Hotels

 Tonight is my 20th night in a hotel. I started in Austin and drove to Odessa. Then I went alllll the way to Destin, Florida and settled there for a week. Then I drove south to West Palm Beach to make amends with my ex, then over to Orlando and we had fun going to downtown Disney there. Then I went up to Georgia, but the next day back down to Ocala because I didn't want to leave my ex bf in Florida. He told me to get myself back to Odessa. So then I drove up through Alabama, which was beautiful. I stayed in Memphis one night, then drove through Arkansas finally. My lifelong dream was to drive through there. It was gorgeous. Then I drove south through Dallas again and over to Odessa. I stayed in Odessa two nights. I just drove to San Antonio, thinking I might go back to Florida. But I think my permanent home will be in Odessa where my daughters are. I probably should have just stayed there when I was there 3 weeks ago, but the adventures I went on were very fun. :) And after all that I am quite tired and ready to settle in one place for sure. 

I never saw myself living the nomadic lifestyle like that, but it has been interesting and fun. My car has held up ok so that has been nice. It has 212,000 miles on it and the check engine light is on. The fact that I got to do that much with my car is a total miracle. Good job Pugsley. :) I am glad I got the repairs done on it that I did a few months ago. Thank you Papa John's for making that happen for me. 

I think my traveling days have finally come to an end. I am somewhat sad about it but also relieved. For the past 2 years I have wanted to settle in the city where my daughters are. I have been away from them for too long. Almost every night I see one or both of them in my dreams and I wake up feeling sad that they are not with me. I miss being a mom. I miss my girls. I miss how cute they were and having them to take care of. I hope I get the opportunity again to be around them a lot. I know as they get older having their mom around would be nice. 

When I was age 10 to 25 my mom was my best friend. We were so close it was crazy. I miss having that bond with her, but we all have to grow up at some point and branch out on our own. It can be scary to do that, but staying a kid forever is silly too. Driving through Texas I really wanted to just go back to Austin and live with my mom for awhile, but it is weird having a step dad. I wish so much that my parents would have stayed together forever. I wish my dad would have been a normal dad and I could have had a normal, intact home my whole life.

Maybe God let me go through all that so I will understand other people who had a broken home. I know how hard it is. I know how strong you have to be and stand on your own. I know the trust issues and the pain deep inside that you don't talk about. You try to soldier through life but really there is so much anger at your parents for not staying together. You don't realize that is where a lot of your anger comes from, but it is there deep in your heart. You don't get why your family couldn't just be normal. But there are no normal families. There is no perfect life. There is no perfect home. No matter where you go, you will suffer. There is no utopian city. You have to learn to be strong and to just survive. 

Children who had hard childhoods grow up stronger. They aren't shocked when the shit hits the fan later in life. They just think, "Yes I know this all to well. I have had to survive before and I will survive now." And they grow and learn and carry on. 

This extensive traveling I have been doing reminded me of my childhood a lot. My family moved about 15 times and my life was never stable. I was always going somewhere and meeting new people and having to start again. I remember when my ex and I bought our house 5 years ago I was wondering if I could handle being in one house for 5 years. Maybe I needed to do such a long road trip because I felt cooped up in that house for way too long. I am used to change and travel and being in new places. I loved Jarrell, but my goodness I felt like I was there forever. Thank you to the banks for letting me keep my house for a long time. :)  But it was good to get out. And now I shall rest. 

Pray for me and my ability to stay in one place again for awhile. Thanks all. May God bless you!