Black Cats and Spiders

 Black cats are always associated with Halloween because witches use them in Satanic rituals. They are not pets. They are sacrifices. Or maybe they are pets before they are sacrifices. Poor kitties. 😢

The witches also might use cats or spiders to fulfill their evil spells of killing someone. In Snow White, a poison apple was used by the witch. Perhaps other witches have used a poisonous spider or a crazy cat. A cat might be able to kill a person. 

It is also just that both are black and Halloween is pretty much a celebration of death. The trees are all dying and losing their leaves. The summer is dying. The flowers die. The nights get longer. 

But thank God Easter and Spring will come again. The world won't stay dead forever. 😁👏🎉

Ghosts

 Why do we think ghosts are a real thing? Paul said to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. Either we are alive, or we are with God in heaven, or in hell depending on what you do in your lifetime. 

Ghosts are actually demons pretending to be people that we knew, or we are imagining the person we missed that died. A lot of people try communicating with someone who died. We wish we could still talk to them. It could be said God can relay messages from us to them, but we can't talk to them directly. 

Ghosts are disembodied spirits, which are demons. They can be angels. You can know if it's a demon or angel depending on how you feel around it. If it evokes fear in you, it is a demon. If it fills you with peace and joy, it is an angel. 

There are two stories in the Bible that mention ghosts. When Jesus walked on the water, the disciples said he was a ghost. That shows they believed that ghosts were a thing. 

When Saul called up the ghost of the prophet Samuel, he called up his dead spirit, via a witch. God condemned doing such a thing though and essentially made Saul go crazy as punishment for doing that. 

Do people summon the spirits of dead people today? Yes. That is part of witchcraft. It is not something that anyone should be doing. There are plenty of alive people to talk to. Why talk to people who have died? Of course you miss them, but you can find new people to love and talk to, so find those new people. It is best to not stay stuck in the past, in general. Move on, and embrace the new life that you have. 

If you think you see a ghost, it is best to ignore it. It could be an evil spirit trying to trap you by appearing like someone you knew that died. Watch the movie "A Beautiful Mind." He probably thought he was talking to ghosts, but they were evil spirits. How could you tell? Because of what they were telling him to do. 

Keep your head in the real world. Stay away from the spirit world as much as you can. You will have a more safe life if you do that. 

Skeletons

 I don't know why skeletons bother me so much. Maybe because our instincts say they aren't supposed to be seen. They are only supposed to be under ground. Witches dig up skeletons. Weird people throughout history have dug up skeletons. Normal people don't do things like that. 

Why are skeletons a part of Halloween? Because Halloween is demonic and skeletons are demonic. 

I had an ex who had tons of shirts with skulls on them, and I threw them all away. He was a little mad about it, but it was funny. Don't wear anything with skulls on it. It can attract evil spirits. You need to be careful of that. Why would you want to attract evil spirits? 

I remember walking through my neighborhood with my former family. One of the neighbors had baby skulls in their yard as part of their Halloween decorations. I went out in the middle of the night and took those skulls out of their yard and threw them away. I felt called by God to do that, for the most part. :) That was just disturbing to see that. It was as if they were proudly displaying dead babies in their yard. Why is that cool? Why would you want to display that? You really think that makes your house look cooler? No. 

I hate Halloween decorations. It all has to do with a spirit of death. Why would you want the spirit of death all over your front yard? Isn't life better than death? Halloween certainly encourages an obsession with death which is obviously very unhealthy. 

I hope you won't buy any crazy Halloween decorations. 

Witches

The dangerous side of getting into teachings of Charismania, as I call it, is that it can lead you to evil spirits and witchcraft. It is good to have faith that the impossible is possible. Just don't use witchcraft to make that happen. Of course you want to see an angel, but not a fallen angel right? You may want to pray in tongues, but beware of getting a tongue from Satan. That is possible. You may want to get healed, but watch out for letting Satan or a witch heal you, and yes that is possible. 

Isaiah 8:19 says, "When they say to you, 'Inquire of the mediums and the necromancers who chirp and mutter,' should not a people inquire of their God? Should they inquire of the dead on behalf of the living?"

Beware of seeing a fortune teller. Beware of even getting "a word from the Lord" from just anyone. Beware of wanting to know the future. If God wanted you to know something important about your future, he would tell you himself. 

The only time God warned me about my future was about my first serious relationship. He told me one day, "What if he dies? Will you still be ok?" I said in response, "Yes I will still be ok." Maybe God wanted me to break up with him before he died. This ex had essentially decreed an early death for himself for years, so I learned after he died. His ex told me he always said he wanted to die young. "Life and death are in the power of the tongue." Other than that, God has never told me things about my future, because he doesn't want me to know. It might be more than we can handle to hear about our future, so why hear it? Just live life one day at a time. 

1 Samuel 16:14 says, "The Spirit of the Lord departed from Saul, and a harmful spirit from the Lord tormented him."

Why did this happen? Saul went to visit the Witch of Endor and called up the dead spirit of the prophet Samuel. It shows that is actually possible. Samual corrected him and said he shouldn't be doing that. Saul was mad that God was not approving the timing of his battle, so he asked Samuel what to do. 

That was the reason why God gave Saul a harmful spirit. He doesn't just randomly give people a bad spirit. Saul first was rebellious and visited that witch. 

Leviticus 20:27 says, “A man or a woman who is a medium or a necromancer shall surely be put to death. They shall be stoned with stones; their blood shall be upon them.”

Why did God say this? Perhaps because once someone summons tons of demons to do witchcraft, they won't have a peaceful life after that. They have let in too much evil. Most likely the demons made them crazy, and they will probably be crazy forever. 

This verse is why people all throughout history have burned witches. People often feel sorry for the witches when hearing about that. In our modern culture, witches have been portrayed as cute or cool or fun. No they are not. They only want to hurt or even kill the majority of people. There is nothing cool about them, in real life. 

If you have ever dabbled in witchcraft repent of it and don't ever do it again. Keep your guard up against witchcraft. It is serious and God does not approve of you doing it. 

Come Here, Go Away

 Everyone you know sends one of those two messages constantly. The hard part is figuring out which message they want to send and why. 

Maybe they are just feeling empty so they need you to come closer. Maybe they feel inner pain, not necessarily from you but other people, so they say go away. 

Our past experiences can make us want others closer at times, but then we also prefer to isolate at times too. We don't want to get hurt again. We assume it's just a matter of time before that person hurts me too, so we say go away. 

Why would a person say come here? Because we need social interaction. We like to express and receive love. But other times we become guarded. We want to turn our feelings off and act like an emotionless robot to protect ourselves. If we decide we don't want to talk, then not talking doesn't matter. 

Once you decide who is safe, allow yourself to say come here. I hope you make a great decision on who is safe. 

Demonology 103

Who wants to learn more about demons? Here is more info about them:

Acts 19:13-16 

"Then some of the itinerant Jewish exorcists undertook to invoke the name of the Lord Jesus over those who had evil spirits, saying, “I adjure you by the Jesus whom Paul proclaims.” Seven sons of a Jewish high priest named Sceva were doing this. But the evil spirit answered them, “Jesus I know, and Paul I recognize, but who are you?” And the man in whom was the evil spirit leaped on them, mastered all of them and overpowered them, so that they fled out of that house naked and wounded."

This is probably the scariest story in the Bible. The demons literally tore all their clothes off and beat them. Can you imagine that happening to you? This is why there aren't more Christians doing deliverance ministries. I only know of four deliverance ministries, one in Northern California, one by Seattle, one in North Carolina and John Ramirez who travels all over. It seems that the rest of us Christians are too scared to do anything about demons. Well at least I'm writing about them. :) 

This shows you can't try casting out demons unless you are really, truly saved. That is also why more Christians don't cast out demons. I think a lot wonder if they really are actually saved. 

How can you know you are really saved? You won't know for sure until the end. If you end your life walking with God, then you are saved. 

Matthew 12:43-45 

“When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none. Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when it comes, it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order. Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first."

This is also why many are too scared to do deliverance ministries. What if they make the person worse after delivering them than before? This shows you can't just cast spirits out, you have to teach them the word too. The house was empty because it was not filled with the Holy Spirit. We are meant to be continually filled with the Holy Spirit in order to keep evil spirits away from us. If we are filled with God, they can't get in. You can be Christian but not be filled to the full with God's spirit. That is when a part of your life can become controlled by an evil spirit. You are not possessed necessarily, just under partial demonic control. Try to keep yourself totally filled with God's spirit. Listening to worship music a lot helps with that. 

Daniel 10:13 

"The prince of the kingdom of Persia withstood me twenty-one days, but Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, for I was left there with the kings of Persia."

This is an angel talking to Daniel saying that he could not get to him because a demon fought against him. It must have been a fair fight for it to last 21 days. This shows that demons have more power than most people realize. They are not weak. They can stop angels from doing their work, which is sad. You could be praying for things and your prayers are not granted right away because demons are interferring. Just keep praying. Your angel will get to you eventually to answer your prayers. Stay in faith. :)

Luke 10:17 

The seventy-two returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!”

There is truly power in the name of Jesus. I had an crazy thing happen one night years ago where I felt a pressure on my face. It freaked me out for sure. I said Jesus over and over and it left, whatever it was. The odd thing is I took an Advil PM that night. It would seem that may have put me in a weakened state so a demon thought it might get in, but praise God I said Jesus' name and it went away. My baby also was crying right after that so I wonder if it was messing with her too. I don't know why God allows babies and kids to get affected by demons but he does. Keep your children safe, especially at night. That might be why kids seem to want to sleep with their parents. They know they are safer next to a parent. 

May God protect you and your children from evil spirits, espcially this coming month. Don't watch scary movies as some do in this month. Keep your mind pure and holy. God bless. :)

Demonology 102

It is almost Halloween. Tis the season to talk about demons and all the messed up things they do to people. Here are more verses and my thoughts about demons:

Acts 16:16-18 

"As we were going to the place of prayer, we were met by a slave girl who had a spirit of divination and brought her owners much gain by fortune-telling. She followed Paul and us, crying out, “These men are servants of the Most High God, who proclaim to you the way of salvation.” And this she kept doing for many days. Paul, having become greatly annoyed, turned and said to the spirit, “I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her.” And it came out that very hour."

That is how a deliverance is meant to be done, according to the Bible. It shouldn't last for very long. Try doing this, if you ever cast out an evil spirit. Just say what Paul said and that should be all you have to do. "I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out." You don't have to yell, but you do have to sound serious when you say it. You have to sound commanding like you are strong. 

It might be appealing to some to mess around with evil spirits, because they can give you special powers at times, like divination, which is telling the future. Does it actually work? Is it accurate? Not always, but sometimes. This exists in some churches actually and it can turn into witchcraft easily. So many power hungry "Christians" desire the gift of prophecy. Make sure it's God who is giving you any prophecy that you tell others. It could be something you made up or it could have a demonic source. With my ex he received two "prophecies" that pretty much messed up our family. He started to not trust me because of two false prophecies. Be careful before you say you have a word from the Lord. What if it's a word from Satan meant to mess up other people's lives? 

Mark 9:29 

“This kind of demon cannot be driven out by anything but prayer and fasting.”

If you have a very stubborn spirit in someone else, or yourself, try fasting to get the spirit to leave. You have to be serious about wanting the evil spirit gone. Why would you fast for someone else? I did. I fasted and prayed 2 days for my boyfriend to be freed of an alcoholism spirit a few months ago, and it worked. He didn't drink at all for a while. He is drinking again. It probably is time for me to fast and pray again. It isn't easy to fast for a long time, but it works. Fasting is not eating any solid food for a period of time.  

Matthew 4:24 

"Jesus' fame spread throughout all Syria, and they brought him all the sick, those afflicted with various diseases and pains, those oppressed by demons, those having seizures, and paralytics, and he healed them."

How many people now are oppressed by demons? Could that be what we currently call mental illness? Yes it could be. Sometimes it is just stress that causes mental illness, but sometimes it's demons. If you feel that you need to be set free from demons that seem to plague your thoughts say, "Get out of my head demons! I don't want to listen to you anymore. I want to listen to the Holy Spirit instead. You cannot rule my mind anymore. Please leave me alone."

Leviticus 17:7 

"They shall no more sacrifice their sacrifices to goat demons, after whom they whore. This shall be a statute forever for them throughout their generations."

Baal was the goat demon. You may have seen it in certain music videos, people wearing animal heads. Very odd isn't it? I have always realized that is part of Satanic rituals. I don't know why people would want to dress up like animals, but it may be tied to this, the goat demon of Baal. This is why heathens are called goats and Christians are called sheep. 

1 John 4:1 

"Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world."

This then says any spirit that says that Jesus is the son of God is from God. Watch out for false prophets. They may appear like a good Christian, but it is all just a show. They talk the talk, but they don't walk the walk. 

Matthew 8:16 

"That evening they brought to Jesus many who were oppressed by demons, and he cast out the spirits with a word and healed all who were sick."

With a word. That is how quick it should be. 

1 Timothy 4:1 

"The Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons."

What are these teachings now? One is that you have to pray in tongues to be saved. The issue with that is then some get their tongue "gift" from an evil spirit rather than God. Seek God, not the gifts. 

My ex used to ask me, "Why would God let me get deceived when I was seeking him?" I could have said back, "You weren't seeking God. You were seeking people who claimed to follow God." Be careful of following people instead of God. Just follow God. Not a "prophet." Don't just follow some teacher. Follow God and only God. You can learn from teachers and be inspired by them, but they should never be God to you, of course. Only let God be God to you. 

"Be as wise as serpents but as innocent as doves." Don't get deceived by Satan. He will try to deceive you any way he can. Keep your heart working well. 

Taken From Me

 This is a good movie. Also "Let Him Go" and "Not Without My Daughter" are crazy good movies about custody battles over kids. 

Try to not fight over kids. God is watching over them. If they are not with you, just believe that they are safe and well taken care of. People come and go. Kids come and go, sometimes. Life is full of seasons. Nothing good lasts forever. All good things come to an end at some point. 

It hurts when you lose kids, especially if you believe you deserve to have them. God knows what is best for everyone. If you have the kid or kids, make sure you enjoy them. Value them. If you don't, go out and have fun. Enjoy the lack of responsibility. Enjoy the break. 

God knows what we need more than we do. God knows what each child needs. God knows what each parent needs. Let go and let God do what he needs to do. God has your kids in the palm if his hand. Pray for them, and trust that God will keep them safe. 

Demonology 101

 James 4:7

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

It can be relatively easy to keep Satan and demons away from you. All you have to do is submit to God. How do you know in what way you need to submit to God? Read the Bible and pray. 

Psalm 106:37 

"They sacrificed their sons and their daughters to the demons."

Apparently this was a practice done by the heathen nations in the Old Testament. I would say in our modern day this is done via vaccines and abortions. Why do I say that? Because both very often result in the child dying. 

Mark 5:1-20 

"Out of the tombs came a man with an unclean spirit. No one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain, for he had often been bound with shackles and chains, but he wrenched the chains apart, and he broke the shackles in pieces. No one had the strength to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and on the mountains he was always crying out and cutting himself with stones."

You have probably known someone that cut themselves. That is inspired by demons. Essentially any self-harm is inspired by demons. Over eating, drugs, drinking too much, gossip, lying....anything that could destroy your life or your body or ruin your family. 

1 Peter 5:8 

"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."

Satan is dangerous. You should take Satan seriously and try to stay as far away from him as you can. Don't play with fire. Don't entertain Satan or demons in any way. If you aren't sure if a spirit is a demon, just stay away and keep yourself safe. 

Ephesians 6:12 

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."

Your battle is not against other people. It is against the demons in them. They are victims, to an extent. They are responsible for letting the demons inside their body, but after that they are victims to the demons and controlled by them. If they hurt you, get mad at the demons that make them hurt you. 

Matthew 12:22 

"Then a demon-oppressed man who was blind and mute was brought to him, and he healed him, so that the man spoke and saw."

Demon of muteness and blindness come out of us all in Jesus' name! :) 

Revelation 12:9 

"The great dragon was thrown down, that ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world—he was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him."

Where did demons come from? This explains it. They are fallen angels that fell from heaven with Satan before Earth was created. 

1 John 4:4 

"Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."

Satan is in the world, clearly. You can see that any time you watch most music videos. Anytime you watch horror movies. But the Holy Spirit in you is greater than Satan and any demon. They can't hurt you when you are filled with God's Holy Spirit. That is great motivation to be filled with the Holy Spirit. 

Kids Can be Possessed

 Jesus Heals a Demon-Possessed Boy

 When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. “Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.”

 “You unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed at that moment.

What did Jesus say about why the disciples could not cast the demon out? He said they were unbelieving and perverse. If you ever attempt to cast a demon out, make sure you have enough faith to do it and that your life is pure. No obsessions with sex or porn. No idols. No jealousy or hatred in your heart. Not just anyone should try casting a demon out. 

Also do you have faith and believe it is possible? I can say I have freed at least one person of a demon. It wasn't a big thing. I just prayed for the girl while she naped and played worship music around her any time I was with her. It was a 2 year old girl I was babysitting. She was a calm child. The only way I knew she was possessed was she had dark eyes. A month into being around her, her eyes turned sky blue. It was a miracle! I freed her without even doing much. 

I gave a workbook to her mom from a Sunday school I was in about demons. I hope she is still free of her demons. 

Children may be a lot easier to set free than adults. With adults they have to be ready to say goodbye to their demons. 

If you know you have demons that talk to you, tell them goodbye. That might be all you need to do. 

Never Again

Reasons why I never want to get pregnant again: 

The heartburn was a nightmare.

Getting out of bed got super hard. 

The sciatic nerve pain down your leg. 

The anxiety over how incredibly painful the delivery will be. 

Kids are expensive. 

Hospitals are crazy places. 

Hating to eat cuz everything makes you feel sick but needing to eat.

CPS sticking their nose in everyone's business. 

Not being able to sit up for long. 

Preeclampsia and losing my eyesight. 

Feeling bad about avoiding prenatal doctor visits. 

Having lots of back pain. 

Having to pee every 20 minutes....

If you never want to be pregnant again, use the pull out method. It works. 🙂

Marriage Advice

 "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."  -GROUCHO MARX

😂

Men....

Be a good listener. The best way to love your lady is to listen to anything she wants to say.

Stay calm. Try to never be irritable about anything. 

Bring her food. Most moms have little time to cook so bring her fast food. She will be very happy with you. 

Strive to be a manly man. Nothing turns a woman on more than when a man is manly. 

Tell your lady the budget for every week. How much can she spend on groceries and fun items? All women need the liberty of getting some fun items. 

Don't watch porn. It counts as cheating. 

Women....

Treat your man like a king if you want to be treated like a queen. 

Don't lie to your man. Seek to please him in all you do. 

Shave your legs every day. Then you are confidently down for intimacy any time. 

Eat less so he will always be attracted to you. Life is about more than food. 🙂

Don't yell at your children. Someday you will regret it a lot. 

May God bless your family. 😃 

And I love this!

And this:

My Crazy Former Family

 This is something super ironic. I felt like God was telling me a school counselor might be able to save my oldest girl. I was always quite worried about her, because she was very rebellious. I wondered at times if she was possessed. That actually is possible. Children can get possessed just as quickly as adults can, which is so sad but true. 

My mom just told me she contacted my daughter's school counselor about a year ago expressing her concern that she was living with her schizophrenic father. I wonder if the girls were put in a group home for a while so they could assess my ex and his parents. I could see a school doing that. We all know schizophrenia is a very serious mental condition.  

I have thought for a while, why on earth am I trusting him to raise them? But I have been hoping mainly his mom was raising them. 

I guess he was going through his mom's phone like a crazy person again. That must have been after I moved to the city they were in. Maybe he worried she was thinking of bringing my girls to see me. I felt in that time that she didn't let me see my girls because she was scared of my ex, her son. I can't imagine being her this past 4 years having to live with him. He should have been put in a mental hospital about 4 years ago. He probably still should be committed to one, like for real. She didn't know how seriously his brain was messed up though. 

At least I hope he is getting lots of counseling. I have no idea how to fix a person in his condition. That is why I told him I gave up on him. 

There is a move called "Are You Here?" It is about a guy who has schizophrenia. He gets on medication and acts totally normal for a while. At the end though it seems like he is planning to go crazy again. 😣

Is there a permanent cure for psychotic people? I really don't know. "With God all things are possible." May God heal my ex's brain. May he think normally again. May his paranoia be over for good this time. May he lead a normal life with normal friends and stay away from those idiot Pentecostals. May my daughters be safe always. May I get full custody of them again someday. In Jesus' name amen. 

Jesus in Ferngully

 After watching this recently, I realized Krista is meant to be a kind of Christ figure. She saves her people and the world of Ferngully from the forces of evil. Magi is like God the Father. It follows the teaching where some think God the Father turned into Jesus since Magi dies at the end. She seems to dissolve into pieces and a piece of her goes into each fairy. That is like the Holy Spirit. But it's not an automatic thing of course. You have to ask the Holy Spirit to come be a part of your soul. 

Transmutation is actually what many Pentecostals teach, that the Father became the son and then the Holy Spirit. But the truth is that the Father, Son and Holy Spirit existed since before the world was formed, and the three of them do now. I know because I often talk to each of them in my head. That probably seems odd but oh well. If you believe that could be possible, try it sometime. You can ask any of the three of the trinity any question you want. "All things are possible to those who believe." If you believe you can talk to every member of the trinity, you can. 

In the movie Hexus is of course Satan. He is hell bent on destroying the forest, just like Satan is hell bent on destroying your life. He comes to steal, kill and destroy. It was a great representation of him and how evil he is. Zach probably represents the first Christian. He is converted into loving the world of Ferngully, like God teaches us to love and save this world. 

I suppose the gas and fuel that made Hexus/Satan bigger would be his demons. I have heard that demons are energized by our extreme emotions of anger, lust and fear. The more they can make us feel those feelings, the more powerful they get. That is just a theory though. 

The main reason I realized Krista was a Christ figure was at the end when everyone thinks she died. Then it's like she comes back to life when the flower opens and she comes out. It is like she has more powers after being reborn. I think some feel that Jesus became more like God after he died and rose again. The Bible says that he was glorified after rising again. Does that mean he became more like God? Yes possibly. In Revelation he is pictured as being much more God like than he was on the earth. 

The take away is, be a fairy like the fairies in Ferngully. Save the world! Save our beautiful forest. Most of the world isn't beautiful, but we can make it beautiful. You can do it. :) We can do it. 

Flowers

 I have a bit of an obsession with flowers. I think it might be because my life was so ugly. Now I want everything around me to be beautiful. It all started with some flower wall decals I got for the new house I used to have. Those made me so happy. Then I found a flower runner rug at Walmart that I loved so much. I got a few more of those. 

Then I got fake sunflowers to put all over my current house, inside and outside. Something about sunflowers just makes me instantly happy looking at them. I got multi colored fake flowers to line the sidewalk. I was thinking of getting red Christmas flowers to put on the bushes outside, but it's too soon for that. Maybe in a month. 

I always loved the part at the end of the movie Ferngully when Krista creates flowers everywhere she goes. I think the message in that is leave beauty and growth everywhere you go. :)

Today I bought some new live flowers to put out front. They are so pretty. I'm glad I got them. My sweetie and I were going to go out to eat, but why not spend $35 on flowers instead of food that just makes you happy for an hour. Those flowers might last 2 months. Well hopefully they will. 

Go buy yourself some potted flowers. They will make you more happy than you may realize. And may God bless you!

Rape

 I have always thought I have understanding for gay people, because that easily could have been me. I think that's why God kept having me date somewhat gay guys, because I understood why they struggled. I was afraid to even see a male penis for years. I saw one a few times as a kid, because I was forced to. My dad had me play with his in the shower. I don't remember how long that went on for. After that I had no interest in seeing one for a long time. I made out with guys, but I never wanted to go beyond that. Then my step-brother essentially forced sex on me when I was 22. I don't know what the deal is with my family members being sick and evil. White people right? It does seem to be that white people have more sexual issues, or maybe every race does but for some reason we expect white people to have more morals. 

Anyways, he kind of manipulated me into going all the way with him. I was still a virgin. He kept telling me I was selfish because I wouldn't touch his member. Obviously he was the one who was being selfish in expecting more from me than I wanted to do. He kept telling me to take a Plan B because he was too much of an idiot to pull out. Some guys are....you finish that. :)

Usually being gay starts with a rape of some kind. A lesbian room-mate I had was raped by her uncle. My mom was raped by her male cousin. I think she is slightly gay actually. A guy I worked with was raped by his dad. A guy I dated was molested by kids at school. It seems something happens to all of us. Why does God let it all happen? He told me it's to help us learn to overcome. Indeed we do learn that. 

I would guess we all have a story like these that we never talk about. Sick people who want too much from us. Some won't take no for an answer. It's sad that for most of us our first sexual encounters were shameful and forceful. I think that is why sex is so confusing in our modern society. So many struggle with what they want their gender to be. Ok, maybe gay women are afraid of men and sex with men, but why is sex with a woman any better? It's still tricky no matter what gender you do things with. Changing genders isn't going to solve the problem for you. 

May God help us all heal from sexual trauma. Keep living your life. Keep your head up. It is good to forget such things but if you need to process them, then do. Tell at least one person things you have never spoken about. It can bring healing for you. Seeing their reaction can help too. Seeing their sympathy can help. Having someone tell you it wasn't your fault helps. 

May God bless you all and heal you. :)

Sexual Intimacy

 Is it ever a woman's fault if her man watches porn? No. It is his parents' fault for not raising him with better morals. Come on parents, teach your boys to respect women! And to have more self-control. 

Ok if the woman refuses to have sex with her man for a year, then anyone could understand him watching porn or wanting to pursue another woman. But if she regularly agrees to have sex with him, there should be no reason for him to need porn. 

Why is porn a need anyways? It used to be that men could just think of a woman they found attractive and pleasure themselves that way. Why is porn ever needed? Then in theory the guy would propose to that woman, and hopefully he could get it on with her often and never need to masturbate again. 

The reason some men need to masturbate often is that sex becomes their idol. They become a sex addict. It can be like a drug and they get dependent on it. 

Excessive masturbation also comes from being selfish. You want what you want now and it doesn't matter what would be the good and moral thing to do. If a man thinks of his wife while masturbating, I think that is fine. God probably gave humans the idea to masturbate because both people aren't always in the mood. If one is and the other isn't, then that works. But don't think about some other person while you masturbate. 

Cheating always begins in your mind. The more you desire another person, the less you will desire your mate. If you want to last a long time as a couple, try to only desire your mate. 

Maybe they are less attractive now then when you met. Too bad. That is the case for almost every couple. If you want a long term mate, you have to forget about wanting a perfect body on them. 

There is a great 80's song that has the line, "Let the one you hold, be the one you want." Awe so cute. Amen. "All for love" is the song. Just decide to keep having a crush on who you are with. Your life will go better if you do. Love is a feeling, but you can make yourself have more of that feeling if you want to. 

The issue that causes cheating might be that you are acting spoiled or ungrateful. Be grateful for who you have. At least you have someone. Focus on what is still hot about them. 

Stay faithful. Stay good. And you will always be happy. 

May God bless you all with long and faithful relationships. 😃

Singing at Bedtime

 If you need a way to make bed time more enjoyable for you and your baby or child, sing some Christmas songs. Ones I have sung lately are Silent Night and Away in a Manger. Tonight I tried doing Breath of Heaven and Mary Did You Know. I realized I don't know either of those songs very well, but they are great songs. 🙂

Tis the season to sing! Get your singing time going. It is fun! 😁

Porn is Evil

There is a great video titled "Porn, Talk it Out." Check it out, after you read this. 😁 It is a show from Joyce Meyer Ministries. It shows three women talking about how they found out their husbands were watching porn. One was cheated on, and with the other two there was a porn issue. I'm sure the cheater was watching porn too. I would say about 90% of men watch porn regularly. 😣 Why do they? If they have a mate, I'm sure it's mainly because they want more intimacy than they are currently having, but if the couple has kids that makes it difficult to get it on more. 

Porn triggers a woman's insecurity because she knows she doesn't look like the women in the porn videos. The only reason they look mostly perfect like they do is because they never had kids. That is why they have to have a career of making porn videos. I feel sorry for them, really. I bet they all wish some guy would have kids with them 👶 so they could have a normal life, but they are probably scared of having kids. Anyways, any of us who have had kids feel that having kids messed up our body, which it did, so that is why it is so hurtful if our man looks at porn. It is like he is saying, "You are not hot anymore after kids. So I want to look at all these hot women instead of you." 😟

I had a sad story with my ex where he told me he was looking at porn. At first I tried to be understanding. The next day though I was freaking out and crying. I said to him, "Why? Was I not freaky enough for you?" I felt betrayed. 😢 I felt like he had cheated on me, and not just once but our entire marriage. That is what it feels like to a woman. It feels the same as literal cheating. Guys may think, "Well I didn't touch anyone so it's not cheating." No, it is. You still looked at her and lusted after her. It's still cheating. If you want her more than the woman you are with, it's cheating and it's wrong. 😠

If you are not satisfied with how your mate meets your sexual needs, then just break up with them, rather than watch porn. You may think, "But I couldn't do that to them, just leave them. That's so mean." Is watching porn and lying to them about it really that much better? No, it's not. 😩 It's better to just break up.

 I always felt that way about affairs. Why don't they just break up with the person rather than cheat on them? It seems stupid. The reason is that they still care about their mate and don't want to hurt them by dumping them, but cheating can be worse. They cheat because they want to see what else they could have, but they don't know if it could work out. They are just testing it. They know deep down it probably wouldn't work out long term, but they want to see if it might. That is why they cheat. There are other reasons for cheating. 

How do I know? I cheated one time. It was on my ex who was formerly gay. After he told me he used to be gay, I had almost no physical attraction to him. Beyond that, he was infertile. I'm sure that was God cursing him for being gay. 😣 So I hooked up with a guy from work hoping he could get me pregnant, since that boyfriend could not. Was it wrong? Of course. But if he could have been a good sperm donor, it all could have worked out ok. My gay boyfriend and I could have raised his kid. 😂 But no, he made me take a Plan B. So sad. 

That could be another cause of porn. Maybe the guy has baby fever, and his woman doesn't want more kids. Rather than discuss that with her, he just watches porn, or he cheats. 😒 If you buy your woman a new car, men, she probably would have another baby with you. There are ways to make things like that happen if you really want it. 

Mainly guys just watch porn because all they care about is themselves. 😣😢 Men can be and usually are very selfish. They just want what they want and don't care what anyone else thinks or wants. It is what it is. This is why men are more often addicts than women. Women think about how things will affect others or hurt others. Guys don't think about that as much, and it is very messed up that they don't. 

If your man is doing things you don't like, just try to not care. That will make things easier for everyone. 😁 You have to learn to not care. Maybe they are damning themselves to hell by doing what they do, but you can only do so much to try to save them. If they don't care to save themselves then oh well. Just stop feeling responsible for their salvation and focus on keeping yourself saved. 

Sex Trafficking

 I just had a terrible nightmare that I was being sex trafficked. It may have been a dream from God to warn me. I was just going to a Petsmart with a friend. Then I was taken up an elevator into a room. They wanted to draw my blood for whatever reason. I said to my friend, "What if they are trying to kidnap us for sex trafficking?" She said, "Well then let's escape." She opened a window and jumped out. I followed her. We turned into odd looking animals to blend in and not get found. Then we were safe.

 Then I was again in the facility. This time I was in the changing room where the prostituted women were. I walked undetected through the place. I sat in a meeting where a man was giving a presentation about what girls they had to offer. Then two Asian woman came to take me. I ran out a door and jumped off a roof into a pool. Then I climbed out and ran away. Some Asian guy was chasing me, but I was faster. I knocked on a house door and told the guy someone wanted to kill me. Could I come inside? He let me in. 

That is a recurring dream for me, the last part. Maybe it's my dad that I am hiding from. I just know I always need some house to hide in to keep me safe from a man who is after me. 

For any of you who got molested as a child in your own home, it is really hard. You don't feel safe anywhere. You realized your home as a child wasn't safe, so is any home safe? You worry that every person is trying to hurt you. You feel like you are always running away from something or someone for the rest of your life. You want to run away from your past, and you keep thinking your present is your past, but it's not. 

Maybe we think like that because demons are all over. They possess people more often then we know. What made your parents crazy and hurt you could make anyone crazy and hurt you. Yes that is possible. How do you not live in fear all the time that someone will hurt you again? Just have faith that God will keep you safe in the future. Maybe he didn't in the past, and he is sorry, but in the future he will. Just believe. 

Alexander and the....

 No good, horrible, very bad day. I loved that book when I was a kid. 

How many of those have you had? I have had a good number of them in my lifetime. 

This movie shows how chaotic families can get. Everyone is yelling at each other at one point. The baby lost his binkie so he cries all day. The daughter is sick. The big brother fails his driving test and wrecks the family car. Alexander admits to cursing the day at one point. It makes you wonder if other people really can curse your day. 

A note on yelling. It solves no problems and just makes you feel guilty later. Try to never yell at anyone. I have seriously yelled about 8 times in my life. Each time were moments that I wish never happened. 

What gets you through super bad days? For me it is songs like "Hold On" by Justin Bieber. Another great song is "Tomorrow" by Out of Eden. Omg go listen to it. 😁👏🎉

I hope those songs help you endure the bad days. 

Brian

 After my ex-husband went crazy and left, I rented out rooms in my house. The first person that responded to my add was a short guy named Brian. He was gay in a past relationship. I didn't know that initially, but somehow we still ended up falling in love. He needed a place to live in that town while his new house was being built. We became a couple. He had a 3 year old son who was adorable. I cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner for them. I made their beds and did their laundry. It was a wonderful new happy family for me. We went out to do karaoke two nights a week. We even did street music together. He played his guitar and I sang. I bought bongo drums to use. 😁

We went to church together a lot. We hung out with his brother sometimes. It was a great family that helped me not miss my original family as much. He was my angel for a year. He was a godsend. 

Sadly it all ended one day when he got greedy. He knew I was kind of making a lot working in pizza delivery. He said he would "have to charge me more for rent." I moved out the next day. After all we did together and all the great times, how could he be so cold? How could he only want me for my money? 

It just wasn't meant to last forever. His house ironically was on a street called Yearwood. I felt God telling me that meant I should only be with him for a year. Now I know that was because he was a mean spirited person who was only pretending to be kind for a season. 

All good things come to an end eventually. 

But now I have my own son and a less greedy man, so that is great. God works all things together for the good. 

Don't just want money from who you are with. You should want them mainly for their friendship. Money comes and goes. People can stay forever, if you treat them well. 

Harvest Farms

 For some families, it is the time of year to go hang out on a farm for a day. 4 years ago I had a great day on a farm with my ex and his 3 year old son. His brother and his wife came too. We drove an hour to get to Tanaka farms outside of Austin. 

First thing we saw was a bucket full of mini squirt guns. We had an awesome squirt gun war. Then on the map we saw the kid corn maze. We all did that. It was a little difficult. Then we did the hay ride and the adult corn maze. That was a long and arduous journey that I thought would never be over. Then we got shaved ice. Then we did the tractor train ride. After we saw all there was to see, we decided to go home. 

 Most of us slept on the way home. It was a great experience. If you live around Austin, check it out. :) 

A Baby Schedule

 If you are caring for a baby feel free to use this schedule too....

7am wake up. Baby watches me have coffee and a muffin. 

Put on Blippi for the baby while I write a blog.

9am Tummy time and leg kicking time while playing dance music.

10am Nap time. Rock baby to sleep in nursery. 

 11am Disney movie and my man brings lunch 

2pm Nap time again 😁

3pm movies, music videos...

5pm walk around the block

6pm Bed time. Rock baby to sleep. 

Have only yogurt for dinner to lose weight. 

6 to 9pm try to sleep or write blogs or prayer time.

I hope you all have a happy daily schedule. 😃

A Spirit of Jealousy

 What is a main cause of divorce? Jealousy. Usually, it is the woman who looks at a guy's phone when she can to see who talks to him and what he looks at. With my ex, he would always look at my phone while I was sleeping. He looked at all my e-mails. He looked at my texts. I felt like I couldn't text anyone, because he would skew anything to make it seem bad. I was locked in a cage. The tighter you try to hold someone down, the more they will just want to fly away. Don't get overly jealous with who you are with. It will drive both of you crazy. 

Jealousy comes from insecurity. My ex wasn't working anymore. He was looking at porn. My mom had to support us. Of course he would start to think he didn't deserve me, and that I was going to be with someone else. I didn't have anyone else in mind yet, but he got paranoid. He forgot that he deserved me as long as he was working. Instead of finding work, just even at a gas station, he chose to spend all his energy being paranoid about me leaving him. If you aren't constructive in some way, you will do destructive things. 

Keep yourself busy doing good things. Then you won't do bad things. Make yourself the person that your mate wants to live with forever. Then you won't be insecure. You know how you need to act and what to do, so just do it. You can't force someone to stay with you out of fear. They have to want to stay with you out of love. If you don't deserve that love, then let them go so they can find real love rather than jealous control and manipulation. Love only grows in freedom. 

Child Support

 I know why I essentially dumped my two daughters on my ex and his parents. Logically since he was going crazy, he wouldn't have paid child support possibly ever. My step-dad molested my daughter, so I couldn't live with them. My brother may have let us live with him, but he had a pitbull. No way did I want my two girls living with a pitbull. Some parents do that. I say they are crazy. 

So I put my ex in charge of them for a season. Maybe if my books sell a ton, I can take the reigns on raising them again. 

You know what I have always seen as so low? When a man has kids with a woman and then runs off to have kids with another woman, while not supporting the first set of kids at all. I knew that was not going to happen to me, but it could have. Any man who wants to have kids is obligated to provide for that kid probably until he dies. There should not be an out or an escape for a man. So often there is though. They leave the mom with the kids and give her nothing to take care of them. Such men are unbelievable when they do that. Such men should be castrated. 🤔😳😣

Men, if you have kids, don't ever let yourself get lazy. Keep providing for them in any way you can. 

Should a mom provide for her kids? Is she obligated to. Usually I would say no. If a woman can just provide for herself, that is a miracle. Almost no woman can make as much as a man can. I tip my hat to all the single moms out there. I don't know how you do it, but you are all super heros. 😃 

Provide for your kids, men. You can do it. 

Avoid Divorce

 In the movie "A Good Mother" the mom is talking to her grandma. She said she divorced her ex because they weren't making each other happy. The grandma said, "Happy...yes there were 10 years where I woke up wishing I had died the night before." "What fixed it?" "My next baby girl." 

Most marriages aren't that terrible but some are. 

Does your mate keep you happy? If they don't maybe you want too much from them. Maybe you expect to be spoiled. If you want them to spoil you, do you spoil them? Do you try hard to keep them happy? 

Marriage is work. It requires self-control. It takes giving up sleep at times to fill their needs. It takes not eating all the food in the house so they have food too. 😁

It's all about the little things. Every evening for 1.5 years now I have sent my man an encouraging text when he is working. I think that has helped keep us together. You have to show you care for each other, in some way. He gets me take out every day for lunch from anywhere I want it from. Both people need to give in some way. 

If one is giving and the other is not, that is when marriages become miserable. How do you make the other person give? You can't. If they don't want to give anymore it is over. The love has died, and you probably should get marriage counseling or separate for a season. 

Nothing lasts forever. To all you who try hard to keep your love alive, good job and keep up the good work. 😁 I pray you all get to stay with whoever you are with until you die, if you want to. 

Lastly if you ever consider divorce, remember what Jesus said about the topic: 

Mark 10 2-11

2 Some Pharisees came and tested Jesus by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”

3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied.

4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”

5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. 6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ 7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

10 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

That is quite serious. Technically I have not remarried. I have only been married one time. But I am acting married so basically I am remarried. 

Jesus says in another place in the case of sexual immorality the spouse is not bound. My ex looked at porn excessively when we were married. I considered that sexual immorality. Therefore I was free from the marriage. 

What is funny is one time he asked if I was looking at porn because then he had grounds to divorce me. I never did. I think he just never want to be married to me. Oh well. 

Marriage is never easy. If you can stay married for 60 years, you will probably deserve a gold medal. 😃👏🎉

How to Be Less Stressed

 Turn your TV volume down to half the volume. 

Cover all your windows with thick curtains. It can be nice to have one uncovered window to look out when you want to. 

Eat when you are hungry. Sleep or lay down when you are tired. 

Hug your pets. 

Have together time but also let yourself have alone time. 

Follow a schedule every day. 

Drink less caffeine. 

Eat more meat and cheese. 

Eat and drink healthy things. 

Have your groceries delivered. 

Forget about cuddling if it hurts your body to cuddle. 

Stretch every day. 

Dance to Bieber's music sometimes. 

Pray more. 

Don't look at your phone all day.

Go to bed early. 

Don't commit any sins. 

Don't gossip about others. 

Write about things you worry about. 

Take more baths.

Save some money every week.

May God bless you so you will stay at peace. :)

Talking

 When I was little, I was very shy. I hated having to talk in front of the class for presentations. I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to keep to myself. Then I had to go to counseling due to my dad molesting me. I had to talk for an hour each time about how I felt. That probably led to me wanting to write. 

I had a few friends that I would talk to a lot. My friend Nicole called me every night to talk. My friend Ashley and I hung out after school every day until my mom got off work. In college I didn't have much time to be social. I had a few good friends in the choir I was in. That was nice. 

I always had jobs in customer service, so I had one or two great friends at each job. I liked talking with my exes sometimes. Mostly in the car though, we just listened to music. At home we would just watch movies. I'm guessing that's how things are for most of you out there. I bet you get tired of not talking don't you? Movies, TV, music....our phone, we all have forgotten how to talk to real people. It is quite sad. I think most of us think what's the point of talking a lot? If you do, you might say or hear things you didn't want to hear. We would rather watch drama in movies then hear about drama in other people's lives. 

I encourage you all to talk more with your mate or best friend or mom or whoever you are the closest to. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing. Just talk and enjoy talking with them. :)

Getting Close to God

 The only reason why I'm glad I was with my ex husband was that he brought me closer to God. Now I talk freely with God all day, like in conversational form as if he was right next to me. I didn't do that until 5 years ago when I first spoke in tongues. 

For 6 long years my ex was trying to force me to do tongues. I wasn't interested. I didn't realize it actually could bring me closer to God. He had had several Pentecostal experiences. I never had them, and I was glad I didn't. But I always felt something was wrong or that a big thing was missing. I always knew the gift of tongues may be important. 

Finally it happened. My ex and I were confessing sins to each other and it happened. It was like lightning striking. I just randomly started talking in tongues. It was a bit of a sad experience though because he said, "That's not tongues." He didn't recognize it because his tongue had always been a demonic tongue. 😣 I never wanted tongues because it didn't do much for him. He didn't seem to be all that interested in God. He struggled with demons giving him tons of anxiety. But he had a demonic tongue. It wasn't from God. 

If you want tongues badly enough, Satan can give you the gift too. Seek God, not tongues and it will be a gift that comes from God. 

Pray for my ex. Pray that he will see the evil that he got himself into and that he will find his way to the true light of Christ, instead of the fake light of Satan. 

A Change

 "All good things come to an end." That phrase helps me quite often when I think about how I lost my family. I was just asking God why he couldn't protect my ex-husband forever so he could keep working and not go crazy. God said, "Change is good sometimes." 

Then I remembered how hard bed time was for me and my daughters. One of my daughters was a bit ADHD so getting her to sleep was super hard. Usually families have two kids and each parent helps in getting one kid to sleep. I was one parent having to master two kids. It was not easy. My ex worked the night shift, so that's why I was on my own. I remember a friend saying that can be really hard on a marriage, and yes it was. I tried asking him to change shifts but no, he refused. 😢

What did bed time look like? I would have the oldest girl go in her bed. I would say good night, sweet dreams.... I should have read her a story. Then I would lay down and cuddle with my younger girl until she fell asleep. The oldest would come out sometimes and I would keep walking her back to her room. 😣 I should have traded off. One night I could have cuddled with one child and the next night with the other. I tried cuddling with both of them a few times, but it didn't work. 

Parenting is not perfectly easy for anyone. We all have daily riddles to figure out constantly. What would make the child the most happy now? It is a non stop guessing game of trial and error. 

To all of you parents of multiple kids out there, my heart goes out to you. Keep being strong. You can do it. Hang in there. Someday you will have great parties with all your kids, and you will be so happy that you had as many as you did. 🙂 One of my grandmas had 5 boys. The other had 2 boys and 2 girls. We had the coolest family parties. I'm sure they were always overjoyed that they had so many kids, once their kids were older. 😁

Big families can be tons of fun. 😃🎉

Halloween is Evil

 I was checking out the Halloween decor that Wal-Mart has online. I don't get why every person who looks at spiders and skeletons and imitation dead people doesn't think, "Ewe that is ugly. Why would I put that in my yard?" But people like to blend into the crowd. 

No more blending in people! Stand out for Jesus! There are better ways to decorate for this upcoming fall season. My favorite is the fall leaf garlands. Get a few of those to put up inside and outside. The pumpkin decor sets are cute. Pastor John Ramirez teaches that no decorations for Halloween are what we should do. But I say pumpkins are ok. "To the pure all things are pure." Except skeletons and ghosts. Those are evil.😣

Be careful how you decorate. Do you want to please man or God? You can do both. Just decorate with cute things rather than horrific looking things. It's not funny to scare other people. It's mean. 😭😂

Love Songs

 Have you noticed that the only great love songs were in the 80's? From 1990 onward they were not about love but lust. 

The great love songs of the 80's were about being faithful and never giving up on each other. 

Ok Jason Mraz had some good love songs. Recently Bieber has written some great ones. Ed Sheeran made some great ones. 

But the most heart felt ones were in the 80's. You could really feel the beautiful side of love in those songs. 

Go listen to some 80's love songs. 😁

Along Came Polly

You always see the pairing in movies of the straight edge and the loose person. Plains, Trains and Automobiles, Titanic, Due Date, all those movies have this pairing, which makes those movies so interesting. Along Came Polly has this same dynamic. I just watched that again. I think we all tend to swing between those two extremes, or at least I do. There is the child-like side of ourselves that just wants to have fun. Then there is the mature side of us that wants everything to be perfect and planned out and predictable. Sometimes we get tired of being so uptight and we finally let our hair down. We finally cut loose. I think the reason us serious people don't cut loose more often is because we have seen irresponsible people get hurt a lot. We have seen other people who weren't perfectionists mess up their life. So we become more rigid. We don't want to take any risks. We keep things predictable and not messy. We like things to be cookie cutter, but then it gets boring. I thought I was Polly from the movie. I think my boyfriend has been more like Polly for me, in that he has helped me to cut loose. I tend to be very rigid. My house has always been spotless. I don't like messes. I want things to be perfect. But very few things in life are perfect, and we just have to accept that. Life is messy. Life is crazy sometimes. We have to cut loose and just have fun when we can. When is the last time you had a lot of fun? Go have some fun. :)

Press On

Phil. 3:12-15

"Not that I have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

James 1:3 

"You know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

No matter how difficult things may seem, never give up. Come up with a game plan on how to make things better and do it. Things are never as bad as you think they are, and they can always get better. This too shall pass. 

I heard a great sermon today by the pastor of Red Rocks church, Shawn Johnson. It was titled "How to Keep Going." He noted how Paul could have given up many times, but he didn't. At the end he was able to say that he "fought the good fight." He finished his ministry well. He did a good job, and he knew he did. He did a good job because he never gave up. 

It is not about how you start but how you finish. Finish well. Finish everything you do well. 

Here is a great poem on this subject: 

Mother to Son

BY LANGSTON HUGHES

"Well, son, I’ll tell you:

Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

It’s had tacks in it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor—

Bare.

But all the time

I’se been a-climbin’ on,

And reachin’ landin’s,

And turnin’ corners,

And sometimes goin’ in the dark

Where there ain’t been no light.

So boy, don’t you turn back.

Don’t you set down on the steps

’Cause you finds it’s kinda hard.

Don’t you fall now—

For I’se still goin’, honey,

I’se still climbin’,

And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair."

Life is never perfect for anyone, but you need to press on with a good attitude. Be grateful for all that you have. Spread light around when you can, to who you can. Stay in faith. Keep your hope alive. You have what it takes. You can do whatever God has called you to do, because he will do it with you. You are not alone. Cling to God when you have hard days. 

Do things that keep you happy. There is always a light at the end of a tunnel. Just keep walking toward that light. 

Go on Two Walks Everyday

The best cure for anxiety or depression is getting more exercise. That doesn't have to mean going to a gym. I am a germaphobe, so I prefer to avoid places like gyms. If you know you need to get more happy, just go for two walks every day. 

It can be hard to find the ideal time to go on a walk. You probably won't feel like going right when you wake up. Usually an hour after waking up is a good time to walk. Then a few hours before bed time is a great time to go for a walk. If you have a baby, or any child, that is a great way to help them fall asleep. 

Most of us just sit all day. We don't even realize that we do. We are probably either sitting and looking at our phone or at a TV. Get up and move your body. Dance around to fun music, or you can go on a walk outside. Any illness or disease you don't want can be prevented by walking every day, so do it. And I hope it is always fun for you. 

Alpha and Beta Signs

I have noticed that we are born with a certain personality. People have always wondered if it's nature or nurture that causes a child's personality. We are very much born a certain way, with a certain make up. I noticed that when working in a pre-school with toddlers. Every child is born different from other children. That is why I started researching the signs. Some signs are alpha and others are beta. My dad and I are alpha signs. We seemed to be natural born leaders. We like to talk a lot. My mom and brother are beta signs. They have always seemed more like followers. That was a bit odd for me being an alpha to be raised by a beta. I always felt more like I was my mom's mom instead of her being my mom. Perhaps a lot of kids have felt that way about their parents. The reason might be that you are an alpha sign, and your parent is a beta sign. 

I also have always known I am a fire sign. Fire can be good, if it is controlled, or else it can cause a bonfire. It can explode more easily, but it can keep others warm. There are good and bad sides to fire, of course. All the fire signs are alpha signs. They usually are the Cholerics of the world, the A type personalities. They are the ones who are good leaders and get things done, but they can be kind of mean sometimes. 

I have heard Joyce Meyer say a few times that she wished she was born with a more submissive and quiet personality, but she wasn't. We are all born the way we will be the rest of our lives. We can try to hide our real selves under a mask, but our true colors come out eventually. The key is to harness your strengths and use them for good rather than bad. It can be good that some are followers. We can't all be leaders. But leaders are helpful to shine the light and lead the way for others. That is what I try to do anyways. 

What are you? A beta or an alpha? You probably already know. If you are an alpha, use your gift of speaking and leading to influence others in a positive way. If you are beta, thank you for being so calm and sweet and kind. Don't sweep things under the rug until you explode though. Learn to express yourself. What you want matters. If you know that it does, others will believe it does too. 

The Prosperity Gospel

There are two opposite teachings on faith. You can believe you will get absolutely anything you want, which is the prosperity gospel, or you can believe God will get your through anything you need to get through, with a good attitude. 

Does God want you to Always be healthy and wealthy? No. I don't know why pastors still teach that. That is what Charismatic preachers often teach. Health and wealth are the two main things they teach on repeat, and it has always annoyed me. 

Here are verses about being rich...."You cannot love both God and money." "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven." "The love of money is the root of all evil." 

Can you be rich and still love God more than your money? Yes of course, but it is not easy. Any time I have had a good amount of money, I tend to spend it quickly. Maybe I worry all the extra money will corrupt me and pull me away from God. I have seen that happen to a few people. 

I spent 20k in 3 months one time. It was a life insurance check I got for a friend who passed. I should have saved it, but I always think of the verse, "Do not store up for yourselves treasure on earth where moth and rust destroy." I went to Australia, and it was a fun trip. I am glad I did it, even though it could have seemd like a waste of money. God can use money to bless you, but he can bless you in other ways too.

Does God want you to always be healthy? Jesus did heal almost anyone who was sick everywhere he went. That was to establish the fact that he was and is God. It did not mean that God wants to heal everyone, every time they are sick. If he did, then he would. So many people stay sick for a long time. That does not mean God doesn't love you. It means he wants to teach you something in your pain. He wants you to learn patience and endurance. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger yes? It makes your faith a lot stronger too, that you can survive many things. 

Did God heal Paul, who wrote most of the New Testament? This is a passage that Pentecostal preachers often ignore. What did Paul say? In 2 Cor. 12 he said, 

"I was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

This means that God even told Paul no in regards to healing him. But he wrote most of the New Testament. If God told him no, of course he will tell us no. He wants to make us stronger. We don't get stronger when we are always happy and comfortable. Was Jesus always comfortable? No. Neither will we be. Neither should we be. 

God wants you to become more mature in your pain. God wants you to give to the poor so that you will not love your money more than him. Don't love any money that you have, and don't expect God to keep you totally healthy. He does not do that in reality. 

Stay Humble

Romans 12:3 

"For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."

It is good to have faith in yourself, but not to be arrogant. Believe in yourself, but don't overdo it. You can't do everything, but God can through you. There is a lot of pop psychology today which is humanism telling you to believe in the hero inside of you. Be your own hero. Why not let God be your hero? You can accomplish whatever you want to, but with God's help. 

If you try to live your life without God's help, you will get lost. "Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge God and he will direct your path." What does that mean? Ask God. Before you make any major decision, ask God if that is the right thing to do. Don't act impulsively. God will always give you advice. All you have to do is ask him. 

I think most people talk to themselves when they need to make decisions. Writing about your concerns helps. The best thing is to talk to God about it. How do you know when it is God talking to you? If the voice seems wiser than you are, you know it's God. If the voice is steering in a good direction, it is God. 

The more humble you are, the more you will rely on God. The more you rely on God, the better your life will go. "God gives grace to the humble but opposes the proud." Grace means favor. If you want God's favor, stay humble. Believe in yourself, but mostly believe in you and God accomplishing anything you need to accomplish. Give your dreams to God, and watch him bring them to pass. 

Mary Poppins Returns

 At the end of the movie an old lady asks Michael "Have you forgotten what it was like to be a child?" 

I think we all forget those happy days before bills and break ups and bankruptcies. Before blindness and bad days and days of boredom. 😃

This is why most of us have children. It it like we get to rewind and experience the carefree fun of being a child all over again. We get to ride around the block on bikes again. We have a reason to go to the park again. We get to be silly and playful again. We have a reason to smile and laugh again. 

The movie was exquisitely done. The songs were fantastic. I loved the bath time that turned into deep sea diving. It was by far the most entertaining movie ever done. Two thumbs way up to the cast and song writers. 😁👏

Is Mary Poppins a witch? Or is she just good at using her imagination? Everyone thinks she can do anything, perhaps because she has the confidence that says she can. She believes anything is possible. She can create heaven on earth. 

In theory, we all can. We just have to believe it is possible. A great and happy life begins in your imagination. You have a dream and then make the dream come true. You never know what you can do or have until it is yours. "You have not because you ask not." What do you wish you had? Just pray and ask God for it. 😃

My Life Story

I was raised in a very religious family.  I say religious because my mom was Christian but my dad was just religious.  They were involved in a church called "the Local Church" for a long time, which was very legalistic.  The people may have looked good on the outside and said all the right stuff, but it was mostly a good show they put on out of competition or fear. 

My dad molested me for a while in my childhood.  I could never wrap my mind around how he could be Christian and do that, but he wasn't Christian, he was just religious.  I have had a lot of anger at my mom throughout my lifetime about all that, mainly just at the fact that she married my dad.  I felt she should have taken more time to really judge his character before marrying him, since obviously he turned out to be a bit crazy.  He was analyzed by psychiatrists who said he was "highly intelligent but with a skewed sense of reality."  That skewed sense was that he thought it was his job to teach me everything about life, including sexuality.  Very skewed indeed. 

He went to jail when I was 6 because I told my mom about something he did.  She did not know the whole time what was happening.  He was only in jail for a short time and our family reunited after he got out, which I also had anger at my mom about as an adult.  If it were me, I would have never spoken to him again. 

But then when I was 9 my parents divorced, praise God.  That divorce was a bit hard on me.  I started getting into a lot of trouble, shoplifting and drinking and smoking from about 12 to 14.  Mainly it was because I felt that I was bad due to what happened to me so I thought I might as well act badly. 

When I was 14 my mom and I moved to California from Nebraska to be by her parents.  Praise God for that because from then on my grandma was a very strong and very positive influence in my life.  She helped me see that I needed to do better and that God had a great plan for my life, despite what happened to me.  I felt like she really believed in me, that I could do anything and be anything.  So I did.  I went on a mission's trip at 14 to India.  I joined all the leadership teams at my church.  I was in tons of AP classes in high school and a debate club and choir and basketball.  I did everything I could do.  I love a quote I heard once, "The most reprobate sinners become the most devout saints."  I think it's because the energy you put into being bad you then put into doing good and helping others.

Then I went to Biola for college, a private Christian school.  I kind of had the wind taken out of my sails there.  I think I felt less than the other kids who all seemed to come from perfect families.  I felt kind of like the black sheep there all four years.  I also had lots of anxiety about what people thought of me and my grades.  But I did learn a ton about the Bible and God there and I praise God for that. 

After college I mostly worked at jobs helping kids.  I felt like my calling in life was to help other kids have a really happy childhood since I didn't.  I have heard "Your greatest ministry comes from your greatest pain."  My greatest pain was that most of my young life was not happy at all, so I wanted to create happiness for as many kids as I could.  I ran games at summer camps, tried teaching and did lots of tutoring.  I tried to encourage as many kids as I could, like my grandma always had encouraged me.  

At 25 I met a wonderful Christian guy.  We got engaged, but when I was 27 he died due to drinking while on to many prescriptions.  That started a war inside me kind of against prescription drugs and doctors.  That time of grieving over his death was a very, very hard time for me.  I never questioned my faith though.  I only pressed harder into God in that time and started writing in my new blog a ton.  His death made me realize even more how little time we all have, and that I could die any day.  I felt all the more that I needed to start doing as much as I could to help others and change the world, as much as I could.

When I was 28 I met my ex-husband online.  We had two little girls who were total angels. We divorced 5 years ago due to his mental health problems. He may have just had Schizophrenia. To me it seemed that demons were pestering him in his mind. Whatever it was, I could not handle living with him anymore. I didn't have enough patience to deal with his accusations. One of his delusions was he thought I was cheating on him. I wasn't, but no matter what I said, he was sure that I was. It was impossible to reason with him. Overall, I did not want to live with him anymore, also due to his ongoing involvement in Charismania. I felt that type of church was full of witchcraft and as a result, I felt like it caused him to become possessed. 

About 9 years ago I started making something I call "Jesus Packets" that have bracelets, candy and a Bible tract. I think my motivation for those is that if I can't save my dad, maybe I can help to save many others.  I think I have made about 8,000 of those so far. Hopefully those are making a difference.  My goal in life has always been to push away the darkness as much as I can and shine as much light in this world as I can in any way I can, through music or making craft things or my blog writing.  Hopefully God has taken every effort I have made and multiplied it's effects like Jesus did with the bread and the fish.

About 2 years ago I met my current sweetie. We just had a sweet baby boy named James. I am very much loving my second chance at a family. We both went to Christian school for a while growing up. We feel like a great match and God willing, we will stay together forever. He is very kind. He likes to drink a bit more then I want him to, but it is best to give others freedom, I have learned. Please pray he is more careful with his drinking. 

If you have never prayed to receive the free gift of Jesus' salvation, say this prayer, "God thank you for sending Jesus to die for me. Holy Spirit please come into my heart and transform me into the person God wants me to be."

A Good Mother

This movie was intense. It is about a custody battle over a 6 year old girl. The mom divorced the dad because she said the sex was cold. Also he quickly married another woman, so he probably was cheating. I can relate. The intimate life with my ex-husband was never great. It was robotic. I guess that's why I always wondered if he was gay, or if there was another woman. Only God knows. 

She said the sex was frigid with her ex-husband. Maybe he was mad she gave him a daughter instead of a son. When I was with my ex, I watched the movie The Duchess. I was thinking her life was like mine. She kept having girls and the Duke was very angry about it. He pretty much hated her for it, not that she had control over the matter. He wanted a son, an heir. I think God gives the men who really want a son a daughter instead to teach them to love both genders. :) I had the same issue with my ex. He was mad that both our daughters weren't sons. I was happy they were girls. I didn't understand why it mattered so much to him, but I guess most men just want a son. So stupid. 

Anyways, that couple didn't work out. Then the mom is looking for a more spicy romance with a new guy. She finds it, but then there are accusations of him messing with her daughter. It seemed like it was a mistake. They don't show this on screen. They just talk about it. The story is that the boyfriend was getting out of the shower. The daughter got a towel for him, but then saw him naked. She asked to touch his member, which I don't think that ever actually happens. He let her. That is what started the custody battle between the lady and her ex-husband. 

It was a movie that seemed to display my greatest fear. I have had a few boyfriends since my divorce. I just met the guys when I did, so I never knew if I could trust them around my daughters. Can you fully trust anyone around your kids these days? So I did not try hard to get shared custody of my girls. I wasn't sure if I could trust any guy around them. It seems like half of guys now are capable of being child molesters. Sorry to the men out there, but you all need to control your sexual urges more. 

The movie also took me back to my childhood. Our family was in court at least once over the case with my dad molesting me. I don't know why we were in court, but I remember it. I think possibly CPS was considering taking my brother and I away even from my mom. They didn't know if she was part of the molest. The truth was that she was just too gullible to believe my dad was capable of doing wrong things with a child. The mom character in the movie very much was like my mom. She couldn't see that perhaps that guy was not a guy she should be with. 

In that movie, it made it seem like no big deal. Like everyone was over-reacting to an odd event. Was the boyfriend evil for letting that happen? Are some men wrongly accused of being child molesters when they aren't? I'm sure that happens, but there are tons of sick men out there who are attracted to children in a wrong way. If you have known anyone like that, may God help you recover from being around that person. Hopefully you can believe in the goodness of people again, and trust people again, someday. 

May God bless you and keep your kids safe from sex predators. 

Father of the Bride 2

 I saw this as a kid and remembered it had a great story line. A guy has to deal with his wife and daughter getting pregnant at the same time. It is hilarious. 

The mom must have been 50. I suppose some women do get pregnant that old. I can't imagine. It was odd enough me being pregnant at 38. But I did it. Gold star for me! 😃 

It would have been crazy if my mom was pregnant at the same time as me. If that happens in families, I can imagine it is extra special. 

Go watch the movie if you haven't seen it. It's awesome! 

Move Your Mountains

  Matthew 17:20

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." 

Do you believe that? I must admit it is hard to believe. The non religious way to say this is, you can do anything you set your mind to. If you want it, you will make it happen. 

The truth is, the life you have now is the life you want the most, or else you would change it. You are in control of your own life and your future. You can be anyone you want to be. You can do anything you want to do. 

Did Jesus really mean we can relocate mountains? It was meant to be an analogy. Things you see as impossible can become possible. You just have to want it and believe it's possible. All things are possible to those who believe. 

If you want it badly enough, you can make it happen. The things you don't have, you don't actually want or else you would have them. You really have everything that you currently want. You may think you want more, but you don't really, or you would cause yourself to have it. 

You can only get angry with yourself over anything you don't have. It is not God's fault or anyone's fault. You have to see that you are in complete control over what you have and do not have. 

I saw a book title years ago at Barnes and Noble that caught my attention. It said, "You're Broke Because You Want to Be." That is very true. You like living on the edge. You like being reckless. It is more fun for you. So you spend all that you make to get that high of being scared over barely having enough. You are actually broke because you want to be broke. It keeps you going to work. You could be more frugal,  but you aren't. You like having barely enough so you can get pity from others, but you do it to yourself. Maybe you want others to rescue you, so you make yourself drown. 

This can be true of any wrong in your life. You like the pity of others. 

Or you can stop wanting any pity and decide to be stronger. You can get your act together if you want to. You can have a perfect life. You just have to believe it is possible first. 

Keep Your Shield Up

Ephesians 6:16 

"In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one."

Satan is constantly trying to mess with your head. Those are the flaming arrows that he uses. He can try to run your thoughts into a maddening insanity. Don't let him. Keep your shield of faith up. 

Satan is referred to as the accuser of the brethren. He will try to accuse you to yourself and make you stop believing in yourself. Don't let him. He might try to accuse other people to you to turn you against them. Don't let that happen. God loves it when we love people. Satan wants you to hate them.

Keep the shield of faith up, faith in God, faith in yourself and faith in others. Try to always believe the best about others rather than assume the worst. Our closest friends usually are our friends because they believe the best about us. They trust us. They believe that we are good. Believe that about yourself too. Believe that you will do great things, if you try hard enough. Don't let Satan or anyone else stop you from doing what you know you can do. 😁

Ferngully

This is one of the most creative and happy movies ever made. I remember as a kid I wanted to look like Krista, and I suppose my dream began then of being with a guy named Zach. My bf's name is Zach. The most romantic scene in any movie ever is when they go skipping across the lake. So adorable. 

The movie is about preventing deforestation, but it also is a great love story about two very different people falling in love. He was destroying her home before he met her, but then she helps him to care about the Rainforest. 

The lesson is, value what you have before it's gone. Realize how gorgeous what you already have is, before you destroy it. 

We often don't know how great something is until it is gone. Treasure it now rather than later. See the beauty of it now. 

What all do we quickly destroy? Our bodies, our relationships, our homes, our jobs, our friends, our money, our brains....

Maybe we can "help it grow" instead of easily destroying things. Focus on constructing things instead of cutting things down. 

Boarding School

 In the move Three Men and a Little Lady, the mom decided to marry her director. He plans to send her little girl to boarding school right after they marry. I can't believe places like that ever existed. 

When I was a kid, I had a big fear of being sent to a place like that. Maybe my brother said, as a joke, that our parents would send me there if I misbehaved. 

I can only hope those places have been shut down. My grandma and her sister were put in an orphanage when my grandma was 2. She has happy memories mainly of living there, but I can't imagine growing up like that. 

It is hard to be a kid. You get no say in where you live or what you do. 

I had an ex that was sent to military school in high school. I always figured that made him feel really rejected by his parents. Our relationship ended when he shot up a building of a former boss who didn't pay him. I figured he had anger at his parents for sending him to the military school, and that was what spurned his anger that night. Poor guy. 

The situation in the movie made me think again how horrible it is for kids to have step-parents. No one should ever have to live with a step- parent. It is impossible for the step-parent to care for the child adequately. It is just an odd set up when you are raising someone else's kid. 

If you had a step-parent, I'm sure it sucked for you as much as it did for me. May all future children get to be raised by both of their biological parents. 

Love Triangle

 I have been in many love triangles. They were always kind of fun, but also frustrating for everyone involved. For a summer there were two guys I hung out with a lot. I liked both of them, but wasn't sure which one I liked more. We went skating and I helped one of them skate backwards. That seemed to make the other one jealous. Another time we were swimming, and I had a big water fight with that same one. The other guy went to the other side of the pool to pout. It was funny, but sad too. I didn't end up officially with either of them. 

My recent love triangle was with two guys I worked with. It was interesting. I did not end up with either of them though. 

I think love triangles happen because the two guys are usually best friends. A girl attaches onto their friendship, because it's fun to watch two guys being good friends. She doesn't want to mess up their lovely friendship by dating either of them, so they all just stay friends. 

I doubt it ever happens that two women are best friends, and a guy likes both of them and hangs out with them. Usually the woman gets territorial at some point and doesn't let her man be around the other girl. 

Love triangles can be tricky. One person always ends up going crazy due to jealousy. Usually that then ends the triangle. If you ever get caught up in a love triangle, don't let it continue. It generally doesn't end well. 

Three Men and a Little Lady

 This movie is so cute! Instead of a love triangle, it is one woman and 4 guys she gets to pick from. My goodness. 

It is the sequel to Three Men and a Baby. So she lived with 3 attractive men for 4 years and none of them proposed. They all seemed to be scared of commitment. 

I suppose many people are. I used to say, "Everyone is just with someone until someone better comes along." That is the case for most relationships. 

But there are happy couples who are truly in love, like me and my man. I wouldn't want anyone but him, and I have felt that way about him for 1.5 years now. How great. 

Hopefully you have, or you will, find a person you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. It is great when people love each other to the same degree. Usually love is a reflection. You love the other as much as they love you. But not always. 

Watch the movie. You will love it. 😁

Baby's Day Out

This movie is about justice. It is very similar to Home Alone. Even with the mom having red hair and the child having blonde hair. It is about a few guys who try to steal a baby for ransom money. The entire rest of the movie, the baby is getting back at them, or karma is. They keep getting injured in every way they could. 

The message of the movie is don't hurt kids in any way, or you will pay for it. A lady in the movie says, "I believe that someone watches over the babies." Yes that is very true. Jesus said about children, ""See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven." All children have a guardian angel. It is possible that all of us have one, but for sure the children do. If anyone messes with a child in any way, their guardian angel will mess with that person. So be careful how you treat children. 

It is quite funny all the things those three guys go through trying to make their con happen. It is a shocking movie also, to think of that actually happening. It is a common situation in Mexico. Probably 100 kids are taken for ransom money every day. Pray for the kids of Mexico. That must be why Mexicans keep trying to come to America. At least kids are safer here, for the most part. 

Watch the movie if you haven't seen it. It is great!

Coffee Addiction

It could be said that I am an alcoholic but my alcohol is coffee. It is a substance that I think I need. I have a hard time living without it. It hurts my stomach, and yet I drink it anyways. It can lead to me being more irritable, yet I still drink it. 

Coffee can be just as dangerous as alcohol. Well, it won't cause you to get a DUI or get in an accident, but you could blow up at people you love and mess up your relationships.  Anyone who has had too much caffeine starts to be under the influence of a substance. They are not themselves. 

People often are afraid of alcoholics because they are under the influence of alcohol, so you never know what they might do next. The same could be said of coffee addicts, a little bit. You never know what someone on coffee will do next. It makes you want to clean the entire house, which can be good but may be also annoying. It makes a person a lot more talkative, but maybe also annoying. :(

Coffee is a drug, a simple drug, but it still is one. 

My mom has always been very anti caffeine of any kind. She said it makes her too irritable. I think it was almost dangerous for her, because she was always on medication too for her depression. Sometimes it was a stimulant so that, combined with caffeine, was too much. She would get the shakes maybe, but in her personality. My mom scared me many times because she was usually very irritable. That is why I tend to be against medication now, and coffee is like self-medicating. 

I really should quit, but it's hard. I have tried switching to non-caffeinated tea a few times, but it never lasts long. 

For all my fellow coffee addicts, try giving it up for a week and see if you feel better. You might be more joyful without the coffee. You think the coffee makes you joyful but perhaps it has the oppositve effect. It's possible.