A really funny quote from Socrates I believe about marriage; "By all means get married. If you marry a good wife it will make you happy. If you marry a bad wife it will make you a philosopher." lol :) Meaning either way it benefits us. Either it improves our life or it makes us wiser, or it is a combination of both for most people. :)
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"Always accept people as they are. Don't try to change them or expect them to change on their own; it won't work!"
How many times do spouses try to change each other oh my goodness. lol :) But we can't change people, only God can.
However, I love how Cloud and Townsend, who wrote Boundaries, say though that we can change people somewhat by changing how we react to them.
If you start laying down conditional statements such as, "I will leave the room or the house if you continue to yell like that." And if you follow through when you say things like that, it just might change the person. They won't change until it affects them, until what you are doing affects them. This is called setting Boundaries with people, not letting them do whatever they want or treat you however they want to. It's important that you communicate this though rather than just leave because that might make them more angry. :)
So we are to accept our spouse to an extent, unless they are damaging our mental, emotional or spiritual health, and of course our physical health.
"Ask yourself if you're dealing with a difficult person or a difficult situation."
So is your spouse just being difficult or is there a reason he/she is being difficult? Usually there is a trigger, something that set them off.
I saw a great picture once when I was working in mental health of an ice berg; the trainer was explaining that all we see on people is the tip of the ice berg, but under the water there are all kinds of other things going on. Inside of people there is way more going on than we realize.
When I used to cashier and work in customer service if I ever encountered a difficult customer I would always want to ask, "How are things at home with you? How is your personal life?" But of course that wasn't my job to ask that. I was not a counselor, just a cashier lol. But there is always a reason for people acting difficult. Someone may have hurt them and made them angry or they are trying to do too much and so are stressed. There is always a reason. If you can get to the root of what the issue is, rather than looking at the symptoms, you might be able to solve the problem and so relieve the symptoms.
"Staying in control of your emotions is a sign of strength and self-discipline, so do it."
Anytime I have had to work with kids I have had to MASTER this. Kids can see right through you. They can see every emotion you're feeling even if you don't realize they see it. They do.
In order to maintain control in any situation you have to have self-control of your emotions. I love the quote, "We become controlling when we have lost control." You can have control without being controlling. How? By staying self-controlled then you can control, for the most part, what goes on around you. Forget trying to control others or the situation, focus on trying to control yourself first.
If you let your emotions get the best of you, you have lost control and most likely have lost respect of those around you. So focus on yourself and self-control and you will win the respect of anyone you come in contact with. That is a missing law of power really in the book 48 Laws of Power; Control Your Emotions.
"Distance yourself from the person by taking a walk or a time out if you need to regroup."
If you are in an argument with your spouse, usually it is futile to try to continue to talk once both of your emotions have been hurt. You need to take a time out. What do we do with kids when they get over emotional? Give them a time out right? That is what we need to do with ourselves when we come into conflict with anyone; take a time out. Step away, get away, clear your head. And then talk again once you are both cooled off. Trying to talk and reason with someone when angry is like trying to solve a complex math problem while you are drunk. It won't work. Your brain just isn't working correctly when you are angry. Anger clouds your judgment and you will just say a million things you will later regret saying. So get alone, go ride a bike, go for a run when you are angry, and talk again once you are calmed down.
"Don't sweep things under the rug. Open communication begins with getting things out in the open and not having them bottled up."
How many marriages end in divorce for this reason? The couple NEVER talks about anything and as a result, the love dies. When people say, "We just fell out of love." Yeah it's because you stopped talking to each other and hanging out with each other, that's how that happened.
Think of when you began and you were dating, you spent tons of time together and talked a lot yeah? That is how you "fell in love" yes? Then you got married, and he just watched TV and she always was out shopping or doing whatever and what happens? The two who were in love then become strangers. They don't know each other anymore and how can they if they never talk anymore? They both stopped giving any effort to keeping the love alive.
I heard once that we all have our jobs, but marriage is to be viewed at as our part time job. And God is our boss. :) Like it? Yes God cares about how we are with our spouses. He cares about how much we try to make them happy. He gave this person to us as a gift and he is watching to see if we are a good steward of what he gave us.
So be a good steward and spend time with your spouse. Invest in each other. Do things that would make them happy.
There is a book called the Love Dare. Buy that and try some of the things in it for suggestions. Don't stop talking to each other. Don't let the TV take over your marriage. Date like you did at the beginning and you will never "fall out of love." Amen? Amen :)
And if we are faithful in the small things God will bless us with bigger things. :)
"Be clear, honest and decisive with each other."
How often do people play games in marriage and relationships? Women especially are guilty of this, but men can do it too also in being sarcastic. That is a way of beating around the bush. You are angry but don't want to say you are. You want to talk about something but you bring it up indirectly through sarcasm. Better to just say how you feel, clearly, so the problem can get resolved.
And ladies, don't expect him to read your mind. If you need something, tell him. If you are hurt about something, tell him what it is and why and that hurt you.
When things are kept secret that is when bitterness and resentment start to fester. That is when Satan starts to work. He loves things that are kept in the darkness. But bring it into the light.
If you think about it, it only really affects YOU when you are angry about something but won't talk about it. It eats you up inside, gives you headaches, makes you tense.
Holding a grudge against that person does nothing to them, despite the lies Satan feeds you that it is in some way hurting them. It's not. They may have no idea that you have this inner turmoil and suffering going on. And how can they know if you don't tell them? Be honest with your spouse. Share whatever is on your heart. Forgive, let go, and be totally open. And move past it.
Amen. I often think of the part of 1 Cor. 13 "Love keeps no record of wrongs." But HOW OFTEN do we do just that? We remember every mean thing that was ever said to us by someone and bring it up in every argument with them.
My husband and I just got to go a cruise, kind of a delayed honeymoon thing, thanks mom! :) And there was this show on there, "The Game of Love." A guy who had been married 48 years advised the guy who had just gotten married, "If she tries to fight with you don't fight back, because she will remember EVERYTHING you say." haha and isn't that the truth. :) Common women you know you do.
But if we want to have success in our marriages we need to look at the future, not the past. The funny thing about the past is, you can't do ANYTHING about it, right? If they already said they were sorry for that one thing, quit bringing it up. Makes sense yeah? I have failed on this many times though myself. It is hard to not hold onto things. It's hard to forgive and actually let things go, to actually forget about them. But God removes our sins from us as far as the east is from the west. He never brings them up again. If he seems to that is Satan doing that, bringing up our old sins, not God. Once we have confessed something, it's gone! Praise Jesus! :) So why can't we do the same with each other?
Our flesh. That is the answer. We are constantly warring against the flesh and spirit. If you feed the spirit you will be able to walk in the spirit better. But if you feed the flesh, by dwelling on ways people have hurt you, you will walk in the flesh a lot easier, sadly. So the choice is yours. Will you walk in the Spirit and fix your eyes on the future? Or will you follow your flesh and keep bringing up the past? May God be with us in this. :) Amen :)
(man I wish I could publish all this in a book someday. Someday....lol I just might be the author of relationship and spiritual growth books who knows :) God's will be done.)
Of course marriage requires a lot of compromise. If you really love someone, their opinion will matter to you. You are a team, so communicate and act like a team. If you want something done or you want to do something, try to say why you do and help the other person understand.
This was the best rule I heard of from the author of the Love and Respect books. Believe that your spouse has good intentions at all times. Once you start to think that they are out to get you or that they don't really care, you have lost the battle in your mind and a fight with that person is inevitable. Don't go there in your mind. Always believe that they do care, even if they don't always act like it. Granted sometimes they will only care about themselves because we are all fallen, depraved human beings, but for the most part, they do care about you because they love you.
I love the quote, "The best thing you can do for your spouse is grow in your relationship with God." And isn't that true? God is our source of love. The more we are connected to God, the better we will be able to love our spouse and anyone we know. The more we are in tune with God, the more we will be able to see things positively and with hope.
Another good quote is, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Also, "Do not give the key to your happiness to other people." If we are letting someone else bring us down, it is because we are LETTING them.
No one can have power over you unless you let them have power over you. That is a good rule to remember in any situation with anyone. We choose to give people the power to make us feel ashamed or embarrassed or anything like that. It is all in the mind.
If we focus on what God thinks of us rather than what others think of us, we will generally have more success in life and relationships.
God says we are valuable and loved and cherished. Therefore, it doesn't matter what other people say or think. Why would an ant's opinion matter in comparison with the God of the universe? It doesn't. Fear God, not man. "Fear of man proves to be a snare" but "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Amen? Don't let others have power over you. God is your master and Lord, not other people.
Something to think about, if you do let people have power over you or if you allow them to control you, they have become an idol for you. They have become your god.
(dramatic music please lol :)
I love the concept that if we respect others, they will respect us. This is almost always true. The only reason someone might not be respecting us is because we first did not respect them. Or it might be that someone else did not respect them so then they do not show us respect. That happens too. But generally if we are kind to others, they will be kind to us.
If we disrespect our spouse or anyone, we are only giving them ammunition, as in we are only starting a war. Disrespect breeds disrespect. We can't sow disrespect and expect to not reap disrespect in return. "Do to others as you would have them do unto you." Why? Because they will probably do to you as you do to them.
So treat your spouse or others with respect and they, most likely, will respect you back. :)
Yes, there is nothing that relieves tension better than humor. Poking fun at each other can help if it is said with a smile. Guys have this mastered. If you ever see guys interact they are making fun of each other all the time, but as long as everything is said with a smile it is ok.
Why do they do this? To make each other less sensitive I suppose. Women could probably learn from this practice. But that is why women are generally more sensitive and take things more personally because we don't do this. We don't learn to take ourselves with a grain of salt. We all need to learn to not take ourselves too seriously. We need to learn to laugh at ourselves more. :)
May God be with you! Peace to you :)
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