Sexual Abuse

 I have had lots of baggage throughout my life from being sexually abused. For years I didn't even like walking around Wal-Mart, because I thought all the guys were lusting after me. Maybe they were. 😂 But it probably also was paranoia. I have always had a hard time just staying friends with guys. It is like everything has to become sexual at some point. Like I think men only want sex from me and nothing else. 

There is a great church program I used to go to. Maybe I should check it out again. It was called Celebrate Recovery. I used to say I was there to deal with my anger. Any time sexual abuse happens you have a ton of pent up anger. Some of that anger probably is at God, but mostly at yourself and your abuser and people in your family who you felt should have known. I have had a ton of anger at my mom for most of my adult life for marrying my dad. I have never understood how she just couldn't see how insane he was. When I looked back at old pictures I can see it in his eyes in every picture. The insanity. How could she have been so naive? 

I see that all the time now with women. They are stuck with idiot guys and they just don't see how much of an idiot he is. And that is called love. 😲

Anyways an epiphany I just had is that you can have love without sex. I think that kind of love can be more beautiful because you both expect nothing from each other. You just love them just to love them. You get no benefit other then the joy of caring about someone. It can be called unrequited love. But if they care about you and you care about them it is beautiful. You don't have to do something with the person you love. You can just love them at a distance. 

To some of you this will make perfect sense. ☺ Go find a person to love and help and expect nothing in return. 😀