God Talking to Me

 "Delight yourself in the Lord and he shall give you the desires of your heart."

My desires have changed about 30 different times in the last month. A month ago I realized that I was finally loosing my house. It had been in foreclosure for literally 2 years. I was very lucky that I got to keep it as long as I did. It was partly due to Covid. I knew this day was coming, but I didn't know when, so it was still a shock. I talked to the man who bought my house and said I would be moved out within a week. I remember my face feeling so hot and being in panic mode. I called my mom and older brother and best friend about it. I asked each of them if I could live with them. My mom simply said no. My brother said he was moving, and my best friend said her apartment was messy. I didn't know what I was going to do. I thought I only had about $600 to my name. I had enough money to make it from Austin to CA to go live with my best friend. So I set out on my trip. I hoped that she would let me live with her. She didn't say yes or no about me staying with her. I got to Midland, Texas and booked a nice hotel. I was hoping my ex would bring our daughters to come visit me. I had high hopes that they would come. Instead he made up tons of excuses about why he couldn't come there. Then I called my bank to check my balance. It was way more then I expected. I realized I had gotten a stimulus check finally. Praise God! I stayed another night at a different hotel. My ex husband still refused to come talk to me or meet me for dinner. So the next morning I started driving toward CA. About an hour down the road I felt God say to me, "If you love Eric, you will turn around and go to Florida." I pulled over and thought carefully about that. I debated about that with God for a bit. I said to God, "But he is mad at me." God repeated, "If you love Eric, you will go to Florida." We had just broken up a few days before. After we did though I cried my eyes out because I missed him so much. 

I turned my car around and headed to Florida. God told me to drive straight there. It was about a 20 hour drive. I said, "God that's crazy. I can't drive straight there." He said, "If you don't, I'm afraid you will just plop down somewhere and not want to leave." And what did I end up doing? I did just that. I plopped down in Destin, Florida and stayed there for 10 days. I was 8 hours away from my final destination where Eric was. I even got a job at a Papa John's there and started working. I was afraid to see Eric again. I knew he was mad at me. In that time he met another woman. He texted me after he met her and sent me pictures of her. I was thinking, "What? How did he get her? She is gorgeous." But I figured he was happy and kept working. 

Then a few days later God told me to drive down to West Palm Beach and finish my long journey. I fought with God again about it. He told me to go though, so I went. I drove from 5pm until 3am to get there. When I arrived in West Palm Beach I was shaking from the adrenaline of driving for so long, and too much coffee. I checked into a hotel and texted Eric that I was nearby him. We text fought for an hour the next day. Then finally he said, "What is the address of your hotel?" He drove over to meet me. We had such a wonderful time. The sex was amazing. Talking to him was wonderful. He got hungry and left around 2am. I started crying because I thought I might never see him again. The next morning he said I could crash at his mom's condo for a week. I didn't want to just live with him for a week. I wanted to be his wife forever. So I said I was heading up north for my East coast road trip. On the way I asked if he would want to hang out in Saint Augustine. He said no but a trip to Orland would be fun. So we met in Orlando. We stayed at a hotel two nights and had fun driving all over Orlando. It was so nice to be around him again. 

The second night we went to a bar. He kept complaining about his drink and trying to send it back. This annoyed me to no end. I have worked in customer service my whole life and I hate when people do that. I showed my annoyance and told him to call the other woman he was interested in. He left that night to go back to Miami and I drove up to Georgia the next day. He texted me when I got up there and said he was going to make babies with this other woman. I didn't know if he was serious or he just said that to make me jealous. I don't think I have ever felt so much emotional pain in my life. I almost deleted his number. 

The next morning I talked to the lady at the counter about my situation. I asked for her advice. She said, "Go where the Holy Spirit leads you." So I went south again back to Florida. I tried to text Eric but he said he was depressed and to just leave him alone. I said ok. He said, "Just GO." My plan was to go back to Odessa. So I went. But then I felt a pull to go back to Florida when I got back to Texas. God told me, "Eric needs you. Go back to Ocala." I literally just ignored God this time and still drove to Odessa. I stayed there 2 nights, hoping to visit with my daughters. On Thanksgiving day God told me to go to Florida. Now I am plopped down in San Antonio just thinking. Eric is mad at me again. He doesn't seem to want me to come back to Florida. I think because he wants me to live in the city where my daughters are, in Odessa. But I want to be with him in Florida. I don't know what to do. I plan to just stay here until he asks me to come to Florida. Or maybe I'll just go and get a hotel and a job in Orlando and when he wants to see me, he can come up there. Or I can get settled in Odessa and maybe he will fly or drive there to be with me. 

To sum that all up, it is so hard to be in love. Part of me wishes I never met Eric, because then I wouldn't feel this constant longing for him. But we have had lots of really good times, and I hope we will have more fun in the future. May God bless him and us being together someday again. If you are reading this Eric, I love you very much and I'm very sorry for any pain I caused you.