Rape

 I have always thought I have understanding for gay people, because that easily could have been me. I think that's why God kept having me date somewhat gay guys, because I understood why they struggled. I was afraid to even see a male penis for years. I saw one a few times as a kid, because I was forced to. My dad had me play with his in the shower. I don't remember how long that went on for. After that I had no interest in seeing one for a long time. I made out with guys, but I never wanted to go beyond that. Then my step-brother essentially forced sex on me when I was 22. I don't know what the deal is with my family members being sick and evil. White people right? It does seem to be that white people have more sexual issues, or maybe every race does but for some reason we expect white people to have more morals. 

Anyways, he kind of manipulated me into going all the way with him. I was still a virgin. He kept telling me I was selfish because I wouldn't touch his member. Obviously he was the one who was being selfish in expecting more from me than I wanted to do. He kept telling me to take a Plan B because he was too much of an idiot to pull out. Some guys are....you finish that. :)

Usually being gay starts with a rape of some kind. A lesbian room-mate I had was raped by her uncle. My mom was raped by her male cousin. I think she is slightly gay actually. A guy I worked with was raped by his dad. A guy I dated was molested by kids at school. It seems something happens to all of us. Why does God let it all happen? He told me it's to help us learn to overcome. Indeed we do learn that. 

I would guess we all have a story like these that we never talk about. Sick people who want too much from us. Some won't take no for an answer. It's sad that for most of us our first sexual encounters were shameful and forceful. I think that is why sex is so confusing in our modern society. So many struggle with what they want their gender to be. Ok, maybe gay women are afraid of men and sex with men, but why is sex with a woman any better? It's still tricky no matter what gender you do things with. Changing genders isn't going to solve the problem for you. 

May God help us all heal from sexual trauma. Keep living your life. Keep your head up. It is good to forget such things but if you need to process them, then do. Tell at least one person things you have never spoken about. It can bring healing for you. Seeing their reaction can help too. Seeing their sympathy can help. Having someone tell you it wasn't your fault helps. 

May God bless you all and heal you. :)