that I wanted a guy who had a college degree, who was athletic, smart, Christian and funny. 

My boyfriend does not have a college degree. Neither did my ex. Mine seemed to be mostly pointless so I stopped caring about a guy having that. Both were athletic. Both seemed to be Christian. I think only my current man is actually Christian. A man being funny isn't as important to me now. I prefer someone who is serious, now that I am older. 

I hope you are content with whoever you are with. I hope they meet your needs and expectations and that you meet theirs always. May God bless all you who are in a relationship and may it always stay strong. 

Life Replaces Death

 I just found out my dad is going to die in a couple months due to cancer. It is very ironic that my next baby will be born in 2 months. It made me think of the movie "A Little Bit of Heaven." When the main character is dying of cancer, her good friend is giving birth. It was a great movie. Go watch it. :)

I think my two oldest girls were meant to replace me and my ex-husband. Someday I will die. It is amazing that I am still standing actually. I almost wanted to kill myself when a bug infestation happened. Part of me wanted to. I somewhat wanted to kill myself when I got gallstones. Part of me also wanted to then. But I kept pressing on. Someday my oldest girl Serenity will replace me. Maybe she will lead worship in churches and run small groups like I used to. Maybe she will write books and try teaching at some point. She will make a great teacher and writer. 

Someday my middle girl will replace my ex-husband. Joy is similar to him in personality. They are both more introverted and moody. I hope she will try writing poems like he did, which was what drew me to him. I hope she will work hard to care for her family like he did. I hope she will keep evil people out of her life better than he did. I hope she will be all the things that Ben had the potential to become but never did. 

My next child can replace my dad. I know my dad had tons of potential. He could have done anything with his life. He was so smart and had so much energy. I hope my next child will be at least a little like him, at least his good side. He definitely had a good side. Maybe she will learn to play the guitar like him and tell good jokes like him. Maybe she will love church and being social and fun. Hopefully she will stay sane always and never let her mind go, like he did. 

I wonder if I will have more children and who they could replace. Only God knows. 

Anger at Bug Infestations

I have had a mini war with bugs for the past 8 years. It all started when I felt what may have been jock itch. I guess my ex-husband passed that on to me. Then I felt bugs all over my sheets. I think the issue was me leaving the window open for too long, and I wasn't washing my comforter blanket enough. If you don't wash your top blanket every couple weeks, it is good to run it in the dryer. 

Then we went on a cruise to the Carribean. After that there seemed to be flying bugs in our apartment that were like mosquitos but I couldn't see them. I starting cleaning all the time. I felt angry at the bugs all the time. Every day I would vacuum and wash sheets and mop everywhere. What I didn't realize then was that bugs can easily come up drains. Think of the song "the itsty bitsy spider." I have since realized it helps to keep the sink drains closed and covered and the bathtub drains closed. If you want to open a window, don't keep it open for very long. There are lots of bugs that can fit in through window screens. 

I wasn't sure if the feeling of bugs was in my head at first, but it felt  intolerable. I told my mom and ex-husband, if anything would have made me suicidal, it would have been that. I got rid of all our furniture, and we slept on air mattresses. We finally moved to a new apartment. The bug issue followed us for 6 different moves. In my last house, I had put tape over the grout between the tiles, because they had laid the tiles unevenly so it hurt to walk over them. I later pulled the tape up, and there were hundreds of tiny little red bugs stuck to it. Those may have been chigger bugs. I was always trying to figure out what kind of bugs they were. I know chiggers, that you pick up in long grassy areas, are usually red bugs, probably because they get full of your blood. Ewe....

Anyways, still 8 years later, I feel those bugs sometimes. They just won't leave me alone. I take a bath every day. I change my sheets once a week. I keep my house spotless. 

God told me to get a good vacuum a month ago so I can vacuum often. That is the only way to keep them away. It is good to vacuum your entire house once a week. Bugs can get in through cracks around the doors. Who knows where else. You can check out your drain pipes in your kitchen and bathroom. If they are not sealed all the way around, use tape to make it a complete seal. 

Bugs are so annoying. I have complained to God many, many times about him creating bugs. I don't get why they exist. Hopefully someday I will stop being so annoyed by them and they will leave me alone. Pray for me y'all. I really am tired of them annoying me to no end. 

Anger Over Weight Badgering

I had a few very skinny exes that liked to badger me about my weight. The odd thing is that I'm not even that big. I have always considered myself a skinny person. It could be that they felt insecure about how skinny they were, and they wanted me to be just as skinny as them. They were both pretty much anorexic. It could be said that they had a spirit of death. Not feeding yourself is mainly caused by a spirit of death. 

So they often were trying to tell me indirectly, that I was fat and that I needed to exercise more. To one guy I said, "Who says putting laundry away isn't exercise?" The other guy didn't care as much about me exercising, but I think he wanted me to lose weight.

Before I met my ex-husband I read his dating profile. It said, "If you don't care about going to the gym a lot, don't even bother messaging me." I have never been a big gym person, but I did like sports and bike riding. I figured that made me qualified to message him. He did end up being mad I wasn't a gym rat like him. I suppose that is a major reason why things didn't work out between us. I remember at the beginning I told him that after I had a kid, my body would be shot. His reaction was, "Well that sucks!" I guess most guys don't realize that. Some women get their skinny body back after kids, but most of us don't. 

My aunt, after having a kid, got a tummy tuck. I always thought that was shocking that she felt she had to do that, because her husband was literally 350 pounds. It always angered me that she thought she had to look perfect when he was no where near looking perfect. Double standards are aggravating. 

People in general need to let each other off the hook regarding extra weight. No one will ever look perfect. What is the point? It is better to just enjoy life rather than always worry what your body looks like. It is nice to be proud of what you look like, just like you might be proud of your clean house, but you don't need to be arrogant about it. Way to many people have a body worship issue. Either they worship their own body or someone else's body. It is a person's good heart that should keep us with them, not their body. Be grateful if your mate's heart is good. That is the most important thing. Nothing else really should matter. If anything else does matter a lot to you, then you don't deserve to have someone. Just stay single. 

Causes of Anger

 Getting cut off in traffic 

Feeling smothered 

Lying 

Waiting in long lines 

Break ups 

Stubbing your toe 

Cheating 

No time for yourself 

Being in a hurry 

Running late 

When a boss never says good job 

Trying to do too much 

Slow drivers 

Rude bosses 

Living with messy people 

Loosing objects 

Believe Again

Luke 1:37 

"Nothing will be impossible with God.”

Don't let those negative thoughts win that since things never worked out long term in the past, they never will. You never know what might happen in your future. "Eye has not seen and ear has not heard what God has prepared for us." Try to hope for the best, rather than believe the worst. Don't let Satan steal your future life from you before you even have it. He can steal it in your mind by setting you up to fail. Don't imagine the worse case scenarios before they even happen. Don't cut your own legs out from under you so quickly. Maybe this time, finally, you can have a successful marriage, a successful life, and a successful family. 

Sometimes history will repeat itself, but not always. You have to stop it from repeating. Try to let your fears go. Refuse to think that what happened before will most likely happen again. If you are in a new relationship, just keep reminding yourself that this person is a different person. Their family is different. The children you have will be different. That might make you sad or happy, but choose to see the positives. What future would you like to have? Make it happen for yourself. Don't lose your faith. Hold onto what little faith you may have left. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing.

Jesus said, "Apart from me, you can do nothing." Maybe in the past you tried to live your life apart from Jesus. You tried to do things the way the world does them. You got caught up in the things of this earth, and then you lost it all. Try to focus on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. Try to cling to him in the hard times, like an anchor in the middle of your storm. He will never let you go, as long as you never let him go. Make him your rock, your hiding place. Look to him to save you and to rescue you fully and completely. Nothing and no one else will know how to. No one knows you as well as Jesus does. Let him save you. 

If you build your house on the solid rocks of Jesus, it is less likely to crash and burn one day. Keep building your mind on the word of God and sermons and worship music. Do what you can do to seek first the kingdom of God, and then all the other things you want will be added unto you. 

Anger Over Physical Injury

A few years ago, both of my daughters got seriously injured. If anything has made me feel unstable in life, it was those two things. My youngest cut her finger on her bike one day. She was trying to ride her big sister's bike. I thought she was tall enough, so I let her try it. She tipped over at the end of the driveway and the bike fell on her finger. She had her finger over the side of the handle bar. We drove her quickly to the ER, and she got stitches. Her finger was wrapped up for about a month. Luckily when it healed, she still had her finger nail. That was probably the most traumatizing day of my life.

A couple months later my oldest girl got hurt badly. We were all going down a river trial sidewalk by our house. My ex and I were on roller blades. I was pushing our youngest in a stroller, and my oldest was on her scooter. We came to the top of a big hill. My oldest looked like she wanted to get in the double stroller. I should have had her get in it, but pride comes before a fall. I figured she could handle the hill on her scooter. She went down it and fell at the bottom and hit her head. She got a big bump on the top of her forehead. It really freaked me out. We all started running back to the car. Her face was somewhat scraped up. We rushed her home so I could put ice on the bump on her head. 

I kept wondering if she should have gone to the ER, but the bump went away pretty quickly. I think my ex told his mom what happened because a week later, she was randomly at our house to pick up Serenity and take her away for a week. I don't know if that was her saying she didn't want me to be her mom anymore. Maybe she wanted to punish me for letting that happen to Serenity. Or she was just being a nosy grandma who wanted to stick her nose into everything in our lives. It felt pretty odd to me that she did that at that time. I wish I would have not let Serenity go that day, because that was pretty much the last time I saw her. A week later my ex-husband left to go live with his mom and our family was done. I took my youngest daughter out to live with them a month later. I wanted her to be with her sister. I then tried to find a new family to care for, and I did for a season. I met a great guy and kind of adopted his son for a year. Now I am about to have my third child with a new guy. I can only hope this family will last forever. 

All that happened, and I lost the 3 people closest to me, because of some crazy freak accident. Not that that was the only reason for our family break up, but it was basically the straw that broke the camel's back. 

If you ever think of doing hard physical activities with your family, don't. Play it safe. Make sure they are always really safe. Of course that might mean having less fun, but it's better to be safe and bored than to lose your entire family over some crazy accident. 

Psalm 4:8 

"In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

Anger Due to Death

When I was in 2nd grade, that was the first time I had a good friend die. My best friend's name was Megan. She was blond and really nice. That is all I remember about her. One day her mom's boyfriend shot her mom, her and her grandma at their house. I have wondered my entire life what he was so mad about in order to do that. I suppose he was possessed, but his anger started with something. Maybe my friend's mom was mean to him. Maybe she cheated on him. 

I suppose that is why I was overly paranoid about my ex possibly trying to kill me. One day he had a pocket-knife in his bed. I went to make his bed and saw it. I texted him and said, "Why was there a pocket-knife in your bed." He said he had it there in case I tried to attack him in his sleep. I told him he needed to go live with his family. Later he said he never would have tried hurting me. I said I wasn't so sure that he wouldn't have, because he was going crazy at that time. 

As a kid, the death of my friend shook my whole world. To hear about something like that at such a young age was crazy. I think it kind of set me into a sad state for the rest of my life. It made me think about the pains of life all the time. I always thought my dad sexually abusing me stole my innocence and my happy, young childhood, but maybe hearing about that did more so. 

Thankfully, I did not experience anyone else dying for a long time. I almost felt like I was going to die in 5th grade. My appendix exploded, and I had to get it removed. The doctor had told my mom if she had waited a few more days to bring me to the ER, I would have died. The recovery from that was pretty terrible. I always wondered if the vaccines my mom had forced me to take a few months before that caused my appendix to explode. 

The next close person to me to die was my grandma. I was 25 and she was 92. I cried a little, but it was expected so it was not as painful as I thought it would be. 

When I was 27, my first serious boyfriend died from drinking while being on too many meds. That was devastating for me. I wonder if I took his death overly hard because of the death of my friend as a little kid. I cried every day for a year. I kept wishing I could pray him back to life. I suppose in a way I did, because my current boyfriend looks and acts a lot like him, so that is really nice. 

Recently my co-worker and good friend died. I still don't know if it was an accident or on purpose. He drank a lot one night and then tried to cross the street. That really devastated me. It was almost a year ago, and it still makes me really sad. 

Death is never an easy event to handle. We all intrinsically know it should not have happened. Our world was not originally meant to have death as a part of it. One day we will all be home in heaven. Then death will be no more, and we will all live with God and be happy forever. 

Romans 15:13 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."

Anger Itself is not a Sin

Know that not every time you feel angry, you are sinning. You can feel anger, and it not be a sin. It is not the anger itself that is bad. What you do in your anger is what can be harmful to yourself and others. Keep your cool when angry. Think about what is best to do in response to the anger you feel. Think before you act. It is good to act. You are angry because you want something to be different. Get what you need, but go about it in a calm way. 

The Bible says that Jesus was without sin, but he got angry many times. Anytime I read through the gospels, I am always amazed at how often Jesus got angry. It seems like in half of his ministry, he was angry. Jesus was a man. He was fully human when he walked this earth. He had just as much testosterone as any man has. 

What made Jesus angry that didn't count as a sin? He got mad at his disciples when they were lacking in faith. He was mad often at the Pharisees because of their hard hearts and their extreme pride. He was mad at his mom and brothers when they tried to stop him from doing his ministry and called him crazy. He was mad that the Pharisees were unbending in not choosing to see his way of things. He was mad the Jews did not recognize him as the promised Messiah from the Old Testament. He was mad when the Pharisees asked him for a sign, when he had performed plenty of signs and miracles already. He flipped the tables in the temple, because he was mad they were trying to make money rather than focusing on that place being for worship. 

Feeling anger is not a sin in and of itself. You can be angry justifiably and not worry about being in sin. Maybe that anger is meant to energize you to pray more for the person you are angry with. Maybe it is meant to energize you to get what you want. You might be angry because you feel you deserve different treatment. You can either use that energy to reason with the person mistreating you, or go find a new person who will treat you better. 

Anger is a good emotion given to us by God to fix our life. A lot of people prefer to stuff their anger. They sweep it under the rug, but then they never get healed of what they are angry about. Talk it out. Let out what you are mad about to someone you know well and trust. It's ok to express your anger in rational conversations. Hopefully then you will be able to let it go. 

Romans 12:17-18

"If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.'” 

Work Place Abuse

I had the worst last 2 bosses. Both had terrible temper tantrums often that were out of the blue and totally uncalled for. One night a very young manager that I had told me to not clean anything until closing. So then I was going to order and make food and he said, "Don't make any food." He was basically telling me I couldn't do anything. I had felt God tell me before work that I would need to put him in his place that day, so I did. I finally went off on him. I had had enough of his rigid dictator control. I was yelling at him telling him he wasn't running the entire country. It was just a pizza store. I think no one had challenged him like that before, which is why he was the little dictator that he was. I knew I could probably get away with saying all that, because I knew everyone there loved me. It was probably the most I have ever yelled at someone in my life. I was tired of his abuse and of him abusing the other workers. He was ridiculous sometimes in how he ran the store. But he was only 21. That was a lot to put on such a young guy. He was pretty much completely running that Papa John's at only 21. We had an ongoing love/hate relationship that was quite entertaining for all our friends around us I'm sure. 

My next Papa John's boss was only 26. He too had annoying dictatorship issues. A few times he was verbally abusive toward me. Pizza work is highly stressful, so it is common that people flip out on each other. One time I was cutting a pizza. He came over and picked up two slices and said they were not at all the same size. He threw the whole pizza away. I went and sat in the walk in fridge to cool off. I realized then I probably needed to quit. For some reason I stayed, but a month later I was putting away the truck shipment in the fridge. He didn't want me to do that right then, so he came in there, saw me and slammed the door to the walk in. I finally decided that was my last day there. I am glad I never went back. 

Overly young people really should not be managers. It is admirable when they try to do it, but there can be a lot of mess ups and lack of class. It was a challenge for sure to be dictated by those two guys for 3 years, but I survived. 

If you are being abused at work, just leave. The abuse will probably only continue. There are plenty of good jobs out there. Just go find a new one, and hopefully there will be less or no abuse at your new job. 

Romans 12:19-21

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

My Anger at False Prophets

With my ex-husband, he received two "words from the Lord" from two different guys. This was about 4 months before we broke up. I think this started his insanity. One guy said, "God told me to tell you that your wife is going to poison you." Wow right? I never would have. Another guy said, "God told me to tell you your wife is going to accuse you of molesting your daughter." I will say that is possible. Toward the end of our time together, he was starting to remind me of my dad so much. It creeped me out a lot. My dad went crazy too. He molested me because he was crazy, and his demons wouldn't leave him alone. I was worried that history would repeat itself with my ex-husband. Please pray that he would never even have the thought of molesting our daughters. He is currently taking care of them.

One time my oldest girl was sitting on his lap, and I didn't like it. I don't think dads and daughters should have really close contact. It is good to have proper boundaries in families. I think that is why most men want a son, because they don't want to be worried about how close is too close to get to their daughter. I can't imagine being in that position. It probably would get annoying.

In the early days of planet earth, the girls would stay inside with their mom, learning how to cook. The boys would go out in the field and work with their dads. The two genders almost never mixed, except for a mother and father cuddling at night. Churches were kept separated by genders. I always thought that was probably the best way to have church. Females and males didn't often mix. 

Now in our modern world, there is lots of mixture of the genders, which might be why there is so much confusion out there. No one knows who they are or what group they belong to. We are intermingling a lot. There are no longer men's jobs and women's jobs. The world has become one giant melting pot of everyone doing everything, which can be good but can also be bad. 

Anyways, back to the false prophet issue. If anyone tells you "God told me to tell you..." generally, don't listen to them. They are probably just trying to control you. Those two men probably wanted to break up our marriage, or else they wouldn't have said such terrible things to my ex. Just take it with a grain of salt if anyone tells you God has a word for you, from them. 

God can tell you directly what he wants to say to you. Ask God to tell you what he wants to tell you. Don't listen to supposed "prophets." They probably aren't actually prophets. They just give themself that title as an ego boost. 

And watch out for people trying to break up your relationship. That will always happen when you love someone, because it evokes jealousy in most of the people around you. They are envious of the love you have and the life that you have. They want what you have. If they can't get it, they will try to destroy what you have. Be on your guard. Be smart. Don't just listen to anyone's advice. Be careful who your best friends are. If they seem to be overly jealous of you, they do not qualify anymore as your friend. 

Deuteronomy 18:20-22 

"The prophet who presumes to speak a word in my name that I have not commanded him to speak, or who speaks in the name of other gods, that same prophet shall die. And if you say in your heart, ‘How may we know the word that the Lord has not spoken?’— when a prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, if the word does not come to pass or come true, that is a word that the Lord has not spoken; the prophet has spoken it presumptuously, and he shall surely be put to death."