My Life Story

My life has been quite difficult at times but I still know God cares deeply for me.   I have been a committed Christian since I was 14.  My dad molested me from the time I was a baby till 6.  He was, what seemed to be, a devoted follower of God.  He and my mom went to bible studies almost every night, they went door to door evangelizing, he led worship at church, he worked in the kid’s ministry.  Most people have told me they would think this would lead me to hate God and hate church, but on the contrary it has brought me closer to God.  When he is all you have you realize that he is all you need.  Also, since my biological father was not really a father God has been my father since I was 6, and he is the best dad a girl could have anyways. 

My parents officially divorced when I was 10 and that actually made me question my mom and her faith.  The Bible says God hates divorce and I certainly pointed that out to her a lot.  At the time I was quite angry about the divorce and as a result wanted nothing to do with God or church.  I snuck out a lot, lied to my mom, shoplifted, drank, smoke....all cause I thought what do I have to live for now?  Why should I have goals?  For what reason should I try to be good when my family is already broken? 

Then at 14 my mom and I moved to California from Nebraska.  I bought some Christian music at the Harvest Crusade and listened to that a lot that summer.  That really changed my concept of God and gave me hope.  Also, my grandma was quite adamant about getting me saved.  She kept telling me, "You know you're special, and God has something for you to do that no one else can do."  So I started to believe her.  I started to think God really did care about me and maybe I would do great things someday.  In a service in church we were singing the song Shout to the Lord, and in that moment the light came on for me.  That was the moment when I was like, "Ok God, I recognize that you created everything and you are powerful and you are worthy of my respect, so I will do whatever you ask me to."  I started respecting my mom more.  I had goals and made the right friends at school.  I was actually excited about life, and I had a joy and a peace that I had never had before.  My high school years were the best years of my life. 

I then went on to Biola University and got my BA but could not find a good job out of college, so worked on a cruise ship for awhile and then moved to Nebraska with my brother. 

I did not know the details about what happened with my dad until my mom told me about 2 years ago.  To process it I wrote a semi book.  In that I wrestled with what happened to me, my family, and why God allows horrible things to happen.  Then about a month ago my husband of two years died.  Ironically he died right before we were going to start a family together.  He went out drinking one night with a co-worker after not having drank for a year and the mixture of the alcohol, Klonopin he was on for his anxiety, Cialis for his circulation, testosterone shots, and anti-biotics since he thought he was sick that day killed him.  I certainly then wanted to question how much God cares about me.  I was like, "Why has God allowed so much bad stuff to happen to me?"  As was said last Wednesday night at church, most people when faced with evil and pain either decide that God is not all powerful or that he is not all good.  I still believe both.  I know this life can be incredibly difficult sometimes because of free will.  We all chose to go our own way sometimes and we think we know what is best for our lives.  Ultimately though we all know what is best is what God wants for us, and I continue to trust that he has great plans for my life. 

And my favorite verses are....

"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

"Though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy."

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."