How To Fight Fair

It is inevitable that couples will fight.  The question is, do we know how to fight well?  Do we know how to fight fair?

(The credit for this blog goes to Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend from their video series Men and Women: What Do We Really Want.  I recommend you buy it! :)

There is a difference in relationships between differences and disagreements.  Differences are when you just have a difference of opinion on various topics.  Every couple will be different from each other in many ways, because every single person on the face of this planet is unique.  There is no one like you.  There never has been anyone like you.  And there never will be anyone like you.  So you will be different from each other.   

I once heard, "If both of you are exactly the same then ONE of you isn't necessary."  Amen?

Disagreements can actually be useful for a couple, if they will view them that way.  Conflict is inevitable in any relationship and a couple should not be scared of conflict.  Fighting in the fullest sense is not good, but conflict sometimes is necessary.  Did you know a meaning of the word confront is "to turn your heart toward someone."  Sometimes couples will feel EVEN closer after a conflict.  Why is this?  Because respect may have been earned again for one person or the other when concerns are expressed and voiced.  If a woman is not feeling loved she may be able to express her hurt in this and hopefully her spouse will respond well. 

The good end result of a conflict is that a problem is solved.  It can take away a distance or gap that was beginning to form between the couple, a type of cold war.  Silence is not "golden," it is living death in a relationship.  If there is to much silence, something is wrong.  Someone is not saying something that they really want to.  Conflict can bring life to a seemingly dead relationship. 

Conflicts are needed for relational growth. 

I love the verse, "As iron sharpens iron, SO ONE MAN SHARPENS ANOTHER."  What does it look like when iron sharpens iron?  We are not familiar with the process of making swords as they do not really exist anymore.  But in Jesus' day a sword was made by striking two pieces of metal or iron together.  This would create many sparks.  You would have to hit the metals together hard in order to sharpen the sword. 

Now take this analogy and apply it to a marriage or any relationship.  There will be sparks.  It will hurt when your personalities and differences hit against each other.  But it WILL make you sharper. 

This could be applied to any trial of life.  When hard times come we need to not despair.  God might just be trying to make us SHARPER.  I know I am sharper in many ways BECAUSE of everything I have gone through.  And God is continuing to grow me, shape me and sharpen me.  I have given him permission to do so on several occasions. lol 

"We do not grow on the hilltops.  We grow in the valleys." 

In many areas of life sometimes there has to be a death first before there can be a resurrection.  Jesus says in John 12, "Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds."  Sometimes we have to die before we can be reborn and come to life again.  In relationships, our selfishness has to die, our pride, our bitterness.  We need to have a re-birth sometimes before we can function normally in the relationship again.  As the saying for sports goes, "No Pain, No Gain."  Likewise, we have to go through the valley of a disagreement to come out on the hilltop of peace and understanding with our spouse.  We have to kill our pride before we can be humble.  We have to kill our selfishness so that we can serve our spouse as God commands us to. 

Also, when you come to your spouse or special person with a disagreement you NEED to have a solution in mind. You can say, "Here is the problem, and here is what I would like the solution to be. In the future maybe we can...." Then the person will know what you are asking for. 

Make sure that the other person knows that you love them NO MATTER WHAT, first and foremost.

And you will need to feel comfortable with saying, "I am angry" or "I am mad about this certain situation."  If we cannot voice our anger we will end up stuffing it, which I talked about in my last blog.  Stuffing anger is very unhealthy.  It is also unhealthy to give full vent to your anger.  Find the mean, the in between ground, the middle. 

Also, remember YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for your wants and desires, NOT the other person.  So you need to tell them what you want and desire.  Do NOT expect them to read your mind.  They are not God; they cannot read your mind. 

We need to learn how to SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE to each other.  We need to express what we are feeling but we need to do it carefully and with gentleness and respect for the other person.

We also need to be direct and specific when presenting a problem.   

Here are some RULES regarding fighting fair:

1. Do NOT criticize the other person.

When you are angry with them do not attack their character.  Do not say if some is being mean, "You are a jerk" etc.  The one word "are" implies that they have gone from just acting like a jerk to you then saying that that is a part of their essence.  Is it?  Are they ALWAYS a jerk?  Or do they generally love you and act kindly towards you?  Probably they generally act lovingly towards you or two would not be together right? 

Instead say, "I felt hurt when you....."  You need to start with vulnerability so it does not come across as attacking the other person.  If you cannot do this calmly you may need to put yourself on time out until you can.  I am serious. lol.  Adults need time outs too! 

Another way we criticize a person's character is by using words such as "always" or "never."  "You are always late!"  Are they really always late?  Probably not.  Or, "You never take the trash out!"  Is that true?  Probably not. 

2. Do NOT show contempt for the other person.

You may be angry with them at the moment but DO NOT stew on your anger.  Women usually are more guilty of this.  Do not dwell on your angry and negative thoughts toward the other person.  This is when Satan can have a foothold in your mind, because YOU are letting him!  That is why the Bible says, "Do not let the sun go down on your anger."  You need to DEAL with it!  If you do not it will eat your soul away and your relationship with the other person.  You may not realize how much of an effect it is having.  It has a gradual effect. 

Little by little, bitterness kills love.  Love CANNOT grow where there is bitterness.  That is why a quote says, "The best marriages are made up of two very good forgivers."  Amen?  So practice forgiving more and you will be much, much happier, in all your relationships. :)

3. Do NOT but up defenses.

Many people do this by not REALLY listening.  Or they may try to justify why they did what they did to make the other person angry.  The man may say, "You know it really hurt me when you yelled at me this morning."  And the wife might snap back with, "Well if you wouldn't have....abc...."  We all know what this is.  We have all done it. 

If the person you are with is trying to start an open and honest conversation with you to work on an issue do not shoot them down.  Do not react so quickly.  If they are coming to you in love, try to hear what they have to say and really consider it. 

4. Do not "Stone Wall." 

Usually guys are more guilty of this but in my relationship with my late husband I was the one who did this a lot.  It is when someone just shuts down.  I used to explain to him that it was like a mental sign came up for me, "Windows is shutting down." lol. 

This happens when one person does not want to go there.  It can be a reaction from feeling attacked by the other person.  In any case, it is not good.  The disagreement will only continue if one person is "stone walling" because the issue does not get solved. 

The other person brought up the issue for a reason.  They wanted to talk about it. 

Sometimes discussing does not work to well if couples have a lot of hurt feelings from past arguments.  In that case, writing a letter might be best if one wants to express a concern to the other one. 


These are some things to keep an eye out for in arguments.  In any disagreement, it would be ideal to start with reassuring the other person that you still love them, despite your frustrations with them.  Otherwise, it can seem like an attack.  Try using "I" statements rather then "You" statements.  Start with how you feel.  Maybe say something that you like about your relationship first and then explain the problem that you would like to discuss. 


I hope you found these tips useful.  I know I learn a lot from Cloud and Townsend all the time!  They have SO MUCH relationship knowledge it is just astounding really.  Buy a book or two of theirs.  It will help you tremendously!  The first book I would recommend is Boundaries. :)

May God come into your marriages or relationships and heal any parts that He needs to heal.  He can and WILL if you ask him to.  PRAY together as a couple.  Pray that God would PROTECT you from attacks from the evil one.  He is trying ALL day EVERY day to dis-unify us from everyone around us.  Pray that God would bring peace to ALL of your relationships. :)

May he grow you more and more into the person he wants you to be as you SHARPEN each other.  May you grow to understand more and more God's love for you as you feel the love from your spouse.  May he teach you more and more how to love as you learn to love your spouse better and better.   

God be with you all!  May he bless your marriages and relationships!  Amen :)