Family Jokes

 This morning I woke up and could barely walk. Some of you ladies know how that is. I was ovulating and when that happens it's a very similar pain to child labor. Your hips feel like they got kicked repeatedly the night before. I hobbled over to my baby and gave him his bottle and then hobbled over to the fridge for an ice pack. Usually that is the best solution for the pain. You men act like you're so tough. No. You try having women pains for a day and then see how tough you are. It is like hell on earth. 

I would take my daughters to get groceries with me. My 5 year old girl would take off running up and down the aisles. People would look at me as if to say, "Can't you control your child?" I would want to tell them, "Nope, no I cannot." She was a wild stallion. 

When I was a kid I would punch my brother in the arm if I got mad at him. He would laugh and say, "Is that all you got? That tickles." I would get so mad my head could have exploded. 

Years ago, my cat had kittens in my neighbor's backyard. I probably should have knocked on their front door and asked if I could get my kittens. Nope I just opened their gate and went in their backyard to get them. The entire time I was looking at all their windows thinking, "Please don't shoot me." 😟

Another neighbor was having a party and bumping their music until 1am one night. I flew paper airplanes in their backyard that said, "Turn your music down." Finally I had the police tell them to be quiet. They probably hated me after that but at least it worked. 😀

In some apartments I lived in there was a party going on in the apartment under my apartment. They kept going outside on their deck and being super noisy. I went out on my deck and told them to quiet down. We needed to sleep. They kept being loud so I poured a bowl of water on their heads. They got quiet after that. 😁

You know why we all get fat so easily? Some of us use food like a sleeping pill. Some use food to get high like on sugar. Some use food like alcohol if they are sad. Some use food to calm down if they are mad. Some use food in place of sex like chocolate. If it's a party, we eat. If it's a funeral, we eat. Eating seems to help with every feeling that we have. If we are feeling lonely, we eat. If other people are around us stressing us out, we eat. And we wonder why the average American is 50 pounds overweight. 

Two of my speeding tickets were around a college campus. I wanted to tell the cop, "There are no children running around here. How does this count as a school zone?" 

I used to speed 15 miles per hour over the speed limit on the freeway. Everyone does in California. But I would feel so sinful doing it. Maybe because I could have died if I got in a wreck going that fast. I always felt God telling me to ease up on that gas pedal. Did I ease up on it. Nope. 😒

My first time driving on the freeway I told my mom I was going to the gas station to get snacks. I only had my permit at the time. No I just kept on driving and went to the beach. It was the most empowering feeling in my life, driving far by myself for the first time. I was on top of the world! 😁

I like to drink a lot. Of water. I like to chew a lot. Of gum. I like to play cards and dance. Yep. And I love movies but wholesome movies are the best. You know if you watch crazy movies they might make you go crazy? Yeah be careful of that. 

The first time I smoked I was about 12. A bit young I know. But there is nothing else to do in Nebraska besides piss your parents off by smoking too young. 

One summer day when I was 13 I drank a lot of beer with my friend. We had a few older friends that liked to drink. That day we had a softball game. Did we stay home like we should have? Nope we went to our game drunk. I think we still played ok. 😀

The first time I got wasted drunk was on my 13th birthday. My brother's friend gave us all tons of alcohol. That night I threw up all over my blanket. I promised myself I would never ever get that drunk again. And I never did.