On Grieving

Everyone knows there are five stages to grieving a loss, any kind of loss: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. 

Grieving is different for every person.  Since no two situation of dealing with death or loss are the same, the process of grief will vary each time.

I have grieved a lot of things in my life. 

When I was in only 2nd grade my best friend, Megan, was literally murdered by her mom's ex-boyfriend.  He broke into their apartment and shot her, her mom and her grandma.  Pretty crazy. 

So I have known what extreme grief is from about the time I was 7. 

That was also about the time my dad was put in jail for what he did.

Later when I was 10, my parents divorced, so I had a lot of grief about that for a long time and didn't know how to process it.  It was a good thing overall, but I couldn't see that at the time and it was still very hard to cope with being split between two homes. 

Around that time my mom, brother and I had to stay in a homeless shelter for about two weeks because my dad wouldn't move out.  All my pets ran away because my dad didn't feed them. :(  In those two weeks I lost two dogs, a puppy, two cats, one cat I had had my whole life, and three kittens.  It was a very sad time for me.  I think I missed all my pets even more than my dad. lol :(

Then when I was 14 my mom and I moved to California from Nebraska, so I lost all my closest friends from the last 4 years.  That was another time of grieving for me and adjustment.

Then graduating from college was a time of grief and loosing all the people I had gotten so close to.  I remember thinking that graduation felt like a funeral and a wedding at the same time; a funeral to my past and a wedding to my future, even though I didn't know what my future was yet.  I felt very lost after I graduated and didn't know what to do next really.

More times of grieving for me; I have moved about 12 times in my life, so I have grieved being in new places and saying goodbye to old places and people many, many times.

I have had many jobs so I have had a lot of people come in and out of my life for a short period of time.

I have never lived in one place per se.  I don't really have a place that feels like "home" really.  I lived in Santa Ana, CA from 0 to 6, Upland from 6 to 9, Nebraska from 9 to 14, California from 14 to 26 and then Nebraska again, Kansas City and now here in Texas.  So when I think of home there isn't one place that really is home for me.

I have grieved in a sense not living in Nebraska many times.  I miss the seasons and the snow and the nature and the wildlife everywhere.  It was completely beautiful there.  There is no where else in the world quite as beautiful as Nebraska.  Some people call it "God's country" and that is probably why. :)

I have grieved not being in California many times also; for the ocean, the great weather and my home church Mariners in Irvine of 10 years. 

My heart seems to be half in Nebraska and half in California most of the time no matter where I am.  That's also because my mom is in California and my brother is in Nebraska. 

But God has taken me many places for reasons only he knows.  I have gotten to visit many churches throughout my travels and met tons of new people.  So that has been fun. :)

They say happiness is in seeing new things.  I have seen many new things for sure. 

But part of me has always wondered what it would have been like to grow up in the same house my entire life.  How would my life have been different?  How would I have been different?  Who knows.  :)