My Story of a Broken Time

When I was 22 I lost my virginity to a very slick con artist.  It is amazing though that I made it till 22, given that I was sexually abused when I was young.  But I had intended to save myself for marriage. But along came mr. smooth who had effectively deflowered about 20 other virgin girls and his evil snake charms, essentially, worked on me too.  I never really share this part of my testimony I think because there is so much shame there.  I am fine with telling people when I give my testimony that my dad sexually molested me as a child.  There actually is zero shame there now about that, thanks to years of counseling and the Holy Spirit's work in me, but I do have a lot of shame about this event.  Why?  Well I know now being molested was out of my control and I was just a powerless little child.  I know it was not my fault, but me being an adult in this other situation I should have prevented loosing my virginity.  I feel like I should have been stronger.  Any time someone has sex before marriage there is of course a lot of shame there.  We all know it is wrong.  But women, due to wanting love and maybe having little love available from parents etc., can easily get conned into sex by bad guys who don't really care about them.

When this happened I ironically had just graduated from a private Christian college, Biola University.  I had only been asked on a couple dates while there so I think partly I was disillusioned a bit with my faith and God.  I thought God was going to provide me with my husband at that college, but he didn't.
I also, ironically, had just gone on an amazing missions trip to Taiwan.  I kind of fell in love with a guy on my team but when I expressed my interest he rejected me.

So in this time I was feeling a bit disappointed with God and rejected by people.  Satan had given me the perfect set up to fall.  It was the perfect storm, or really a very unperfect storm of course.

I also decided to take on working 3 jobs in this time.  I was out of college and my student loans had to start getting paid.  Stupid loans. :( lol.  (Parents, start saving for your kids now for college so they won't have laons. :)  It also didn't help that my mom charged me rent for living with her and my step-dad.  And I had a big car payment.  So I got hired at Barnes and Noble, a retail store, and a tutoring center.  This is a good lesson to any of you all, don't try to do too much or you might become a lot more vulnerable to Satan.

So I was tired.  I was burned out.  My retail job had me waking up at 3:30am and getting there at 4am around Christmas time to clean the store up.  What a crazy job huh?  The tutoring job was fun but some of the kids were unruly, as kids can be. :)  The Barnes and Noble job was pretty easy.  I just put books on shelves and loved that. :)

So in the midst of all this, I fell.  My step brother moved in with us, even though he was 28, due to some health issues he was having.  This was my frist time meeting him so it's not like I had grown up with him at all.  My mom had just married my step dad a few years before.  And this step brother was very attractive and we were then stuck living in the same house, so that was a huge recipe for disaster.  I think my mom had way to much faith in me to put me in such a situation.  Way to much faith mom. lol ;)

After the fall I stayed in a relationship with him for a couple months.  I really was hoping to marry him and I hoped he wanted that too.  Yes I know that seems crazy since he was my step brother.   All the while I was going to church and my pastor was boldly speaking about sex outside of marriage and how you can't go to church and be committing sexual sin and think it's ok.  That definitely make me think.   Good job Mike Erre for being so bold in talking about that subject! :)
So I decided to end the relationship.  I had told the guy I loved him and he literally said he didn't love me back.  I realized then he was just using me for what he wanted.  He was just a completely selfish person and didn't really care about me.  So I am very glad I ended it and did not talk to him again after that.
I told my mom what had been going on.  She was oblivous to the whole thing.  So they had him go live with his mom, which is where he should have been from the beginning but oh well.  Perhaps God let that happen so I would have this story to share and maybe it can help some of you.  I hope it does. ;)

After that I was obedient to God in going to back to walking a straight path.  I then got a huge break through from God; God sent me the most amazing job I have ever had.  Literally a month later I was looking on Craigslist for jobs and one listed was to be an assistant director of a junior high camp with a Salvation Army church right by me.  I was blown away that such a job could be right there at my finger tips.  I interviewed and got the job!  I had never been so excited about a job in my life!  That was a great picture of God's grace to me and that when we turn from evil to do good God will bless us.  Amen.  If we seek first God's kingdom and to please him all other things will be added to us.
Everything else will fall into place and our lives will be great, for the most part, and he will provide for us and things can be wonderful. :)

So I had an awesome time working with that camp.  It was only 10 mintues from my mom's house so I drove there every day.  We went on the most amazing trips together.  It was me and 3 other staff in charge of only about 15 kids.  Super easy. :)  And I got to go to Disneyland for free with them, the San Diego Zoo, every water park in Orange County, Knotts Berry Farm, etc.  It was for sure the biggest dream job I had ever and probably will ever have.

God really poured out his grace to me in that.  Even though I had done what I felt was the biggest sin of my life, living in sin for 2 months, God still gave me the most amazing job ever after that.

The other interesting thing in that time is that while I worked at that camp I decided to fast every Wednesday for 24 hours that summer.  I knew my flesh needed to be put back in check and it worked.  I did not date anyone after the guy I fell with for 2 years.  I completely just focused on God and God blessed me.

After that camp I went on to be so blessed to get a job as a junior high English teacher for a private school.  The kids were the best kids I could have asked to teach, most of the time. lol.  It was another amazing job and a wonderful experience.  Another picture of God's amazing grace to me and I am so grateful I got to do that job.

So I hope that story gives you hope, that even if you did fall or are falling, if you repent and turn the other way, God will bless you tremendously for obeying him.  Whatever sin you were in or are in, repent, stop doing it now, and vow to God to live holy and pure and God will bless you.  Amen.  God bless ;)