Here is my life story, for any who might be interested....
The main message of my story is that I was sexually abused as a child, but have recovered, by the grace of God, very well. I have been told many times that I am a walking miracle, because most people who went through what I did fall into an addiction of some kind. My story is that although I have had plenty of hurts in my life, God has held me together for the most part .
I grew up in a Christian home. My parents went door to door evangelizing all the time. They were at church almost every night of the week. But ironically when I was 6, my dad sexually molested me. In actuality he tried to rape me. He admitted to my mom later when he was in jail that if he hadn't been stopped he would have attempted incest with me eventually. He admitted that from the time I was a baby he was conditioning me in a sense to like him in that way. The kicker is that even after he admitted all this to my mom, she still reunited their marriage for a time, but eventually divorced him, praise God.
I had a friend who worked in mental health for 10 years. He told me how rare it is that someone's own father would do something like that to them. Usually a molest comes from someone outside the family or a more removed family member. But in my case, my own dad molested me. I only shared that when giving my story in public once before. It seemed too shameful to actually say that.
But the shame is not mine; it is my dad's. And I no longer consider him my father really, since he essentially gave up his right to be my father in doing that. Fathers are supposed to protect their children. He did the opposite of that.
And I know now that it was not my fault. I couldn't have done anything to prevent what happened. I was just a kid. I had to live there.
It took me about 3 years in counseling over the course of 16 years to realize that; that I was the victim. That I did not want what happened to me. That I was sinned against, but that I was and am still innocent. It’s amazing how those who molest others can try to convince them that they wanted what happened to them or that they brought it on themselves. They also try to convince others that the fault was not theirs. That is probably why most victims of abuse don’t want to talk about their sexual abuse, because they are confused about if they were really the victim or not.
The ironic thing about it all is that my mom and brother were convinced he was better now, that he would never do something like that again. They didn't get why I didn’t want to talk to him. But just a few months ago he was accused of molesting another little girl; quite sad but true. I made a video to testify against him in court since he somehow got what he did to me wiped off his record. That made me think of the verse "Vindication is mine’ says the Lord." I forgave my dad a long time ago and have not tried to take revenge in any way, but God will punish those who hurt us eventually.
After my dad, my brother also molested me twice, which has, needless to say, made things awkward for us ever since.
There was also an incident with a neighbor once.
So all this taught me that very few people could be trusted. That I needed to stay away from people, to isolate as much as I could. That I needed to control situations in the future so that they did not control me.
Despite my childhood and the hypocrisy of my dad I still grew up having a close relationship with God for the most part. I was raised in church, praise God, and always loved singing worship songs and going to Sunday school.
I started to head down the wrong path in junior high, but luckily my mom moved me out to California to be by her incredible and godly mom who steered me onto the right path.
In junior high I shoplifted, drank a bit, tried pot, smoked and had my first boyfriend at 12. I know it was all a way to forget about how broken and messed up our family was. My parents had divorced when I was 9, of course due to my dad molesting me, but that really did damage to me and my brother for a time. My mom's depression almost made her seem non-existent so my brother and I were left to run free and make lots of dumb decisions on our own. :)
But in high school when I was 14 I fully committed my life to God, told him I would go and do whatever he wanted me to. I went on a few missions trips, to India, Taiwan and Mexico which were pretty cool. I still messed up from time to time with relationships but for the most part stayed on the right path.
I went on to a private Christian college, Biola in L.A. but I never felt like I fit in with the kids there because of my past. Most of them had come from pretty healthy families and I always felt like I didn't belong there. But I finished and got a degree.
I was working in a group home awhile back and told the girls there that even though they came from broken homes or had hard childhoods like mine they could still achieve their dreams. My dream was always to get that degree, and God enabled me to.
As an adult, and as a result of my abuses, I have struggled with anger and control issues. I have read in recovery books that when our childhood is out of control we then want to try and control everything when we are adults. Or when we feel helpless as a child we decide we never want to feel that way again so we put up defenses in the form of control or anger or we simply isolate from the world.
I suppose I also have developed an addiction to worry or sometimes I have obsessive negative thoughts. I know that is why many people drink and do drugs, because they don't want to think about certain things. I often times have things pass through my mind that I wish I didn't. Whenever I'm alone the worried thoughts come in, usually relating to the person I am in a relationship with, that that person will leave or cheat or stop loving me or something like that. I know it's Satan and I should have power over these thoughts through Jesus, but sometimes it seems impossible.
I never was addicted to drugs or alcohol partly because I saw what it did in the lives of those closest to me so I stayed away from them for the most part.
My mom has had clinical depression my whole life, due to what my dad did obviously, so she has been on and off several anti-depressant drugs. I saw how horribly that affected her and learned my lesson from her to stay away from drugs, legal or illegal. I also saw my brother throw his life away due to smoking pot. He started when he was 16 and still hasn't stopped at 32. He actually recently got kicked out of the army for failing a drug test, which will change his future a lot I think.
But my life story does have a happy ending. God sent me an amazing Christian man that I am now married to and we have a kid on the way. Praise God. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. :) So don’t lose heart in your own life if it seems like everything is going wrong. God will work it out for the good. Just give it time.
My mom has turned out to be a wonderful Christian woman and a great mentor in my life now. She has really come a long way on her own road to recovery. For years she was leading a co-dependency group at a Celebrate Recovery at her church, which I think helped her a lot to care more about herself. About 9 years ago she remarried a great Christian guy and they are very happy together now. Seeing them gave me hope that marriage can be great and that things can work out for the good even if they start bad.
So I'm trusting that God will work my life out for the good. I know in many ways He already is.
He certainly has blessed me a lot by bringing my husband into my life. Joyce Meyer always says that God will give us a double blessing for our former trouble, and He certainly has in my life in many ways.
In closing, here are some verses that really have given me hope over the years;
Romans 8:28 "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
1 Peter 1:6-7 "Though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
Phil. 4:13 "I can do All things through Christ who strengthens me."
Romans 8:37 "In all these things we are More than conquerors through him who loved us."
2 Cor. 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
And I know that someday everything will be better, because Jesus said, "If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also." And in heaven "God will wipe away every tear from (our) eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." Rev. 21:4
I hope God has used my story to help some of you and to give you hope.
God bless :)
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