Goals

 To buy a new red car. 

To work 12 hour days with my 2 jobs just to see if I can do it. :)

To make the most friends I have ever had and keep them forever. 

To enjoy my life. 

To reunite my family at some point. 

My Apartment

 I am so excited about my new apartment! I got approved and I will move in tomorrow. Everything just fell into place today like dominos. I went to tour two complexes this morning. One was on the south side of town and one more north. I liked the one more north. The area is perfect! I will be close to work. The apartment has new carpet and a fireplace. I couldn't be more excited about it! The price is awesome too! Only $620 a month. You can't find that price very many places. I feel like an official adult now. :) This was my first time getting an apartment by myself. I am a bit in shock that I actually did it. :) Thank you God! 

What You Deserve

What do you think you can have? Do you only take what you think you deserve? What if you deserve a LOT more then what you have now? But you can't receive it, because you think you don't deserve any better. Do you only take the crumbs when you could eat the steak? Eat the steak. 

"Anything good you can have, if you believe you can. Believe that you have already received it and it is yours." -Denzel Washington

So often we stay stuck in a prison because we don't see the light of day outside. We never open up a window and see what else we could have. We stay stuck in our dark rooms and shut up and shut in within ourselves. We think we deserve to suffer. We don't realize there is a giant beautiful and daring world out there that we can enjoy. We just have to step outside and SEE it. What are you wanting to see? Go see it. Live your dream. Jump off the diving board. Get in the water. Live. 

What is your dream? 

On a side note look up Noel and Light of the World by Lauren Daigle. Best Christmas songs ever written. :) 

Questions for God

 God why am I here in Odessa? Because I want you to have a close proximity to your kids even if you never get to see them.

When do you want me to go back to Florida? There is nothing for you there. 

Do you want me to get an apartment in Odessa? They are all too run down, but you might find one you would be happy at, but you need help and no one will help you. Oh well. 

Do you ever want me to go to CA? There is nothing for you there. 

Why did you lead me to work at Saltgrass? Your future husband is there. 

What do you want me to do with Crossroads church? Lead it, or part of it. :) Maybe a Bible study. 

Would they ever let me preach at that church? Maybe at a women's breakfast type event. 

Where do you want me to live? I love this hotel for you. It is anointed. And very safe. 

Tell me something about Eric? He is not the one, but you can always be good friends with him via texting or in person. :)

When is the rapture? I haven't decided yet. 

Why did I loose my house? All good things comes to an end eventually. Accept it. 

Will I ever get to buy another house? Maybe with Eric, as friends, in a year. 

Thank you God for all you have blessed me with! .....You deserve it. 

Do you talk to God like that? If not, you should. You're life would be a lot more blessed if you do. :)

My New Life

 I got a great job at the Saltgrass here in town today! It is right by my extended stay hotel. The location is perfect. This area is probably the nicest area of Odessa. I am so happy to be here! I was thinking of working at Papa John's again here but my car needs a break after being driven for 30 days straight all over the states. :) Poor Pugsley lol. 

I am so happy to be back here! It feels like home again, just like it used to. This area was my home for 3 years about 7 years ago. I have a lot of really fun memories here. 

I love the church here called Crossroads. The service was SO COOL this morning. Maybe someday I can help lead worship there. Who knows. :) Hands down today was the best church experience of my life! The worship songs were all my favorite songs. The sermon was about how God goes after the underdogs. How he can use anyone and he can call anyone. Amen.

I might get in some small groups at that church. That would be great. I think mostly though I will find my closest friends at my new job. I remember at Papa John's how much that felt like my family and I made the closest friends of my life there. I will miss them a lot and it's hard to start over, but I think this will be a very happy and comfortable place for me to stay forever. My hotel has a free breakfast, so that is a huge plus. I hate cooking for myself, unless it's frozen pizza lol.  

I think I could be happy here for a very long time, and hopefully I will get to see my daughters soon. May God bless you all. : )

Grace

 The more messed up a person Knows that they are, the more grace they can give to others when they mess up. But if you think you are perfect, you will never forgive anyone for anything, which means.....you might never go to heaven. And that is the ugly truth. Perfect people might end up in hell. Surprise! All the people who know they are messed up will end up in heaven and the seemingly perfect ones could end up in hell. 

Which category are you in? Do you think you are perfect? Why do you think that? No one is perfect. No one has their stuff together completely. 

Why don't you forgive whoever it is you are mad at? Why don't you let it go? Are you perfect? No, so why can you be mad at them for falling short of perfection? 

Let it go. Be free. Evil spirits be gone from whoever is reading this right now in the name of Jesus! Praise God. Thank you God for our deliverance. Thank you for setting us free from evil spirits. Thank you for saving us and cleaning us up. Thank you for your grace to us and help us to be more gracious with others. 

God Talking to Me

 "Delight yourself in the Lord and he shall give you the desires of your heart."

My desires have changed about 30 different times in the last month. A month ago I realized that I was finally loosing my house. It had been in foreclosure for literally 2 years. I was very lucky that I got to keep it as long as I did. It was partly due to Covid. I knew this day was coming, but I didn't know when, so it was still a shock. I talked to the man who bought my house and said I would be moved out within a week. I remember my face feeling so hot and being in panic mode. I called my mom and older brother and best friend about it. I asked each of them if I could live with them. My mom simply said no. My brother said he was moving, and my best friend said her apartment was messy. I didn't know what I was going to do. I thought I only had about $600 to my name. I had enough money to make it from Austin to CA to go live with my best friend. So I set out on my trip. I hoped that she would let me live with her. She didn't say yes or no about me staying with her. I got to Midland, Texas and booked a nice hotel. I was hoping my ex would bring our daughters to come visit me. I had high hopes that they would come. Instead he made up tons of excuses about why he couldn't come there. Then I called my bank to check my balance. It was way more then I expected. I realized I had gotten a stimulus check finally. Praise God! I stayed another night at a different hotel. My ex husband still refused to come talk to me or meet me for dinner. So the next morning I started driving toward CA. About an hour down the road I felt God say to me, "If you love Eric, you will turn around and go to Florida." I pulled over and thought carefully about that. I debated about that with God for a bit. I said to God, "But he is mad at me." God repeated, "If you love Eric, you will go to Florida." We had just broken up a few days before. After we did though I cried my eyes out because I missed him so much. 

I turned my car around and headed to Florida. God told me to drive straight there. It was about a 20 hour drive. I said, "God that's crazy. I can't drive straight there." He said, "If you don't, I'm afraid you will just plop down somewhere and not want to leave." And what did I end up doing? I did just that. I plopped down in Destin, Florida and stayed there for 10 days. I was 8 hours away from my final destination where Eric was. I even got a job at a Papa John's there and started working. I was afraid to see Eric again. I knew he was mad at me. In that time he met another woman. He texted me after he met her and sent me pictures of her. I was thinking, "What? How did he get her? She is gorgeous." But I figured he was happy and kept working. 

Then a few days later God told me to drive down to West Palm Beach and finish my long journey. I fought with God again about it. He told me to go though, so I went. I drove from 5pm until 3am to get there. When I arrived in West Palm Beach I was shaking from the adrenaline of driving for so long, and too much coffee. I checked into a hotel and texted Eric that I was nearby him. We text fought for an hour the next day. Then finally he said, "What is the address of your hotel?" He drove over to meet me. We had such a wonderful time. The sex was amazing. Talking to him was wonderful. He got hungry and left around 2am. I started crying because I thought I might never see him again. The next morning he said I could crash at his mom's condo for a week. I didn't want to just live with him for a week. I wanted to be his wife forever. So I said I was heading up north for my East coast road trip. On the way I asked if he would want to hang out in Saint Augustine. He said no but a trip to Orland would be fun. So we met in Orlando. We stayed at a hotel two nights and had fun driving all over Orlando. It was so nice to be around him again. 

The second night we went to a bar. He kept complaining about his drink and trying to send it back. This annoyed me to no end. I have worked in customer service my whole life and I hate when people do that. I showed my annoyance and told him to call the other woman he was interested in. He left that night to go back to Miami and I drove up to Georgia the next day. He texted me when I got up there and said he was going to make babies with this other woman. I didn't know if he was serious or he just said that to make me jealous. I don't think I have ever felt so much emotional pain in my life. I almost deleted his number. 

The next morning I talked to the lady at the counter about my situation. I asked for her advice. She said, "Go where the Holy Spirit leads you." So I went south again back to Florida. I tried to text Eric but he said he was depressed and to just leave him alone. I said ok. He said, "Just GO." My plan was to go back to Odessa. So I went. But then I felt a pull to go back to Florida when I got back to Texas. God told me, "Eric needs you. Go back to Ocala." I literally just ignored God this time and still drove to Odessa. I stayed there 2 nights, hoping to visit with my daughters. On Thanksgiving day God told me to go to Florida. Now I am plopped down in San Antonio just thinking. Eric is mad at me again. He doesn't seem to want me to come back to Florida. I think because he wants me to live in the city where my daughters are, in Odessa. But I want to be with him in Florida. I don't know what to do. I plan to just stay here until he asks me to come to Florida. Or maybe I'll just go and get a hotel and a job in Orlando and when he wants to see me, he can come up there. Or I can get settled in Odessa and maybe he will fly or drive there to be with me. 

To sum that all up, it is so hard to be in love. Part of me wishes I never met Eric, because then I wouldn't feel this constant longing for him. But we have had lots of really good times, and I hope we will have more fun in the future. May God bless him and us being together someday again. If you are reading this Eric, I love you very much and I'm very sorry for any pain I caused you. 

The Golden Rule

"Do to others what you would have them do to you." I remember 5 months ago I was down to only $40. I told my friend about it. He didn't seem to care. He could have loaned me money but he didn't. Now he is somewhat broke and I probably should care, but I am choosing not to. Personally, I see that as having good boundaries. If you make yourself broke, then you can make yourself unbroke too. 

It is hard to treat people differently then how they treated you. Karma is real. We always reap what we sow. What goes around comes around. If you want others to be generous to you, then be generous to them. If you want respect from others, then respect them. Give what you want. Just because you don't want it now, you might want it later. Always think of the future. Sow good things now, do good now, so that later you can reap a reward. 

Why Being Single is Best

 Overall, I am happy to be single now because...

My ex almost always insulted my appearance. I never was pretty enough for him. Mostly I didn't care, but part of me was hurt about that.

I can do anything I want to whenever I want to. 

I only have to worry about feeding myself. 

I can live in any city I want to and I don't have to consult anyone about it. 

I can worship God in any way at any time. 

I can sleep anytime I want to. 

:)

Hotels

 Tonight is my 20th night in a hotel. I started in Austin and drove to Odessa. Then I went alllll the way to Destin, Florida and settled there for a week. Then I drove south to West Palm Beach to make amends with my ex, then over to Orlando and we had fun going to downtown Disney there. Then I went up to Georgia, but the next day back down to Ocala because I didn't want to leave my ex bf in Florida. He told me to get myself back to Odessa. So then I drove up through Alabama, which was beautiful. I stayed in Memphis one night, then drove through Arkansas finally. My lifelong dream was to drive through there. It was gorgeous. Then I drove south through Dallas again and over to Odessa. I stayed in Odessa two nights. I just drove to San Antonio, thinking I might go back to Florida. But I think my permanent home will be in Odessa where my daughters are. I probably should have just stayed there when I was there 3 weeks ago, but the adventures I went on were very fun. :) And after all that I am quite tired and ready to settle in one place for sure. 

I never saw myself living the nomadic lifestyle like that, but it has been interesting and fun. My car has held up ok so that has been nice. It has 212,000 miles on it and the check engine light is on. The fact that I got to do that much with my car is a total miracle. Good job Pugsley. :) I am glad I got the repairs done on it that I did a few months ago. Thank you Papa John's for making that happen for me. 

I think my traveling days have finally come to an end. I am somewhat sad about it but also relieved. For the past 2 years I have wanted to settle in the city where my daughters are. I have been away from them for too long. Almost every night I see one or both of them in my dreams and I wake up feeling sad that they are not with me. I miss being a mom. I miss my girls. I miss how cute they were and having them to take care of. I hope I get the opportunity again to be around them a lot. I know as they get older having their mom around would be nice. 

When I was age 10 to 25 my mom was my best friend. We were so close it was crazy. I miss having that bond with her, but we all have to grow up at some point and branch out on our own. It can be scary to do that, but staying a kid forever is silly too. Driving through Texas I really wanted to just go back to Austin and live with my mom for awhile, but it is weird having a step dad. I wish so much that my parents would have stayed together forever. I wish my dad would have been a normal dad and I could have had a normal, intact home my whole life.

Maybe God let me go through all that so I will understand other people who had a broken home. I know how hard it is. I know how strong you have to be and stand on your own. I know the trust issues and the pain deep inside that you don't talk about. You try to soldier through life but really there is so much anger at your parents for not staying together. You don't realize that is where a lot of your anger comes from, but it is there deep in your heart. You don't get why your family couldn't just be normal. But there are no normal families. There is no perfect life. There is no perfect home. No matter where you go, you will suffer. There is no utopian city. You have to learn to be strong and to just survive. 

Children who had hard childhoods grow up stronger. They aren't shocked when the shit hits the fan later in life. They just think, "Yes I know this all to well. I have had to survive before and I will survive now." And they grow and learn and carry on. 

This extensive traveling I have been doing reminded me of my childhood a lot. My family moved about 15 times and my life was never stable. I was always going somewhere and meeting new people and having to start again. I remember when my ex and I bought our house 5 years ago I was wondering if I could handle being in one house for 5 years. Maybe I needed to do such a long road trip because I felt cooped up in that house for way too long. I am used to change and travel and being in new places. I loved Jarrell, but my goodness I felt like I was there forever. Thank you to the banks for letting me keep my house for a long time. :)  But it was good to get out. And now I shall rest. 

Pray for me and my ability to stay in one place again for awhile. Thanks all. May God bless you!

Where to Plant

 God do you want me to go to Florida? Odessa will work out well.

Will Eric come to Odessa to live with me? Maybe in a year.

Do you want me to go back to Destin? If you do, just for one month

Do you want me to live with Ashley? No. 

Do you want me to rent a room in Orlando? If you want to see Eric more then yep, that could be fun.

Do you think Eric is a good man for me? I am still working on him. 

Would Ben ever be a good friend for me? Yes, better then Eric. He just has to stop being scared. Once you start working he will be fine, cuz he will see you are being productive.

Do you want me to get an apartment in Odessa? There is no rush, espectially if you work at that restuarant and you would love it there. 

Can I ever live with my mom? I don't like that idea. 

Will I get to see my daughters in Odessa if I start working? Probably in a month on the weekends at your nice, fancy hotel, that you would have to work hard for, but it would be worth it.

Would I be happier living in Odessa or in Florida? Possibly in Odessa. You just need to make some great friends. And the church there is great. Maybe someone there has a room for rent. :)

Evil and Pain

 Why does God allow spider bites to happen? Why does he allow evil and for humans to hurt each other so much? To make us stronger. To give us resilience for the long journey ahead in life. I know it doesn't make sense why a loving God would let us suffer, but it can benefit us in the long run. If we learn to get tougher in a good way, we will come out as better people. 

God says, "Don't worry. This too shall pass. Maybe times are hard now, but you will get through this. Stay strong. You don't have to have everything going perfectly for you to stay happy. Hang on. The storm will be over soon. Just do what you feel is best and the rest will follow you." 

God bless :)

Dreaming

 It was hard to leave Destin, Florida. I was so comfortable there. But I am now in West Palm Beach, Florida. I am hoping my ex boyfriend will come hang out with me. I would love to have a long happy life here with him. I am in a pricey hotel tonight, but I might book a cheaper hotel for 5 nights just to see if we can rekindle that flame we once had. :)

If my ex doesn't want to be with me anymore, my back up plan is to drive up the Florida coast all the way to Tennessee, then through Arkansas and over to California. Maybe Eric could come with me for that trip, but I feel totally ok with doing it alone too. I just had my battery checked on my car and it is good. I think I'll get a diagnostic done tomorrow just to make sure everything is working well in my car. Then I will have peace about taking my car across the entire United States. :)

My plan A though is to just stay here forever. I would love to get an apartment here with Eric. It is a beautiful city. Everything is clean and pristine looking. It is nice and warm. I will check out the beaches here tomorrow. I think I could for sure be happy living here forever. 

Fun Danger

 Anything that is fun in life is potentially dangerous. We can get hurt in some way in order for things to be fun. For example, I used to love speeding all over my neighborhood on my rollerblades. I never once fell down, but if I did, I would have gotten pretty messed up. I could have broken an arm or a wrist, but that is what made it so fun. This is probably why drugs are fun for people. They know the drugs could seriously hurt them when on them and so they are fun. I have never understood that kind of dangerous fun, but each person has their own method of fun. 

The alternative is hiding inside all by yourself 24/7. You are safe and you don't get hurt, but do you have any fun? Maybe a tiny bit of fun, but not too much. 

Go on some adventures. You might get hurt, but you will have more fun. :)

High Hopes

 My plan now is to finish my drive to see my lover 8 hours south today or tomorrow. I feel God is saying we will be faithful to each other the next 50 years and have a very good life together. I can't wait to see him again! I feel like the timing is right. 

I am excited to swim in the Atlantic too. I never have. 

I can't wait to watch movies and cuddle with him again. And wrap my arms around him. And go swimming in the ocean with him. 

I think my depression over loosing my house is finally over and I am ready to have some fun in South Florida! Praise God. :)

What To Do

 Options.....

Living with Joe. He would be a great friend. When I first saw his pic online I felt like God said, "He could be your best friend for the year that you are here." It is crazy he looked like the twin of Thomas, who I used to work with. Thomas was kind of my best friend for a year. 

Living with Ryan. He is probably the sweetest guy I've ever met. I know I could trust him 24/7 forever. He is as sweet and gentle as a lamb. I wouldn't mind being around him all the time. 

Living with Eric. Only if he gets an apartment for us, somewhere, anywhere in Florida. But I don't want to live in his mom's condo, or maybe I would. I can't figure that out yet. 

Living with Ashley. She seems to want me to rent a room somewhere around her instead of live with her. She might not be in her apartment for much longer. She hates her apartment and is planning to move in with her cousins. 

Living with Mark. It seems he might not be allowed to have other people living in his house. It is basically a parish that he lives in, on church property. 

Living by myself in my hotel for a long time. I could make it work if I work 40 hours or more each week. My savings wouldn't run out for a year, maybe longer. But that would be a lonely life. Peaceful, but lonely. 

Patience

 "The fool puts all his eggs in one basket."  

You never know what might work out and what might not. It is good to have options. Don't just settle on one thing, one job, one person. It is nice to have one person you can depend on, but not many people will be there forever. Of course if you act like you might loose someone, then you probably will. Maybe you wanted to loose them, so you caused it. 

We all like to be alone, have our space and be independent. It is an ego boost when you don't need anyone. You feel stronger. You feel more self-reliant. You feel proud of yourself when you can just be alone and not need people around you. 

Why should any of us need other people? Have you noticed that the more you need others, the more stupid choices you make? 

But there is something beautiful when you do decided to be dependent on someone else and try to have a partner for life. If you can find someone like minded, you can have beautiful times together. If you pray over every day you have with them and protect your time from Satan, you will probably have a long, happy life together. 

Learning

 "Failure is success if we learn from it."

After my first true love died when I was 27, I felt so guilty. We had a fight that night and he went out drinking with a co-worker. He died from the mixture of being on too many medications and drinking. I felt guilty for so long that I caused him to want to go out drinking that night. My step dad said about that situation, "All you can do, is do better next time."  

Did I do better the next time? No. But maybe it was excusable. I had a hard time being patient with my ex husband, but it would have been hard for any woman I think, except his mom. Now she gets to deal with his craziness forever, that possibly she created by not raising her son right. That applies to my ex husband and my ex boyfriend actually. Both were not raised right by their moms. Both were not taught to respect women. I felt sympathetic to both of them because my parents didn't do the best job either.  There is no reason why I should respect men considering what a low life my dad was, but somehow I still do. It is possible to overcome bad parenting and find your own way of success as an adult. You can be strong even if you didn't get that strength from your parents. 

Most kids hear from their parents that they believe in them and "You can do it." Kids are supposed to look up to their parents. They know how to have a good marriage from seeing their parent's good marriage. That model home is only a reality in about 5% of homes in America now. We are all messed up now because our parents were seriously messed up. We all had bad parents now. But we can overcome that. 

My Happy Transition

Jarrell, TX....so many memories there. Overall I am glad to be done with that town. I lost everything there. Satan must be strong in Jarrell, that's all I can say. I lost my kids there, my ex husband, my good friend Crystal, my bf, my job, my house, everything. But at least I had all those things for awhile. 

I don't know if there were more evil spirits flying around that town, but for whatever reason that was where my ex lost his mind. I felt depressed the whole time I lived there. I guess because there was nothing fun around there. We had some hiking trails in the area but you had to drive 30 minutes to get to them. It was just a very sad place to be. Way too many memories for me there. 

Now I am starting a new life in sunny Florida with the most beautiful beaches in the entire world, quite possibly. Everything here is beautiful and exciting. The night I drove into Destin I felt so much hope, that I could finally be happy in this place, and I have been. It is beautiful and safe here. Everyone is happy. There is always something to do, or someone to do. :) There are jobs open everywhere. No one here would need to be lacking in any way. It is like the Promise Land, flowing with milk and honey. 

But part of me still wonders about West Palm Beach. I keep thinking of driving down there to see my ex bf. I don't know if we should let go of each other and move on. I know we both want to be with someone younger. He would get this look in his eyes sometimes, like a really crazy look. It felt like he would have beat the crap out of me if he could have, in those moments. I suppose that was why I didn't think of him as super attractive. Those crazy eyes would haunt me every time I looked at him. But then other times his eyes looked like Bambi with his cute long eye lashes and he looked so innocent and sweet. I miss the sweet side of him, but not the crazy side at all. 

I came out here instead of going to CA a week ago because God told me if I loved my ex, I would come over here, where he was. But it was also just to start a new life. God has been trying to get me to Florida for a really long time now. The best part about this area is no snow or ice. 

I considered settling down in Odessa and renting a room in that area, but the ice there is just horrible. I don't know if I could ever live there long term again. My daughters are there, but my ex seems to not want to share them with me. Maybe he is just bitter then I didn't try to go out there for 2 years, but he always told me not to. He said it would be too much drama. So I just stayed in Jarrell, 6 hours away from my daughters for 2 years.  

I am still trying to figure out what I want and where I want to settle forever. I think overall I want to stay in the Destin area forever, and anyone who wants to be in my life can come live here by me. 

Having Fun

 My thoughts of marrying Mr. Wonderful are on hold. I am now interested in two young, hot guys. I had so much fun with them today. Not two at the same time, one in the morning and one in the evening. I love you Tinder. :)

One guy was named Joe. He made me cry a lot just talking with him about how messed up my life has been. The second guy Ryan made me laugh a lot. He played country music and danced and sang to it. He was so cute! I could have a lot of fun with him if it becomes a more long term relationship. 

It can be nice to be with someone my age, but guys my age are so serious and so depressed. It is nice to be around someone much younger, because they still feel smart and hopeful and happy. They haven't gotten the crap beat out of them by life yet. It is like they are light weight and care free. 

I think that is why I have always loved jobs where I am working around a lot of young people. They are still so full of life. There isn't a dark and depressing rain cloud over their head yet. 

May God send me more young friends to have fun with. :)

Marriage

 I met a great guy here in Florida that I could see myself with forever. I am already considering marriage with him after just one phone call. I remember it was like that with my ex husband too. I knew after just one phone call that I could be happy with him forever, and we were very happy, for 7 years at least. This new guy is the same sign as me, just like my ex husband was. I don't know why, but people seem to click the best with their same sign. 

The next test is seeing how he is in bed. :)  All you religious people out there are probably like, "Um....you're supposed to get married and then do that." But let's be real, almost no one gets married first and then has sex. We all like to take our future new car for a test drive. Marriage is half talking and half having a good sex life. If doing both of those things with someone is fun, you probably can make a marriage last with them forever. 

If you are lonely, get on Tinder. It's fun, for the most part. Don't be afraid to call them. And then don't be afraid to go see them and have some fun. :) Most people are kind and trustworthy. Take a leap of faith!

The Perfect Day

 If I could do what I did today every single day for the rest of my life I would be so freaking happy! I woke up at 6am, went to get some awesome free breakfast at 7, came back and tried to nap, but I was too excited about the beach. :) Then I went to the beach around 10 and explored the shops around there. I found a perfect beach with no sting rays finally and went swimming in the ocean like a happy human dolphin. lol. That was so much fun! The waves are a lot smaller then CA beach waves, so it feels a lot more safe. 

Then I came back to my hotel, got some free coffee, and sat in the hot tub. Then I went swimming in the indoor heated pool here. It seriously is amazing being here, because it feels like my own personal hot tub and my own indoor heated pool. I suppose it will get more crowded around the holidays, but for now it's so nice that it feels like my own space. It feels like the most amazing and wonderful hotel I've ever been in. The atmosphere here is so awesome! 

The beach here isn't too crowded at all. Some other people are crazy like me and get in the water in November. :) It isn't that cold though. Outside it's probably almost 80 and the water is about 55 degrees. At first the chill of the water shocks you, but then you get used to it. :) 

I remember in CA getting in the ocean. The water was so freezing cold that you had to wait until your body felt numb before it was comfortable. :) Literally, your body would go totally numb because the water was that cold, year round. 

I have had my eye on Florida for quite awhile now. I used to have a weather app on my phone where you can save cities from all over. I had my city, wherever I was living at the time, Kansas City, Odessa, Austin...and then also Miami, Seattle, New York and San Diego all saved. I remember I always noticed that Florida seemed to have perfect weather all year round. For 10 years now I have wondered what it would be like to live here, and now here I am. :)  

I have always wondered what it would be like to live in a hotel long term too and I think I can make it work, if I work hard, which I plan to. 

God is so good! I am so glad I am here. :) I hope you all are enjoying your life too!

Beautiful Creation

 How could anyone Not believe there is a God? The world is so beautiful! If you stay in suburbia where there is nothing beautiful, you tend to forget that God made this world, not man. You have to get out to a lake or a beach or a wooded forest to remember that God originally made planet Earth. We added our cute little buildings and streets, but the best things here were made by God. 

Get out in God's beautiful creation today. You will be much more happy. :)

Happy Life

 I just ate so much at the free breakfast that I might throw up. :) This really could be the perfect life to just stay in my hotel forever. I would never have to buy food again. I could just live off the free breakfast, and hopefully I'll get free pizzas at Papa John's. I would never have to buy toilet paper or anything else again. There is a beach about 2 minutes from my hotel. I can see the ocean from my hotel window. 

I am debating now if I should be an in store or delivery driver. I would be worried about car repairs if I'm a driver. Also the condos here could be tricky to deliver to, but I would think I would make a lot in tips here.  Although I have noticed in delivery, that overly rich people don't tip as well, because they are not sympathetic to a career in delivery driving. They might not realize how much we have to pay for in car repairs. God will lead me. I'll probably start out working in store and eventually be a driver, maybe just a back up driver. 

Later I'll go check out a beach down the road from my hotel. If you want to see pictures follow me on Twitter, Lucky Lisa. :) 

God bless!

New Hotel

 I decided to move to a different hotel to be closer to the Papa John's here. I might start working there soon. Not sure if I want to work part time or full time, but I'll figure that out soon. I love this hotel so much! It has a hot tub that is actually hot and the jets work. :) There is an indoor heated pool. I think it might be the only indoor heated pool that I have been in besides the one in my mom's retirement community. It seems like I have the whole hotel to myself because it's the off season here in Destin. 

This hotel is so much better then my last hotel. I have a giant window with a cool view of the condos here. I can see a little bit of the ocean from it, which is super cool. :) I just had so much fun swimming in the indoor pool. Maybe I will swim there every night. There is a free breakfast here every morning, which is awesome! My last hotel didn't have a free breakfast. I might have all free food then. Breakfast here and then free pizza all day at Papa John's. :)

The beds are so much better here! I also left my last hotel because the room next to me had a very loud dog that barked non stop. I guess that was God telling me it was time to leave. I felt this morning that he was saying go to CA. Then this afternoon I felt God was saying go to West Palm Beach. I suppose God keeps changing his mind on me because I do. I can't figure out what I want. But that is why I might as well stay here another full week, or forever, just to figure out what I want. I'm sure my new co-workers will help me figure it out. Do I want to be done with guys and just live in CA with my best friend Ashley? Or do I want to be married again to my ex and live with him, in his mom's condo or maybe in an apartment here in Destin? Or do I want to stay here at my hotel and live my own life and just have friends at work? I really have no idea. But I'll figure it out eventually. 

God says, "Just take your time. You don't need to rush into anything, even work. Just enjoy yourself. Not many people get to do what you are doing. Just take it easy. Try to not worry."

Amen. May God bless you! And may God help me to know what I want. 

Love or Using

 I think the main reason why people think they are "in love" is because the other person can benefit them in some way. We think we love someone but really we are just using them in some way. Everyone uses everyone else. That is just a fact of life. Men use women for sex and women use men for money. What makes no sense is when women give up sex for a long line of guys without getting any money from them. They are getting played. Or there are women who play men the same way. They set up as many dinner dates at they can, through online dating, and just use guys to take them out to eat a lot. Most people are either givers or takers. There is very seldom an even exchange in things with people. If you are not generally giving, then you are probably a taker. 

It can be nice to be owed by someone, but then if they pay you back too much then you feel like you owe them. 

The best thing is to forget about giving or taking and just take care of yourself. It is to hard to keep track of what is owed and how much. Why not just go your own way and do your own thing? Then you don't have to resent it if you give too much or feel guilty if you never give back to others. Do your own thing. :)

Love God, Love People

It is so hard to love people sometimes isn't it? How can we stay loving toward them when we don't understand them? Which is most of the time. :) 

But God wants us to love others, no matter what they do to us. 

What is love? 

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

I think the main thing I need to work on is not being irritable. I am irritable a lot. I just get so easily annoyed with stupid things that people do. I don't know why. It is like I am always on edge, always mad about something, almost always annoyed with the stupidity of human beings. I suppose that is because my life has had a lot of stress the past 10 years. Finally I am getting to just breath. 

People have always been around being noisy and nosy and unkind and controlling. It makes you loose patience with humanity. I have been saying for awhile now that if I could dig a hole and bury myself in it, I would. I found my hole, Destin. :) 

My Life in Destin

My main goal here is to explore as many beaches around here as I can. Every day I plan to go check out a new one. 

But I also want to work part time. I don't know if I should work at Hobby Lobby or at Papa John's again. I feel God says I wouldn't like Hobby Lobby. I applied at Papa John's today and might wait for them to call me. I know I could make a lot there as a driver, because I always did in the past, and that would pay for my high priced beach hotel. Unless someone who owes me will help me get an apartment here. :)  Or maybe I will find a room for rent down here. That is very possible. Or I could move in with a co-worker. 

If things don't work out here I feel God wants me to go live with my best friend in California. I think God wants me to just let myself have peace for awhile. I might stay here a few more days and then head to CA. The drive will be 30 hours, which I could do in 2 days lol.  That should be fun. Or I could take the longer route and go up to see Tennessee and then over to Arkansas. It would be funny if I kept driving back and forth between Florida and CA. This might not be my only time driving across the entire U.S. 

At first Destin didn't feel like home, but now it feels more like home then any place I've ever lived. It reminds me of SoCal a lot so it feels like I have always been here. The weather is nice like SoCal. It is not humid at all. The air feels crisp and clean all the time. Everything you see looks really cool. It is probably the only beach city that still looks pristine. Also the people here are super nice. I met the coolest lady at the laundromat yesterday. She told me the Papa John's is always hiring. I think that was a divine appointment. 

At some point I am still hoping my ex bf will get an apartment for us. It would be ideal if he could get one in SoCal or Destin. I believe that something like that will work out eventually. I just have to be patient. 

God says, "Be at peace here. This is your time to think. Don't rush into anything, job wise or relationships. Take your time to just think. You will get your dream job and dream husband, which might not be Eric. Just be open to anything. Keep trusting that I will protect you and provide for you. You might live in Destin forever and just be on your own forever. You might be the most happy that way."

Ok God, your will be done. Thank you for always leading me and protecting me and providing for me. :)

Forgive

 Is it hard for you to forgive others? Have you realized that forgiveness actually helps you more then them? Read on...

Matthew 6:14-15 

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

God takes it very seriously when we don't forgive people for what they did to us. 

Ephesians 4:31-32 

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

As long as you can't forgive others, your heart is hard. I don't know why anyone would want to have a hard heart, except Satan tells us when we are hard, no one will hurt us again. But then we hurt others. It is better to stay tender and kind. It might feel too vulnerable to be tender, but you will feel better about yourself if you remain kind no matter what. 

1 John 1:9 

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Unforgiveness is a sin. We can easily think we are justified staying angry and not forgiving someone, but it is never ok to stay angry at someone forever. God wants us to let it go. "Forgiveness is setting a prisoner free and realizing that was yourself."

Mark 11:25 

"Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses."

God says, "Let the past go. If you stay hung up on the past you cannot have a great future. Don't worry what someone did to you in the past. That doesn't always mean they will do that again. Let it all go. Move on, and be happy. Don't let the past haunt you anymore. Set yourself free from all that anger. Be at peace. I will help you to be at ease. But let it go, the baggage, the resentment, the hatred. No one deserves to be hated forever."

Ephesians 4:32 

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

The more grateful we are for all that God has forgiven us for, the easier it will be to forgive others. 

Luke 17:3-4 

"Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

Why did God say this? So that our relationship are never permanently ruined. So many people burn bridges forever because they aren't willing to forgive others. They turn stone cold and cut people out because they got hurt by them. If you keep doing that forever, you will have no one around you anymore. You will be alone forever. Who wants to be alone forever? Forgive others. Even if you think they don't deserve it, you deserve to have more friends. If you refuse to forgive all your friends, you won't have anymore friends, and that is a sad life. 

Matthew 18:21-22 

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven."

You don't just do this for the other person, but for yourself. You don't find many people in life that you might consider a "brother" or someone that feels really close to you. If they offend you, let it go so that you can keep your friend that feels close like a brother. What is the point of robbing yourself of a great friend because you can't let go of things they did? 

Decided to forgive whoever you need to, and give yourself peace from your own anger. God bless!

Living on my Own

 I think I have the perfect set up. I currently have a hotel for $60 a night. If I could get it down to $40 a night that would only be $1200 a month. I just got hired at Hobby Lobby. They pay $17 an hour. If I work full time there I could make $2700 a month. Then I would profit $1500 every month. I could also deliver pizzas in the evenings if I work 8 to 4 at Hobby Lobby and 5 to 9 at Pizza Hut. And I probably would get free pizza so no food expenses. Sweet! I would make so much then it would be crazy. I could make $400 a week at Pizza Hut. $1600 a month so my total profit per month would be $3100. Not to shabby. 

Then in 6 months I could buy a brand new Volkswagen Jetta, which is my dream car. Or maybe my dream car is a Toyota Solara convertible. I'm not sure. 

I think that all would be pretty awesome. Getting to live in a beach city has always been my dream. Ever since I was like 8 years old I wanted a glass house on the beach. Someday I'll have that. Someday. 

I hope all your dreams are coming true too, dear reader. That is what is so great about America. Whatever you want, you can make happen if you work hard enough. May God bless America!

Great Options

 I feel torn between 3 different options right now. I really want to live with my ex bf in his mom's condo but I feel a bit intimidated by it because it's a 2 million dollar condo. I wouldn't want to mess it up at all, obviously. 

I also want to live with my best friend Ashley, but she doesn't seem to want me to live with her. I don't get why. If I was in her position I would say for sure come on over. She isn't being very welcoming for whatever reason. I guess she is just used to living alone and she prefers that. I suppose also it is because she is a bitch and I just never totally realized that. 

Anther possible option would be renting a room in Midland/Odessa to be by my two daughters. Most people would think that should be my most logical option. Most moms would live by their kids over anything else. But my ex is still crazy. And he doesn't seem to want to bring my girls to me at all. He seems to want to keep them all to himself, because he is possessive of them. 

So I am secluded in this hotel but I am happy here. There are tons of beaches around for me to explore. I love the weather here. I finally don't have any allergy issues here. I have plenty of food. There is a Pizza Hut nearby that I can walk to if I want to work there. It is a great area. I probably will live here in this hotel until I die, which could be a very long time. :)

Maybe my ex husband and my two daughters can come live with me at some point, and we can get an apartment here. Who knows. That would be lots of fun. Or Eric and his cat can come be happy here with me. :)

South, West or Stay

 God do you think I should go south to West Palm Beach? "No there is no reason to. If Eric wanted you to come down there, he would have asked you to by now. His silence means he is mad at you because you moved on with someone else for a few days. He could forgive you and you could reconcile, but he is choosing not to. Don't worry, you can always find a new guy, who might be BETTER."

When do you want me to drive to CA? "I say wait one more month. Something great is about to happen for you." Sweet! :)

Will my car be ok driving all the way to CA? "You made it this far didn't you?" Yes. :)

What do you want me to do in CA? "Find an awesome sugar daddy who will treat you well."

Do you want me to work anywhere in CA? "Maybe subbing, but you will find a guy to take care of you very quickly and easily. You are a rare find there because most of the women are stupid and immature."

Do you want me to go north on this road trip? "No, you're car won't last forever. It will be good to get settled." Yep it will be. 

Is there any other guy you want me to be with? "Maybe Austin. We will see. He is nice."

So many options. It is fun to have options but stressful because I can't make up my freaking mind. :) I could go north, south, east or west. I have a lot of savings for now. The sky is the limit on where I could go or what I could do. I could just explore my awesome new beach town and blog for months and months, but I might work at the Pizza Hut here in town, delivering or just working in the store. Or I could work in one of the super cool restaurants here. 

I could just live in my hotel forever. That would be interesting. I have always thought that would be interesting to just live in a hotel forever. I totally could. But I'll probably meet a sugar daddy soon. 

I can't decide if I want to just be alone and independent for awhile or if I want a man in my life. There are benefits to both. When alone you have more peace but you get lonely. When with someone there is tons of drama but you have someone to hold and talk to. Being able to do whatever I want is very nice, but it's odd to just live for myself. I have been paired up with a guy for the past 12 years. It feels like I forgot what I like to do and how to take care of just myself. 

When you are with someone you feel like you have to take care of them, but they take care of you too, so that is always nice. :)

May God give me wisdom on what I want to do. 

My Many Wonderful Homes

 I have never really decided for myself where I wanted to live. It was always decided for me. When I lived in Santa Ana, CA from 0 to 6 obviously my parents decided that. I would have picked a different city to have my early years in. I am surprised they picked that city because it was pretty old and run down.

 Then we went to Upland, CA north of L.A where my grandma was. That area was also kind of run down, but mostly safe. 

Due to a lack of jobs we then went to Nebraska. I did like it there a lot. At first we were in my other grandma's house in Iowa. It was totally like heaven on earth there. She owned about 20 acres of land and I had fun exploring all over her property. I always remembered thinking, "Wow, my grandma owns ALL this?!" 

In Nebraska we bought a lake house. That community was so awesome! I had a neighbor friend who had everything a kid could want, a pool and trampoline and giant TV and tons of toys. I had a lot of fun at her house. 

Then we moved in town to an apartment. That place was pretty cool. There was a creek behind the apartments and I had fun building forts and exploring that area. I always wondered who's property that was. :) I think most of it just belonged to the city. After that we moved to a house close to my Junior High. There was a cute little mini forest behind our house. I built a firepit back there with my friends. We had a fun badminton net set up in the back yard.

  At age 14 my mom decided it was time to move back to CA. She wanted us to live by her parents again. I was SO sad about the move. I had to leave about 20 good friends that I had in Nebraska. It was so awkward at first in CA. I was born there but I had become a Nebraska country person. It took a long time for me to adapt to CA again. 

Even for college I didn't pick where I went. A friend in my bible study group at church was going to Biola, so I went to Biola. I should have picked Azusa University. I regretted not picking Azusa many, many times. I had toured both colleges. Both were great Christian colleges. Azusa probably would have been more fun. 

After college my mom had married my step dad. He had a condo in Huntington Beach that I lived in. I loved being in that city but I probably wouldn't have picked his condo. It was a bit old, but there was a community pool and hot tub that I liked going to a lot. Every time I went I was the only person there, so that was super cool. I actually did get to pick our next house. They started house shopping to find a bigger place. They let me pick between 3 houses. I wanted the Irvine house, and so we got it. I loved that house so much! It was gorgeous. Probably the most beautiful house you would ever see. The floor was marble tiles throughout the house and the counter tops were beautiful. 

Then I went to work on a cruise ship. I did pick that job, but the cruise line was kind of picked by a friend. She messaged me on Facebook that they were hiring so I went to work for Holland America. I probably would have picked a different cruise line if I had a choice. :) 

After that I went to live with my older brother. He picked the apartment. It was nice enough, but the area was sub par. Then I lived with my boyfriend that I met at work. He picked our first apartment. It was pretty old and sad looking, but decent. It was only $400 for a one bedroom so that was great. I picked our second apartment. It was called Folsom Ridge and it was only 10 minutes from downtown Lincoln, NE. It was perfect, beautiful, and wonderful. The pool there was pretty awesome. We had a lot of fun in that area. That was in Lincoln, Nebraska. 

After he died, due to an overdose of medication, I moved back to California. My mom was in a super cool condo in Costa Mesa then. I probably would have picked that condo myself. There was a cute creek in the back yard that was special. They had a ping pong table in the back which was fun. The pool and hot tub in the community were super great. 

Then I went to Australia for a few months. I picked all the hotels and rooms that I rented there. They weren't the best choices but I tried to be happy with my choices. I remember it was SO awkward renting a room in the house that I did. It was just weird because you knew you weren't really wanted there in their house. Then I moved to Kansas City. My best friend invited me to come live with her. I didn't pick her new apartment but I would have. It was awesome! 

Then I met my ex husband online and lived in his apartment for awhile. I didn't really like it but it was suitable. All the other apartments we had, I picked. That was very nice of him to always let me pick them. I picked out a super awesome duplex for us once in Georgetown. It was only 2 blocks away from an awesome river bike trail. We used to ride down there a lot. I will miss that trail. I have so many good memories riding along it. 

Then we bought a house in Jarrell. I was mostly excited about that town. It grew on me. There wasn't really anything cool about the town but it was quiet and safe. That was the house I just left about a week ago because it was in foreclosure. The new owner came and essentially asked me to move out. I figured if I had just bought a house I would be eager to move into it too, so I willingly left. Now I am driving all around the states until my loving and awesome boyfriend will buy me a house or an apartment. He promised to do that if I ever lost my house. So now I am patiently waiting in my new temporary home, a Day's Inn on the beach in Destin, Florida. This is a pretty cool place that I planted myself in for now. It is WAY cooler then Jarrell, TX lol. 

I have no idea where my next home will be, but I am happy with this one for now. Thank you God for all the GREAT homes I have gotten to live in. I hope you all love your homes too. 

God bless. :)

Cheating

Eric, I am so so sorry that I cheated on you. I hope you can forgive me soon. What is the point of being mad at me forever? Please let me love you again. I realize it was stupid, especially who I chose to cheat on you with. Why would I think anyone is better then you? Sorry for being dissatisfied with you. If you were here right now I would kiss your feet and beg for your forgiveness and your friendship again. I want you to be in my life forever. No one in the entire world would make me as happy as you. I know that now. 

Beaches

 I have probably been to 30 different beaches in my life. The coolest one was in Australia. I would drive my rental car, a cute mini cooper I rented, over there and just sit and look out at the water. My favorite beaches growing up were Huntington Beach and Newport Beach in Southern California. I had a lot of fun make out sessions with cute boyfriends there. :) With one guy we made out way at the end of a rock jetty. Water was splashing all over us at night time. It was super romantic. 

One bad memory though was almost drowning in the water when I was 14. I went with my youth group and I remember getting tossed in the water. It was super scary. 

When I started this trip I was thinking about heading out to CA, but God told me if I really loved my bf I would turn around and head to Florida, so I did. I was thinking I wouldn't miss the beaches in CA. The waves get crazy high sometimes. I literally had PTSD regarding the waves for awhile after almost drowning. I didn't want to go out in the waves for a long time after that. I was thinking my time here that I probably won't be able to swim, because it's a bit cold, but I prefer to just watch the waves anyways instead of going in them. 

I have been to a lot of the beaches along the Texas coast, South Padre Island, Whitecap beach, and a few others. That was tons of fun. 

I love the beach! 

Florida Vacation Time

 I am currently in Destin, Florida. It is SO cool that I finally made it here. My ex husband and I were going to come here 3 years ago but we didn't. The drive out was Amazing. I was Very impressed by Pensacola, Florida. It reminded me of SoCal a lot. I wouldn't mind living there permanently. It is ironic because one of my favorite movies, Groundhog Day, starts out in that city. Tomorrow I shall go to Princess Beach like 5 minutes from my hotel. And I need to do laundry and get a car wash. As soon as I got here I unpacked my whole car. It was nice to get my clothes organized finally. 

I am waiting for my ex husband to come join me here. If he wants to bring his cat, that would be ok. That cat caused a lot of fights for us, but overall I do love his cat. I almost consider him a furry son just like Eric does. He and I weren't legally married but he always called me his wife. :) My plan when driving here was that I might just go ahead and get an apartment on my own, but they are a bit pricey here, which makes sense. This area is Amazing. I might rent a room here via Craigslist. But you never know what the people you might live with will be like. They could go in your room at night or steal from you. I will probably just stay in hotels around here. 

I feel God is telling me to stay at this hotel for 3 nights and then I'll probably stay at the Holiday Inn here for 7 nights. I have no idea what to do after that, but buying a house in this area would be super amazing. Eric was talking about wanting to buy a house in Vegas, but I really don't like Vegas. This area would be perfect. I think if he comes here, hopefully tomorrow, he will see that too. :) 

Eric is mad at me right now for an indiscretion, meaning I cheated. But what person hasn't cheated on their mate in some way, shape of form? Every time someone watches porn that is pretty much cheating. Not that I should minimize what I did, but we all like to consider other options sometimes. 

I really hope he will join me here. It would be much more fun with him. I remember the times we went swimming together last summer. Those were the happiest times of my life. 

I did cheat on him 5 days ago, but the next morning I felt an immense feeling of guilt. I had never felt so guilty and bad in my life. I didn't necessarily even want to cheat on him. I had to drink a bit to feel at ease about it. He was gone because he had gotten in a fight with a room mate that was renting a room in our house. This other guy was trying to steal money out of Eric's car. The fight got so crazy that I told Eric to move out that day. I knew Rich had no where else to go. I knew Eric had 2 condos that his mom owned that he could stay at, so I asked him to go there. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want them to end up stabbing each other or one of them to end up in jail. I think partly, the two of them were fighting over me. :(

Eric, God says, "Please forgive Lisa. She can't help it that she is needy and desperate and has to always have a man in her life. She promises that she will be faithful to you forever if you will come hang out with her in Destin and help her get a house. She helped you for the past year right? It's payback time."

I love you Eric! Please come to Destin. For any of ya'll reading this, pray that Eric will come be with me. Overall I think we deserve each other and we will always make each other happy. 

Heartbreak

 In order to do what you know God wants you to do, you have to not care about getting your heart broken.

God says, "Cling to me my child. The storm will be over soon. I know you are confused. All of life is confusing. Just trust that I know what's Best. Follow my voice and all will be well."

Don't Love Money

 If you are generous you will always have friends and a partner and everything you might want. Jesus said, "Whoever wants to save his life will loose it but whoever looses his life for my sake will find it." The more you try to hold onto your money or time or energy, the more you miss out on. It is in giving that we receive. If you try to hold what you have with a tight fist, you will not experience the joy of generosity. 

Be Grateful

 "Grateful people want want they have."

"If you can't be content here, you won't be content there."

I love my car. It couldn't be better. 

I love my house! It couldn't be better. 

I love my face and my body. It couldn't be better. 

I love my clothes. They couldn't be better. 

If there is anything else you want, practice saying, "I don't need it."

"The reason you don't have more money is because it would ruin your life and you would be too spoiled."

We always want just a little bit more, but as long as you think that way, you will never be happy. Be content with what you already have. 

God bless!

Church People

 In regards to church, it is easer to watch pastors online because I don't know them personally. They haven't screwed me over in any way. I have a love hate relationship with the only two churches in my town. At one, the worship pastor flirted with my ex bf a lot. They were on the worship team together. I always felt like she was trying to steal his heart away from me. So I kind of resent her for that. 

At the other church, the pastor could be blamed for the reason me and my ex husband broke up. He told him to go home to his mom's for awhile to clear his head. He only got more crazy in that time, so that was bad advice. I have had to fight away feelings of bitterness and betrayal toward him the past 2 years. 

But both those churches felt like my family for awhile, so part of me wants to go back to both of them. 

I have been burned by plenty of church people. One guy was an assistant pastor at a church I went to for 10 years. I decided to go to a different church. I was going to join a leadership team at the new church. The pastor at my former church called and told them to not let me on any leadership teams because I was a flake. It was so odd. The pastor at the new church asked me, "Did you date him or something?" I guess he was acting like a crazy ex lover. But no, he was married and had kids. I had always had a crush on him, but we were always were just friends. 

When I was 15 I was on the youth worship team, missions team, and leadership team in my youth group. My youth pastor kicked me off all of them after she found out I had gotten high with a guy I worked with. She talked to me one day and said she didn't think I was really saved because I did that. Years later she apologized and said she realized David committed adultery and murder but he was called a man after God's own heart. It was nice to see her see the light on that. No one is perfect. Don't let anyone expect you to be perfect. Or if they do, ask them when the last time was they were perfect for a day. 

I got up and gave a testimony about this in my next church. I told the story and said, "God loves us no matter we do." That church was more focused on grace so it went along with how they taught. That was why my mom had us switch churches. She knew we needed a grace church after a Baptist judgmental church. This second church was like a hospital. I never got burned at that church. It was a beautiful experience and people were happy there 24/7. It was a wonderful sanctuary. That is probably why they kept growing so much. 

I suppose the lack of grace is why most people avoid churches. Some churches are always ready, it seems, to beat you over the head with a Bible when you do the slightest thing wrong. To which I would want to say, "Really? Are you perfect? I highly doubt it. But keep pretending. Go ahead and keep pretending." 

Jesus had a problem with church people too. They were called the Pharisees. He was constantly correcting them and getting in their face. He basically said to them every time he saw them, "You think you are so awesome? No. I am awesome. Get it right." They wanted to challenge him and he wanted to challenge them. Who was right? Obviously Jesus was. But the Pharisees never stopped thinking they were the right ones. That was why they crucified him. They couldn't handle anyone saying they weren't doing it right. They knew they were wrong, or else they wouldn't have gotten so mad and felt so threatened by Jesus. Good job Jesus for standing up for yourself against those jerks. :)

You can find prideful people in any area of life, not just in church. In the last days people are lovers of self. You can see that anywhere you look now. 

If you have been burned by church people in the past, just know they aren't all bad. Maybe some of them are, but not all of them are. Try to trust some of them. Some people hurt you, but others can help to heal you. You can forgive those who hurt you, but you don't have to trust them anymore. God will send new people that are good that you can trust. 

God bless!

Quitter or Fighter?

 We grew up always saying, "That's not fair...." And how did our parents always respond? "Life isn't fair." Now I would like to say that to God. I have been trying to serve him well with my writing for awhile now and here comes my crazy stiff neck problem. God says, "You realize it is spiritual attack right?" Yeah but why do you allow Satan to attack me so often and so well? "Life is never fair. This will make you stronger." But I'm tired of being made stronger. "I know and I'm sorry." 

I remember after my ex husband went crazy and left me I was freaking out to my step dad and crying. I was saying to him, "Doesn't God realize I have gone through enough? I mean my dad and Roger dying and now this? Why does so much stuff have to keep happening to me?" 

Sometimes we just don't get it, do we? We think we are a good person. We do what we can to change the world, or help the world, and all we get is shitty situations. So then we might give up and say, "What's the point? Why be good when there seems to be no reward? Why should I be on God's side when he doesn't seem to be protecting me?" 

I remember one time in my brother's car he played "A Light at the End of the Tunnel" for me. The title is Tunnel by Third Day. We both went through a LOT in life. But I think we always tried to hold onto that hope, that someday things would be better. The strongest person I've ever known, besides myself, is my older brother. We both know how to take a hit! Which I suppose that is kind of bragging rights. I suppose we both could say to Satan, "Is that all you got? Really? You hit like a girl. You can't knock me down. I'll keep fighting no matter what you do. You suck." :)

Hey ya'll, don't give up. Whatever God has told you to do, keep doing it, even if Satan tries to knock you down as often as he can. Keep running. Keep punching that devil back. Keep hitting him with all you got. He will fall down and give up eventually. He can only take so many hits back. 

He isn't used to people fighting back. So many people when Satan hits them, they are an easy knock out. They are down with one punch. But you have to be resilient. You can't be a pansy and fight against Satan well. You have to be a strong warrior for Jesus! woot :)

Joyce Meyer says the best way to get Satan back is to go show love to as many people are you can. So do it. :) Amen! 

So here I am awake at 4am on Halloween listening to Hillsong worship and writing as if to say to Satan, "You thought you could take me out or slow me down? Never!" The song I thought of upon waking was "Can't Hold Us Down." If you ever wanted a motivation song for life, that would be it. It's all about how men can't hold women down, even though they might try. Us women will be heard, and we will STILL try to change the world. Ya'll can't hold us down, you overly strong dominant men. :) Women, let your voice be heard. Don't let Satan try to shut you up just because you're a woman. That doesn't have to discredit you because you are female. You have a right to speak just as much as men do. Satan tries to silence women a lot because he knows how powerful we can be. :)

Don't let Satan take you out. He can roar and foam but don't be scared of him. He can't touch you right? He can't get through unless you let him, but don't. Keep your guard up. Don't let him slither his way into your mind. God is good, all the time. Amen? We might not always understand what he does or why he allows some things to happen to us, but we have to trust him. You might say, "Why should I trust God?" Because there is no other being or entity worthy of your trust. If you can't trust God, who can you trust?  

Things might not be going the way you want them to, but just wait. "Those who wait on the Lord will soar on wings like eagles!" Let God work for you. Stop striving. Let God dictate your life. Any time we try to call the shots things blow up in our face. "Let it be." You know you need to let go and let God. Let him take things over and take a load off. See what he will do. God stands up when we sit down. As long as we are working, he won't do as much. When we finally take a break he says, "Ok can I take over now? Do you admit you need my help now?" Yes God, we know we need your help. And he goes to work. 

Let God work for you. He would be happy to. God bless. :)

Physical Pain

 In 2 Cor. 12 Paul says, "In order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I currently have a thorn in my flesh. I can barely move my neck. Cry me a river. :) Sometimes God lets us suffer to teach us a lesson about being prideful. For whatever reason, God seems to want to humble me now. 

Contrary to what some pastors teach, it is not true that God wants us to always be rich and healthy. He wants to meet our needs and he wants to keep us alive to serve him, but he doesn't promise any of us a perfect life free of pain. God uses pain to humble us and to make us run to him faster then ever before. When life is great, we don't think we need God as much. But when things are rough and there is pain, we cry out "Abba Father help me!" and he runs to us to help us. 

When we come to the end of ourselves, God rushes in to comfort us. He let's us become weak sometimes so we can see more how much we need him. When we are weak, we are strong because we finally rely on God's strength. We admit we can't do it all ourselves and that we need His help. 

When I was in college my constant prayer was, "God I can't do this, but you can." I think God wants to hear that from us all the time. God does give us more then we can handle, so that we will need his help more. :)

If you are feeling weak, physically, mentally or emotionally, reach out to God. He loves when we finally come to the end of ourselves, and we ask him to step in and help us. He has no greater joy then comforting us and giving us power when we think we have none. God can show up and show out when we get over ourselves and get out of the way. :)

May God bless you!

Don't Have a Stiff Neck

 I woke up with the worst stiff neck of my life today. It hurt so bad I was crying, and asking God why the heck he let me have so much pain today. He says, "It's to tell you to take it easy. You don't have to save the whole world." Ok God. I'll try to remember that. :)

It made me want to write a brief blog on the topic of stiff necked people. The Israelites were referred to as a stiff necked people a lot because they were not humble and refused to submit to God's leading. If God leads you to do something or say something, do it, no matter how scary it is. 

Have you heard the phrase "Bend the knee or have it broken?" Yep. You can either bend your knee willingly to God, or he can break your knees so that you will then bow to worship him. He is a jealous God. Sometimes he has to break us in order to get us to see him better. Our focus might be somewhere else and God says, "No look at me. I am the only thing you should be focused on. Thank you."

Here are verses about having a stiff neck:

Acts 7:51 

“You stiff-necked people, uncircumcised in heart and ears, you always resist the Holy Spirit. As your fathers did, so do you."

This verse always stood out to me. A lot of Christians even resist the Holy Spirit. They are scared of the power of God. They want life to stay easy and predictable. They are scared of what the Holy Spirit might ask them to do. Don't be afraid of the Holy Spirit. You will be glad when you learn to trust him. 

Exodus 33:3

God said, "Go up to a land flowing with milk and honey; but I will not go up among you, lest I consume you on the way, for you are a stiff-necked people.”

This is God talking to the Jews in the Old Testament. They were not flexible with God. They wanted things to go their way. That is why God called them stiff necked. 

Romans 1:30 

Slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents...

Proverbs 29:1 

"He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck, will suddenly be broken beyond healing."

Be careful of resisting the Holy Spirit. 

Jeremiah 17:23 

"Yet they did not listen or incline their ear, but stiffened their neck, that they might not hear and receive instruction."

Fools despise wisdom and instruction. Don't be a fool. Be wise. "Wisdom is found in those who take advice" from God and others. 

May God bless you!

Fasting

 I had a summer when I was on staff for a Junior High camp that I decided to fast every Wednesday for 24 hours each time. I still had water, juice and coffee. I just didn't eat any solid food in that time. My intention was to make my prayers stronger for the youth I was working with. There was one guy in particular named Greg that I knew needed lots of prayer. He was very reserved. He did start to open up and come out of his shell more. One time I went 3 days in fasting. By the 3rd day I felt incredibly weak. It was a very interesting experience. I think partly I went 3 days just to see if I could do it. You do get a bit of an ego boost when fasting, just that you can actually do it. If you are feeling insecure for any reason, that can make you feel better about yourself. 

The main reason to fast is to teach yourself to appreciate things more. It's easy to start to take food for granted, or any blessing from God. When you deprive yourself of food for a long period, you appreciate it a LOT more after that. Just something simple like food becomes like winning the gold medal in the Olympics after fasting for a period of time. :)

There are about 150 verses in the Bible about fasting. Clearly it is something that God feels is important. It is not just some random theological subject. It could be said, it is a very central aspect to worshipping God or being obedient to God. 

Here is the most important reason to fast: 

1 Corinthians 9:27 

I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

Paul wrote half of the New Testament and he was worried about being disqualified? That is pretty amazing. And how did he say he could prevent this? By disciplining his body and keeping it under control. The greatest way to learn self-control for any area of life is by fasting. Your stomach should not master you. You should master your stomach. 

Matthew 6:16-18 

“When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you."

The point of all this is that you aren't fasting for others, you are doing it for God, to show that you take your faith seriously. Part of the Christian faith is dying to yourself and letting God live through you. The best way to die to yourself is to fast. 

Isaiah 58:3-7 

 Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure, and oppress all your workers. Behold, you fast only to quarrel and to fight and to hit with a wicked fist. Fasting like yours this day will not make your voice to be heard on high.

This implies that if you fast the right way, God will be more inclined to hear your voice. Maybe I'll fast tomorrow. :) When you fast, it doesn't give you an excuse to fight with others. It can make you more inclined to be fiesty because being hungry isn't fun. Actually it can be fun just because it's different, but it can make you grumpy. The key is to still be loving even when you are fasting. 

Joel 2:12 

“Yet even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning."

One reason to fast is if there is something that you need to confess. It can be a kind of contrition, or making it up to God. Granted Jesus' death paid for all our sins, but God still likes to see that we really are sorry about our sins sometimes. Fasting is one way to show that. 

Matthew 4:1

"For forty days, being tempted by the devil. Jesus ate nothing during those days. And when they were ended, he was hungry."

Before Jesus began his entire ministry he fasted for 40 days. I think he just did that to show he was a total rock star. Good job Jesus. :) If he could handle 40 days, I'm sure you could handle a day or two. The Bible doesn't really say Why Jesus fasted for 40 days. Even though he was perfect and he was God, he still might have needed to die to himself. In his ministry it was all about other people. He was constantly teaching others or healing others. This time of fasting probably helped him to be more other-focused rather then self-focused. 

Matthew 4:4 

But Jesus answered Satan and said, “It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

A big reason to fast is so that you can stop thinking about food for a period of time. Then you focus just on God for that time rather then food. If you think about it, a constant thought can be "What should I eat next?" Fasting helps you take a break from that annoying ongoing question. :) I always get annoyed when I'm hungry again when it seems like I just ate. I don't know about you, but it can be great to take a break from the non stop eating madness. 

More verses on fasting. Please read. :)

Ezra 8:23 

So we fasted and implored our God for this, and he listened to our entreaty.

Psalm 35:13 

But I, when they were sick— I wore sackcloth; I afflicted myself with fasting; I prayed with head bowed on my chest.

Acts 13:2 

While they were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, “Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them.”

Luke 18:12 

I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.

Luke 2:37 

And then as a widow until she was eighty-four. She did not depart from the temple, worshiping with fasting and prayer night and day.

Ezra 8:21-23 

Then I proclaimed a fast there, at the river Ahava, that we might humble ourselves before our God, to seek from him a safe journey for ourselves, our children, and all our goods. 

Esther 4:16 

“Go, gather all the Jews to be found in Susa, and hold a fast on my behalf, and do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my young women will also fast as you do. Then I will go talk to the king, though it is against the law."

Acts 13:3 

Then after fasting and praying they laid their hands on them and sent them off.

Daniel 9:3 

Then I turned my face to the Lord God, seeking him by prayer and pleas for mercy with fasting and sackcloth and ashes.

Exodus 34:28 

So Moses was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights. He neither ate bread nor drank water. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant, the Ten Commandments.

Acts 9:9 

And for three days Saul was without sight, and neither ate nor drank.

Judges 20:26 

Then all the people of Israel, the whole army, went up and came to Bethel and wept. They sat there before the Lord and fasted that day until evening, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings before the Lord.

Mark 9:29 

And he said to them, “This kind of demon cannot be driven out by anything but prayer and fasting.”

Ezra 8:21 

Then I proclaimed a fast there, at the river Ahava, that we might humble ourselves before our God, to seek from him a safe journey for ourselves, our children, and all our goods.

Joel 1:14 

Consecrate a fast; call a solemn assembly. Gather the elders and all the inhabitants of the land to the house of the Lord your God, and cry out to the Lord.

Isaiah 58:6-7

“Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

Zechariah 7:5 

“Say to all the people of the land and the priests, When you fasted and mourned in the fifth month and in the seventh, for these seventy years, was it for me that you fasted?

Jonah 3:5-10

And the people of Nineveh believed God for the first time. They called for a fast and put on sackcloth, from the greatest of them to the least of them. The word reached the king of Nineveh, and he arose from his throne, removed his robe, covered himself with sackcloth, and sat in ashes. And he issued a proclamation and published through Nineveh, “By the decree of the king and his nobles: Let neither man nor beast, herd nor flock, taste anything. Let them not feed or drink water, but let man and beast be covered with sackcloth, and let them call out mightily to God. Let everyone turn from his evil way and from the violence that is in his hands. Who knows? God may turn and relent and turn from his fierce anger, so that we may not perish."

Nehemiah 9:1 

Now on the twenty-fourth day of this month the people of Israel were assembled with fasting and in sackcloth, and with earth on their heads.

1 Samuel 7:6 

So they gathered at Mizpah and drew water and poured it out before the Lord and fasted on that day and said there, “We have sinned against the Lord.” And Samuel judged the people of Israel at Mizpah.

Daniel 10:2-3

"In those days I, Daniel, was mourning for three weeks. I ate no delicacies, no meat or wine entered my mouth, nor did I anoint myself at all, for the full three weeks." 

This is when Daniel had incredible visions about the end times. 

Mark 2:18-20

Now John's disciples and the Pharisees were fasting. And people came and said to Jesus, “Why do John's disciples and the disciples of the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?” And Jesus said to them, “Can the wedding guests fast while the bridegroom is with them? As long as they have the bridegroom with them, they cannot fast. The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast in that day."

Thank you for reading. Now go fast and be blessed. :)