Chapter 3: I Surrendur ALL

            When I was 14, praise Jesus, my mother and I moved back to California before my freshman year in high school to get me away from my dad.  It also got me away from the bad road I was going down and gave me a fresh start.  I was given a second chance at life. 

My grandma was very adamant about my mom and I getting out of Nebraska.  I later learned that when she was 18 her own father raped her, literally.  She went to visit him in a hotel one day, and he raped while he was intoxicated. 

Needless to say, she did not want me being remotely close to my dad once I hit puberty.  Her fears were probably accurate, because he did tell my mom he was afraid of himself and what he might do. 

My attitude about life began to change after we moved, because My grandma made a point of always telling me, “God made you special and he has something for you to do that no one else can do,”

She has had a few close calls to death and has actually seen angels a few times in her life, so she has an incredible faith.  I always admired her passion for life and wisdom.  She was a huge encouragement to me in that time.

            My mom took me to something called the Harvest Crusade at the Angels stadium in Anaheim.  I saw many Christian bands in concert and for the first time really fell in love with Christian music.

 I bought a CD by a singer named Jennifer Knapp and I remember listening to that CD the summer after my 8^th grade year in CA over and over and over again.  Her lyrics to the song Refine Me really resonated with me, and that song would save me several times from bad relationships with non Christian boys who tried to pressure me to have sex with them. 

Here are the lyrics from the song “Refine Me”, hopefully it can bless you too:

I come into this place, burning to receive your peace.

I come with my own chains, the wars I fought for my own selfish gain.

You’re my God and my father.  I’ve accepted your son.

But my soul feels so empty now.

What have I become?

Lord, come with your fire, burn my desires, refine me.

Lord, my will has deceived me, please some and free me, refine me.

My heart can’t see what I only look at me.

My soul can’t hear, when I only think of my own fears.

They are gone in a moment, you’re forever the same.

Why did I look away from you, how I speak your name.

Lord, come with your fire, burn my desires, refine me.

Lord, my will has deceived me, please come and free me

Come rescue this child, for I long to be reconciled to you.

It’s all I can do to give my heart and soul to you and pray.

 

            I believe I have been saved since I was a little child, but I officially let Jesus take the wheel of my life when I was 14. 

I was standing in worship when they started to play the song Shout to the Lord, which is still my all time favorite.  Suddenly it hit me that I had not lived my life for God thus far.  I realized I did have a lot happen to me, but where I chose to take my life from then on was my choice.  I knew I needed to turn my life around. 

I realized God was worthy of my respect and I told him that he could do whatever he wanted with my life.  I asked him to take away the pain from my past and change me from a caterpillar into a butterfly.  I asked him to renew my mind and make me a new creation. 

Six months later I went with a group from our church on a missions trip.  My youth pastor could probably tell I was incredibly on fire for God, as most people are when they first get saved, so she asked me where I felt we should go.  I said India, because I had just “represented” that country in a debate conference and learned many interesting things about it.  We were actually the first team to go to India through YWAM.    

I remember I was so excited on that trip, but nervous at the same to be in a third world country.  Whenever I got nervous I would hum worship songs to myself.  The trip really opened to my eyes to how much we have here in America in comparison to other parts of the world.  I came home very thankful for everything I had. 

I told my testimony at one of the villages.  I told my full story about how my father molested me and I will never forget the look on my youth pastor’s face when I said that.  It was an unbelievable look of sadness that said “I feel so sorry for you.” 

It made me tear up a little too while giving my testimony but not too much because I have always hated crying in front of other people. 

When we came back from the trip, I got very involved in the my youth group.  I joined the missions team, the worship team, and the leadership team. 

I always loved being at church in high school.  I didn’t want to be anywhere else.  My youth pastor was probably the best I could have asked for.  She planned several fun trips for our youth group like trips to Six Flags, a state youth conference in Sacramento, and missions trips to Mexico.  She was the certainly the most alive person I have ever known, and she greatly inspired me to do all that I could possibly do. 

I actually had a consistent “quiet time” in high school.  Almost every day I would read my Bible and write in a prayer journal.  I wrote verses on three by five cards and carried them around school in my backpack.  Whenever there was a dull moment in class I would pull them out and work on memorizing them.  I remember I even had them color coded, like verses about money were on green cards.  My youth pastor had taught me a trick for memorizing verses by writing the first letter of every word on one side of the card and the full verse on the back.  Once you can read the verse just from the letters I pretty much had it memorized.  I used this method in college to memorize almost the entire book of Ephesians. 

I think I had a lot of warfare going on in my mind, so memorizing the verses helped me to build of my defense.  Paul tells us to “let the word of Christ dwell in you richly.”  I was marinated in the word of God all throughout high school.  By the time I got to college I had most of the good verses of the new testament memorized.  I soaked it up like a sponge, and I couldn’t get enough.

I would often have private times of worship with God.  I have always had a pretty good singing voice, so that was probably why I was drawn to sing so much.  I remember I couldn’t wait to sneak away from other people to have my time alone with God.  I felt an overwhelming love for God when I would sing in worship to him.  Another favorite song of mine was “Trust Me” by Crystal Lewis.  Here are the lyrics:

Close your eyes. Take a stand. It’s ok,

Don’t fret.  I’ve been before, through these valleys,

down these dark and dangerous roads.

Yet, dark as they seem, trust me.
Though you can’t see, you can trust me.
The way may be steep, you can trust me.

Let me lead, trust me.

Open your eyes, but don’t let go of my hand.

Let your tears give way to smiles, see the joy inside the trials.

Don’t worry, you’re safe with me around.

Rest assured I’m on your side, I won’t let you hit the ground.

But close at it seems, trust me.

See I know that what’s in front of you isn’t always clear.

But you must believe it in your heart that I’m here.

I’m here.  Trust me.

           

Trust was very hard for me after my dad betrayed my trust.  But Jesus suffered too.  I knew that he knew how to lead me.  High school was certainly the time that I started to “take a stand” like I never had before.  I was quite radiant. 

I had a new hope in my future.  Like the line says, “I know where were going.”  Scripture says, “ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future’” (Jer. 29:11).

It is also true that we have to have faith along the journey.  Like the line, “though you can’t see you can trust me.”  Scripture says, “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (Heb. 11:1).  I hoped to have a beautiful life someday, and I became certain that God was able to provide it for me. 

I love the line that he won’t let us hit the ground.  It seemed like I came close several times, but he is the ultimate healer.  Scripture says, “He is close to the broken hearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). 

I was very grateful to God for breaking my chains.  For the first time in my life I felt as light as a feather.  I felt so free!  Jesus said that he who is forgiven much, loves much.  High school was the first time I really wanted a relationship with God, because it was the first time I saw him as truly loving and accepting of me.  It was the first time I opened my heart to trust.

I was ready to share this good news with everyone I came in contact with.  Scripture says, “how beautiful on the mountains are the feet of the messenger who bring good news, the good news of peace and salvation” (Is. 52:7).  Jesus told us to “go into all the world, proclaim the gospel to everyone” (Mark 16:15). 

I remember asking my youth pastor, “why can’t we just stand up on the cafeteria table and start preaching the gospel?”  I had a passion in high school to save lost souls.  I remember copying pages from my book by Josh McDowell’s Answers to Tough Questions and handing it out to some of my non-Christian friends. 

I had a passion to go into all the world and preach.  I went to India once, Taiwan twice and Mexico several times on missions trips.  Every chance I got I stood up in front of audiences and gave my testimony.  I wanted other people to have hope from hearing my story.  I wanted them to find the peace that I had found. 

Peter says, “always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have” (1 Pet. 3:15).  I remember being on the plane on the way to Taiwan when I was a junior in high school.  A gentlemen across the aisle from me asked me where our team was going.  We got into a long several hour discussion about the gospel and Jesus.  It was very exciting trying to reach out to this complete stranger. 

Paul urges us, “I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ” (Philemon 1:6).  It is true that the more I talk to others about my faith I able to compare and contrast my life in Christ to their life without Christ.  This produces an overwhelming gratitude within me for all God has saved me from.  It also reminds me of when I used to act, think and feel like that.  It is good to be reminded of where we came from to appreciate where we are going.