Losing Weight After a Baby Delivery

 Here is a sad story. My aunt got a tummy tuck after having her first son. The really sad part about that is that her husband was and is 300 pounds. Why should he care if she looked slightly overweight after having a baby, when he was that big? I hate when men expect their woman to look perfect always when they don't. That is not fair. The reverse is true too I suppose. If a woman doesn't try to stay thin, she should not expect her man to stay thin either. 

It is hard for anyone to lose weight. The hard thing about losing weight after having a baby is that you have to take care of the baby in the middle of the night. In order to do so in a happy mood, you need to eat to have more energy. Maybe that is why post partum women don't lose weight that fast. It could be stress eating. It is also just eating to have the energy to work harder. 

It helps to go on walks to lose weight. Getting a part time job as a waitress or a store stocker can help too. I might work in retail soon being a stocker. I'm sure that will help for me to get my baby weight off. It does bother me sometimes. 

I think that's why the women who don't have kids, don't. They don't want to worry about all the extra weight from pregnancy and wanting to get rid of it. I think it is also why some women just have one baby after another. They probably think, "Well I'm fat already so why not get pregnant again and get more fat?" But you can get that weight off. It is possible. Just try harder. 

Obviously, it is ideal to avoid candy, cookies and chips. If you do eat chips, I recommend pringles. I am currently re-kindling my love of pringles. At least they don't hurt my stomach after eating them, so they can't be that bad for you. 

If you crave chocolate, try chocolate covered almonds. I read that almonds are the number one super food, meaning they prevent cancer and any other disease you probably never want to get.

Drink lots of water. Often times when we think we are hungry, we are actually just thirsty. Drink juice a lot. The main thing God told me to use to cure my high blood pressure was orange juice. Orange juice is ideal, but any juice helps with any illness you have. The vitamin C is very much needed for your organs. 

Be patient with yourself getting that baby weight off. All good things take effort. You will be movie star attractive again eventually. Just be patient. 

Medical Bills

 I have no intention of paying my medical bill from my C Section. I feel slightly bad about that, but it is my decision. I gave that hospital 1k, which was money a family member generously gave me, in advance for my bill. I feel like that is what it should cost for a C Section, and that is what I paid them. They kept me for 6 days against my will. When you have a C Section, you can't just leave anytime. They have to release you. 

Granted I had high blood pressure, but I could have gone home sooner. Doctors get way too paranoid about blood pressure. They were just being greedy maybe. Perhaps someone thought, "Ha the longer we keep her, the higher her medical bill will be, and we will all get bonuses." 

 I would have wanted to go home right after my C Section. My mother in law could have been my free nurse. And she wouldn't have been drawing my blood every day and waking me up a lot. I appreciate all they did, but it wasn't necessary. Why should any of us pay for medical care that we don't want or need? That is probably why most people don't pay their medical bills. Also, if they weren't so high, we would pay them. I know they are so high because very few people pay them. Essentially when you pay a medical bill, you are paying for 10 other people too who didn't pay theirs. 

Other countries are very wise with this. They raise taxes and that covers any medical expense. That is what we should do too. I think taxes are currently about 30% of someone's income. That should cover medical expenses. If it doesn't, then that is just ridiculous. 

Someday I might pay all the medical bills I still owe. I might get a giant inheritance soon and then I probably will in order to raise my credit score. For now, I don't care much about my credit score. I have a paid off car, and I plan to live in my free house the rest of my life. Good credit is not really needed for anything else. 

The nurses kept wondering why my blood pressure was high. I said one time, "Maybe if you guys would let me nap, it would go down." But they come in your room every 20 minutes for a different reason. It was fun to be more social with 30 different people though. That part was fun. The chef lady calls to get your order for every meal. I wish every day of my life was like that. I couldn't taste the food very well though due to the blood pressure meds they had me on. That was sad. 

It was nice having the nursery at night. I did feel God told me to be willing to stay for 6 days, mainly to spread some light there, but also to recover fully before doing the night baby shift on my own. Sometimes I would play worship music in my hospital room. I realized that might cause some spiritual attack, which it did. 

My bf stayed the night with me there every night, which was nice. One night I attempted to cuddle with him in the almost twin sized hospital bed. That was interesting. 

It was mostly a good experience, but I still don't feel inclined to pay the bill for it. I paid 1k. That is how much it should have been. If you have medical bills and you need good credit, pay them. Even if you pay just $20 a week, they can't send it to collections. May God bless you with wisdom about what to do about your medical bills. God bless. :)

The Best Way to Feed a Baby

 It is tricky to know when to feed a baby and how much. Generally, it is best to wait for them to cry for a feeding time. If they aren't really hungry, then there is no point in making a bottle. It is important though that babies have a small bottle at least once every 2 hours. Most of us adults like to eat at least a snack every 2 hours. Babies are the same way. Small feedings often are ideal for them, and us. 

This blog will mostly be about formula feeding. I think with breastfeeding it takes about 90% of the baby's day. Good job to you ladies that breastfeed, but that is one reason I have never been all that inclined to breastfeed. It takes a lot longer to get the baby full. 

With formula feeding, there is the stress of finding a great bottle. I like the Dr. Brown bottles. It takes a bit of time for the baby to get used to different bottles. It is ideal to stick with the same kind forever. If you feed the baby too much, they might throw up, or they will have lots of spit up. It is better to do small feedings but more frequently. Then they spit up less, which is so nice. 

When my baby was born, he was a primi so he was very skinny. Of course that made me sad, and my main goal then was to make him fat. Now he has a double chin. I am very happy about that. :) A lot of work went into his double chin. 

It is ideal to stick with the same formula forever also. The more you change formula brands, the more it can mess up the baby's digestion of the formula. 

Try getting your baby to hold his bottle as soon as possible. It is very hard to do feedings in the middle of the night. If you can just hand your baby a bottle, that will help you get a lot more sleep. Keep the amount of formula low for middle of the night feedings. They usually just want a snack but not a full meal during the night time. 

May God bless your baby, and may he or she gain weight appropriately. :)

Kid Sports

 I will probably have my son try all the same sports that I did, in the order that I did them. I had a lot of fun growing up playing tons of sports. 

My first sport, or form of good exercise, was bike riding. I might skip that one for him though. Bikes caused me and my daughter serious injuries. Bikes can be incredibly dangerous. Maybe that is why currently, my in laws discouraged me from bike riding. :)

When I was 6, I was on a swim team. That was very therapeutic for me. I had a hard childhood, but I think that kept me happy. In 4th grade I started basketball, volleyball and soccer. I just did soccer for a year, but it was still fun. I played volleyball for 3 years. I was pretty good. 

Basketball I kept playing for the next 12 years. I played on teams in school and then intramural in college. I played at parks a lot, usually with all guys. That was lots of fun. They were always enamored that a female could really play well. That was always a fun ego boost for me. 

I played softball for one summer after 7th grade. My team was all my friends from school so that was super cool. 

I never tried playing tennis on a team, but I played for fun a lot in my 20's. 

The only sports I have never played are water polo and normal golf. I have done mini golf many times, as most of us have. 

One of my dreams is to open an indoor air conditioned mini golf course. Maybe someday I will. That is great family boding time. 

I suppose a great first sport for boys is T ball. That would be cute to see my son play that. I hope he enjoys sports just as much as I always did. May God bless him with great athletic talent so the sports will be a lot more fun for him. And may God bless your kids and grandkids with great athletic skill also. :)

Co-Sleeping

 This is a very delicate topic when it comes to babies and kids. Should parents sleep in the same bed as their kids? If the child is older there is almost no risk of the child being injured. The key is that the parent needs to not be drunk or high or on any medication. Any parent that is under the influence of a drug should of course, never sleep in the same bed with a child or baby. If you are fully aware of your surroundings and your mind is working well, I think it's ok. It is ideal if one side of the bed is against a wall so the child cannot roll off. It can be safe and a great reward for being a parent if the cuddle time is done carefully. 

To deprive a good parent who isn't on any substances of cuddling with their child is very sad. Most moms would never accidentally smother or injure their child. Their instincts from how much they love the child would prevent them from injuring the child. 

My theory is that some moms can't handle being a mom. In their frustration over the baby crying, they hurt the baby. Then they say it was an accident. No I guarantee it was not an accident. They know themselves what their intentions were. 

If you don't have the patience to raise a baby, then don't try doing it. It does take a lot of patience and self-sacrifice and loving others more than you love yourself. It is not a job that everyone should do. This is why some women get post-partum depression. They get overwhelmed with having to care for a little baby. It isn't easy. But it is fun and worth it. 

The line I keep thinking of in regards to motherhood is from a Coldplay song, "Nobody said it was easy." :)

If you want to cuddle with your baby or your older child, do it. Just make sure you aren't drunk or high or on a substance. If your mind is clear, it is safe. That is my opinion. 

May God bless all you fellow parents out there with patience and a great love for your baby or child. And may you never hurt your child because, obviously, you would regret doing that a lot.  

In Laws

 It is tricky to have in laws. Everyone, almost, has a hard time with their in laws. It is just awkward because you have to pretend they are your family when they really aren't. Luckily with my in laws, my mother in law looks like my aunt and my grandmother in law looks like my late grandma. So that is nice. I feel like I have known them my entire life.

My ex in laws did not remind me of anyone. They were people that I never saw eye to eye with and I never could understand them. They never took my ex to church as a kid. I had ongoing resentment at them for that. No wonder he went crazy from his demons. He did not have a good foundation at all. Take your kids to church. Their future mate will very much thank you for doing that. 

My current man was put in private Christian school from a young age. He was taken to church a lot. That was the main reason I picked him, actually. Most parents do not care that much about their kids to put them in private school. I knew when I heard about that that I would like them overall. 

I feel I have a good relationship with my in laws. Hopefully it will always stay good. 

Formula vs. Breastfeeding

 I have regretted a few times that I did not try breastfeeding my baby more. He was a primi though, so he seemed too weak to breastfeed at first. Also when you are in the hospital, they feed the babies formula from day one. I think how things used to be was that the baby had to get so hungry that they felt they had to figure out how to breastfeed. If the baby isn't really hungry, they aren't very motivated to breast feed. Hospitals should probably consider that. It is good to feed the baby something obviously, but when formula takes the place of the mom from the beginning, it is hard to train the baby to breastfeed. 

I tried getting two different breast pumps. It was a very slow process to pump. I had in laws over all day, every day so that made it hard to get time to pump. It wasn't their fault though. That was mandated by CPS. The cause of that mainly was jealousy from a night nurse there. She started drama for me by complaining to CPS about me. I think it was mainly because I was white. Perhaps she hates white people. 

About pumping, I should have shut myself in a room more often to get that done but I didn't. I also have neck issues from accidents as a kid, and pumping hurt my neck a bit. 

I wish breast feeding would have worked out though because it was free milk. Formula is crazy expensive, unless you get the powdered kind but then the baby might not get all that full. I use the pre-mixed kind which might be made with soy milk. 

I hope the formula is totally safe for the baby. There are strange things in some baby products, possibly due to the elite's desire to depopulate. :( I hope there is nothing dangerous in the formula I am giving to my son. 

If you use formula for your baby, don't worry. It is hard to do everything perfectly as a mom. Let yourself off the hook of that expectation. Forgive yourself. Obviously breastfeeding is ideal, but not everyone can pull it off. May God give you peace about whatever you decide to feed your baby. 

God bless and good luck fellow moms :)

Pros and Cons of Raising my Baby

 Here is something that is crazy. We are spending $14 a day on formula. But of course, our little adorable baby is worth every cent. 

I am on my own on the night shift. I slightly resent that, so I buy myself happy things sometimes to say good job to myself for doing that. You always see in movies that both the mom and dad are sleep deprived due to caring for the baby. Nope, it's just me. I didn't expect my bf to wake up for the baby though because my ex never did for my daughters. I don't know how common it is for dads to be willing to miss sleep for their baby. Maybe half of dads are willing to. It depends on the job they have I would think. If their job requires a lot of energy from them, they probably won't wake up to help the mom at night. 

My grandmother in law seems to be addicted to having time with the baby. She is 83 though, so eventually I will have to tell her she is too old to hold him. I don't have the guts to tell her that yet. Please pray for me on that. Thanks all. 

My mother in law watches the boy 3 days a week at her house. That is great, and I appreciate her doing that very much. It gives me and my bf time to catch our breath and just relax together again. So nice. :)

Baby James is not spitting up as much now. Thank you God for that. 

I used to go on walks with him in the stroller. I should try doing that again. It has been 108 every day here lately, so walks seem a bit undoable. I hope the weather cools off a bit soon. 

Every day we watch music videos and comedy from Drybar together. I nap on the couch if he is napping. He likes to actually watch the TV already so that is fun. Maybe someday he will become a comedian or a country singer. How cool would that be. 

Overall it has been fun raising my boy so far. I have good help and a fair amount of money to work with. It is a good life that I have set up for myself here. 

Spoiled Kids

 If there was a good reason for me giving up my two girls, it was that I knew I was making life too easy for them. They were spoiled, in the sense that I wanted to keep them babies forever. They drank out of bottles until age 3. They had food too, but I didn't know a clean way to let them have milk. That is odd I realize that. I couldn't find a good sippy cup and our house was new so I didn't want them spilling milk all over the new carpet. So I suppose I gave up my kids because I loved our house more than them. 😪 It was a beautiful house. Maybe that is why God gave me an average looking house now, so I won't overly love my house anymore. 😁

I was very soft with my girls, too soft. I think most parents of girls are though. I had a horrible childhood and I wanted theirs to be comfortable and happy always. What I feared most was them having a bad childhood too. It seems to happen that what we fear the most, we bring about. Maybe that is because we think about it a lot. What you focus on is what will happen. 

I had a great fear that my daughters would get sexually molested and one did. I had a great fear that they would be raised in a broken home and now they are. 😣

Fear does not make us prevent bad things. Maybe it attracts bad things. 

The hard times were also due to generational curses. The Bible says the sins of the father will affect the family for several generations. It is possible that my girls were cursed due to my dad's sin. He was a sex addict. 😒 

I think those curses have ended now. That only applies to the non saved people. So all y'all, make sure you are saved. I am now fully saved. It has been a recent development. I am confident that my son will not be affected by any of my family's generational curses. Praise God! I believe that my second family try will go well, and that it will last forever. 😁

Choices

 This may sound odd but about 10 months ago God told me either I could start seeing my daughters every week, or I could be an artist. I chose to be an artist. That sounds messed up,  but that was my decision. 

What kind of artist? I was painting a ton at the time. Then I wrote about 10 books on great topics. Who knows what form of art I'll do next. I am working on a new book about my C Section. Maybe that one will be my number one best seller. It could happen. :)

I've always wanted to be a famous singer. I think that is still possible. Sometimes I like writing songs. 

Why did I have kids when I had so many dreams? I was willing to forget about my dreams for a season. I suppose every parent forgets their dreams for a long time, possibly forever. But having kids is worth it. What if you never could become famous? Then you are glad you didn't hang onto that dream forever. 

I hope my daughters are doing well. I pray for them every day. I hope someday they will both meet happy and kind Christian men that they will live with and be willing to love forever. 

If I ever see them again I would tell them, sorry I had to go live a separate life from your dad. He got to be too much for me to handle. His demonic possession was more than I could deal with. I hope your grandma kept you safe, even though you had to live with him. This world is crazy at times. Make a wise choice with the man you marry. I'm sorry that I didn't. And please don't become lesbian. 🙂 There are great guys out there. Just listen to your gut feeling about him. You will find a great guy eventually. I love you both very much. I will always cherish the sweet memories of when I was raising you both. 

Cages

 So many people put bunnies in a cage because they prefer to pet them instead of see them run. It is nice to pet them, but seeing them race around at 50 mph is a lot more entertaining. 

I was thinking how many of us choose to be locked in a cage rather than run like the wind. 

Maybe you have tons of potential but you keep yourself in a cage. Why do that? Get out of that cage. Find out what your awesome possibilities are. Set yourself free to race around the world. 

🏃 🌎😁😲🙂😀😁

A Time to Smile

 I have never had someone smile at me a lot. I have never had a guy that was totally smitten by me that he smiled a lot. I have never smiled a lot. That might be why. I have always been very serious, so everyone I came in contact with became serious around me. 

Finally I get to see someone smile a lot. My little baby loves to smile at me and laugh. It might be because we watch Comedy sometimes. He hears people laughing so he wants to laugh. It is adorable. 

I never heard my first two babies laugh. Maybe I just didn't believe they would and so they didn't. It was a very serious time back then. There wasn't much to smile or laugh about for any of us. 

Now things are happy and fun and carefree. Praise God for the happy life and the happy baby I have now. If you are around a baby, make them laugh. They can do it. :)

Pain Leads to Maturity

 "Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Am I more mature now after all my trails? Yes, a lot. 

What have my trials been? Terrible migraines, loosing my kids and a few exes, loosing my house, conflict with most people I have known, a hard C Section, gall stones, a few near death experiences, a horrible dad....

Was it all good or bad? God said he works all things for the good for those who love him. Those trials were not good at all, but God can work it all for my good. 

My ex died which was sad, but he was infertile. If he didn't die I never would have gotten to enjoy being a mother. Another ex left me, but that made it possible for me to inherit a free house. :)

God gives and he takes away. But still blessed be his name. He can do whatever he wants with our lives. We are here to serve him. If he needed to humble me through all those adversities, so be it. 

Our character is more important than things we have or people we know. If we need to be molded by our creator more, he should be able to do anything he needs to with us. 

Let God transform you through hard times. We learn the most in painful situations. 

Money and Vaccines

 I have wondered for a while now why on earth my mom would marry two child molesters in a row. I just had a thought. Essentially my dad cheated on my mom with me. I can't imagine how much that must have wrecked her self-esteem. Anytime someone gets cheated on, it makes you feel retarded. If it's a kid I'm sure the person feels even more retarded. It was probably from that need to have her insecurity go away that she decided to stick with my step-dad. She thought she couldn't do better. She knew he was accused of molesting his son by his ex-wife, but she chose to ignore it. He said it was a lie and she gullibly believed him. It was also the money he had that she wanted, and the love of money is the root of all evil. 

Any time you hear about some pop star selling their soul to Satan you wonder why? Why would someone do that? It's the money. Satan, or some career executive, flashes a ton of cash at them if they will do this, this and that and they cave in. What is your price? What amount will make you do anything other people want you to do?

I was faced with a bribe lately to do something I didn't feel was ok. It felt like a bribe to sell my soul to Satan for money. There is no price I can put on what I believe in to be good. No amount of money would make me change my mind on what is good. What happened was my bf's grandma tried to bribe me to get my son vaccinated. She offered me $700 if I would allow him to get shots. In the moment I felt very much that it was like cases when people sell their soul to Satan for money. I had never been bribed before like that. I said no of course. 

If you believe strongly about something, like I believe firmly that babies should not get vaccines, don't sell out for money. Don't give in just because that is what others want. Don't let people buy you out. Whatever you might buy with that money does not compare with having the peace that you did the right thing. 

Riches are temporary. Family is forever. Your faith is forever, or it should be. Stand your ground on things you believe in. It is worth the fight. 

Good and Terrible Dads

 I have only seen one really outstanding dad in my life time. It was my first serious bf Roger. He willingly drove 3 hours in total every week just to see his two kids. He was an amazing dad. 

My ex was and is a horrible dad. He doesn't care that our daughters never get to see me. That qualifies him as a terrible dad. When the family was still intact, almost all he did was watch porn in his room and neglect our kids and me. 😪😣 Or he stayed up really late playing a video game. That led to him missing a lot of sleep. This lack of sleep possibly was the source of him going insane. 

My dad was terrible since he had a fetish for kids. Same with my step-dad. 😠 Both of them were hard workers but had serious sexual issues. 

I wish dad's could try harder to be good dads, but it is rare to find a great one. 

If God has blessed you with kids, be a good parent. It's not that hard. 

My mom was lucky enough to have a Christian father. Was he a great father? It's hard to say. He was a good grandpa for me. For a while he basically was my dad, and I will always be grateful to him for filling that place of my father. 

My current man is a good dad. He is willing to work long hours to be a great provider. He is very gentle with our son. Good job Zach! 😀👏 

May God help all the dads of the world to try harder. The world would be much better if dad's would try a lot more to be good fathers. 

3 great movies y'all need to watch about being a good father...Mr. Mom, Daddy's Home and The Delivery Man. 😀👏 All of those are very well done movies. 

Women Have Lost

 I wrote a book about Feminism called Feminism Sucks. Look it up on Amazon. It is listed under Lisa Bedrick books. 

I was analyzing how most women have to decide between a career or raising kids. The issue in our modern world though is that women are doing both. So many women have abandoned the home and instead focus on making money. Then others don't respect them, and they don't respect themselves as much. It is like they are running away. They don't want to clean their house. They want to pay someone else to clean it. They don't want to raise their kids. They want a nanny or a daycare to raise their kids. No daycare worker will care about your kids as much as you do.  

Women are leaving their natural duties to chase money. What do they have in the end? They feel less in touch with their kids. Kids are now running wild because too many women are chasing money instead of bonding with their kids. 

Whatever you want to buy, is it really that important? Aren't your kids more important? 

We wonder why kids are so messed up these days. It is because their mothers have run away from them. They are home but not really home. Or they are just never home. 

Stay home women. Raise your kids yourself. No amount of money can replace the time with your kids. Before you know it, they will be gone. You will wish you would have focused on them more and not money. 

Men, step it up and provide well for your families. If you want your wife to do a great job raising the kids, then you have to do a great job providing for them. You can do it. I believe in you. 

May God bless you all. :)

Time or Money

Every woman wants both time and money from the man she is with. I used to think with my ex that if I didn't get his time, then I should get his money. You can't have a ton of both. You have to pick wanting more time or more money. 

I used to want mainly just time with my current man more than money. Now since having a baby, money seems to be more important, but now I feel like I hardly ever see him. I heard in a sermon once that after having kids every woman forgets her man and focuses on her kids. Every man tends to forget his woman and focus just on working hard. Kids do divide couples. This is why it can be harder to spend a lot of time as a couple before having kids. If you want kids, just have them, so you don't get too used to spending time with your mate. Things are very different after having kids. I remember before I got pregnant God told me, "He doesn't realize having a kid will mean he has to say goodbye to you." I didn't get what God meant. Working more hours is probably what he meant. Ironically my son's name James means "supplanter." To supplant means to replace something. I used to hang out with my man all day when he worked less hours. Now I hang out with baby James all day. 

Money has to be made though. Formula isn't cheap. Diapers get expensive. Although I found a good brand that isn't too pricey. Get Parent's Choice diapers if you have a baby. They are good enough quality and super cheap. 

I got used to having a lot of alone time with my man before having a baby too. He is on an anti-depressant which makes him think and feel like he needs 12 hours of sleep every night. So every morning for over a year now I have had lots of alone time, hence all my writing. I can only hope the books I wrote will help people. Hopefully the effort was well worth it. May God multiply my efforts. 

I can't sleep 12 hours. I am always up around 6 or 7am no matter what. It's too bad there isn't a home job I could do in the morning. I suppose this writing is my work. It is my volunteer work that God willing helps all you who read it. 

If you are frustrated over wanting both time and money from your mate, I understand. Try to figure out what you want more. If you want more time, then spends less money so they can work less. 

A Crazy Rescue

 I had a crazy dream last night about trying to go in and steal my two daughters. In my dream I was at my in law's house with my ex and my girls. Tons of other people were there too though. It turned into a movie like Mission Impossible. I was trying to take them away, but I got stopped and then people chased me for a long time trying to kill me. I suppose that is why I haven't tried to have shared custody. I would be tempted to just steal them away and who knows who would try hunting me after that. There is a movie like that kind of called Enough with Jennifer Lopez. 

It gets messy when you decide to have kids with someone. If things don't work out with the partner, then what? 

My mom took me away from my dad when I was 14. She wanted to live by her mom in CA again. I'm surprised she didn't take me away from him long before that. I remember driving away from his house with my mom and he was on his knees crying with my step-mom. There was nothing he could do. I didn't realize then that would be me someday. Maybe it was karma in a sense. I didn't care about leaving my dad and then my girls didn't care about leaving me. I'm sure they did a little, but I kept praying they wouldn't miss me too much, so maybe that prayer came true. 

You can't hold onto anyone in life forever. I thought I could with my mom, but once your parent marries your step-parent you basically lose them. I haven't had my mom since she married my step-dad. 

Hopefully my son and my current man will stay in my life forever. Pray for my man to not take too many pills. He is the kind of person that takes a pill for every kind of pain he has. I hope he doesn't give his body too much someday. Thanks for praying. :)

May God bless your relationships. May you get to keep one or two people forever, no matter what others try to do to you. God bless!

Stop Stressin

 You know that you can easily make a mountain out of a molehill. It is easy to do that. In our modern world we even got worried about buying toilet paper. It is crazy now. I started smoking because I got so stressed out. 

Things are never as bad as you think they will be. You can work it up in your mind and worry too much. Then the day comes that you were so worried about, and it's not that bad. 

I was worried the past 7 years really about what my next baby delivery would be like. God told me a few times, "What if I can promise your next delivery will be painless?" I was like, "Um how would that happen?"  I had a C Section. That is how that happened. Wish granted. :)

It is useless to torture yourself with worry about things that you don't know what will happen. You can assume what may happen, but you don't know for sure what will happen. 

To worry is arrogant. It is like saying you can predict the future. But you can't. You have no idea what might happen. Stop thinking you know what will happen. Just let things happen as they are meant to happen and let that worry go. 

Boys Have Fun

 Have you ever known a really fun woman? Probably not. That is because women just Want to have fun, but only boys Know how to have fun. Us women are so serious. Little girls are serious. If we are having fun, it is by trying to impress other people. That is what is fun for us. But it isn't really fun because we are hoping for a good job. Most of the time we don't get that, so it isn't fun anymore. 😪 So sad....

Men usually don't care about impressing others. They just have fun. They know how to relax. Women have a hard time relaxing. Even after I had C Section surgery, I had a hard time relaxing. There is always something to do. The grass needs to be watered. The floors need to be cleaned. The laundry needs to get done. We can never just be totally chilled out. 

I could have told them that in the hospital. They asked often why my blood pressure was so high. It is because I always think of things that need to get done. There is always something to do. Men only do a lot of things when women tell them to. 😁

My son is 2.5 months old now, and he smiles a ton. He is working on his laugh too. My two daughters almost never smiled or laughed as babies. It might be that I was overly serious back then though. When my oldest was a baby, I was always busy trying to publish books. I was organizing these blogs into books and publishing as many as I could. Other than that, I was just concerned with caring for her, but I didn't have fun with her. I didn't enjoy being a mom to her per say. 

When my second girl was a baby, we had a crazy bug issue. I was always worried about cleaning and trying to get rid of them. They were white fuzzball bugs that invaded any home we had and my car. It took me years to get rid of them. So I was always stressed out over that. I suppose the level of joy a mom has will be the level of joy her baby has. 

I think a woman's mood when she is pregnant also matters. I have heard it does anyways. I was pretty happy in this last pregnancy. My heartburn was annoying, but I kept thinking of fun book topics and writing everything about every hot topic I could think of. That was tons of fun. 

In my first two pregnancies I wasn't very happy. I found out my ex was talking to other girls online. In both pregnancies I was far away from my mom, which was sad. I didn't call people very much just to chat. This last pregnancy I called friends a lot. When my son was born, he was looking at me like, "I heard you talking a lot when I was on the inside of you, and now I can see you! Yay...."

He is so cute. We have a great friendship already. I hope my boy and I will be best friends forever. And I hope he will always have tons of fun. 

Flashbacks

When I met my bf Zach I asked if his birth name was Zachariah. It was Zachary. Close enough! My birth name was Elizabeth. In the Bible those two have a son, and they name him John. I told him, "Maybe if we have a son we will name him John like Elizabeth and Zachariah did." He liked that idea. That was like the second day we met up. I guess I was hoping we would have a son from the very beginning. 

But then I was thinking my baby would be a girl. I wanted to fully replace my two daughters. God asked me a few times though, "Do you want a boy so you have a different experience this time?" I said, "Ok that is fine." :)

It is better to have a son this time I think. It is nice that things are different. I feel more inclined to hug him. I don't know if it's because he is a boy or just that I am older and more loving now. It might also be that I am just happier now with my current man and our life. I have made our home very happy with cute home decor. We have a beautiful backyard that I have worked hard on. Everything I could ever want is here. Except a bike. I still want to find a great bike. 

I keep having PTSD though in regards to my baby. I keep being worried that things that happened to my first two girls will also happen to him. When Serenity, my first daughter, was about 2 she rolled off my bed. We were all playing, and the girls were playing hide and go seek under the blanket. Serenity started rolling and rolled right off the bed onto the hard wood floor. I hope that didn't affect her brain forever. Now I am overly cautious with having my baby boy on an adult bed, as I should be. 

Another time my second born, Joy, rolled off a changing table. Luckily it was onto carpeted floor. There was a bar on the side but she rolled right over the bar. Now I worry if my baby is ever on the changing table. Most kids don't do risky things like that but you never know. 

I plan to never get a scooter or a bike for my baby boy. When Serenity was 5 she fell off her scooter pretty hard. We were on a bike trail and she went down a hill on her scooter. I thought she could handle it, but she wasn't an Olympic athlete like I literally saw her as. She lost balance at the bottom of the long hill and fell on her forehead. That was probably the incident that broke our whole family up. Maybe I was mad at my ex and he was mad at me for not telling her to walk down that hill. 

It is hard to be a parent. One minute with them can change their entire life, and your entire life. She healed ok. I put ice on the bump on her head when we got home. But still, it was a very hard day for all of us. 

Another day, months before that, Joy fell off her bike. She teetered over and fell at the end of the driveway, because driveways have those retarded mini hills on the sides. The handle bar fell on her finger and her fingernail cut her finger kind of badly. We took her to the ER for stitches. That was probably the scariest day of my life. It was just her finger but still, I freaked out. 

So never again will I give a kid a scooter or a bike. I'm sure my boy could get hurt in other ways, but hopefully he won't. Maybe he will live a totally sheltered and perfect life. If he ever does get hurt, may God help me to handle it with peace. But mostly I just hope he will never get hurt. 

Step Parents Suck

 The meanest person I ever knew was my step mom. She pretty much was like the evil step mom in Cinderella. Don't let your kids ever have a step mom. It may work out for a little while. Eventually she will realize that kid is not her kid and she will want her own kid. 

Step families never work out very well. My step dad was terrible. I always suspected he was a bad guy, and he proved that he was. 

Kids should only be raised by their original parents or a single parent. An outside party should never help raise someone else's kids. They simply won't care about them very much. And the kid will never care about the step parent all that much. That is just how it is. 

Floss and Save

 As long as I floss every evening and save some money every week, I know I will stay happy. 

Most people have no idea how much flossing will help you. If you want to never see a dentist again it's possible. Just floss every night. And rinse after with mouthwash. ☺

If you never want to be a pawn for anyone, save money. Money is power. The more you have, the less others will be able to control you or manipulate you. 

You can go through life thinking a disaster will never happen, but it always can happen. 

Save any money you can. It makes you feel less anxiety, and you always have hope that you may have fun with it someday. 

I used to believe Christians weren't meant to save due to the verse, "Do not store up treasure on earth." In our modern time though, we all need to save a lot. You never know what can happen next week. Your faith should be in God more than your money, but God still likes for us to have money saved. He can use the money you saved to help you be more successful in life. 

AA

The AA in our family is asthma and allergies. Both I believe are side effects of our childhood vaccines. We both have terrible allergy problems and my bf has asthma. It really scares me sometimes because he gasps for air like a 90 year old man. 😣😪

Have you noticed? Only white people get asthma and allergies. My notion is that is because generally only white parents have the desire to vaccinate their kids. They think they are making their kids' life better, but in reality, they are inadvertently giving them asthma or allergies. 

I read a book a few years ago called "Crooked." It said if you look closely at anyone's face that was born around 1980 or later, their face is crooked. That may be caused by the higher amount of unnecessary vaccines that are given to kids now. The metals used as "preservatives" in the vaccines can and do seriously mess up your body. 😒

The age of vaccinating is getting younger too. Most of my vaccines were when I was in grade school. Now every single stupid vaccine is given in the first 2 years of life. Is that wise? When a child is the most fragile? 

If you know a baby, suggest that the parents wait until the kid is older to vaccinate. Also ask the doctor to give only one vaccine at a time. Most are grouped together now, which can be deadly. 

Never trust a doctor or scientist just because they appear to be smarter than you. Trust your instincts. Be wise with your body and your child's body. 

Child Abuse

 A big reason why I let my daughters go was to get them very far away from a man who sexually molested one of them. 

My step dad really let me down. 20 years I knew him, and I believed he was the most holy guy I had ever known. I looked up to him a lot. And then he shattered my faith in him. 

To this day I think he believes he did nothing wrong. My mom said it was just a "game." Of course, that's what those creepers always call it. 

Be careful who you let be around your kids. It is simply a fact of life that many men cannot control their sexual urges around children. I don't get why. I have never understood why God allows things like that to happen. The fact is things like that happen. Trust very few people to be around your kids. 

Time to Exercise

My Father's Day present to my man was to order roller blades. I am determined to get back in shape for him, and myself. :) The tricky thing about exercise is it makes you more hungry, but if you eat back all the calories you burn, you won't lose weight. I have been trying to not eat after 5pm. That only works some days. If I can pull off that rule and exercise, I'm sure I will get back in shape soon. 

I hope we will skate around the biggest park in our city two days a week. That is my work out plan. I have never loved gyms very much, because I am a germaphobe. Can you imagine how many germs are at a gym? I can just smell them when I go into one. 

So outdoor exercise will be great for our relationship! I roller skated today, and he rode his skateboard. I beat him lol. But roller blades are always faster than skateboards. It was super fun. At one point the sprinklers were on. It was a bit slippery, but I did not fall. Thank you God. :)

I tried the skate park there. I went down some ramps but ended up on my stomach in the grass. It was very sad. I didn't get hurt physically, but my pride was a bit hurt. It is tricky to be on roller blades. 

I started learning to roller blade when I was only 6. My brother used to pull me around with his bike. I remember falling a lot and skinning my knees. I was too cool to wear knee pads. I was determined to learn how to roller blade super well. 

I think I became interested in roller blading from the movie Free Willy. There is the movie scene where the kids are in a skate park, and it looked really cool to me. Today was my first time attempting to do a skate park. Usually I just stay on sidewalks. In California I went roller blading on the boardwalk next to the beach a lot. That was always a lot of fun. Here in Texas at least we have a super fun park to skate around. It was about 2 miles to skate around the entire park. I'll be in shape soon doing that twice a week. Woot!

What do you like to do for exercise? It is nice to do something every week. The more exercise I get, the better I feel. The endorphins are released and I feel on top of the world! Plus, it takes me back to my childhood when I played basketball a lot. I love that worn out feeling. It feels great! 

May God inspire you to exercise in some way. It is good for everything, your mind, body and soul. It will make you much happier, even if it hurts a bit while you are exercising. No pain, no gain right? Get out there and have some fun!

May God bless you all. :)

High Blood Pressure

 Back in the day a ton of women would die in child labor or after giving birth. I am very lucky that my baby and I survived. My blood pressure was the highest they had seen at the hospital. A doctor came to talk with me after the C Section. He said how my blood pressure was so high I could have died from a stroke or a heart attack. I just shrugged like what was I supposed to do about it. I ate mostly healthy in my pregnancy. Toward the end I had Sprite for a few weeks. I may have eaten too many hot dogs. Maybe those two things seriously messed up my body. My arms were hurting a lot. I think I developed arthritis in my arms from my hard work at Papa John's. They seemed to have a flare up when I was pregnant.  A flare up is a good term because they felt on fire. 

I also possibly wrote too many books last winter and that worsened my arthritis. It is a miracle that I didn't die in my last pregnancy from high blood pressure. In the hospital they asked me, "Are you in pain or are you tired?" I said, "I'm always in pain, and I'm always tired." I think almost my entire life I have always had pain somewhere in my body, and I have always been tired. I think everyone is tired all the time or else why do people live on soda or coffee? It seems that my neck or my back or my feet always hurt. That is because I always work hard cleaning or doing some fun project. Such is life. 

One thing that may have caused my blood pressure to go up is that I literally prayed to die while I was pregnant. That was the first time in my life that I prayed that. I am sure a lot of women have done that. You get tired of peeing 10 times every night and the extremely painful heartburn. It is very hard to get out of bed toward the end. It was winter most of my pregnancy, so the grass was brown, and the house was cold and that made me sad. I missed my two daughters a lot. I am so grateful now that they are mostly replaced by my son, but it was hard to not have my daughters the past 4 years. That is not normal, and it was very difficult. 

Hopefully my life will be happy from here on out. Hopefully I will be glad to be alive every day, and I will be more grateful for all that I have, rather then focused on what I lost. May God help me to stay strong and healthy the rest of my life. 

Nurses

 After a woman has a baby, either naturally or a C Section, a nurse comes in her room and pushes hard on her abdomen like 10 times. They don't explain why the heck they are doing it. I swear they leave the room smiling after torturing you. It is supposedly to force the uterus to go back to normal. Why not let it contract naturally when it wants to? 

This is why women still look pregnant after having a baby. The uterus is still pushed out. It's like the nurses could say, "We have to push that stomach back tight so your man will stay with you." I should have said, "Well that is plastic surgery that I did not ask for." Mainly with the nurses who did that to me I wanted to say, "Good Lord! Do you want my stitches to rip open?" They need to be more gentle. And smarter.  Ah nurses....

They also drew my blood every day in the hospital. I asked, "Why do you need to keep drawing my blood?" They said, "We have to figure out why your blood pressure isn't going down after giving you all this medication." I wanted to say, "Because it doesn't work." 😒

Of course my blood pressure probably also stayed high because they kept drawing my blood and pushing hard on my stomach.

 Hospitals are not easy. Every 20 minutes someone is in your room to talk to you about something. I told the nurses one time, "Maybe if you guys would let me take a nap, my blood pressure would get better."

In my second delivery I had a snotty nurse. She told me I wasn't actually in labor, even though I knew for a fact I was. She said I could either go back home or let them inject Pictocin into me. That speeds up the labor. I chose the Pictocin and my baby Joy came out one hour later. But she was blue and the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. 😳😫 Did that affect her later in life? I always saw her as very smart. She was talking well even before her older sister, for the most part. I don't think that fiasco made her less smart, but still I was always kind of mad that it happened. All because some snotty nurse could not be patient with my labor process. 😪

One time a nurse was drawing my blood and handed me a vial of my blood while she tried to get more out. That freaked me out. I had asked them to run tests because I kept throwing up. It turned out it was just from stress. I was in college then. It may have also been my gall bladder dying, but they couldn't see that from just blood tests. 

Another time I got my blood drawn, because my mom made me, which I resented. I was about 16. My arm got severely bruised due to the nurse fishing around for my veins. Just thinking of it now gives me chills. 

Nurses, be nicer. I am sure your job is hard, but put yourself in the mindset and feelings of your patient. "Do to others as you would have them do to you."

And for all my fellow tortured victims, hang in there. This too shall pass. The nurses will let you be at peace eventually. Just eat healthy so they can't hurt you anymore. 

Doctors

 I saw a great quote on Facebook a while ago. It said, "Doctors are the same are robbers. They both cut you open and take all your money." :)

A ton of people worship doctors. As in they pretty much put doctors in the place of God. :( Why? The reason is because at some point either they or their child was in serious need of having their life saved, and a doctor saved their life. From then on, without realizing it, they decided to worship doctors. 

Doctors have saved my life a few times. Once I fell off my bike on my face when I was about 6. It was a very hard fall. :( My face was covered in blood. If doctors did not stitch my gums up, I most likely would have bled to death. 

Another time when I was 12 my appendix got infected and it exploded. Doctors saved my life and cleaned up my insides from all the appendix poison. On a side note though, I have wondered lately if that happened after my multiple Hep B vaccines right before that. I remember thinking even as a kid, "Why do I need this shot multiple times? That seems shady." 

Then a few years ago I had gall stones. Doctors again saved my life by taking out my gall bladder. If they hadn't done that, I probably would have died. 

After all that, do I choose to worship doctors? No. I am grateful for them. But I will never worship them. I only worship God. God saved me through those doctors. It wasn't just the doctors that saved me. God does miracles today through healthcare. 

The problem though is that God allows Satan also to work through healthcare. I had an ex a while ago who told me, "Doctors don't want you to get well. They want you to stay sick so they can make more money off of you." He ironically died due to doctors. He was prescribed one too many pills and it was just too much for his body to handle. He was on an anti-depressant called Klonopin, Cialis to fix the side effects of the Klonopin, Testosterone shots, and the day he died, a random clinic doctor gave him anti-biotics. He was just sneezing a lot that day. That was his only symptom. :( That night he went out drinking and he died. It wasn't just the drinking that killed him. It was drinking and having way too many pills in his body. None of the doctors made it super clear that drinking in addition to all those pills could be deadly. Maybe back then, 10 years ago, they just didn't know. Some people don't care. They take pills and drink as if they want to die. In that case, it isn't just the doctors who are to blame, obviously. 

Overall, are doctors to be worshipped? No of course not. They are not God. They may act like they are. They may want you to believe everything they say without questioning it. But you can be smart too. Maybe you didn't go to 12 years of college, but you can be just as wise as them if you want to be. Just do the research on what you need to research so you can be wise too. 

Don't ever worship doctors. Only worship God. 

Paranoia

 Here is how you can not be paranoid. You need to decide that no matter what happens to you, you will be ok. You might get paranoid about loosing people you know. What good does that do? The more you worry, the worse things seem. Also, and this is insane, your worry might cause the thing you are worried about. You attract negative things when you worry. 

 Usually things are never as bad as we assume they will be. Decide to never worry about things, because what is the point? Just believe all things will go well for you and they will. 😁

Vaccines are Evil

 I debated with my ex and his mom for about a year about vaccines. I would get him on my side and then she would drag him back over to her side. Finally I lost the war and I let my ex's mom have my girls. I gave them up, because I got worn out trying to protect them from vaccines. My ex mother in law vaccinated my girls against my will, and I wish I knew how it affected their mental health. I have not seen them since they were vaccinated, and in a small way, I am scared to. I wonder if the vaccines gave them both Autism. In my generation most of the boys ended up with ADD, and I have always suspected if that was from the vaccines. Now because more shots are required for children, a lot of children become autistic. Most people just don't hear about it, because those families are paid to keep quiet. 

After my first family debated about vaccines, it seemed like the entire world debated about vaccines. I was scared America would end up in a literal civil war over the Covid vaccine. Thank God we didn't. Thank God we all still like each other whether we got vaccinated or chose not to. 

The main issue with vaccines is that you don't know who will have an "allergic reaction" to them until they do. You do not realize they are bad until it is too late. Although many parents, and people, heard that still small voice in their head telling them not to get a vaccine, to not allow a doctor to inject their child. They ignore the voice, and then they or their child has to face major health issues as a result. 

Now I am in another debate with a new in law about vaccines. If only she would do the research, she would see they are evil. But she is a lemming just like most people are. She believes they are beneficial simply because she has heard they are. No second guessing. No praying about it. All she knows is that she thinks doctors are to be worshipped and normal people know pretty much nothing. That is her crazy belief system. 

Ah...may God help all the overly compliant people in the world. Those who refuse to think for themselves. Make up your own mind people. What do you know to be true in your spirit? What is God saying to you about vaccines? Follow that. Not what you believe you should do. Only do what you know God tells you to do. 

A Big Project

 Ever since I moved into my home over a year ago, I have had the goal to get grass all over the front and backyard. It literally is taking me more than a year. I live in a desert so it's hard to get anything to grow here. Most yards in this city are just dirt or half dirt. 

I remember before I moved in here, I was in an apartment across the street. I used to look over at this street all the time. There was one house with super green grass. I always wondered how they kept their grass that green. Literally the grass was greener on the other side. It made me start dreaming about living in one of these houses. I had thought of renting one but figured I couldn't afford that on my own. Then I met my sweetie. In our first conversation he said, "I have a house over by where you live." I was thinking, "How can he have a house? He is only 30." He is part of a blessed family that I get to be a part of now too. The least I could do is help them get more grass.  

Hopefully soon I'll get wonderful green grass everywhere here. It will be very exciting if it happens. 

Romeo and Juliet

 I named two of my bunnies Romeo and Juliet. Romeo was just at my door. If he could talk he may have said, "Where is my Juliet? I am ready to mate with her." Sadly she died two days ago. I was shocked. But my cat likes to try hunting the bunnies I guess. Cats will be cats. I can only hope no more bunnies will die. This is why people keep bunnies in cages, but that seems worse to me. 

Is it better to live your life in a cage or to run free and risk dying? I think we all think about that sometimes. Do you stay sheltered and protected, or do you explore and live life to the fullest? 

I had a bunny a year ago that I kept in a cage, but it still died. Maybe it didn't drink enough water. 

If you stay in the cage, you might die anyways, so why not be free and live all the life you can live? :)

Walker Hayes

 I have been researching the life of Walker Hayes. He had 6 kids with his wife. His song "Fancy Like" was number one on the country hit list the last few years. He is Christian. It seems he had a drinking problem. That is probably what caused his song, "You Broke Up with Me." 

Men, don't drink in excess. If you want to stay with your mate, keep your drinking in moderation. I am amazed though that he gave this woman 6 kids and still she broke up with him. I guess she was planning on getting alimony from him, so she felt ok with doing that, but that still seems crazy. It must have been a really bad drinking issue that he had. But in defense of him, it was probably because he had 6 kids to provide for. 

Don't have 6 kids. One kid is really all that is needed to feel like you have a family. There is no reason, in our modern society, to have more than one kid. Procreate wisely. And drink wisely. :) 

God bless!

Career Goals

 When I was young, my ideal career was to train dolphins at Sea World. I went there a few times in San Diego as a child and I found it to be amazing. I wanted to run those shows and make all those people happy. I started out majoring in Biology in college to accomplish that goal, but then decided to switch to English. I figured my writing skill might take me places, so English was the major to do. 

I considered becoming a lawyer. I still think that might be possible. I love to debate. I was in a debate club in high school called MUN. I had a lot of fun in that program. We did a mock trial in my Civics class. I had tons of fun pretending to be a lawyer. 

I also wanted to become a college professor. That might be the more likely thing for me to do someday. I just have to get a Masters. Or I might teach in a private school someday. 4th grade would be ideal for me I think. That is the best age. The kids are adult like but still very kid like too. They are still nice. After 5th grade I don't know what happens to kids, but they all get an ego. They start to think they could run the entire planet. You always hear jokes about how hard it is to raise teens. I'm sure it is. 

If I was a man, I would have become a pastor. But overall now I think that is a silly job. They only work one hour a week. Some pastors actually visit people in their home or in hospitals, but most do not. They just work one hour a week. Not fair.....

I have had a dream lately of running a franchise. The movie Meet Bill got me thinking more about that. I had considered a Papa John's franchise or a restaurant. I always used to say when I made something tasty, "When I open my own restaurant, I will cook this for everyone." 

I also want to run a Bed and Breakfast on a beach somewhere. That would be so great!

Who knows what my little family and I will do someday. I have many dreams. For now I am happy at my home with my hot man, my baby boy and my 14 pets. :) I have everything that I want for now. Praise God. 

Don't Compromise

 In life often times, others might like to try controlling you. Don't let them. You can listen to their advice, but others should not be able to dictate your every move. Some people like to get on power trips where they try to control everyone and everything around them. That is not good. Such people need a hobby to entertain themselves. A hobby other than trying to control other people. 😁

In the pairing of addicts and co-dependents this is usually the issue. Everyone always says it's just the addict that has the problem. No it is also the co-dependent. They are trying to control the addict. The more they try to control them, the more the addict wants to rebel. I remember as a kid, the more my mom grounded me, the more I snuck out at night. 😁 Ultimately no one can control anyone else. We can influence others, but not control them. 

Give freedom to those in your life. "Where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom." The more control you try to exert over others, the more they will lash back or want to run away. The flight or fight response can be triggered. If you want to maintain a calm and peaceful relationship with those you know, give them freedom to be who they want to be and do what they want to do. 

Getting a Son

 All men want a son. For some sad reason, men never seem to want a girl. Maybe they feel girls have less value. A son might go to work someday and bring the family more money. Girls can do that too though, just want to point that out. :)  Girls can make just as much as men if they are determined to do so. 

Why does God allow only some men to have a son? The more capable a man is of being a great leader, the more likely that God will give him a son. To have a son is a big compliment from God. It is God's reward to good men who are honest and kind and have great morals. God does not want boys to imitate bad men. Therefore only good men get to have sons. 

 It is odd to me that my dad got to have a son. I don't get why. I know he had tons of potential at first to be a strong leader and a godly role model. But then Satan invaded his mind and he fell down hard due to sexual sins. Great men often fall, because the world hates strong men. Why do they? Because they are jealous of strong men. 

Only the lucky few men are blessed with having a son. If you want a son, always be the kind of man that God wants to bless with a boy. Always maintain a strong, hard work ethic so you can show your son how to work hard. Honor and submit to God so that you can teach your son how to submit to God. Be the kind of man that our future generation should want to imitate. 😁

CPS Drama

I think it's possible my ex called CPS on me to mess up my current family. I don't know for sure. It may have been a separate thing. But something tells me it was related to him and his evil mother. I hope my two daughters will not turn out to be anything like that woman. 

My ex had always wanted a son. I just had a son finally, with my new mate. :) I posted pics on Twitter when I was still in the hospital about him being born. The next morning, a lady from CPS visited my room to talk about "accusations." She did ask me if I had other kids and why I didn't have them in my custody. Later we had a family meeting with them with my current family. They asked me a lot of questions about my daughters. I simply said my ex was difficult, and that is why I don't see my daughters. 

I suppose it seems odd to any woman for a mom to not see her kids. Usually the absent mom is on drugs in such cases. I have never done serious drugs. I used to think working at Papa John's was my drug, and workaholism can be a drug. I simply have not seen them for a long time because I don't want to see my ex or his mom. I don't care for either of them anymore. I don't care to see them. 

I am a bit grateful to them for caring for my girls, but mostly I hate it that they stole them from me and have never said sorry. My ex mother in law stopped talking to my mom about a year ago for no reason. So now we are all in the dark as to how they are doing, and they don't seem to care at all. They are the most heartless and godless family I have ever known. I hate that they are raising my daughters now, but I have no control over that. Someday I may get a lawyer and try to get my girls back but not now. I hope my daughters are doing ok and are healthy. And I hope my ex and his mother fully realize how Lucky they are to get to care for them. They better never take caring for my girls for granted. 

Family Demise

 In most cases of divorce, the man leaves his wife and kids to go off and start a new family. I was watching Hope Floats again the other day. That is what happens in that movie. It usually is because the mom became too common. She stopped making herself look pretty. No matter how much a man loves a woman, he still wants her to look nice for him. The reverse is true too. Men, keep yourself looking hot for your wife. You can do it. :) Maybe the kids stress out the mom so she turns mean and grumpy. I used to always call my ex grumpy bear. He was more the one who got seriously grumpy after kids entered his life. I think he always hated how much he had to work, but that is what men with kids are meant to do. If you don't want to work hard, don't have kids. 

I suppose family break ups also happen when both parents didn't totally want the kids. With my ex, he didn't really want kids. He said he did, just to get me probably, but he didn't seem to really want them. That was always an issue for us. I felt like a single mom the whole time I was married to him. He was just working and sleeping. I had to force him to interact with our girls. He was distraught over them being girls and not boys. What was the icing on the cake was when he told me he was watching porn. It then dawned on me, he was probably neglecting us for hours and just watching porn in his room. How can you keep a marriage going after knowing that? Some can make it through things like that but it's rare. My current bf kind of neglects me and our son, but it's to take care of his grandma. That is a much more noble reason. 

Don't watch porn. It will mess up your marriage. If you want to watch porn, don't desire to be married. That is disrespectful to whoever you are with. It is saying to them that you would rather look at those bodies all day instead of your mate's body. And maybe you would, but that doesn't mean you should. The more you watch porn, the less satisfied you will be with your mate or with the sex life you two have. 

I still have anger at my ex for doing that and keeping it secret for 7 years. I thought he was some great Christian guy. Just know ladies, no matter how good your man thinks he is or says he is, he might not be. Don't be an idiot and blindly trust him. I feel like an idiot for trusting my ex for 7 years. 

When families break up, the adult leaving the kids isn't leaving the kids, he or she is leaving the mate. If the kids have to be ignored in order to ignore the ex, then that has to be done. I don't know how some divorced couples still talk "for the kids." If you don't like them enough to be married to them, don't talk to them. That's just weird. No one should talk to exes. It makes no sense. 

Let the past go and let yourself be happy in your current life. Hopefully your past won't mess up your present. 

Family Challenges

 When my brother was 19 he got his gf pregnant. They broke up. He didn't know he had a son until after his son was born. He tried shared custody but his ex was difficult. He then moved back to CA to be with my mom and I. From age 2 to 7 he didn't see his son. Then my grandpa told him to go back to NE and be a father to his son. I cried a ton when he left CA, but I was proud of him for forcing his ex to let him be a father to his son. 

Now I am about to go 5 years without seeing my kids. I realized recently God gives us all 2 parents so we will always have at least 1. I lost my dad at age 14. I felt like 14 to 18, when I just had my mom, was the best time of my life. I can only hope my daughters are having the best time of their lives. It can be a lot better to just have 1 parent rather than 2. 

Kids do tend to break couples up. I remember when my oldest was little, she would push my ex and I apart when we would hug. So we just stopped hugging. And that was the beginning of our great divide. 

If you are a grandma, it helps a lot to watch the kids so the parents can have couple time. Kids are great, but they tend to divide their parents. I am surprised that any families stay together. May God help all the families to not get torn apart. And keep hugging your mate, even if your kids seem to not like it. 😀

 

Substitutions

 Here is my observation on my current group of friends, Zach is the new Ben, Grandma Mary is the new Serenity, Margie is the new Joy and James is the new grandma Wanda. They are both an Aries sign. ☺

I kept thinking of Ben's name when I thought of Zach because I finally love someone as much as I loved Ben. It took 4 years to find a sufficient replacement, but God helped me find Zach finally. Praise God. 😁

Mary is Zach's grandma. She is just as strong in personality as Serenity was. Both were natural born leaders, fearless, confident, and have a strong desire to be helpful. 

Margie is Zach's mom. She has a calm and friendly personality just like my youngest girl Joy. Both are super sweet and loving. I miss Joy. But at least now I have Margie to somewhat replace her. 

James, my son reminds me a lot of my grandma. It is like her spirit is in him. He always knows what he wants, like she did. You can tell he is very smart. From day 1 he was listening to me closely. I know someday he will be the leader of his family like my grandma always was for us. 

People exit your life for many reasons, but God will replace them eventually. :)

Death

 I had to deal with a bunny dying a few days ago. I was quite shaken up over it. It was the third time I have had a bunny die. Each time I figured it was my cat or another cat that scared it and gave it a heart attack. Poor little bunny. Or they could not find the water. Or they didn't realize how much water they needed to drink in the Texas heat. I let my bunnies run free in my backyard. I think it's mean to shut them up in a cage. But then they have to make sure and drink lots of water. The more they run around, the more water they need. 

Anyways, I still have 5. I had gotten 6. My plan is to breed them and sell the babies for $50 each. It couldn't hurt to have some more cash coming in. I just hope the babies will make it. I have a cat and 3 kittens also. The mom bunny will need to hide the babies really well so the cats won't find them. Maybe she won't eat them and she will realize they are pets. I give her wet cat food twice a day so that might prevent her from eating any adult or baby bunnies. I could give her away, but there are neighbor cats who come in our backyard too. One of them is so funny. He looks super scared every time he is back there, like he thinks I might shoot him for coming onto my property. I think he is friends with my girl cat. He seems to be a step dad to the kittens too. Their dad was a black cat. I think its owners moved away recently so he is gone too. Another black dad abandoning his kids. :(

The only other animal I had die was my rat named Ratty when I was little. I buried him in our front yard. That was sad. There is nothing more creepy then realizing an animal is stiff and dead. I have never seen a dead person, praise God for that. I had an ex die but it wasn't at our apartment. He died at his friend's house on his couch from drinking too much. I can only imagine how traumatizing that must have been for his friend to discover his stiff body in the morning. He shouldn't have pressured him to go to the bar the night before. I had helped my ex quit drinking for a year. Then that stupid "friend" convinced him to go to a bar one night and he died. Bars are evil. Don't go to them. 

I have not talked to my two daughters in over 3 years. Partly because I wanted to move on from my past and because my ex is difficult. One friend said that seems suspicious though, like my ex is trying to hide something. I keep wondering if they are both dead now. I know my ex's family was all about vaccines. They took my oldest to get 5 shots in one day, almost like they wanted her to die. If you don't care about a kid, by all mean give them as many shots and meds as you want. If you want them to stay alive, keep their body clean of any man-made substances. 

Life is so fragile. When my ex died I realized that could happen to me at any time. He was only 34 when he died. I realized that I wanted to accomplish a lot before I died and got started doing it. I started this blog, and then published tons of books. By now it has been about 30 books. Not to brag but I am glad I finished that goal. I just wanted to publish at least one book before I died. 

My only other goal before I die is to do a cruise around South America. That may be possible soon. I think that would be the most fun thing I will have ever done in my life. Can't wait! I also have an ongoing dream of living in Northern CA. I got to do a class at Berkeley one summer. We went hiking all over that area, and it was so pretty. I hope to live around there someday with my new little family. I actually had a great dream last night that I was moving back to CA. 

Whatever you want to do before you die, get it done. Don't put it off for too long. You never know how much more time you could have left. 

Expectations

I realized recently that my mom never said to me, "When are you going to give me grandkids?" You always see that in movies. I think it was after my dad sexually molested me that she gave up any dream of a perfect family being possible. Her parents were mostly happy. They stayed married for 65 years, but they fought a lot. My grandpa was abusive to the kids. Maybe my mom had wanted a very different life for me. She wasn't waiting to marry me off like all the moms in Jane Austen novels. She wanted me to go to college and finish maybe so I could run my own life. I think she wanted me to never be dependent on a man. But I still have been, and it has been a fun ride. 

In high school and college my grandma would always ask me, "Do you have a boyfriend." I would say, "No." She would say, "Good, keep it that way." I think she wanted me to avoid marriage if I could. 

I realized a while ago that I have never seen a truly happy marriage. My grandparents seemed happy on the outside, but I knew they were not. My mom and dad seemed happy, but if they were, why did he molest me? My mom and step-dad never seemed happy. I always saw them as just roommates living together. There was not much love between them. 

A lot of couples resign to that though, just being roommates. The passion fades. The enamor you may have felt goes away after they say or do a few dumb things. The love cools off. You stay friends, but there is less excitement the longer you are with them. You no longer stare at them while they sleep. You aren't dying for them to come home like you used to. But who can sustain that kind of infatuation for long? It can feel like idolatry, which I think is why it fades for most couples. They feel maybe that is wrong to be that obsessed with another person. 

We all have expectations for love and marriage and raising children, but eventually we change our expectations to be more realistic. The reason people get mad about anything is because they are not willing to change their expectations. What do you deserve? What do they deserve? It is nice to do the best you can, but that is all you can do. That is all they can do. 

Motherhood is often something girls dream about. We grow up thinking, "I'll be the perfect mom someday." But there is no perfect mom. It is not possible to be perfect. We do the best we can. I felt very disappointed in myself for not giving my current child more breast milk. I tried nursing a few times. I think he was just too weak because he was a primi. I tried pumping a lot. It was a very slow process. Usually I felt I needed sleep more then I needed to pump myself. But then I felt guilty for not giving him more breast milk. I felt God tell me a few times to let myself off the hook for that. 

It is so hard to care for your man and your child and yourself, but it's important to figure out how to do that. Women often only think of the needs of others, and we tend to neglect ourselves. That is one reason I allow myself to buy a few fun things every week that will make me happy. I think all mothers needs to do that, so they can still get things they want too. Food doesn't really make me happy, but solar powered lights do. :) If you give and give and give, eventually you will burn out. It is good to reward yourself in some way for all that you do. 

Don't worry too much if you don't do everything you were hoping to do as a mother. It takes time to become a great mom. We all struggle in various ways. We need help. Accept the help that others try to give you. Give yourself breaks to relax. Try to still get outside. Get a stroller to take your baby outside. Remember that you are doing the best you can and be kind to yourself. Positive self talk will make your days go a lot better. 

My Horrible C Section

About two years ago I hit a deer with my car while on a pizza delivery. It messed up my car so much that it was barely working. The breaks got really messed up. I asked God why he let that happen to me. He said it was so I would be ready to start a family again. I wasn't ready then. I had to endure a bit more work drama and another demeaning boss before I was ready. 

All women have to decide how they will contribute to society. Some do it with having children. Others do it with having a great career that they feel happy doing. I have done almost every job out there. I have seen the world, which I wanted to do before having kids. There is nothing else I wanted to accomplish. So I was ready for family number two to begin. 

I resented a few times that I had to start at square one again. My ex refused to work things out with me. He refused to let me see my first two daughters. So I had to start over. I have realized lately though that he and I never really loved each other. He was not capable of love, for whatever reason. I therefore did not love him because I knew he did not love me. 

I think as you get older you become more capable of love. When you are young, you don't know what love is. You think love is just passion, but it is generosity and humility. It is forgetting about yourself and putting the other person first. It is never wanting to hurt them in any way. It took me 35 years to figure out love. I suppose some never figure it out. 

Family number 2 began in a very difficult way. I had a C Section 2 months ago. It was the hardest week of my life. It all started when my mother in law came over and noticed I looked off. She took my blood pressure and it was very high. She suggested that I go to the hospital. Luckily I was mentally prepared for this. I had been reading about presclampsia and realized that I might have that. My pee had foam in it for awhile, and I realized that probably was not normal. I read that babies can be and should be delivered early in such situations. But I was worried my baby would be in the ICU for awhile. Praise God he came out healthy. He was about 2 weeks early, but he was ok. At first they tried to induce my labor. That wasn't working, so 12 hours after they tried that I had a C section done. I guess before the C Section I said to the nurses, "Can we just get this over with?" So they did. It all seemed like a dream, but it was real. At that point I had been infused with God knows how many drugs. I was not myself. I kept trying to get off my hospital bed before the C Section, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me. He had a very firm look on his face as if to say, "No we are doing this." I'm sure my instincts kicked in and I was thinking, "Why am about to let them cut me open? That is crazy." So I was trying to escape. 

But it happened. I had the C Section. The pain was quite annoying afterwards. I had a hard time getting up to pee and walking arond. I was walking like a turtle, which is funny because now I have 5 pet turtles. I wish I could say to them, "I was just like you a little bit ago." I survived though. That is all that matters. They put me on a ton of blood pressure medication that caused me to hallucinate a bit. They were all silly halluciations like worm people falling over each other. I don't recommend that anyone takes that. It really is just acid, I think anyways. Like acid off the street. It did not help my bloood pressure at all. What did help was getting home and sleeping more and eating good foods. God kept telling me to drink lots of juice, so I have been doing that for 2 months now. I just live off of juice, and yogurt and salads. That is how I got my blood pressure back to normal. 

I never thought I would have a C Section. Ever since I started my period at 12 I have been horribly afraid of getting pregnant and having a C Section. But I did it. I overcame, and I am very proud of myself for surviving all that. If you ever need a C Section, I promise you too will be ok. Just believe that you will be ok and you will be.