Cheating

 I don't know what my man is doing. All I know is he cheats on me in some way. So I'll stop calling him my man. He is now just a brother which is mostly how I've seen him this entire time. He is the same sign as my younger step brother. It is a lot like living with Michael to live with Zach. My step brother was Michael which oddly enough was Zach's dad's name. 

Anyways from now on Zach is my step brother. I have never really desired having sex with him but I guess that's why. He is more like a brother. I can tell he has never wanted me that much. I thought he was gay and maybe he is. Or his Zoloft meds make his testosterone super low. Meds do that to people. They make you seem not human anymore really. Men become a woman robot. Women become a robot or a man depending on their meds. 

The 🏥 hospital that I had James at wanted to put me on meds. No thank you. I have no desire to say goodbye to my soul and my heart. And maybe it just feels like Zach is cheating because he is with his meds. They make him heartless and he just doesn't care about anything. 

I don't know if this will work but I could not have sex with him unless he quits drinking and quits he meds. Why should I desire an addict? I guess I did before because I was addicted to smoking. But I have overcome that now overall. 

Maybe I am prideful now and think I got clean so why can't he? Maybe he will. But he comes from a family full of drugs. They drank and lied and cheated and steal. An apple never falls far from the tree. My family was a bit different too, but I tried to be my own person. I guess I'll just wait for him to do that too. Please pray he will break that soul tie with his family. He needs to so God can be his God. I doubt he is saved. His grandma is his god rather than God. She gave him a house and car and lots of money. I guess most people would worship such a person. I don't, but that's why I wouldn't let her give me a car. This house is ok but nothing to worship someone over. 

Anyways I pray he will worship God only. I pray he will do things to actually make him saved like listen to Christian radio instead of rap music and stop drinking, smoking and taking pills. To me he may as well be a heroine addict. But tons of people are sucked up by pills. It is a sad life. One to be pitied for sure. 

But I can't keep making excuses for him. My life was 20 times harder than his but I don't drink and use pills. I hope he will man up at some point and not want to be a spoiled child anymore. I hope one day he will grow up and be a dad to his son and actually become a good man. 

Thank you all for praying.