I am therapeutically writing about all the most important people in my life. The last most significant relationship in my life was my ex husband. We were married for 7 years. There was magic at the beginning for us. I messaged him through a dating website, plenty of fish.com. He called me and read to me some poems he had written about God saving America. I cried while he was reading it but he couldn't hear me. I was thinking "Wow I finally found a Christian guy, and a writer like me! Amazing!" We met for lunch the next day. I felt like he seemed really awkward and nervous so I wasn't sure about him overall, but I could tell he had a very good heart. Our next meet up was at his apartment. We made out, a lot. :) He lifted his hand up at one point and said "We need a minister!" lol So I took him seriously and said, "Ok let's get married." We got married a week later. :) It seems rushed, but I felt like I knew he was the one. He was everything I had ever wanted in a guy. He was super tall, in great shape, a great smile, basketball player, pretty eyes, a writer, Christian, funny, a good driver and just generally very nice. At least he seemed nice at first. He had his own apartment. He seemed perfect. The ONLY problem was that he was Pentecostal and I was raised Baptist. I realized this about a month after we were married. If you are Christian, you know Baptists and Pentecostals pretty much hate each other, sadly, due to disagreements over the spiritual gifts. So we struggled with that almost our Entire 7 years of marriage. He always wanted me to pray in tongues. I thought praying in tongues was stupid, which is quite funny since now I pray in tongues. I got the gift about a year before we separated. I thought he would be happy I finally got tongues, but instead he went crazy after that. I don't know if it was religious jealousy that made him crazy or what. Because before I got it, he always thought he was better then me because he prayed in tongues, but then we became on the same level. Maybe he couldn't handle that, I don't know.
He always saw Christians who prayed in tongues as "anointed" and "spirit filled" and about 20 times better then other Christians. He prided himself on his self-perceived elevated status a LOT our entire marriage. But then I had the gift and he wasn't special anymore. I started making tons of You Tube teaching videos, like mini sermons. He liked them all, but I think he was secretly jealous that I had so much time to do things like that for God. I was a stay at home mom, so I had lots of time to do things like that. He worked 60 hours a week to provide for us and our two daughters, so he had little free time. But I think it wasn't just about time but also courage. I had the courage to do that and he didn't. He was scared of almost everything and anything, our entire marriage. He had tons of social anxiety. So I think he mainly became jealous of my confidence toward the end of our marriage. He started considering me his enemy. I never could figure out why. He always thought I was cheating on him, which I never did. I think he was simply pushing me away because he felt he didn't deserve me anymore. He complained to his mom and younger sister about me All the time, even though there wasn't much to complain about, but he would make up stuff about me.
Now he is living with his mom. He has wanted me back, but I am done. I have never been so betrayed by anyone in my life. I have never had someone gossip about me so much and turn so many people against me. He even turned my own mom and older brother against me, so when he left me I literally had No One except my best friend Ashley on my side. I think it would be impossible for me to ever love him or trust him again. Totally impossible. God keeps telling me he is still crazy and that he will always be crazy. I don't know why, but it is what it is.
To any who have been through a divorce, I just want to say, I know how you feel and don't feel guilty. Sometimes divorces are necessary just so you can have peace. Don't stay in a toxic relationship if you know you shouldn't. You deserve to have peace.
God bless!
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