My Life Story

My life has been quite difficult at times, but God has always taken care of me.  Here is my story:

          I was raised in the church and have been saved or believed in God for as long as I can remember. When I was 6 my dad molested me, which came as a shock to everyone.  He was, what seemed to be, a devoted follower of God.  He and my mom went to bible studies almost every night, they went door to door evangelizing, and we often had family Bible studies.  Most people have told me they would think seeing my dad's hyprocricy would lead me to hate God and the church, but on the contrary, it brought me closer to God. 

When God is all you have, you realize that he is all you need.   Since my biological father was not really a father I have always considered God to be my father since I was 6.

My parents officially divorced when I was 10 and that actually made me question my mom and her faith as well.  The Bible says that God hates divorce and I certainly pointed that out to her several times.  At the time I was quite angry about the divorce and as a result wanted nothing to do with God or church.  I snuck out a lot, lied to my mom, shoplifted, drank, smoke....all because I thought what do I have to live for now?  Why should I have goals?  For what reason should I try to be good when my family is already broken?
 

Then when I was 14 my mom and I moved to California from Nebraska.   She bought some Christian music at a Harvest Crusade for me and I listened to it a lot that summer.   I was listening to artists like Jennifer Knapp, Out of Eden, the Supertones and Audio Adrenalin.   The lyrics in their music really changed my concept of God and gave me hope for the future. 


Also, my grandma was quite adamant about getting me back on the right path.  She kept telling me, "You're special, and God has something for you to do that no one else can do."So I started to believe her.I started to think God really did care about me and maybe I would do great things someday.
 

Then in a service in a church that we started going to right by my school, Main Place Christian Fellowship, we were singing the song Shout to the Lord.  The lyrics to that song for some reason made the light come on for me.   Granted I had always believed in God and Jesus, but that was the moment when I was like, "Ok God, I recognize that you created everything and you are powerful and you are worthy of my respect, so I will do whatever you ask me to.   My life is yours.   Do with me what you want."


I started respecting my mom more.  I had goals and made good friends at school.  I was actually excited about life, and I had a joy and a peace that I had never really had before.  My high school years at Tustin High were the best years of my life!  :)
 

I then went on to Biola University and got my BA in English.   I taught Jr. High English one year and worked at a pre-school one year.   Then I worked with kids on a cruise ship for awhile and moved to Nebraska with my brother.

 

I did not know the details about what happened with my dad until my mom told me about 2 years ago.  To process it I wrote a book.  In that I wrestled with what happened to me, my family, and why God allows horrible things to happen to people.
 

Then about 9 months ago a guy I had been with for 2 years died out of nowhere.  Ironically he died right before we were going to start a family together.  He went out drinking one night with a co-worker, after not having drank for a year, and the mixture of the alcohol and the medications that he was on killed him.  I certainly then wanted to question how much God cared about me.  I was like, "God, why?  Why have you allowed so much bad stuff to happen to me?"
 

Most people, when faced with evil and pain, either decide that God is either not all powerful or that he is not all good.  I still believe both.  I know this life can be incredibly difficult sometimes because of free will.  We all chose to go our own way at times and therefore can mess things up for ourselves.  Ultimately though we all know that what is best is God's plan for us, and I still know that he has great plans for my life.


Some verses that helped me in this time of grieving:

"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
 

"Though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

This story actually does have a happy ending.   My life has seem to come full circle and God has sent another wonderful, Christian guy into my life.   We are married now and have a child on the way.   Praise God! 

"He gives and takes away...but my heart will still choose to say, Lord blessed be your name!" 
 

My grandma said to me after Roger died, "You know when God takes something away it's because He has something better for you." And he did. :)  Ben is so wonderful and I am so lucky to be with him.   He is an amazing gift from God. :)
 

God knows what he is doing, even though sometimes we can't see it. We just have to have faith that he will work things out, because he will. Amen? Amen. :)
 

May God bless you!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."