Advice on Marriage

This part of the article was originally written to help people deal with difficult co-workers, but they are great principles to use in marriage as well! :)

A really funny quote from Socrates I believe about marriage; "By all means get married.  If you marry a good wife it will make you happy.  If you marry a bad wife it will make you a philosopher." lol :)  Meaning either way it benefits us.  Either it improves our life or it makes us wiser, or it is a combination of both for most people. :)

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"Always accept people as they are. Don't try to change them or expect them to change on their own; it won't work!"

How many times do spouses try to change each other oh my goodness. lol :)  But we can't change people, only God can. 

However, I love how Cloud and Townsend, who wrote Boundaries, say though that we can change people somewhat by changing how we react to them. 

If you start laying down conditional statements such as, "I will leave the room or the house if you continue to yell like that."  And if you follow through when you say things like that, it just might change the person.  They won't change until it affects them, until what you are doing affects them.  This is called setting Boundaries with people, not letting them do whatever they want or treat you however they want to.  It's important that you communicate this though rather than just leave because that might make them more angry. :)

So we are to accept our spouse to an extent, unless they are damaging our mental, emotional or spiritual health, and of course our physical health. 

"Ask yourself if you're dealing with a difficult person or a difficult situation."

So is your spouse just being difficult or is there a reason he/she is being difficult?  Usually there is a trigger, something that set them off. 

I saw a great picture once when I was working in mental health of an ice berg; the trainer was explaining that all we see on people is the tip of the ice berg, but under the water there are all kinds of other things going on.  Inside of people there is way more going on than we realize. 

When I used to cashier and work in customer service if I ever encountered a difficult customer I would always want to ask, "How are things at home with you?  How is your personal life?"  But of course that wasn't my job to ask that.  I was not a counselor, just a cashier lol.  But there is always a reason for people acting difficult.  Someone may have hurt them and made them angry or they are trying to do too much and so are stressed.  There is always a reason.  If you can get to the root of what the issue is, rather than looking at the symptoms, you might be able to solve the problem and so relieve the symptoms. 

"Staying in control of your emotions is a sign of strength and self-discipline, so do it."

Anytime I have had to work with kids I have had to MASTER this.  Kids can see right through you.  They can see every emotion you're feeling even if you don't realize they see it.  They do. 

In order to maintain control in any situation you have to have self-control of your emotions.  I love the quote, "We become controlling when we have lost control."  You can have control without being controlling.  How?  By staying self-controlled then you can control, for the most part, what goes on around you.  Forget trying to control others or the situation, focus on trying to control yourself first.

If you let your emotions get the best of you, you have lost control and most likely have lost respect of those around you.  So focus on yourself and self-control and you will win the respect of anyone you come in contact with.   That is a missing law of power really in the book 48 Laws of Power; Control Your Emotions. 

"Distance yourself from the person by taking a walk or a time out if you need to regroup."

If you are in an argument with your spouse, usually it is futile to try to continue to talk once both of your emotions have been hurt.  You need to take a time out.  What do we do with kids when they get over emotional?  Give them a time out right?  That is what we need to do with ourselves when we come into conflict with anyone; take a time out.  Step away, get away, clear your head.  And then talk again once you are both cooled off.  Trying to talk and reason with someone when angry is like trying to solve a complex math problem while you are drunk.  It won't work.  Your brain just isn't working correctly when you are angry.  Anger clouds your judgment and you will just say a million things you will later regret saying.  So get alone, go ride a bike, go for a run when you are angry, and talk again once you are calmed down. 

"Don't sweep things under the rug. Open communication begins with getting things out in the open and not having them bottled up."
 
How many marriages end in divorce for this reason?  The couple NEVER talks about anything and as a result, the love dies.  When people say, "We just fell out of love."  Yeah it's because you stopped talking to each other and hanging out with each other, that's how that happened. 

Think of when you began and you were dating, you spent tons of time together and talked a lot yeah?  That is how you "fell in love" yes?  Then you got married, and he just watched TV and she always was out shopping or doing whatever and what happens?  The two who were in love then become strangers.  They don't know each other anymore and how can they if they never talk anymore?  They both stopped giving any effort to keeping the love alive.

I heard once that we all have our jobs, but marriage is to be viewed at as our part time job.  And God is our boss. :)  Like it?  Yes God cares about how we are with our spouses.  He cares about how much we try to make them happy.  He gave this person to us as a gift and he is watching to see if we are a good steward of what he gave us. 

So be a good steward and spend time with your spouse.  Invest in each other.  Do things that would make them happy. 

There is a book called the Love Dare.  Buy that and try some of the things in it for suggestions.  Don't stop talking to each other.  Don't let the TV take over your marriage.  Date like you did at the beginning and you will never "fall out of love."  Amen?  Amen :)

And if we are faithful in the small things God will bless us with bigger things. :)

"Be clear, honest and decisive with each other."

How often do people play games in marriage and relationships?  Women especially are guilty of this, but men can do it too also in being sarcastic.  That is a way of beating around the bush.  You are angry but don't want to say you are.  You want to talk about something but you bring it up indirectly through sarcasm.  Better to just say how you feel, clearly, so the problem can get resolved. 

And ladies, don't expect him to read your mind.  If you need something, tell him.  If you are hurt about something, tell him what it is and why and that hurt you. 

When things are kept secret that is when bitterness and resentment start to fester.  That is when Satan starts to work.  He loves things that are kept in the darkness.  But bring it into the light. 

If you think about it, it only really affects YOU when you are angry about something but won't talk about it.  It eats you up inside, gives you headaches, makes you tense. 

Holding a grudge against that person does nothing to them, despite the lies Satan feeds you that it is in some way hurting them.  It's not.  They may have no idea that you have this inner turmoil and suffering going on.  And how can they know if you don't tell them?  Be honest with your spouse.  Share whatever is on your heart.  Forgive, let go, and be totally open.  And move past it. 

"Look forward (opportunities) in relationships, not backward (fault finding, accusations)."
 
Amen.  I often think of the part of 1 Cor. 13 "Love keeps no record of wrongs."  But HOW OFTEN do we do just that?  We remember every mean thing that was ever said to us by someone and bring it up in every argument with them.
 
My husband and I just got to go a cruise, kind of a delayed honeymoon thing, thanks mom! :)  And there was this show on there, "The Game of Love."  A guy who had been married 48 years advised the guy who had just gotten married, "If she tries to fight with you don't fight back, because she will remember EVERYTHING you say."  haha and isn't that the truth. :)  Common women you know you do.
 
But if we want to have success in our marriages we need to look at the future, not the past.  The funny thing about the past is, you can't do ANYTHING about it, right?  If they already said they were sorry for that one thing, quit bringing it up.  Makes sense yeah?  I have failed on this many times though myself.  It is hard to not hold onto things.  It's hard to forgive and actually let things go, to actually forget about them.  But God removes our sins from us as far as the east is from the west.  He never brings them up again.  If he seems to that is Satan doing that, bringing up our old sins, not God.  Once we have confessed something, it's gone!  Praise Jesus! :)  So why can't we do the same with each other? 
 
Our flesh.  That is the answer.  We are constantly warring against the flesh and spirit.  If you feed the spirit you will be able to walk in the spirit better.  But if you feed the flesh, by dwelling on ways people have hurt you, you will walk in the flesh a lot easier, sadly.  So the choice is yours.  Will you walk in the Spirit and fix your eyes on the future?  Or will you follow your flesh and keep bringing up the past?  May God be with us in this. :)  Amen :)

(man I wish I could publish all this in a book someday.  Someday....lol I just might be the author of relationship and spiritual growth books who knows :)  God's will be done.)

"Try to see things from both sides and approach decisions with compromises instead of demands."

Of course marriage requires a lot of compromise.  If you really love someone, their opinion will matter to you.  You are a team, so communicate and act like a team.  If you want something done or you want to do something, try to say why you do and help the other person understand. 

"Try and keep a positive attitude -- that they're not being difficult for difficulty's sake, but instead have positive intentions. It always helps to believe there is a nice person in there somewhere."

This was the best rule I heard of from the author of the Love and Respect books.  Believe that your spouse has good intentions at all times.  Once you start to think that they are out to get you or that they don't really care, you have lost the battle in your mind and a fight with that person is inevitable.  Don't go there in your mind.  Always believe that they do care, even if they don't always act like it.  Granted sometimes they will only care about themselves because we are all fallen, depraved human beings, but for the most part, they do care about you because they love you. 

I love the quote, "The best thing you can do for your spouse is grow in your relationship with God."  And isn't that true?  God is our source of love.  The more we are connected to God, the better we will be able to love our spouse and anyone we know.  The more we are in tune with God, the more we will be able to see things positively and with hope. 

"Don't be a doormat for their antics. As one negotiator said, 'there are no victims, only volunteers.'"

Another good quote is, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  Also, "Do not give the key to your happiness to other people."  If we are letting someone else bring us down, it is because we are LETTING them. 

No one can have power over you unless you let them have power over you.  That is a good rule to remember in any situation with anyone.  We choose to give people the power to make us feel ashamed or embarrassed or anything like that.  It is all in the mind. 

If we focus on what God thinks of us rather than what others think of us, we will generally have more success in life and relationships. 

God says we are valuable and loved and cherished.  Therefore, it doesn't matter what other people say or think.  Why would an ant's opinion matter in comparison with the God of the universe?  It doesn't.  Fear God, not man.  "Fear of man proves to be a snare" but "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom."  Amen?  Don't let others have power over you.  God is your master and Lord, not other people. 

Something to think about, if you do let people have power over you or if you allow them to control you, they have become an idol for you.  They have become your god. 

(dramatic music please lol :)

"Always treat people with respect. Don't give them ammunition, give them courtesy and choice."

I love the concept that if we respect others, they will respect us.  This is almost always true.  The only reason someone might not be respecting us is because we first did not respect them.  Or it might be that someone else did not respect them so then they do not show us respect.  That happens too.  But generally if we are kind to others, they will be kind to us. 

If we disrespect our spouse or anyone, we are only giving them ammunition, as in we are only starting a war.  Disrespect breeds disrespect.  We can't sow disrespect and expect to not reap disrespect in return.  "Do to others as you would have them do unto you."  Why?  Because they will probably do to you as you do to them. 

So treat your spouse or others with respect and they, most likely, will respect you back. :)

"Humor can do a world of good in keeping the atmosphere from getting tense."

Yes, there is nothing that relieves tension better than humor.  Poking fun at each other can help if it is said with a smile.  Guys have this mastered.  If you ever see guys interact they are making fun of each other all the time, but as long as everything is said with a smile it is ok. 

Why do they do this?  To make each other less sensitive I suppose.  Women could probably learn from this practice.  But that is why women are generally more sensitive and take things more personally because we don't do this.  We don't learn to take ourselves with a grain of salt.  We all need to learn to not take ourselves too seriously.  We need to learn to laugh at ourselves more. :) 

So I hope that helps some or any of you reading this.  Marriage is hard, but there are ways to make it less hard. :)  The best way is to always show respect. :)

May God be with you!  Peace to you :)

From a Young Mother

This is pretty funny but also informative of what my future may look like lol :) (written by someone on Facebook)

 

TO: My Husband From: Your Stay at Home Wife/Mom

 

I often hear young moms complaining about their needs not being met.  About things they wish they had, wish they received, wished their husbands did…  And I realized…  not all husbands “get it.”  Some take longer to learn their wives than others.  And some wives don’t help the situation at all.  We play games.  We expect much but express little.  Today, I felt compelled to write a letter.  On behalf of stay at home moms.  If you've never said it.  Or he's never "gotten it."  I hope this helps.  


To: My Husband.
From: Your Stay at Home Wife/Mom.


I used to think it would be so romantic if you just knew me so well, that you knew exactly what I needed.  I would never have to verbally share with you my needs because if you really loved me, you would know what they were, even before I did.  You, my love, were to be nothing less than a mind reader. It sounded fabulous and romantic.   However, we’ve been married awhile now. And reality has set in.  You are an amazing man.  An incredible husband.  But I must tell you: You are horrible at mind reading.  And it’s not your fault.  I now get it.  It’s physically impossible. There’s nothing you can do to acquire this superpower that I wish you possessed.   So today, I am declaring that I am letting you off the hook.  No more guessing.  No more expectations unmet.  Today, I lay it out.  I’m giving you a peek into me.  But once you know, you are responsible for that knowledge.  No more playing dumb.  No more acting clueless.  You can choose to stop reading here if you enjoy the guessing game.  Ah, you’re still reading?  Awesome.  I love that about you.  You’re IN.  I knew it. 


Ok wait.  Before I express my needs, let me explain something that might be difficult to understand: 
I love our kids.  I love my role as a mom.  But honestly?  It’s tough.  And here’s the tricky part – those 2 things DO co-exist.  One doesn’t trump the other or cancel it out. I love it - And I’m tired. It’s an honor – But it’s exhaustingly hard work.  I’m fulfilled - And I’m drained.  Get it?  Me either.  It’s tricky and complex.  But it’s called Motherhood and I’m in the thick of it.  OK, so in light of that, here’s what I need.  Or want.  TomAto….TomAHto. Here’s the reality in no particular order…. 


1) I need to refuel.  And it’s not by grocery shopping with only 1 kid instead of all 3.  I need to get out of the house.  Alone.  I need to ride in my car and listen to adult music.  I want to use the public restroom in the small stall. The one without the changing station.  Alone.  I don’t need extravagance.  [I mean, I won’t turn down extravagance, of course.  But I don’t need it.] ;) You know what I’d love?  To wander the isles of Target for an hour.  Or to sit at Starbucks alone for 30 minutes.  Or to walk in a shopping mall without pushing a stroller.  It really is that easy.  Will I come back completely changed and ready to conquer the world? Honestly?  Sometimes yes.  But mostly, no.  But what I WILL come back with, is a little more life in me.  I will have a spring in my step.  It’s a little shot in the arm.  I reeeeallly need this.  When you ask if I want it, and I say, “I’m OK.”  I need you to tell me to go anyway. 
 
2) Please don’t call and ask what’s for dinner.  If anything, call and ask, “Do we have dinner plans?  If not, can I stop by the store and pick anything up?”  I love you.  And I love providing nourishment for our family.  But when I have spit up running down into my bra and a toddler who just learned to take off his own dirty diaper, The Call adds that little extra pressure in my day that just makes me want to accidentally change the locks on the front door.   


3) When I take the kids to the pool, please know that I didn’t spend the day poolside with a cocktail.  Sometimes I feel like that’s how you view the life of a stay at home mom.  In reality, every 2 minutes, I’m doing roll call to make sure everyone is above water.  “1..2..3..…1…2…3…” over and over and over and over.  I’m changing poopy swim diapers on hot concrete and peeling wet swimsuits off tiny bodies because they have to go potty AGAIN.  I’m schlepping towels and sunblock and swimming goggles and dive toys and flippers and water shoes and cover ups and diapers and wipes and snacks and drinks.  I have one child who has no fear of water and is jumping into areas he’s not allowed to, and another child who’s deathly afraid of the water and is leaving claw marks in my arm.  Blood has been drawn.  A walk in the park is not a walk in the park.  It’s chasing, and counting, and disciplining and refereeing.. A day at the pool is all of that, in a big hole of water.  Attempting to avoid death.  For real.


4) I’ve been nursing a baby all day long.  My “nursers” are over stimulated.  The last thing I desire when you get home from work, is to have one more person perusing the “food court.”  Those are not yours right now.  They are on loan to the person they were actually created for.   Your time will come.  It’s just not today.  If you will understand this and not let it become a point of tension, I’m certain you’ll get extra rewards in heaven. 


5) However, when we’re home and you walk by me in the kitchen and grab my butt, and I swat you away, I don’t mean it.  I secretly love that you still want to be playful and frisky.  The timing may not be right, or I just don’t know what to do with your playfulness because my brain is counting the number of loads of laundry waiting for me.  But please don’t stop.  I need to know you still like me.  I understand this is confusing in light of the point above.  I can’t explain everything.  I’m just informing.  I’m complex likethat. 


6) I need a Girls Night Out every once in awhile.  While we both know you rock, I  need some time with girlfriends as well.  Unless, of course, you would like to discuss bikini waxing, my period and the latest fashion trends with me.  No?  Cool. Girl’s Night Out it is.


7) I need non-sexual touch.  I know you don’t quite understand what that is.  Just pretend it’s valuable and possible.  The grabbing mentioned above is fun and all, but sometimes I just want to feel your arm on my shoulder, without it slowly moving a few inches south.  I need your physical affection without motive.  I need to know that you like to just be with me. 


8) When you walk in the door, let’s make a deal:  You won’t walk straight to the family room and collapse on the couch with the remote… And I won’t greet you at the door with all 5 kids, dump them on you and clock out.  When you come home from work, let’s do it together. Share the load.  If you need to decompress from your day at work, please take the long way home.  Drive around the block a few extra times if you need to.  Just don’t walk in and disconnect.  You are my Knight.  I love knowing you’re coming home.  I can’t feel like I have another child to care for when you walk in the door from work.  I need my partner.  My teammate.


9) That trip we took with the kids was awesome. We created family memories.  We had fun.  But that’s exactly what it was – a “trip.”  I now need a “vacation.”  A vacation is like a trip.  Just without the diapers and wipes and baby food and high chairs and primary color toys.  Oh, and without the tiny humans that come with those things.  Don’t get me wrong, I love those tiny humans. But a break to refuel, refresh, clear my mind, etc..is invaluable.  I have no way to explain what a true vacation will do to me. Other than to say hotel room sex is fabulous.  The end. 


10) When you come home to a clean house, be assured it didn’t look like that hours earlier. There were crackers smashed on the floor, toys everywhere, food smeared on walls, 8 outfit changes from our preschool daughter strewn around the house…  If you come home to a clean house, please notice.  Please say something.  Acknowledge that it obviously took superhuman powers to get it to the state it is.  It sounds silly and needy.  Maybe I am.  But you know that “atta boy” you got from your boss at work that made your day?  Ya, I need that too. 


11) When we go to a restaurant, sometimes I need you to offer to sit next to ‘the kid.’  You know, the one that needs extra assistance.  The one that cries and grabs and throws and needs.  When I say, “No, it’s OK. I’ll sit next to The Child” I need you to gift me with the break anyway.  I’m not saying every time.  But we both know that going to restaurants with The Child is difficult. I’d so appreciate sharing that load with you. 


12) I need to go on a date.  With you.  I need to wear clothes that don’t smell like any type of child’s body fluid.  I need to order food for just me.  I need to eat it while it’s hot.  I need to look into your eyes.  I need to hold your hand.  I need adult conversation.  And while the topic of kids might creep into our conversation, let’s commit to keeping that to a minimum.  We spent so much of our dating years getting to know each other. Asking questions.  I was your student and you were mine.  A lot has happened since then.  You and I have changed and grown. Let’s learn about each other again.  Re-discover who we are today.  Let’s know and be known.   Let’s date. 




Thank you for hearing me.
You may not understand it all.  I don’t even know if I do.
This season is glorious and difficult.
And in all the uncertainty, the only thing I do know is there is NO ONE I’d rather do this with, than you.
You are exactly the “who” I need. 
The other stuff is just the “what” I’d love from you.  I ask you to just try. 
And if you’re willing, I’d love a list like this from you in return. 
This is a tough season for us both. I know you have needs you rarely express as well and I’d love a peek into those if you’d be willing to share. 
I love you and love that we’re living in what we’ll someday call “the good old days.” 
You have my heart forever.
<3 Me

We are All Different

The sermon this morning was on the topic of toxic people.  It is ironic that it was on this topic because one time about 5 or 6 years ago when I was getting my oil changed I picked up a book in the mechanic shop titled "Dealing with Difficult People."  I was very intrigued by it and the mechanic even said I could keep it.  In the book it talked about different types of people that we come into contact with and somewhat told how to deal with them.  It talked about "the tank" and "the bulldozer" etc.  People who get angry more easily or some who like to dominate others and run people over.  

We all know other people are different from ourselves.  This is what can cause conflict, when we fail to understand the differences in the other people in our lives.  Everyone is not like us.  We are all unique.  But there are certain categories you can somewhat fit people into.  I like the personality illustration of the Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever and Beaver.  I am part lion and part otter.  I like to lead but I also just like to have fun often times too.  The Beaver is known for being organized; usually they are better with things than with people, and the Golden Retrievers are the most loyal personality type and make the best friends. 

In church he talked about four types of toxic people, or rather people acting in sin and what sin they tend to act out of more.  There is The Critic, The Downer, The Bully, and The Sponge.  The Critic would be the Phlegmatic person or the Beaver.  The Downer is most likely the melancholic or the golden retriever person.  The Bully is of course the lion, the leader, the type A choleric type person.  And the Sponge is sadly what I most identify with, The Otter.  :)

We all can have a bad side.  With The Critic, their bad side tends to be very critical of others.  This is the perfectionist.  The one who always has an idea on how something could be better.  It seems like they are always on the lookout for flaws in things or other people.  They like to fix things, even though others really don't appreciate their attempts to fix things.  I have traits of this because my mom is definitely The Critic.  In some ways I am grateful to her for this because it caused me to excel in most things I did.  Mediocre wasn't good enough.  She pushed me to do my best.  But sometimes, being critical hurts feelings, obviously.  The Critic is like the rabbit from Winnie the Pooh.  Our response to this person needs to be, "I will not give you the power to determine my worth."  God alone knows who we are because he created us.  We are the apple of his eye; He loves us no matter what we do.  So try to ignore the critical person in your life, when they are being critical, and listen to what God says about you instead.  You are his beloved child whom he loves unconditionally.  There is nothing you can do for him to love you more or less.  He loves you just as you are; I know this because "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Amen?  Amen :) 

Next there is the Downer.  This is Eor from Winnie the Pooh.  Something is always wrong.  The sky is always cloudy, or falling lol.  Nothing has ever gone right and nothing will ever go right in their opinion.  They always look at the negative side of things and think that the worst is going to happen.  They are referred to as a wet blanket sometimes.  They call themselves a realist but the rest of us know they are a pessimist.  They have what would seem to be a chronic negative syndrome.  Our response to this person needs to be, "I will not give you the power to determine my mood."  If they want to always focus on the negative, don't let them make you do the same.  Most of the people that have come across my path fit this personality type.  I am always urging them to "think positively."  "Don't assume the worse will happen." etc.  Try to lift them up when they are down.  They need someone to lift them up.  :)  But don't let them bring you down in the process.  Paul says, "Rejoice in the Lord always."  That's a command.  Always find something to be joyful about, because the fruit of the spirit is joy. :)

Thirdly, there is The Bully.  I am not sure what character in Winnie the Pooh this would be.  But it is the Lion, the A type choleric person.  They like to be in charge and control everything and everyone around them.  I can somewhat relate to this because I have always been very independent and I prefer being the leader over the follower.  But this person loves to be right and they love to be in control.  Sadly most of my main influences have been this personality type so that did not help.  My grandpa, dad and brother all fit into this category.  They like to tell people what to do.  They like to have their opinions heard and recognized.  But our response to these people needs to be, "I will firmly confront you if you attempt to intimidate me or control me."  Don't let them get away with trying to intimidate you, via sarcasm, a tone of voice, or even insulting you.  It is not love to let them continue to do this to you.  If you love them, you will confront them so that they cannot continue in the sin of potentially abusing you.  God says, "Be strong and courageous."  We are not to be weak willed and allow ourselves to be pushed around by people like this.  We are to be strong in the Lord and stand up for ourselves.  Paul says, "For God did not give you a spirit of timidity but of power and love and a sound mind."  We are not to be timid.  We are not to be a doormat and let people walk all over us.  God wants us to be firmly rooted and grounded, to be mature.  Don't let people boss you around.  You have only one boss, and his name is God.  Fear God, not people, because "fear of man proves to be a snare" but "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom."  Amen?  Amen :)

Lastly, there is The Sponge.  This is the emotionally needy person.  However they are also the most social person.  This would be the Tiggers from Winnie the Pooh.  They are always bounding with energy, always wanting to talk to someone.  This personality type can come off as annoying to the other three types but they are just people people.  They love to be around people.  I can relate most to this personality trait or type.  They need a lot more social interaction than most so they come off as The Sponge.  They may come off as clingy or needy.  They may give people the guilt trip if they don't want to hang out with them.  But our response to this person needs to be, "I will be lovingly honest without feeling guilty and set boundaries with you."  As in if you do not want to do something for this person or hang out with them say so and don't feel bad.  Everyone should be able to accept our no.  Everyone should be able to handle rejection without it totally crushing their spirit.  We all have our limits on what are willing to give other people.  Don't let this person make you feel guilty if you don't do as much as they want you to.  If you have reached your limit in giving, say so, rather than keep giving and then resent it.  That is much worse.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  It may be hard to say no to this person, but you can do it. :)

In the book "Dealing with Difficult People" he also talks about how some people can be The Tank, The Sniper, The Maybe Person, The Yes Person, The No Person, The Know It All, The Nothing Person.....

This article describes each of these in detail:

https://www1.cfnc.org/Home/Article.aspx?articleId=2olOzsjjUHXvsyKkZVf1DgXAP3DPAXXAP3DPAX&level=3XAP2FPAX6J7I3kztATGuYyXAP2BPAXDahIQXAP3DPAXXAP3DPAX



"1.The Tank [a.k.a the Bull; the Hostile-Aggressive]

This behavior is by far the highest on most people's unwanted list. When calm and cool, a Tank-like individual is task-oriented and wants to get good results. When stressed, however, the focus on people and their feelings is almost completely obscured by a concentration only on the task.
Tanks want to be in control, to get things done, and often become angry and irrational when they don't get what they're looking for. Some can be quite pushy and aggressive, while others are hostile with a quieter intensity. Regardless of variations, all Tank behavior is rooted in a strong sense of controlling what others do.

2.The Sniper [a.k.a. the Snitch; the Credit-Stealer; the Fox]

When acting normally, Snipers like attention, like people and love charming the crowd. When Snipers become stressed, however, they gain attention at other people's expense by using sarcasm.
They are also famous for verbal shoot-downs in public or sneaky, hurtful dealings behind your back. Your humiliation and passivity confirm to them how clever they really are. Some snipers have better intentions than others, but they all fire indirect or disguised shots at you from behind cover.

3.The Grenade [a.k.a. the Exploder; the Time Bomb]

Grenade behavior is typified by someone who is nice and eager to please but then just blows up from time to time without cause or warning. What's happening here? These nice people are just so eager to meet other people's needs that they forget about their own. When their well of friendliness is sucked dry, they explode with verbal attacks and fault finding.

4. The Know-It-All [a.k.a. the Show-Off Expert; the Bulldozer]

Virtually everyone has a Know-It-All in their life. When functioning normally, Know-It-Alls are smart, capable people and gems of productivity with good ideas and high standards of quality. They basically get things done and know exactly how to do it.
However, when under pressure, a Know-It-All's need to be right and perfect is at the expense of other members of the team. There is a stubbornness to accept alternative ideas, and they may even see them as a threat or a put-down to their own brilliant plans.

5. The Think-They-Know-It-All [a.k.a. the Pseudo-Experts; the Balloons]

Unlike Know-It-Alls, these pseudo-experts do not usually know what they're talking about. Often, they are only partially aware that they are speaking beyond their knowledge, but because they crave attention and praise, they eagerly offer opinions.
Since they tend to get involved in topics they're not knowledgeable enough to debate, their logic ends up being faulty or they set themselves up for embarrassment, which can cause bitterness or resentment.

6. The Yes Person [a.k.a. the Super-Agreeable]
It's hard to believe that such sweet and agreeable people could ever be difficult, but the frustration of others does emerge when it comes time to getting things done.
Yes behavior is rooted in a need to get along with everyone. Fear of disapproval or dejection causes them never to say no or challenge an idea. As such, they take on too much, inducing such stress so that, in the end, nothing ends up getting accomplished.

7. The Maybe Person [a.k.a the Indecisive; the Avoider]

Like the Yes Person, Maybes want desperately to be liked and avoid disapproval and conflict. However, instead of agreement, they avoid disapproval by avoiding decisions. They don't want to be blamed for bad decisions and don't want to make people mad by committing.
This behavior is best seen in people who beat around the bush a lot -- a Maybe's way of compromising between honesty and not hurting someone's feelings. Obviously, productivity is in jeopardy when decisions can't be made by Maybe people.

8. The Nothing Person [a.k.a. the Information-Horder; the Stone Wall; the Clam]

Like the Tank, people with the Nothing trait like to be in control, but they do this by avoidance rather than by aggression. There is usually very little verbal and non-verbal feedback and no volunteered discussion.
Timid Nothings keep ideas quiet to avoid conflict. Perfectionist Nothings figure no one would understand their genius plan, so they let the others do it their own way. Manipulative, controlling Nothings end up leading the discussion since they gather data and force you to get it out of them rather than offer it up.

9. The No Person a.k.a. the Negativist; the Pessimist; the Idea-Destroyer]

No behavior is a standard for perfectionists because of its focus on mistakes and flaws in the task at hand.
As the name suggests, discouragement, cynicism and disagreement are trademarks of No people. They can often bring discussions to a halt since no solution is good enough for them. They look for limitations rather than possibilities.

10. The Whiner [a.k.a. the Complainer; the Wallower]

You can recognize a Whiner in any person who has a strong need to be taken care of. When stressed -- usually with a difficult problem -- Whiners resort to pessimism and statements like "This is just too hard to learn." They want everything done right but when things don't turn out as expected, Whiners become hopeless, complain or want others to solve their worries for them." The article also then gives advice on how to deal with each of these people which is also very interesting.

In the sermon he also said we need to accept our limitations; meaning we cannot change people, only God can, if he chooses to.  We need to accept our differences and understand that other people are different from ourselves and love them anyways.  We need to seek to understand each other as much as we can.  Don't assume that everyone is like you, because they are not. 

We are what we are.  God made us all how he did for a reason.  I love what Paul says about how all of us are different in 1 Cor. 12.  He says how we are all a part of the body of Christ, if we are saved.  And all the parts are needed.  "If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I am not of the body,” is it therefore not of the body? ¹⁶ And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I am not of the body,” is it therefore not of the body? ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where would be the smelling? ¹⁸ But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased. ¹⁹ And if they were all one member, where would the body be?
²⁰ But now indeed there are many members, yet one body. ²¹ And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.....” ^{22  .}if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it."

Amen?  Amen.  What part in God's body of the church are you?  I think I am the mouth, since I love to write so much lol. :)  I know my best friend and mom are more like the ear because they are great listeners.  People who have a vision for the future would be like the eye of the body of Christ, being the church.  People who love to do things and serve with their hands are the hands.  People who love to travel to other countries and evangelize are the feet.  People who feel a lot of compassion for others are the heart.  People who love to study and learn more and have grown much in wisdom are the brain. 

There is a book called Sacred Pathways that describes how each of us find our own way to connect with and serve God.  We are all different and we all see God in different ways.  Just because someone sees or hears from God differently than us does not make us or them wrong, just different.   Some see God more in nature; that is me.  Some see God more in structured services; that is not me lol.  Some see God more in music and worship; that is also me.  Some see God more in meditation; that is sometimes me.  We all connect with God differently because we are all different. :)  Check out that book sometime.  It will help you understand yourself and others more. :)

May we seek to understand and accept that we are all different and see that we all have a part to play in the body of Christ.  We will all always be different, but we were created differently for a reason.  May we come to understand what that reason is for ourselves, and for those around us. :)  Instead of judging others who are different than you, be thankful that God made them able to do something that you cannot do.  Rejoice that they are different because they add more flavor to the body of Christ!  Amen :)  God bless!  Peace be with you :)

Like New

I was thinking about how the bumper on my car used to have all kinds of marks on it from accidents I have been in, but my brother one time covered over all of it with a little bottle of white pain and made my car look like new again! yay Nate!  
 
And that's what Jesus does with us isn't it? 
 
He covers over all the marks we get from accidents and chaos throughout our lives and makes us like new again. He makes us as white as snow again. 
 
I remember one time in a sermon by Mike Erre he was like, "When God looks at you He doesn't see you, He sees Jesus.  ISN'T. THAT. COOL?!" lol :)  Yes it is!  We praise you Jesus for how gracious you have been with us! :)
 
"He who has been forgiven much, loves much."
 
"Though your sins be as scarlet you shall be white as snow." 
 
"Behold the old has gone, the new has come." 
 
Amen? Amen God bless!

Born to be Free

First of all, if you are reading this, buy the book "Born to be Free" on amazon RIGHT NOW! lol

 

 You may say you don't have time to read, but you make time for what you want to make time for. Turn off the TV and read this book that will change your life for sure!

It is kind of like the book the Bondage Breaker, which is about breaking bonds in our lives that have been formed by Satan. This book gives more info on the subject though. 

 

The best chapter in here is one I just read about curses.  Did you know we can speak curses over ourselves with any negative self talk we say?  I always KNEW that was so powerful and so destructive. 

 

Other people can also curse us such as if a parents says "I wish you had never been born!"   They then just cursed their kid.  Literally :(  Sad but true. 

 

The good news is though that these curses can be broken through prayer, praise Jesus! 

 

If anyone has ever cursed you or you have inadvertently cursed yourself pray aloud, "By the power and blood of Jesus I declare that.....whatever was said....has no power over me anymore. I declare that that bond is broken. In the name of Jesus. And I declare that I can have the abundant life Jesus speaks of. Amen!" 

 

And it's very important you say that aloud! Very.

 

I have a huge praise report on this.  Almost no one has ever spoken a curse over me!  Praise God! :)  Thank you so much to my mom for being such a good mom and so kind and patient with me.  But even my dad, as mean as he was, never cursed me.  He cursed my brother many, many times which I know is why my brother has so many problems today.  "Life and death are in the power of the tongue."  But he never said anything really mean to me surprisingly. 

 

It's not true that sticks and stones may hurt my bones but words can never hurt me.  Words can not only hurt us, they can curse us. :(  wow.....crazy revelation here. lol :)

 

But for me no teacher or friend or almost anyone ever said a curse over me or anything really mean like "you'll never amount to anything etc."  Praise God!  God protected me from vindictive, evil people for the most part!

 

The only "curse" that may have been spoken over me was my brother said to me "One day you're just going to snap."  Given what happened to me.  I understand why he said it but regardless he was speaking a curse over me. 

 

So "by the power and blood of Jesus I rebuke that curse and declare that those words from him have no power over me anymore!!!!  amen!  In the name of Jesus I will NOT snap!"  woot! lol :)

 

That is what you can say aloud for any curse you may have had said over you and that you may have said to yourself.  If you have ever said to yourself that you will never do something, you cursed yourself.  If you ever said you were fat or ugly or not talented, you cursed yourself.  So be very careful what you say to yourself.  And BREAK THOSE BONDS right now!  In the name of Jesus.

 

And as a side note, yes I have been watching a lot of TBN lately lol  If you can tell. :)  Watch TBN!  There is some good stuff on there! :)

 

But, as a word of caution, don't watch anything on TBN from Benny Hinn.  He is a bit off I would say, ok, extremely off.  I do not think his power comes from God but rather from the evil one, being Satan.  You can disagree with me if you like, but something seems very wrong with all the things he does.  :(  I do not believe he actually heals people, I believe he hypnotizes them with black magic.  So when you are getting into this Holy Spirit stuff be careful of the crazy stuff. :(  Test the spirits.  Don't fall for everything.   

 

Jesus was all about peace and order.  Benny Hinn's ceremonies are anything but peaceful and orderly.  So be on your guard against false prophets and false teachers. 

 

But this book is legit, it's great, the guy is totally sound on his theology.  So check it out!  :)

24 States

My husband and I might take a cruise to the Bahamas soon and road trip to Miami from here in TX woohoo! Then I would be able to say I've been to 24 states instead of 20 yay.....

I have been to Washington, Oregon, Cali, Hawaii, Alaska, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Wyoming, South Dakota, Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, now Texas, Florida, New Mexico....and I will be able to add to that list Arkansas finally (always have wanted to see that state), Lousiana, Mississippi, and Alabama yay.....

And I've been to 9 other countries so far :) Mexico, Taiwan, India, Thailand, Jamaica, the Grand Cayman Islands, Haiti, Korea, and Australia. woot! :)

As a side note I would just like to say how cool it is that people in Russia are reading my blog! :)  May God use what I write on here to change the world!  Amen :)

12 Steps

12 STEPS with BIBLICAL BACKUP...   So I'm going to a Celebrate Recovery at my new church.  Mainly because of what happened with my dad when I was younger but also to recover from the recent death of a loved one.    I thought I would go through the steps on my blog here.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:18 NIV)   I, it would seem, am powerless over my anger.  For whatever reason I get angry quite easily.  I think it is anger about what my dad did that I still have not fully processed.  I know I have anger at men in general as a result of my abuse.  This comes out on most guys I meet sadly enough.  So I do admit I am powerless over my ability to control my anger.  I cannot just not get angry.  My compulsive behavior would be incessant worrying and paranoia that whoever I'm with will end up liking someone else.    Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose. (Philippians 2:13 NIV)   I know God is able to help me with my anger.    Step 3: We took a decision to turn our life and will over to the care of God. Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1 NIV)   I did that when I was 14 and do every day.    Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. (Lamentations 3:40 NIV)   When I am honest with myself I know my anger is a problem and that it very much affects those closest to me.    Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. (James 5:16 NIV)   I have admitted to my group that I struggle with getting angry easily and now I am on here to whoever you are reading this.    Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all our defects of character. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. (James 4:10 NIV)   Gladly. lol :)   Step 7: We humbly ask Him to remove all our shortcomings. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9 NIV)   God will you help me overcome this anger problem I have.  Will you help me to have more peace, to trust you and those I love, and to not worry so much?  Thank you. :)   Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Do to others as you would have them do to you. (Luke 6:31 NIV)   Oh this would be a very long list if I was honest.  The very first person I probably offended was my mom in getting angry about her divorcing my dad, but now I see obviously why she needed to.  I got angry at my brother several times.  I broke a lot of hearts of guys that I dated but I won't list all the names.  There were probably about 10 or so though that I very much regret hurting.  I know in any job I quit I hurt the boss if I didn't give two weeks notice.  I know I hurt my dad by not talking to him, even though he somewhat deserved it.  I know I've hurt my step dad over the years in not being more friendly to him.  I know I recently hurt my grandma when I scared her one night and left without saying where I was going.  I know I've scared my best friend a few times with my anger.  Sorry Ash. :(  I know I hurt a guy I loved deeply many, many times and I hope God can tell him in heaven how sorry I am.  I know I hurt the guy I am with now all the time, and I am sorry about that too.  I know I have been rude to family members of those I loved and I'm sorry about that also.    Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24 NIV)   This step would be somewhat impossible since I don't have a way to get in touch with all these people.  But I should write my grandma a letter. :)  I have said sorry to my mom and step dad.  I don't know if I ever have to my brother, possibly.    Step 10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall. (1 Corinthians 10:12 NIV)   I'm getting better about this. :)   Step 11: We sought, through prayer and meditation, to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry that out. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly. (Colossians 3:16 NIV)   I have been reading my Bible more lately and praying more, praise God. :)   Step 12: Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we pledged to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs. Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. (Galatians 6:1 NIV)   Hence me writing this.  I also gave my testimony last night at Celebrate Recovery which was very good.  And yes in general I need to remember to be more humble and point the finger at myself before I do at others.  I need to remove the plank from my own eye first for sure. :)