On Grieving

Letter to a Friend:

My step-dad suggested when I moved back here to buy a book on grieving. I bought several but have not looked at them for the 3 weeks since they arrived. Today I finally started reading one of them. I'm not sure if you read any books on grieving when your mom died so I thought I'd share some quotes from them with you. Maybe they could help you too or you could relate. You are actually the only person I know who lost someone very close like I did. 

Over the last month I have been asking God a lot, "Why?" "Why did you take Roger, my best friend?”

My conclusion is something I always thought before when I heard of people dying at a young age.  I think when our mission on this earth is complete, God takes us home.  His mission, I believe, was to help me trust men again after what my dad did.  Ironically he said his goal when he met me was to prove to me that not all men were like that, and he did.  He was very honest and very trustworthy.  I never thought I would trust a man enough to have kids with him, because I always had the fear that whoever I married would do to my daughter what my dad did to me.  But I completely trusted that he would always protect our someday daughter.

So I grew a lot being with him. I think God put him in my life just to get me to the point of being able to trust and then he took him.  I keep thinking how God's ways are higher than our ways, and how Job asked God “why” many times. He told God he felt he didn't deserve what was happening to him; he was a good guy. But God only said in response, "who are you to question me?"  So I believe he has a reason and a bigger plan for me, and I am still trying to figure out what that is. 

Here are some quotes that resonated with me.....

From Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright:

(I like this book because it was written by someone who is Christian and who lost his son, so he has been there and he understands.)

"You and I will be different because of our grief.  Your walk with God may also be different- even deeper, as it was with Job."

"It will expose who we really are inside."

"When a person is born we celebrate; when they marry we jubilate, but when they die we act as if nothing has happened." 

"Some fight the pain through denial.  We say, 'No, it isn't true!' or attempt to live our lives as though nothing has happened." 

"You're trying to make sense of the non-sensical."

"Your loss may have been gradual, or it could have been as sudden and traumatic as the planes crashing into the towers of New York." 

Yes the shock of it coming out of nowhere was very odd, so unexpected.  When people die slowly of cancer it seems that would be easier in that you have warning; you can prepare.  But in what happened with Roger, he was perfectly healthy and fine one day and dead the next.  That isn't supposed to happen, it would seem.

Ironically one month or so after falling in love with Roger I felt God asking me, " Would you be ok if he died?"  I thought it was a test or something to make sure I wasn't idolizing him.  I said in response, "Yes I would be ok.  I know you would get me through it just as you have gotten me through so much already, and I know you are always there. I know you aren't going anywhere."

"In times of upheaval, a voice from heaven says, 'Be still and know that I am God.' It doesn't say, 'Be still and know why.'" 

So true; God never explains himself.

My all-time favorite passage from scripture is when God responds to Job’s questioning....

The Lord Speaks

Job 38 Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

2 “Who is this that obscures my plans
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

 

Job 40 The Lord said to Job:

2 “Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
Let him who accuses God answer him!”

3 Then Job answered the Lord:

4 “I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
5 I spoke once, but I have no answer—
twice, but I will say no more.”

And Is. 55:8-10 says…

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

 

Therefore, not my will but thy will be done God.