I have been hurt by guys a lot. But I have also hurt guys a lot. I know with my first true love at age 25 I took a lot of the anger I had at my dad out on him. My dad sexually abused me for 6 years as a kid. I also had a lot of anger at my step dad. My step dad used to always check me out, like he would look at my boobs any time I was around him. I had never wanted my mom to marry him but she did anyways. She wouldn't listen to me and I've been pissed about that for the past 17 years honestly. He was accused by his ex wife of molesting their son years ago. He always said she just made it up, but I was always unsure about him. He then was messing with my oldest daughter sexually about 2 years ago. She was 5 years old at the time. That was one reason for me and my ex husband divorcing, which is still in process. Granted he was mad that my step dad would do stuff like that. I was mad at my mom for being clueless that stuff was happening. It was when I was working and they were babysitting my daughters. My mom said he would go in a room with Serenity and the door would be shut. So I have been mad about her stupidity this past year and a half. If/when I have kids again I never again want either my mom or my step dad to be around my kids.
My dad is currently in prison. He has two more years to serve for molesting his step grandkids.
My ex husband got Schizophrenia and left me 1.5 years ago. My current boyfriend rented a room from me about a month after my ex moved out. He has been a good friend and has gotten me through this hard time. I might never see my two daughters again because essentially my ex in laws stole them from me.
But one reason I haven't gotten to see my daughters for a year is that I told my ex if I ever get the girls again I will make sure he and his parents never get to see them again, because they are totally crazy. My plan was to take my girls up to my brother's house in Nebraska, and they don't know where his place is. But I don't want to put that burden on Nate of either providing for us or babysitting so I can work. So I have made peace with letting go of my daughters, until they are 12 and they can decide which parent they want to live with. They are well cared for there in Odessa. They have each other at least. Please all, pray that the insanity that my ex and his mom have won't rub off on them at all. At least my ex's dad is sane and normal so that is good. My daughter, ex and his parents all live together. Mainly it's just that Ben and his mom have tons of anxiety. They seem mostly normal, but they just worry incessantly about anything and everything and I just couldn't be around that anymore. A spirit of fear, they both have a hardcore issue with a spirit of fear.
I told my ex about a month before he moved out, "I give up. I don't know how to help you." He was scared of everything. He thought his phone was getting hacked. He thought cars were following him everywhere he went and that people were trying to kill him. Any time I prayed about it God was telling me it was all just in his head and he was just paranoid. He couldn't work anymore cuz his paranoia got too strong. I was thinking all of us could have lived with his parents but his parents blame me for him going crazy and it seems they hate me. I have no idea why. It wasn't my fault. Other then me spending too much money, which may have been the straw that broke the camels back. But otherwise we had, what seemed like, a perfect marriage and a perfect family, but then Ben's brain just got broken for no reason. It came out of nowhere. It was like his arm randomly got cut off but it was like part of his brain got cut off. He is on meds now but God is telling me he will always be crazy.
Those 7 years before he went crazy were the happiest years of my life. I loved being a mom. I loved everything about my life. But Satan stole it all away from me. It was like a Job experience in the Bible where he lost everything. We had a perfect house, a perfect family and then the insanity storm just hit out of no where and I have been trying to recover from that this past year.
Another possible cause of Ben's insanity is that his ex wife cheated on him their whole 2 years of marriage. It made Ben go crazy when he was 27 so he had a relapse of insanity when he was with me. He couldn't help but assume that I would do the same thing to him. But I never ever cheated on him. I have never been cheated on, other then Ben looking at porn, so that has been nice. That is why I am generally as happy as I am.
And I am as happy as I am because I have always had God. God has gotten me through all these insane storms in my life. The waves have been choppy many times for me, but he has provided me with a strong boat so I wouldn't get shipwrecked. Praise God! :) I love him so much for getting me through all those times and that is why I would do anything for him, and I will do anything for him. I can't imagine having to get through all that without God.
If you don't know God, please get to know him. He loves you more then you will ever realize. You may think he doesn't care because he lets you suffer, but he does. God loves you very much!
May God bless you all!
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