For any that have liked reading my blog in the past, sorry I don't write as much anymore. I try to sometimes but then my two year old wants to climb in my lap and start typing on my laptop too lol. So now I express myself in other ways like my current making of purses and dresses. Which is tons of fun too though so I'm glad I'm getting to develop that skill. And I still very much hope my purses will be like awesome walking Bible tracts everywhere they go! yay! Especially ones that say "Jesus is Lord" or "God is Amazing." :)
I am going to a Celebrate Recovery class at a church by me again, because of things that happened with my dad when I was little, and my fiancé dying 3 years ago which was hard. This week they talked about the importance of journaling. So I thought I would write some in my public journal for all of you to see, and hopefully learn from my mistakes if possible. :)
I woke up this morning thinking about what might be my motive for all my purse making and Jesus packet making in my past. I have made by now about 3,000 Jesus packets and given them out over the last three years, and maybe 100 purses so far. (The Jesus packets had candy, a Bible tract, a bracelet I made and other fun toys, bookmarks etc.)
Granted my number one motive for doing all that is to spread the gospel and help people. My motive is also to maybe prevent some of the evil that can happen to people and kids like several things that happened to me as a kid. But perhaps a sub-conscious motive is to be accepted and loved by lots of people. And I was thinking, why do I have such a need a for that? Well for one, because all humans do really. But also, two because my mom is somewhat unavailable and has always been not very responsive via texting which has always made me sad. So for any moms out there, make sure you are good about texting your kids, because that is their love language now more than anything else, most likely. :)
But I realized there is probably something else there. When I was in college and beyond I actually had a long series of guys rejecting me. It's funny because in my mind I always think every guy liked me. I think I in general have a problem with telling myself the truth and in being totally honest with myself about myself. My husband had a book with the title "Telling Yourself the Truth" ironically when I met him. I never read it, but I had wanted to. But I tend to think of myself as better than I am. I always have, and that is not good. But the truth is, guy after guy rejected me for quite a long time. It worked out well though, because I am SO glad I am with my current husband now and not with any of them. But at the time it was very hard. :( So for all you single people reading this, keep hoping! Your dream man or woman will show up in your life eventually. Just stay in faith. God has someone for you. Keep following God and witnessing and doing all you can for God and He WILL bring someone GREAT into your life! woot! "Seek first the kingdom of God (sharing the gospel) and all these things will be added unto you." (like a spouse and kids) amen! And as you keep your focus on God and witnessing etc. you will get to keep those things and will most likely not end up in a divorce, because God's words and rules lead to life and not death. Amen!
And in regards to my purses and packets, it's still good that I'm doing them obviously. But I wonder if I still would do them if I hadn't had so much pain in the past. God truly does always work all things together for the good of those who love Him. Amen. :)
So back to my life story, in junior high and high school I had success in general with boys and dating. I had a 16 year old boyfriend when I was only 13, which I thought was pretty awesome. Probably wasn't good for me, but I thought it made me cool. In high school, I got asked to Prom by a Senior when I was only a Sophomore, which is like the coolest thing that can happen to any girl in high school. lol :) And the two guys I liked the most in high school wrote in my Senior year book that I should call them etc. But I didn't lol. Because back then I actually had a major fear of boys and getting pregnant and ending up being a single mom, which probably all girls should have that fear. I suppose I feared that because my mom was a single mom and I saw how hard it was and how lonely she was. :(
But then in college with boys it was one big strike out after another really. A guy at my work took me to a movie one night but literally the next night I took my brother to meet him and a friend for coffee and he was totally making out with some other girl. I had no idea why. Maybe he wanted to make the statement that he was still free. It broke my heart needless to say. (I am writing all this to give any of you single people out there hope too. That I got my heart broken a lot but I finally found my dream guy and am living the dream. Praise God! Getting to be a stay at home mom with a great Christian and hard working guy with two daughters is all my dreams come true! I couldn't ask for more! But it was a long and painful road for me before this. So if you are currently in dating pain, keep the faith. God will provide for you in the right time. Amen.)
So that guy broke my heart. We actually dated a year after that and he was faithful as far as I know, but I broke it off because he wasn't Christian. Then I literally did not date at all for the entire three years after that, my Sophomore through Senior year in college. There was one guy in my choir that I liked. He held my hand while we were all hiking up a mountain so obviously I thought he liked me. I emailed him that I liked him. Then he said we should talk and in person he told me he didn't like me at all. I was quite frustrated obviously. But it wasn't meant to be. If any of those guys had worked out I wouldn't be with my wonderful husband Ben, who is beyond perfect for me because he is so much like me. He loves to play basketball and dance and sing and be silly like me. We both love movies and eating out. We both love pizza etc. He is my perfect match. No one could have matched better with me. But it took me till I was 28 to find him. I thought I should have been married with kids by 21 like my mom, but sometimes taking your time finding the best guy is the best thing to do. :)
And there were more rejections which I'll share. A guy my freshman year hung out with me a lot. I thought he liked me. But then found out he had a girlfriend at another college that whole time. Crazy.
Then after college I was with a guy. I told him I loved him at one point but he said he didn't love me. So I broke up with him shortly after. Another guy a year later dumped me a week before Christmas. Another guy I worked with I liked a lot for a long time, but he never seemed to really like me. Then a guy I met at church a year later I emailed a lot. On my birthday he showed me some video game he made for me. Then literally that exact same night we went to my co-worker's house, a girl that looked like Barbie. It was probably dumb of me to have them hang out because that night he seemed to fall head over heals for her, even though she had a boyfriend already. So from then on he kept trying to get me to give him her phone number.
So needless to say, tons of heart break, and I am SO glad I'm not in the dating world anymore. It sucked a lot. So to any of you that are still dating, good luck and keep the faith! God has someone out there for you. Don't waste your time on the losers or guys who don't seem to care about you. The right guy WILL care about you. Don't chase after any guy who isn't chasing after you. It's not worth you wasting your time or your heart on them. Focus on God and God will bring someone. But you can't be a sitting duck either. I do recommend getting on some dating sites and emailing lots of people. Put yourself out there. Be outgoing. Just shoot out emails to tons of people with a simple "hey how are you doing?" And see how they respond. Also dating websites are great because you can search for Christian. Of course tons of people say they are Christian but really are not, so make sure you email a lot before you meet in person.
And may God bless you all! I feel your pain, if you are dating. I know what you are going through. And believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel. Like people always say, Thomas Edison tried 500 times before he made the light bulb. It's like that with dating too. Just keep trying, hoping and believing and your dream person will find you someday. :)
If you know any single people send them a link to this blog please. :) Maybe it will encourage them or make them feel better because they will know they aren't alone. We all get rejected. Even the vice president of the Senior class, which I was, can get rejected by like 10 different guys. Hang in there single person! God has someone for you!
God bless! :)
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