Love

I was crying today over the fact that almost none of my love relationships have gone all that well in life.  I remember when I was a kid I wanted to become a nun when I grew up because I thought there was no hope of me finding a good guy.  My dad sexually abused me as a kid so that very much caused me to think that all men were perverts for most of my life.  I thought all guys cared about was sex.  This mental bent has only been corrected recently actually, just by being around various good guys that weren't total pigs.

My marriage to my ex husband was mostly good though.  He was a very good guy and very sweet our first 6 years of marriage.  And then it's like he just snapped and went crazy for no reason. I never did and still don't understand it.

I am currently fasting for 10 days to pray about this whole situation.  I an trying to figure out if God wants me to reconcile with him or move on with someone else.  I really have no idea what option is best.  Of course if I reconcile with him then I can see my daughters again, which would be very nice.  But I seem to have almost forgotten that I am or ever was a mom, it's been so long since I've seen them. I don't know if I should just start a new family with a new guy and entirely forget about them or what I should do.  My ex mother in law is being very, very possessive of my ex husband and my two daughters and there's really nothing I can do about it.  Well I could take her to court but I don't have enough extra money to do that.

Before my ex husband I was with a guy for 2 years.  We were really best friends with a few bad fights.  He died 8 years ago due to drinking one night while being on meds and an anti-biotic.  I was very anti alcohol for quite awhile after he died.  I really only loosened up about being ok with alcohol in the last few months.  Alcohol has occasionally given me some solace in my current time of being without my two daughters.

I picked up smoking also 2 months ago which I decided to quit today.  So far it's really not that hard to quit so praise God.  I never liked how it made my stomach hurt when I smoked anyway. The mental high was fun but the stomach pain was not fun. I thought smoking made me loosen up so I could think things I don't normally think, but alcohol works for that too, which might be slightly better for my body. lol :)

And now I have various things going on and I have no idea which path to take.  I have 4 potential guys I would like to be with and I have no idea which one would be the best. I guess it's good to have options but it's a bit stressful too.  But then part of me just wants to say screw all guys and maybe I should move up to Nebraska to live with my brother for a time.  I sure as heck hate the Cedar trees around me in this area.  They give me a crazy headache about one day every week.  It sucks.

Or part of me wonders if I should go back to Odessa where my daughters are.  But that situation is very volatile and unpredictable.  I'm pretty sure my ex husband's mom and dad would murder me if they could, possibly because they think I made their son go crazy, which I don't think I did.  Or also because I've had a few boyfriends since he left me, which I somewhat regret but no one wants to be all alone.

So that's my life now.  My focus is now almost entirely on love and who to pick now.  May God help me make the best decision. :)

God bless!