Why does the Bible say that husbands are to love their wives? Why does the Bible say that women are to respect their husbands? What is the significance of love and respect and how are they played out practially? How can women show respect and men show love?
Respect does not come naturally to women, because we think in terms of love. Love does not come naturally to men, because men think in terms of respect. Women love to love. Men have a "Man Code" of honor and respect amongst each other. Watch the movie Gliator and you will understand this. What do the men repeatedly say to each other in that movie? "Strength and honor!" Then look at chick flicks. What is the main theme? LOVE, of course. :) Men understand the rules and conditions of "The Man Code." Women, however, usually do not. Women need to seek to understand men more, just as men need to seek to understand women more. :) And then there will be peace and hormony in the world. lol :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MR6n6LFy8tU
The host in this clip says that has almost been married for 20 years. He admits that there were some rough years in his marriage, but he said that the principles in the Love and Respect book really made a difference in his own marriage. That book opened his eyes a lot. He says every guy needs to read these books, because they are one of the only relationship books that makes sense to men. So go buy the book Love and Respect by Emmerson! And read it with your spouse! :)
The host asks Emmerson, "What do you say to a guy who says, 'I don't have a good marriage. I am miserable.' "
Emmerson says that many times writers and leaders in the church have contributed to these marriages that just don't work by giving the wrong advice. He says that most relationship books that you read and most pastors will say it is the man's fault that things are not working. But the fact is, that is certainly not always the case. I know us women, especially when it comes to our time of the month, are capable of making a considerable amount of waves ourselves. Women are not angels by any means. It takes two to tango right? As in it takes two to have a fight, and it takes two to not have the kind of marriage that would be possible.
Emmerson himself used to think that men were primarily the reason for problems in marriage. But look at what Solomon says repeatedly in the Proverbs. "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." "A quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof." "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife."
Wives can be just as guilty of ruining marriages as men can. Sometimes women are the victims in cases of domestic violence. But sometimes it is the men who are the victims, of emotional violence. The world is so easy on women, and with feminism we always want to point fingers at the man and say it is his fault. Well what if it isn't? What if it is the woman who is causing the issues?
Emmerson says, "The love and respesct message is based on Eph. 5 which says a husband must love and a wife must respect." But what happens is that when she feels unloved, she reacts in ways that seem disrespectful to the man. And when the man feels disrespected, he reacts in ways that feel unloving to the woman.
Many good willed people are in this crazy cycle in their marriages, and we need to decode this and understand what is ACTUALLY going on. The truth is that when a woman acts disrespectfully she is most likely crying out that she needs to be loved. To stop the crazy cycle the man needs to love the woman even if the women is not acting in a way that is loving or deserving of love. Why? Because we love each other "as unto God." Even though our spouse does not deserve our love or respect, we are STILL called to love and respect them.
Without respect from the woman, the man will react defensively without love. The man really does love his wife, but he goes into a self-protectant mode when she is acting disrespectfully. In his mind, she has now become the enemy and he must gaurd against her so that she cannot hurt him anymore. However, if her life was threatened in that moment he would still lay down his life in a heartbeat for her. His unloving actions are only a momentary self-preservation mode. Like pulling out an umbrella to protect us from the rain, men pull out unloving acts to protect from the woman's disrespect. He may say something hurtful to her in an attempt to push her away. Or he may just shut down, stone-wall, and retreat into his "cave" as John Gray likes to call it, the author of Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. We all have our ways of self-protection. Women see this as the man has stopped loving her. But the fact is, he will always love her, but he very well may have stopped liking her in that moment because of her actions, and that is ok. Like moms say to their children, "I'll always love you, but I don't like you right now." Husbands will always love their wives, but sometimes they feel the need to hide when the storms are raging. And women, you know we can start some storms. lol What men want most in relationships is for them to be more positive, more happy. But women love drama. Why we do, I do not know. Perhaps because women see drama as a way to connect more. But men see drama as a disconnect. Women love the thrill of heightened emotions. Men like to stay calm, keep things mellow and easy. Women love discussing problems. Men like to ignore problems and pretend they don't exist. Thus the battle of the sexes. :)
Ultimately marriage is not about your spouse, it is about serving God in your marriage. We are to do everything as unto God. Regardless of how respectful your husband is, RESPECT him. Regardless of how loving your wife may act, LOVE her. Love her as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it. This is unconditional love, loving or respecting someone no matter what they do. This is what God is calling us to do in marriage. This is what He empowers us to do when we stay connected to Him. Jesus said, "Apart from me you can do nothing." So remember to stay connected to God, and you will then be able to love or respect your spouse as much as is humanly possible.
When men choose to put on love toward a woman who is angry she will immediately soften. Try this men, the next time you are in a fight. Try walking up and holding your wife when she is yelling at you and see what happens. The fight will most likely instantly be dissolved.
We have to believe that each spouse has good intentions towards the other.
Every couple WILL have troubles. But successful couples know how to do that dance better and come out of it ok.
It's hard to be thankful while being negative. We need to give thanks for everything regardless, because we recognize that God has our best intentions in mind. In marriage it is common for people to develop a negativity. But we are called to give thanks and that releases the peace of Christ in our lives in every situation. In marriage, we have to force ourselves to give thanks, even when we may not feel like it. Our actions can lead our hearts to where they need to be.
I kept a thankful journal for my late husband where I would periodically write all the reasons I was thankful for him. I would share this with him and he would write me letters about why he was thankful for me. It is so key that people in marriage do that often. It will greatly improve your relationship.
Only husbands are commanded to agape love their wives, but not the wives. The reason being is that women do this naturally. That is why God commanded it to men in Eph. 5. Women speak the language of love always. Likewise women do not naturally understand the language of respect. Men live by the honor code. If men disresepect each other, they become enemies. Therefore, if a woman disrespects her husband it is very hard for the husband to not think of his wife as an ememy. But he needs to see her motives behind the disrespect. It is because she does not feel loved.
May we as women learn more and more how to respect our husbands and may men learn how to really love their wives as Christ loved the church. Grace and peace be with you.
God bless!
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