Shattered Plans

Weird Things

Doing laundry after you died was weird

It seems odd to only do my laundry and not yours also

The taste of cinnamon brings tears

Remembering how we drank cinnamon coffee together

Packing my things to move out of the apartment

And seeing your clothes that you had only touched hours before

And knowing you would never touch them again,

Never need them again

Never wear them again,

Almost unbearable

Expecting you to walk through the door that morning

The night before expecting you to text me back or come home

But you never did

And calling your phone and someone else answering

And them saying they needed to come talk with me

And the heart stopping words

“Roger passed away last night.”

And sobbing harder than I had ever sobbed

And the oddity of realizing it was all over, our plans were all shattered

The two bedroom apartment we were about to move into

To have a nursery for a baby someday

The dreams, the hopes, all gone

Like a cloud of smoke,

vanished, disappear, dissolved

Driving through Nebraska with my mom and brother

And pointing out a sign that said ironically, "A dream died here"

And knowing for me that dream was having a family with you

Someday seeing you with our babies and children

Having you there for me as my team mate

But now that would never happen

So weird, so odd, so unreal

 

Shattered Plans

I thought we would grow old together.

I thought we would make it to 50 years of marriage like both our grandparents.

I wanted to have kids with you and give you the happy family you had always wanted.

I thought we would go on road trips together,

And see the world together

But God seemed to rip you away from me

So soon, so quickly,

So abruptly

It was such a shock

You were happy, healthy, whole, and fine and just an hour later you were dead.

How is life so fragile?

How are we so weak and frail?

This is not how it was supposed to be.

God meant for us to live forever.

But death was part of the curse

Death is so final, so unrelenting, so cold

But someday, someday, I will see you again….