Jokes

 I got new glasses awhile ago. I tried them on and told the lady they were crooked. She said, "No you're face is crooked." 😱😪

I was always worried about having kids and them getting my hair. It gets tangled easily. Then I had two daughters and the only way I could get their hair brushed was to chase them around brushing it. They kept running away from me. 

I would take my daughters to get groceries with me. My 5 year old girl would take off running up and down the aisles. People would look at me as if to say, "Can't you control your child?" I would want to tell them, "Nope, no I cannot." She was a wild stallion. 

When I was a kid I would punch my brother in the arm if I got mad at him. He would laugh and say, "Is that all you got? That tickles." I would get so mad my head could have exploded. 

Every time I see the rolls in my neck I realize I need to lose weight. But then I think, what if I loose weight and the rolls are still there? Then what's the point of loosing the weight? 😣

Quitting coffee is like trying to quit smoking. Do you know how many times I have quit coffee? Too many times. Coffee has caused me to have 22 cavities and yet I still drink it. That and puking my guts out in all 3 of my pregnancies. If you ever consider getting pregnant, don't do it.... 😁

My ex-husband told me I needed to wear more make up. I should have said, "Then what will you do for me if I wear make up for you?" Nothing is what he would have done. That's why he is my Ex-husband. 😒

An ex-boyfriend went to a strip club one night. I should have dumped his sick little idiot self. Instead I went and got a new car to make sure I was never dependent on that no good cheating little son of a biscuit. 

Years ago, my cat had kittens in my neighbor's backyard. I probably should have knocked on their front door and asked if I could get my kittens. Nope I just opened their gate and went in their backyard to get them. The entire time I was looking at all their windows thinking, "Please don't shoot me." 😟

Another neighbor was having a party and bumping their music until 1am one night. I flew paper airplanes in their backyard that said, "Turn your music down." Finally I had the police tell them to be quiet. They probably hated me after that but at least it worked. 😀

I bet most people wonder like I do if Joel Osteen has read the whole Bible. Sorry Joel, but here is a verse that Joel Osteen has possibly never read, "I did not come to bring peace to the world but a sword." 

A verse that Joyce Meyer maybe has not read, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes." 1 Peter 3:3

A verse that every supposed healing preacher probably has not read, "Do not think of yourself more highly then you ought to." 

A verse that most Charismatic church people have probably not read, "God is a God of order, not disorder." 

 A verse that any health and wealth preacher likes to ignore, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven." 

Benny Hinn, I could say a lot about Benny. His ego was the size of the Empire State Building. His methods of healing looked like electric shock treatments. His singing sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Yet people flocked to him. Why? He promised healings. Here is my song for Benny Hinn, "You gave me promises promises, knew you'd never keep..." 

Here is a verse TD Jakes may not have seen, "Be not among gluttonous eaters of meat." Is he a gluttonous eater of meat? I don't know but he sure looks like he is. 😣

My mom told me the way I drive makes her nauseous. I like to think of my driving more like a fun roller coaster ride. ☺

I did pizza delivery for about 3 years. Some of the houses out in the country I was scared to walk up to. Every horror movie I had seen would flash before my eyes. I imagined the scariest looking person answering the door. They were usually normal looking people though. 

One guy tipped me $50. I was driving away from his house thinking, "Do I need to do something in exchange for that tip? No, no I do not." 😂

After Covid started, one house had caution tape all around it and over it. I was thinking, "Ok either every person that lives there has Covid or a homicide happened there recently." 

One winter it snowed a lot. I was running up to those houses in the snow wishing I had snow boots. But no, I just stayed soaking wet the entire night out there delivering those pizzas. I think I should have gotten an award for that. 

My car was sliding on the icy streets like it was an ice rink. Needless to say I was scared to drive that day. Then the first house didn't tip me. I went back and told my manager, "Turn off the deliveries. They don't appreciate us enough!" 

I hit a deer one day while on a delivery. To make myself feel better about that situation, I visualized myself driving around shooting deer from out of my car with a hand gun. 😁