I have written my testimony out about 10 times or so, but every time I do I see different things so that is cool. As I grow in my recovery and go to various groups I see more of why I am the way I am and why I do the things I currently do. And for any that were abused, go to groups and get help BEFORE you turn to alcohol or drugs to numb your pain. Praise God I never became an alcoholic or into drugs because I have sought help from others and gone to lots of groups to help me with my pain and wounds from the past. Get help. And admit you need help. Because we all do. And we all have wounds that we need to get healing from so that we will not act out in destructive ways, either self-destructive or other destructive. :)
I'm going to Celebrate Recovery a second time at a church by me. I have been working on myself and my recovery really ever since I was 6 and my dad went to jail for sexually molesting me. I have done countless hours of counseling, several support groups and now Celebrate Recovery. There are symptoms of abuse that most don't tie to their abuse but they can be related, such as pent up anger and angry outbursts. 3 years ago I went to Celebrate Recovery because of fights and anger issues I had with my husband. Now what made me want to go again is my anger towards my cute little two year old. Every mother gets angry at their kids from time to time but I still feel bad when I do. I want to be more patient with her and have a better friendship with her so I'm going to Celebrate Recovery again. I know from lots of abuse books that I have read that abuse victims tend to have a lot of pent up anger. For good reason, anger is a person's natural response to abuse. But most of us can't chew out the person who abused us so that anger comes on everyone we currently are around in various ways. It's possible some of the things I have written have been a sub-conscious way of me venting my anger, even though they were unrelated to my abuse. I tend to have a cussing problem when text fighting with my hubby which is probably also due to the pent up anger from my abuse.
Tonight was testimony night at Celebrate Recovery, which I always love, and it made me want to write out my testimony again. For those who don't know, every other week someone shares their testimony, which is great. No other group at church does something like that. The honesty and openness is CR is for sure rare and awesome to see. Praise God for Celebrate Recovery! If you're interested, just google Celebrate Recovery and your city and you will be able to find a church that has it, most likely.
How people always start out is, "Hi my name is Lisa and I struggle with: firstly perfectionism..." like I always feel I have to have the cleanest house on the face of the planet, anger, due to my abuse, anxiety, probably also due to that, and feelings of insecurity and being less than others, grief from my fiancé dying three years ago due to drinking too much, spending issues and greed. I've always had a hard time buying things I don't need and using stuff like alcoholics use alcohol to make me feel better if I'm sad about something. I should turn to God, but instead I often turn to shopping for something to feel better.
My goal in CR is to not speak in anger toward my daughter and to have self control with my words when I'm feeling stressed out.
And my testimony is that I am the youngest child. I have an older brother 4 years older than me. I actually was jealous of my older brother most of my childhood life. He had trouble in school and so got all the attention I felt, and I was like the forgotten child. I got straight A's and so no one worried about me much, even though what happened with my dad happened.
I was raised in church. I wasn't officially saved till 14 though, and then I was because of my grandmother's influence in my life. She was an outstanding Christian woman and I wanted to be like her and follow in her footsteps as much as I possibly could. She was pretty much like Mother Theresa. In my eyes she was anyways. :) She took things to orphanages in Mexico and took bread to homeless people. She was literally a witness to almost every single person she came in contact with almost her whole life. I can't imagine how many people will be in heaven because of her. A lot I'm sure. :) So I really, really looked up to her a lot.
I felt neglected a lot as a child and very invisible. I realized recently that I only remember one conversation with my mom before I was 14. She was pretty much always at church or shut up in her room. I just never ever remember interacting with her. Of course she had good reason to be so reclusive given what my dad did, but it felt like I grew up without a mom most of my childhood life. So since I didn't seem to have any attention from my mom I sought it at school. I was a straight A student and I wanted my teachers to notice me and give me the positive affirmation all kids need. I tried every sport that I could. I appeared to be the good church girl and do all the right things. But then in Junior high I rebelled and went the other way. I got into trouble in any way I could like smoking, drinking, shoplifting, vandalizing property etc. As most kids who don't get positive attention then seek to get negative attention. It was all just a cry for someone to notice me. Luckily when we moved by my grandma at 14 she noticed me and I didn't need to seek out negative attention anymore from police, teachers etc. lol So to any of you dealing with a hard kid, just sit down and talk to them. Notice them. Compliment them. And I guarantee their behavior will improve. Don't wait for them to be better before you befriend them, befriend them first. Amen.
Another thing that messed me up really was I had 8 big moves in my life so I lost a lot of friends at each move. I have felt disconnected a lot and have been the new person in a new city many, many times, which has always been hard. There is Facebook but that isn't the same as actually hanging out with friends. But a good thing about moving so much is that I have met tons of people in tons of different cities, so that has been cool too. :)
And lastly the greatest and best coping skill that has gotten me though all of that was writing. Which is why I still write so much today. I started journaling when I was about 9 I think, because I always had to keep a journal in my English classes. I still have a box of my tons of journals from age 9 through my 20's. It's always helped me a lot to write things out. So if you struggle with anything from your past or present, try writing about it. Start a blog. :) It will proabably help you a lot too. Thanks for reading and hopefully this helped some of you out there.
May God bless you all!
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