James

 I met a new James. My son is James. I worked with a James. Today I met a new one. Kind of want to see him now and ask him to go for a walk. But my feet hurt from work so idk. I probably could work a split shift like work 9 to 1 and then 4 to 7. It could work. 

Should I hang out with James? He is just next door. He has the label of schizophrenia like me. It might just be the Holy Spirit talking to both of us. He seemed very nice and calm. 

He got in fights with his sisters though.  So sad. I had some fights with my brother. That is why I am in a group home. And I can't make a dating set up work. I have to heal from my baggage first perhaps. If I could go back in time I would have never yelled at my brother. And why did I? He wasn't always nice to me. That was why. He never mentioned rent when I was in Texas so that's why I came up here. Thought I could relax at his place for awhile and I did. But he was mad I wasn't paying him rent. I thought I was advising our president the whole time. I even thought he said I could go ahead and be president. Maybe someday.... My dad always said I would be the first female president. Pray for me. I have no idea how that will happen but it could. 

Vote Lisa Davis for president at some point in the future. :) After I make a ton at BK probably. 

May God bless you!

Hope

 I hope some new guy will be better than Zach. I hope I'll stay strong with BK. I hope I get glasses and a bike today. I hope my house mate will find a path to happiness.  I hope for world peace. May all people just eat when hungry. No need to be hangry. 

Poems

Food 

Do you eat to live or live to eat? 

Not many entrees can beat 

Any burger from Burger King 

Their food makes me sing 

The iced coffee is so great 

To drink it is my fate 

Since I plan to work every week 

There is nothing else to seek

It will get me to the peak 

Of my life 

Sex 

Is it ever wise to have sex? 

Seems like it only gets us vexed 

Later you regret it 

If they run away 

They get shy and say 

You are not the one for me

"Go climb a tree" 

We want to say 

But look forward to the day 

When love could be here to stay 

Dating 

It is a time of waiting 

Often with self you're debating 

Is he a really great guy? 

Will he make me fly?

It's sad if you never try 

Get your feet wet today 

Go out with him and play 

Think of happy things to say 

And have fun! 

2 Jobs

 If a person works for more than 4 hours a day are they wise or not wise? They don't have time for fun. That is sad. 

Hm......if they have a beautiful place to live it is wise. But is it better to live in an average place and work less? The more pain you cause your body the more you might regret it later. 

"It is in vain that you rise early and stay up late for God grants his children rest." 

But the Proverbs 31 woman rises while it is still dark. Hm....

Jesus said, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." Busy stands for burried under Satan's yoke. Don't get buried alive. Some work is good. But too much work will make you go insane. I saw that happen with my ex. Although he went more crazy when he wasn't working. Work part time at least I say. All humans should be working part time. If you can handle more work then good job. Give yourself a high five. :)

Talking to Gods

 Work hard. Play hard. Pray hard. 

Someday you will regret not working harder now. You might regret not taking more time to play and have fun. You will regret not praying more. Keep that connection with God strong. After all in eternity he will be your closest friend. Or hopefully he will be. Don't let it happen that Jesus says, "I never knew you." 

I started talking to the Holy Spirit 8 years ago when I got tongues. 

Jesus I started talking to 3 years ago after my son was born. 

God the Father recently I began talking to in the last year. 

And Satan in the last year also. Why talk to Satan? Keep your friends but your enemies closer right? 

You can talk to anyone you want to. Has my life gotten more crazy the more gods I talk to? Yes. I recommend you just talk to Jesus but you decide. :)

And I thought I was talking to aliens for awhile also. That was interesting. 

Feel free to write out what you would say to each of those entities. :)

God bless! 

Sad Things

 2 guys ghosted me after a date. I wonder if no one is actually single on dating apps. 

I keep having dreams about all 3 of my kids and my brother. I could have sworn awhile ago that my brother is a god of some kind. Maybe he gave me that dream but why? 

Good things, I have yummy foods to eat. I have a stable and happy job again. I have a room all to myself. My X page is getting more views woot!

Ex

 My ex wanted me to work 2 jobs while he worked none. And his dog was pretty annoying. Why does anyone have pets inside? Because they are friends I know. Social media and dating apps are better than pets inside. Although I was super happy when I had 6 kittens and I let them come inside when it was really hot out. They were adorable.  

I do so much wish to repeat what I had 3 years ago. I was so happy. Kittens, my baby boy, being allowed to spend 300 a week online, a hot man to cuddle with. It was heaven on earth really. It was a lot to take care of though. Now I just take care of myself which is nice. I kind of want a man to take care of me again but only if he really wants to. 

Please all pray Zach will forgive me. I don't know what he is still mad about. 2 years now he's been mad at me and giving me the silent treatment.  But why? 

My Dream

 My biggest dream is to marry a rich guy, like Elon Musk or Pastor Mike, and get custody of my son again. I could become rich again myself but that will take me awhile. Slow and steady wins the race. I plan to keep my job at BK for a long time. I'll make about 1k a month. If I mainly eat toast and apples I can save a lot. Then I could repeat what I did for my girls. Get an apartment in the city where my son is in TX. This time it should be easier to get shared custody of him. 

With my daughters as soon as I said my ex's mom could have them she stopped talking to me. So then I never could work out shared custody with her. Haven't talked to her in years. My ex kept chatting with me for awhile but eventually he went quiet too. For all I know all of them might be dead. They are acting like they are. 

My plan B is start a new family again with a new guy. It's very hard to find a good situation for that. Most guys are dependent on parents or they have kids already and don't want more. So sad.....

What to do? 🤔 Pray for me! Thx!

Nice Bosses

 Is it a compliment that my boss doesn't want me there all weekend? I feel a bit insulted but oh well. Like he feels I am not able to do it. I told him that yesterday I only needed help one time. Maybe it was more than once though. I'll just rest all weekend then. Maybe look for a second job. I could see myself applying at a gas station. The walk is half as far there. It could be good. I could do mornings at BK snd evenings at the gas station. Burgers for lunch and making fried chicken for dinner. :) Maybe....pray for me for wisdom on that. 

Supposedly to get social security/disability I can only work 20 hours a week but maybe not. 

2 jobs could be fun. More food, more money and more friends. Maybe more body pain but no pain no gain. Yes work kills my feet but oh well. Maybe I need better shoes. Hm....new balance shoes? 

BK

 If you want free food work at BK. From the time I am in till I leave I have the iced coffee and sprite and fries, maybe onion rings and a whopper if there is a mess up order. Yesterday I got free French toast sticks and a chicken sandwich woot! That makes all the stress worth it. 

I love my job at BK! Try working there if you need more fun in your life. :)

Burger king is fun 

All over there I run 

Afterward I sit in the sun

If I feel a bit undone

I ponder things I won 

Some free fries 

Happy day is my why

For working at BK 

Awake

 Are you awake? 

I am awake. :)

First time in 2.5 weeks that I am up before ny house mates. Maybe BK needs help? Hm.....I probably could walk over there at any time and work when I want to. Not many have the courage to do it. Yesterday we ran out of biscuits. A thing that tiny could make a person go off on you. They got a crosaunt instead. 

If you are courageous try getting a job at a fast food place. They are always hurting. :)

Lose Weight

 How do you lose weight? Diet and exercise of course. I am almost at 200. Too much potatoe salad lol. Cut out soda if you can. Get a job if you don't have one or a second job. Eat less meat and bread. Good luck! :) Live off of fruit, yogurt and carrots. 

If you can't live without bread just eat toast, apples and drink milk. That is what I should have anyways since I have no gall bladder. I can't just eat anything I want to. Which is why I deserve disability.  Please pray I'll get approved for that and food stamps. Beyond that my arms get arthritis easily due to all my typing. 40 books I typed out. And I did it for free. 

Good luck losing weight. Find something to do all day other than just eat. Write books. Read the Word. Go on walks. Chat with people online. Listen to happy music or sermons. Give your own little sermons on a YouTube channel you create. Pray. Clean the house and do laundry. 

Don't let your life just be non stop eating and pooping. :) 

Curses

 "She will be saved through child bearing." So if a woman has had kids no curse applies after that right? I declare that is so. Already had the great pains in bearing children so now work will not be by the sweat of my brow and hard. 

"Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved." Men that is all you need to do. Believe that you need him. To get saved. We can't save ourselves. Our good deeds will never be enough. Admit that you need the help of Jesus men, and women. 

If you are cursing anyone stop and don't. "Do unto others as you wish they will do to you." 

"If you do not forgive others God will not forgive you." The most scary verse in the Bible. Let it go. Let them go. Let it be. 

Jobs

 Do your job to make friends. That is the most important thing in life. Money comes and goes but a good friend might stick with you for 27 years or more. You never know what they would do to help you in the future. 

"By the sweat of your brow." Work is hard but all things are hard. Laying down too much is hard for your back. Standing too much is too. All things in moderation.  Don't rest too much or work too much. Good luck! :)

Work to make friends more than money. 

Money

What will I do with the money I make soon? 

I could buy a moped or motorcycle.  Probably not a car for awhile. I could pay my mom back. I owe her a lot. I could give some to my brother. 

That is what is nice about being poor though, no one expects any money from you. :) Then when you get some it can get taken easily. So you have to guard it and keep it safe like it's your baby. Ah but the love of money is bad. Can you have it and not love it? Sure.... good luck lol. 

Let the money make you feel more at peace. You have it in case of an emergency. It is not your god. It's just paper. You can't eat money, I always say. Well you could try. No don't do it lol. 

Have it but don't love it. You can do it!

Right or Wrong

 What is right and wrong? Most people don't know for some reason. Incest is wrong. Being gay is wrong. Getting drunk a lot is wrong. Doing drugs that hurt your body is wrong. Over eating and over spending is wrong. Sleeping too much or too little is wrong. Maybe eating too little is wrong. Anything that hurts yourself or someone else is wrong. The Bible says in Romans the law is written on our hearts meaning we all know from birth what is wrong or right. But will we do it? That is the question. 

Feel free to write your own list and share it with anyone you know. We all have our own list of pet peeves, things we feel for sure are wrong. May you live out what you feel to be right. And may those around you have the same code of ethics that you do. 

Is sex before marriage wrong? If it leads to a happy long term relationship then no. But often it does not. Is rejecting a one night stand person a sin? It's hard to say. There is a chapter in 1 Corinthians about this. Paul says to not marry that person you had some fun with is better than to marry them. Interesting huh? But then why even meet up? I don't know. Dating might be a waste of time. If you don't know what you want just take a break from dating. For men,  do you want to share your money? For the ladies, do you want to injure your body with pregnancies? Think about it. 

Happy?

 Just asked 50 guys on Tinder, "Are you happy with your life?" 

We all get on dating apps because we want to be more happy. Will it work? Having dates makes us feel desirable which makes us happy. But then any rejection or silence after is hard. So maybe don't date at all? 

"Those who marry will face many troubles in this life," Paul said. Better to just feel married to hot people at work. Home marriage set ups are hard. Will they wake you up at 3am when you really prefer to be sleeping? Will they call you fat? Will they complain if you eat too much? 

Marriage is not easy. Being single is more peaceful. If you are married, you miss being single I bet. Us single people kind of miss being married, sometimes. 

It is hard to say which is better. 

Text me if you think you would be a good husband for me. :) 

402-861-5809 

-Lisa 

For You

 Every day, for you my fans, I make a video on YouTube that gets maybe 100 views lol. Search Lisa Bedrick to see those. And I write a blog here that gets 4k views. Amazing right? Thank you to all of you that stalk me. Lol. 

I hope you all learn from me. Get a blog started yourself and make some YouTube videos. I keep telling God he can take me painlessly I say any day now. I wrote 3k blogs and have almost 3k videos. What else is there to do? 

But next for me is learning to run a Burger King. I am ready. I can do it! My vision needs some prayer but I'll manage. I want to be an assistant manager at some point. Maybe after a week of working there lol. If I will be that fast of a learner of all things there. I can do it! 

I was that at Papa John's for awhile. Essentially for 3 years I ran that place. :) I hope Burger King will feel just like Papa John's. 

What new thing can you do? What new people can you meet? Find a totally new path to walk down. It can be scary but also exciting. Pray that I'll excel at my job and be happy doing it. Thank you all! May God bless you a ton in your new adventures.  :)

Lazy Pansies

 If you get into a place in life where it's ok to be lazy and a pansy you have arrived at heaven on earth. :) I was kind of a lazy pansy this past week. 

Soon I'll start at Burger King. I'll have to give up my lazy days but I'll make friends and money. I got to be pretty lazy for the past 9 days. It was great. My mental health needed a recovery time after my rude room mate. He traumatized me a bit. Threatened to kick me out over the trash lid not being fully down. Said he might not let me back in his house. I pictured myself camping in his backyard. Now I got a few guys ghosting me. It's so hard to trust men. Why does it always turn sad, things between men and women? 

A nice young guy wants to see me but I might chicken out. What if he ghosts me too? :( The heart can only take so much rejection. 

Easy in easy out. Online dating maybe is a waste of time. But Ben lasted 7 years and Zach lasted 3. Eric lasted one year. So sad. All three I met online, and I was glad I did. We had lots of fun. 

Ben turned pansy on me. Pray for his courage to return. Zach got lazy. He didn't talk much at all, which is a form of laziness. Maybe someday he will get talkative with me. A miracle could happen with that. I pray in Jesus' mighty name that Zach will finally open up to me soon. 

Eric I guess got lazy or I turned pansy. It was a very sad break up with all 3 of them. 

Ben had his own place. I had my own place when I met Eric and Zach. Ah love....so hard to find and very hard to keep. :(

Roads to Walk

 It is my daughter Joy's birthday today. I am missing her and all 3 of my kids. Maybe because I almost adopted a little girl in that I could be a step mom to her starting soon. Or I could just do the job at Burger King and hope to meet Mr. Perfect there either from who I work with or a customer. You never know who you will meet working in customer service. No one would expect to talk about a date with a burger king employee but hey why not? Lightning could strike. Look up the love speech from Meet Joe Black. 

Or is the single life better? I am here in a group home because my ex said I was taking money out of his pocket by using His toilet paper. It was an odd thing where we met on match but then I rented a room from him. So that made for a strange relationship. Neither of us knew what to do with each other.

 Now I have a guy who says he would put a ring on my finger. That is appealing. But I would have to go over the road with him. He is cool but he cusses. That is his only down side. He did say he talks to God though, like me, so that is cool. I guess I used to cuss. It's been awhile since I have. 

So many roads to walk but what is best? I could watch him make 30k in half a year or watch myself do that in 1.5 years. And for what? A car that will need maintenance? Every sunny day still has dirt. The main reason I work is for free food and friends. Granted this guy could feed me and he would be a good friend. His name is Willis. Pray that Willis will know if he should take me on as a wife or not. 

Or should I do my own work and hope to find a guy that doesn't cuss? 🤔

Money

 Spend less so you can work less. Live off of bread,  hot dogs and apples. :)

"The love of money is the root of all evil." I lost my daughters and my house cuz I was chasing money. I wanted to work and make tons. In the end I had saved nothing. We make a lot but then spend it all. That silly rat race. Keeping up with Joneses. But who are they? Why do we try so hard to look cool or make our house look cool? Just rest in God's love. He makes us lie down in green pastures. Stop chasing that money. "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it." 

Or if you do chase it, save. You never know what will happen. Jobs are not always easy to get. 

Busy

 I have a psych appointment today. This may be the doctor that can sign me up for disability checks. It could be ideal to get that. I could still work 18 hours a week. Maybe 4 to 8 in a restaurant or a gas station. Just to have a thing to do other than watch YouTube all day or read X or get annoyed with guys on dating apps. It seems on the apps people go on there just to say weird things and it makes them laugh. 

Dating is so risky though. You never know what the other person will do. 

X and YouTube are always good. I hope yall spend most of your time there. Or with your kids. 

I am dating a guy who would love to raise my son with me. That could be fun! He has 2 girls who are actually the same age as my 2 girls. He is 2 years older than me. I hope it works out long-term with him. He is very nice. :)

Two Paths

 I was hoping to get hired at Burger King, but I don't have an offer letter yet. I could have a date tmrw. I kind of want to move in with a guy again. It's different living with women. They argue at times. 

My possible next bf is fixed. He had 4 kids and decided he was good with that. I wish all men would get fixed at a certain age. Every guy I talk to online doesn't want kids but they want sex. Like only 1 out of 50 guys wants kids. So why don't they all get a vasectomy? They should. 

It's so risky to date for women especially when very few guys want what sex creates. They all assume all women are on birth control. But not all of us are. 

May God help all of us women to only be around good guys. And may Jesus make all the bad boys good. If you feel inclined to save all the guys on dating apps please try. As in get them to want a family and not just random hook ups. It is sad to live life that way. There is no love in that. It's just a hit and run and both people are more sad after. 

Don't get caught up in the hook up culture. Be a family man or woman and settle down. Go to church. Raise kids. Be content with just one mate. Wouldn't that be great if the fate of our future is people who want just one. That can be fun. Now go walk in the sun. :)

Purpose

 What is your purpose in life? To be a friend to the Holy Spirit. Maybe to have a great career. Maybe to have a family. Mostly to be a friend of God. 

God created us for a friendship with him. 

What else? Seek first the kingdom of God. Fix your eyes on things above. Focus on what is true, noble and excellent. 

Help others and they will help you. 

Listen to God and he will listen to you. 

Fast and Pray

 I feel like I am hungry all day. No matter how much I eat my stomach is insatiable. It's never enough. "Their god was their stomach." That is in the NT. 

Is your stomach god? No! Lol. Try fasting. Maybe I'll fast for 12 hours to gain wisdom on what to do. I could work at Burger King but maybe I could also live with my son. Pray my ex will get his own apartment or house soon so we can be a family again. It's been 10 months since I've seen my son. That is too long. The plan was that I would live with my brother while my son got potty trained. I should have been more assertive about getting him potty trained. My whole last 10 months maybe was crazy cuz I didn't get that done myself. 

What do you need to fast and pray about? May you find the answers you need as you fast and pray. It is a way to get God to hear you more or to care more. :) "Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and he will lift you up." 

God please help me see my son again and be his mommy again. I miss him a lot. 

Eat Less

 My goal this week is to eat less. I made a plan to walk one or two miles each day at 10am and 4pm. Along with that I should diet. My weight is at 190, highest ever. So sad....Just interviewed at Burger King though. I think I got the job. Not sure if working there will result in me eating less or more. All the workers were pretty skinny so probably I'll eat less. Very good. But some free whoppers would be fabulous. The manager is very nice. It will be a lot to learn or maybe it will be simple, easy work. 

I have heard cutting out bread is ideal. I could try that for a day. I can just have milk and eggs and see if I lose 5 pounds in a day. :)

Diet books are always number one on top selling lists.  It could be that simple. Try having only milk and eggs for a week. Like as if you were living on a farm. :)

And get out and walk. We all need direct sunlight at least once a day. 

God bless!

Burgers

 I have never worked in burgers but I'm sure I'll love it. My first food love was the whoppers from Burger King. Also the fries from McDonald's. Every Friday my dad would get whoppers for us. Dijouno pizzas have also been a big favorite. 

Might work at BK soon. I wonder if I will make a high hourly wage. I don't care too much. I just want to work for fun. It's either burger king or cook in a restaurant. Hard to say which one would be more fun. 

I walked all over today applying and interviewing. It will be good to get settled in a job. I almost had a date tonight but then it got to be too late. I think I have to be home if it's dark out. 

We all should live by that rule. Nothing good happens after dark lol. Just be at home. 

Best Buddy

 Do anything your best buddy tells you to do. My best bud is Ash. We have been close for 27 years now. I talk to her once a week or every day sometimes. She told me to rent rooms 5 years ago so I did. That was tons of fun. She told me to write more books. That was super fun. Now she is saying I should work at Walmart, so I should right?

 Although the book writing idea led to tons of pain in my arms. I got tennis elbow I guess. 

I typed out about 10 books while I was pregnant. But then my arms felt on fire all the time. There was a book I wrote on alcoholism, feminism, homosexuality, abortion, depression, anxiety, God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I was starting a joke book but never finished it.  

Next will be a book about smoking. 

Waitress

 Is work fun? At times. Do I miss waitressing? A bit. Do I love just relaxing? Of course. 

Salty Dog could hire me. Maybe Texas Road house. Maybe Casey's again. Earning tips in cash would be lovely. 

Pray that I'll have the desire to walk over and apply tomorrow. :)

Clean

 I have always wanted to start my own house cleaning business. Maybe I will. I wrote up notes and can put them on doors. It says, "If you need a house cleaner or babysitter text me." And my number. 

Do that in your own neighborhood. We all need more friends so that can be a way to make more friends too. 

It would be fun to babysit. I maybe should add to the note that I worked with kids for 26 years. I would be impressed by that if I read it. I did tutoring, preschool work, child counselor in camps and cruise ships and I taught English one year. And I was a mom to my 3 kids for as long as I could be. 

What makes you happy? Cleaning has always made me feel very joyful. Do what you love. :)

Want Less

 Anger comes from wanting too much. You might be mad at yourself but then you take it out on others. We get angry about so much now. Mad if you get fat. But then mad if you don't have enough food. Mad if others pursue you but angry if you are ignored. 

What do you want? It is always hard to know what road is the best. Take the chance. Do what your heart pulls you to.  Be true to your dreams. 

Work

 Why do we work? For entertainment mostly. We spend or make money non stop it seems. The hamster wheel is always going. But are we happy? Take a step back and reevaluate. Is that really how you want to live? 

There is a bar I could work at. But I lost my glasses so work might be harder. Better to just make another family. 3rd time is a charm right? If I do the next man will be my 3rd baby daddy. It's so sad it didn't work out with the other two. Both my exes had retired mom's who took my kids. They should have never retired. 

Watch out for in laws. I would love to get one of my 3 kids back. Pray for that for me. Or I'll start from square one again. 

Drama

 Are you a drama king or queen? Hopefully not. Why does drama happen? When we are scared we act scary, in self defense I guess. The key is to never be scared. " Who of you by worrying can add one hour to your life?"

The worry of a thing is often way worse then the thing. So give up worrying. It is a very bad habit to have. Live well and you will be blessed. Then you will have zero reasons to worry. 

It is our guilt that can cause us to worry. Don't do anything you would feel overly guilty about. 

Don't ruin today by worrying about tomorrow. You might not even be alive tomorrow. So why stress out? 

Find a hobby other than fretting all day. "It is better to live on the corner of a roof than with a fretful person." Don't be that person. Read or write a book. Cook some good soup. Take a nap or a bath. Go on a walk. Try doing house cleaning, deep cleaning of yours and maybe start a house cleaning business. Ride a bike. Read the Word. Listen to worship music. :) 

Fear not for God is with you. Be strong and courageous.  The shadow might be big, but the actual problem is small. Focus on good things. If anything is excellent or worthy of praise, think about those things. 

Pain

 I have a headache today. Just stress. Maybe I need a better pillow. Been up since 5am just thinking and planning. Some guy named Chad said he has lots of money and wants to spoil me. We shall see. 

Could go back to walking to work but no. 

I might just chill and cook and clean in the group home for a year or until Chad for sure wants to spoil me. It is tricky with any new relationship.  Will they like you? 

Change

 Is the grass greener on another side? Hopefully. If there is verbal abuse try to get to a safer place. That shows a lack of respect. Then you can't be friends if they don't respect you. 

It is hard to find respect in this world. I declare in the group home I will find it. I will find a sweet boss with a fun job. I will find good friends. It has been awhile. I almost had it here. But I don't know. My mom wants me to be in a group home so it's time to go. 

Love

 Most humans hate love it seems. They run away from love. They are afraid of it. They push people away. Granted we need sleep and love can make it hard to sleep. 

What is it about relationships that we shy away from? We find it hard to trust. We stay guarded. If we got hurt we think we always will get hurt. What you expect is what will happen. 

But the future could be night and day opposite of your past. Have faith. Stay in hope. 

Friends

 It is nice to make new friends at work. I am confident I will make good friends soon. 

I don't know if online dating is always bad. I met half of my exes that way. Ben lasted 7 years, Eric one and Zach 3 years. After Ben my mom said "Do you really want another train wreck?" Bryan wasn't really that though. The next guy. I should have stayed with him. 

I hope to be friends with the staff of the group home and figure out a good job or getting food stamps. I hope to feel more free and at peace. My house mate was a romantic friend but he doesn't work a job. That was a bit frustrating.  Granted he is old but I think all alive humans should try to work and make money. God willing I'll find something again. My goal is to save for a car. I miss having a car. Although the mechanic check ups are stressful. 

It's hard to know what to do. God makes us lie down. If you do too much, lay around for awhile. If you have been lazy try to find work to do. 

If you are very social, get time alone. If you have been alone try to be more social. 

Truck

 Working the truck at work today was too much. Feels like I can't breath. Every muscle is sore. I quit due to that and the group home is ready for me. I don't know if I'll work for awhile. My mom plans to pay for the home for a year for me. Thank God. I need a long break. May we just watch movies and eat cheetohs and may I find peace finally. I could try fasting and praying. Been awhile since I did that. I just want peace and rest. May this new home be very peaceful. I've had about 2 years of drama. I really need to rest. 

Work

 Work makes us happy more than anything else. Other than a nice hug. I felt like the king of my gas station today. I mastered the donut frosting. I got 8 orders of pizzas done almost on my own. I got it all completed well. It was my 4th day at my job. 

But I might live in a group home soon, and maybe another gas station like that one will give me a chance. Or I'll write blogs for the cold season here. Part of me thinks I am dumb to leave all this. I have a nice house, a usually nice man and a nice job here. But my mom thinks a group home is ideal for me. I have dealt with some hauntings and odd visions in the past. Time will tell what is ideal for me. It has been a very fun month in this happy, safe neighborhood here.  

If I stay my mom may want my house mate to lower the rent. Granted her and I could pay him rent, 100 from each of us. Or I can get more healing and therapy in the group home. The women in charge are super nice. I picture board games and movies all day. Might work part time in a restaurant too.  I was told I can stay there as long I may want to. 

I had a heck of a time walking to work in the rain here. If there is bad weather that makes it tough to walk to work. In the winter there could be hail. :( In the home they could give me rides to work. I do like to walk if the weather is nice though. 

I pray I'll get into a home with very, very Christian girls. Maybe we could have worship nights together.  How cute would that be? I pray it feels like my Christian college. I really miss how it was there. All of us were really good people. Life was simple and easy. No one was dating, for reals, so we all were carefree and independent. It was great. We all knew what we wanted, just to finish college. We were happy and in love with God. 

I have not seen that very much in the world post college. I probably have been depressed ever since I left college due to the fact that no where else is like Biola University. It was a dream world, a utopia, a holy promise land. The happiest place on earth. If you have kids, let them experience Biola. And pray for me to be put in a very Christian group home. Strength in numbers right? Yes. 

Happy Life

 Think yourself happy. Maybe you feel down but change how you see things. Eat a good meal. Take a long nap and know if you have food and a warm house and a good bed you could be happy right? You have a God who cares for you so why be sad? Maybe not every tiny thing is going well but focus on the good, not the bad. Most likely a few people love you. You probably have a hobby you love and hopefully a job you love. Things are not that bad. And don't worry about the future. God is there just like he always has been. What is meant to be will be. The friends you need will find you. The food you need will come to you. We do need to make an effort but most of the time just trust God to provide for you. We always strive and run and God says just relax. I got you. As long as you act loving you should be OK. Take care of others when you can and God will take care of you. 

Dreams

 I had a dream I got a beautiful car but kept having accidents. It was like a video game driving it. You never know when you go in a car what could happen. 

So much of life is scary. You change things and have to adjust. People can let you down and shock you. The whole world is so mean at times. It's every man for himself. I hope Jesus will come back soon. So much stress. So much loss. So many hard things about life. Why can't love be easy? Why can't lovers stick together? Why can't lovers be nice to each other? Why do we all get so hungry all the time? Why do we get weak and sick easily? 

We try to stay strong but we aren't and then we feel angry all the time that we are so weak. The weather affects us. So we hide inside but then feel depressed.  If we have too much ease we get depressed.  But if we are too stressed we wish we could die, which is severe depression. Then we need deep rest. Do you ever wish to die? Every day of my life almost I have wished I could die painlessly and quickly. I was never happy, not for very long. Ok maybe that started after I had kids. It was at times joyful but it is a very hard road to be a mom. No one helps you it feels like. No one says good job or thank you. You are always criticizing yourself and others critique you. You feel like you failed every day. 

I suppose in any relationship it is like that. We feel we never do enough. They always want more. But why do more for them if it's never enough? They are insatiable. Only happy very rarely. What really makes any of us happy? Good food and good sleep. Maybe good sex. 

Do what makes you happy today, whatever it is, because the people around you just want to see you be happy. 

Room mates

 I live in constant fear of my house mate. He is one of those people you have to walk on egg shells with them so as to not set him off. Everything angers him. He takes testosterone shots so that might be why. 

There is a lady I work with who maybe I could rent a room from and get rides to work with. She taught me how to make wraps at work. She works hard and she is nice. Maybe she will be my new bestie. 

I have a love fear relationship with my house mate. He is 62 and I'm 41. Met him on match. He offered for me to stay with him for a month. So here I am. My mom gives him rent for me to have his spare room. If she didn't do that I probably would have had to do anal with him. Ewe....I don't get why anyone would do that, women or men. I don't want my poop going all over. Yuck. But I guess to have a place to live people do what they think they have to. :(

There was another guy who offered me his bed but all his bills are past due. Not cool. I've never had to worry about power going off due to past due bills. 

That is why I think a group home would be ideal for me. Bills stay paid and hopefully I won't be scared of anyone there. Next week I probably will move into one. It will be free after the first month I think. I qualify as disabled. Praise God! 

It is hard to live with the opposite sex. Why do any of us try to do that? :( There is some love but lots of tension and awkward feelings. 

I have tried living with Roger, Ben, Brian, Josh, Eric, Zach, my brother and now this guy. God help me figure it out. Or I'll just stay with women for awhile and enjoy my break from men. Yep. I've never fought with a woman. But I fought with all of them at least a few times. 

Men and women don't mix well. I heard all men want to kill all women. If you are a guy is that true? And why? Granted there is baggage. Most men got their heart broken a lot but you can be mad at women without wanting to kill them all. 

Hopes and Goals

 What do you dream to do? Marry a rich guy? We all want that. Elon will you marry me?

 What else do you all want? 

Do all the things I did.

Go write a book. Work on a cruise ship. Have 3 kids. Live. Spend 4 years making pizzas. Hike around Alaska. Snorkle the Great Barrier Reef. Go save all the world! As best as you can. Make 3k YouTube videos. Write 2k blogs. Ok that's enough bragging. :)

I keep telling God I have done enough. Can't he take me home now? But he says I'm only 41. I'm like, "What else could I possibly do? Why must I go on living?" 

To have another kid? But no one wants to for now. Make donuts? 

What else do you hope to do before you die? I would love to be president and buy a beach house. Maybe in 2 years. Pass the baton to me Trump, soon. I'm ready. :)

Or maybe Jesus will return soon and we can all be happy. Pray for him to come soon. 

Hang in there fellow Christians. This too shall pass. There will be a reward someday. Keep pressing on. 

Money

 I got $200 stolen but I made it back in 3 days. What is wrong that people are so desperate? But we all get like that. We all need things bad from time to time and do what we need to do to get things. 

I thought my phone wasn't gonna charge this morning. It needed a system update and to be turned off for awhile. My poor new phone can't handle 12 hour a day use. :) Oh well. May it live long and stay strong. 

I felt desperate after my last job fired me. Praise God my mom still is helping with my rent. A lady kept correcting me on how the pillows looked in a hotel so I walked out. That was the 4th time I've walked out on a job. Need to stop doing that. I almost did today at work. It's hard when you get hungry at work. "Their god was their stomach. Put a knife to your throat if you are given to appetite." Crazy right? Like kill yourself if you constantly need food. But if we stay hungry we get headaches. So what do we do God? Work hard so we have food but then there is a lot more hunger. 

I wish we never felt hunger. Don't you? Why do we? Maybe someday Jesus will take all our hunger pains away. 

Work

 I have a great job that I found. But "Don't wear yourself out to get rich....The love of money is the root of all evil." I generally don't work for money. I work because it's fun and I like making friends. I am worried if I work over 20 hours this week if that will disqualify me for a group home I might get into. I heard they are fun. Trips to the movies and the mall. They are like forced friends. I suppose at work it's pretty much the same thing. In my current life my walk to work is about 20 minutes. That is fine if it's not raining. I could just tell the main manager yes I would love to open the store for you every day the rest of my life but if its raining can you do it? :) And then maybe magically I can have a car given to me at the group home. "All things are possible to those who believe." :)

Group Home

 Well I enjoyed my one day of making pizzas in a gas station yesterday. My feet were in serious pain by the end of the day though. Felt like tons of knives were going in them. And I had to walk to and from work. I would prefer to do that every other day. But the group home is taking me soon. I'll live with 3 other women who are basically orphans or widowed. I would prefer to live with my mom but she prefers to pay for that for now. I heard they go out to movies and the mall. That should be fun. It's like summer camp for adults. Except I will try to get a job working 20 hours a week. Maybe in a restaurant. It would be funny if a Casey's gas station is around there. I could say I've already been hired and transfer. That would be nice. It will be nice to just be around women. I have not done that since college. I need to say bye to men for now I think. A guy stole $200 from me 2 days ago. It was meant to be my rent for him so I could live with him. He just took the money and drove off. Now all I have is $20. :( He was 22 so watch out for those young guys. Another guy somewhat offered for me to live with him but his bills are super past due. That would be too stressful. My current house mate is bisexual so that has been a bit odd. We were a bit intimate but he kept trying to pressure me to do anal. I have no interest in that. So I kept looking for work partly to get away from him. I cared about him but it was a tense friendship I would say. I was just listening to a Rick Warren sermon and it made me think I should move on from him. He seems to be angry all the time about everything. I don't know why. So mostly I am excited to get into a group home. I will get picked up today or tomorrow.  :)