Chapter 2: Reflection on the Abuse

At the time when my dad was abusing me he and my mom were involved in a strict religious community called the “local church.” It seemed harmless enough.  The church was very conservative.  My parents were at bible studies with the church almost every night of the week.  They often went out evangelizing door to door. 

But overall the church was very legalistic and strict. There was a kind of abuse of authority in the local church, and they used the Bible to control people with guilt and fear.  They would always tell the congregation that if they were not over comers they would not reign with Christ in the millennium.  It was a system of works.  It was a competition of who could be the most spiritual or Christ-like.  They encouraged everyone to dress the same and talk the same and to always read the same materials.  They had very conservative rules for how the “sisters” could dress.  Their skirt always had to be below the knees.  They did not allow their congregation to listen to secular or even Christian radio.  They believed they were the elite church.  People were discouraged from owning a T.V. and reading secular or Christian books.  The church also held the belief that they were now your family and you did not need your biological family anymore.  Thus they held their people in religious bondage.     

There was no knowledge of psychology in the church.  People did not share openly with each other.  So my dad kept everything a secret.  He did not feel like he could tell anyone his struggles because the church would have automatically condemned him and kicked our family out of the church.  They essentially expected everyone in the church to be perfect.  My dad then lived in the quiet prison of his mind the whole time. 

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend say in their book Boundaries, “The individual caught up in an out of control sexual behavior generally feels deeply isolated and shameful.  This keeps what is broken in the soul sequestered in the darkness—out of the light of relationship with God and others, where there can be neither help nor resolution” (Boundaries pg. 221).  The combination of my dad’s inner struggle and the lack of grace in their church created the perfect storm.

Just as mold grows rapidly in a damp, dark place, so sin grows unchecked in the darkness of isolation.  My dad never came into the light with his struggle, and so the cancer of sexual addiction only grew in his heart.

Ironically, I remember my dad read Revelations to my brother every night before he went to bed and my mom read Bible stories to me out of a children’s story Bible.  We would often have family worship times together and we almost always listened to music from our church in the car. 

My late husband has said that from his work with child abuse victims in such situations that most survivors turn their backs on God after seeing the hypocrisy of their father or mother.  For me the exposure my parents gave me brought me closer to God, despite what my dad did.  I grew up knowing all the verses and the songs have stuck with me to this day. 

People always ask looking back on abuse, “Where was God?”  I have asked myself that question many times as well.  I realized that he was right there and his heart broke every time my dad tried to violate my innocence as a child.  God did not want any of it to happen, but due to free will he could not intervene and stop it.  My dad had the choice to do whatever he wanted. 

I now know that my dad himself was molested as a child as well.  He woke up from a nap one day and his male cousin was performing oral sex on him.  To this day I do not think my dad has healed from his own abuse.  It is amazing how one single event can completely change the course of so many people’s lives.

The Bible says that “God works all things together for the good of those who love him.”  I know that if none of that would have happened, I could not be writing this book today.  I could not control what happened to me, but I can control how I react to it.  I can chose daily to go down the path of destruction or to go down the path of life.  The direction my life takes is ultimately my decision.  I can choose to cry out to God and ask him to deliver me from the bondage of my past, or I can let the shackles remain on me and drag them around the rest of my life.

My dad tried to rationalize his behaviors for why he did what he did when he was in prison.  There is an inmate at the prison where my husband currently works who also gave the same rationalization for why he abused his children.  This man used to have “naked family day.”  Both said they did it to educate their child.  Both rationalized, “some guy someday will come along and do all this so I might as well teach her now.”  How is that logical?  It just shows the depths of depravity my dad sank to and the height of the lies he believed from Satan.  In his mind, he thought I liked what he was doing.  

Recently I heard the testimony of a woman who was Ms. America one year.  Her father snuck into her room and her three sisters’ rooms their entire lives and raped them.  She had thought her father had gotten better because he had finally apologized, but years after the apology he again sexually offended another woman. 

That proves that once a man actually molests a child, he will most likely always be a child molester.  That is why Jesus said, “If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck” (Mark 9:24).  Jesus said that, because if someone reaches that point of depravity it is very hard to come back from it.  It is possible, but very hard.  Also God is just and he hates when little children are violated.  He absolutely hates it.  He cries with the victim.  He knows how detrimental and life wrecking one event can be.

I used to be so angry at the “little me.”  I couldn’t even look at pictures of the little Lisa, the me at age 6 or under, until I was in counseling at Biola University.  My counselor told me to bring some pictures in of when I was a child and look at them.  She somehow changed my entire perception of the little me.  I have been to countless hours of counseling since I was six, but that was the biggest break through. 

I realized that day that I could not have stopped anything.  I was small and defenseless.  I always oddly enough thought that the me at six was capable of just as much as I am capable of now as an adult.  I thought I should have run away, but where would I have gone?  I thought I should have pushed him off, but a 6 year old has very, very little strength.  I did what I could do; I told my mom.  God must have given me the courage to do that because I remember I was scared to tell her, but I knew I had to. 

I also sometimes think the me as a toddler should have known what he was doing was wrong.  But as Neil T. Anderson says, “Infants have no vocabulary and no attitudes or beliefs about anything.  Everything we learn in the early formative years of our lives was assimilated from the environment in which we were raised” (VOTD pg. 153).  I was the perfect victim.  I had no preconceived notions.  I was innocent and defenseless. 

 Neil Anderson says in his book, “beliefs and attitudes are also formed in our minds from traumatic experiences such as the death of a parent, a divorce in the home, or mental, physical or sexual abuse.  Unlike prevailing experiences that are assimilated into our minds over time, these traumatic experiences are burned into our minds because of their intensity, and they will leave lasting impressions” (VOTD pg. 154).  I have experienced four of the things he lists.  The only exclusion is that I was never physically abused, praise Jesus.  My parents divorce when I was 10 gave me a fear of abandonment.  If my husband leaves for just a few hours I feel as hopeless as if he were never coming back.

My mom kind of turned off after the divorce, which is where my fear of being abandoned comes from.  I do not remember any family dinners, conversations with her, or playing board games together.  Everything stopped. 

So of course Satan then got me to believe the lies, “you are invisible,” “you don’t matter,” “no one wants you.” 

Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend say in their book Boundaries, “We all need love during the first few years of life.  If we don’t receive this love, we hunger for it for the rest of our lives” (Boundaries pg. 227). 

Due to my need for love not being met, I sought to find love in bad friendships or bad relationships.  I tried to excel in school to get my mom to notice me.  I even got arrested to try to get some kind of reaction out my mom. 

I have noticed from working with kids that if they cannot get positive attention from adults, they will do everything they can to get negative attention.  That is when they are getting desperate.  Their negative behavior is only screaming, “look at me!  Can’t you see me?  I exist.  I have to know that you know that I exist!” 

I was a bit unruly in junior high.  I shoplifted several times and was caught twice. I snuck out at night several times.  Once on my 13^th birthday I got completely drunk with a group of my friends and nearly passed out in my backyard.  I had several relationships with boys.  My first relationship was with a 16 year old when I was only 13.  I did not expect guys to respect my body since no one in my family had.  I never had sex though.  God protected me in several situations from crossing that line.  I tried smoking.  I hung out with the wrong crowd and got into plenty of trouble. 

I also made bad choices because of the strict legalistic rules of our home when I was growing up.  Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend also say, “Many Christians raised in legalistic environments were not permitted to make decisions for themselves….This.. forces them to rebel in destructive ways” (Boundaries pg. 227). 

Ironically, my dad constantly reminded my brother and I of the verse, “Honor thy mother and father, that it may go well with you and that you may live long on the earth.”  I even remember him printing this verse in huge letters on a banner and putting it up on the wall in my room.  However, I now believe in the quote, “respect is not given; it is earned.  He was obviously trying to use scripture to control my brother and I.  His actions were not worthy of respect.    

I know living with my dad deeply scared my brother as well.  In high school he was almost suicidal.  After the Columbine school shootings he wore a trench coat around his high school just to scare people. 

He listened to Marilyn Manson music a lot, possibly to try to process his own anger.  He had several relationships with girls.  Once my mom told him to break up with one of his girlfriends which made him so angry he left the house.  When my mom called him to come home he said, “I don’t think that is a good idea because I’m afraid I might hurt you.” 

When he was 18 my mom tried to make him move out.  The place where he was staying did not work out so he came back home for a time.  Then when he was at church he drew several pictures on the board that were methods to commit suicide.  He had seen them in a movie. 

The youth pastor at the church told my mom to have my brother committed to a mental health ward.  When he was released from the facility they thought my brother would be returning home but my mom told the director she was afraid of him possibly hurting her as a result of her committing him.  She didn’t want him to come home.

 So the police dropped him off at a homeless shelter.  He then was homeless for a time and slept on park benches.  He would ask people for money until he met friends and moved in with them.  

The chaos my brother and I grew up with greatly affected us both. 

However, thanks to God, my Grandma, my mom and my youth pastor my life turned one hundred and eighty degrees in high school.