Chapter 9: Why is Forgiveness Important?

Forgiving Others

            The best quote I have heard about forgiveness is, “forgiveness is like setting a prisoner free and realizing that prisoner was yourself.”  It does not affect the one we have forgiven if we hold on to our bitterness, it only affects ourselves.  The other person does not need to ask for forgiveness for us to forgive them. 

            The primary reason why I forgive is to have peace myself about all that has happened to me.  To not forgive would mean I think they still owe me something.  I have let them go.  I do not expect anything from anyone.  My dad never helped pay for my first car or my college.  I did not ask him to. 

            It helps to look at the sickness of the person who violated us.  I know my dad had and still has many, many issues. 

            When I was 18 and a senior in high school I visited him one last time.  I actually was appalled at the man he had become, or that he had always been but I was too young to really see it when I was in junior high.  I came to the realization that he had almost no sense of morality.  I realized he had not raised, my mom and my grandma raised me.  I had adopted their morals and virtues, not his.  I did not acquire anything from him. 

            It helped to see the state of his mind, because it caused to me feel only pity for him rather than anger over what had happened.

            It is possible that I forgave him right away as a seven year old child, because I never held it over his head. 

            I do not talk to him now because he continues to say abusive things.  He seems to be slipping farther and farther down a hole of depravity and bitterness himself, perhaps because he still has not forgiven himself. 

Forgiving Ourselves

            The hardest time I have had with forgiveness is forgiving myself.  Typically survivors of childhood sexual abuse end up blaming themselves for what happened.  The reason, for me, was that it was too painful to admit that my own father was capable of so much evil.  The same father who took my brother and I sledding or took us fishing or laughed and played with us.  The same father who was so outgoing and friendly.  The same father who took us to church and tried to teach us about the Bible.

            It helped when I realized I could not have done anything in that situation to prevent it.  Also, I was not responsible for acting in an incorrect manner with my dad.  I had no knowledge that it was wrong when I was three or four.  The entire weight of God’s judgment rests on my dad’s shoulders, and someday he will have to account for what he did to God. 

I have also had a hard time forgiving myself for times I disobeyed God in relationships with guys.  My mom said once, “it’s ok and normal if you want a guy to hold you.”  That was all I was looking for, but we live in a fallen world.  The desires we have that are pure usually only get fulfilled in skewed ways.  I wanted love, but I only found lust.   

God forgave me and Scripture states, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:12).  It is interesting that it does not say as far as the north is from the south.  That would be a far distance but there is a limit to is because of the north and south poles.  East to west has no limit.  The distance goes on indefinitely.  Therefore, we could not symbolically even go to the other side of the world to find our sins, they are removed from us forever, never to be found again. 

One of my favorite verses is, “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1).  Therefore, anytime Satan tries to tell any of us we are guilty we can shout this verse back at him.  It is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance.  But Satan, “is the accuser of our brothers” (Rev. 12:10).  Satan wants us to feel guilty so we will not progress in our Christian walk.  He tries to weave a web of lies so that we will be stuck in his web forever so that he can pounce on us like a black widow.  His goal is to suck the life out of us. 

God’s goal is that we have life.  Jesus said, “the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). 

Some say that God only wants to constrict us with a list of rules.  The truth is he sets up guidelines for life because he loves us.  In the same way a parent would not want  a child to burn themselves on a hot stove, God does not want us to get drunk or have sex before marriage because he as a loving father knows what is best for us.  He does not wants to restricts us.  On the contrary the Bible says, “If the son sets you free, you will be free indeed!” (John 8:36).

God gave Christians the gift of forgiveness to set them free as well.  It is not something we resent doing.  It is a joy to forgive.  Try a social experiment.  You will find that the most unhappy people forgive no one, and the most happy people can forgive anyone for anything. 

Forgiveness does not mean that you let people walk all over you.  There is a wonderful book on this issue called Boundaries that I would recommend.  Jesus was not pushed around.  He was not a shy and quiet teddy bear like people see to think.  Throughout his whole ministry he had a verbal war with the Pharisees.  He hated their hypocrisy, just like he hates any hypocrisy in the church today, and he made sure that they knew how he felt. 

A great example of forgiveness in Scripture is Joseph in the old testaments.  His 12 brothers had sold him into slavery in Egypt.  When he see them years later he could have had them thrown in jail, since he had become basically the vice president of Egypt.  But he told them, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt!  And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you” (Gen. 45: 4-5).  Joseph ended up saving Egypt from a severe famine that lasted seven years.  In retrospect he could see what God’s purpose was for his pain.  He still loved his brothers, despite what they did.  His response is to be our response when people hurt us. 

It helps to keep in perspective that whatever our enemies or Satan mean to harm us, God can turn into our good.  I have many stories of people being in the hospital when they are miraculously cured by God.  Their injury that led them to the hospital was not good, but God displaying his power through healing them was good.  What my dad did was not good, but if he did it in order to glorify himself by using my life as a testimony to his power, then it is wonderful!  Paul said in Romans, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God” (Romans 12:1).  May my body and life be used as a sacrifice unto God.