I was raised in a very religious family. I say religious because my mom was Christian but my dad was just religious. They were involved in a church called "the Local Church" for a long time, which was very legalistic. The people may have looked good on the outside and said all the right stuff, but it was mostly a good show they put on out of competition or fear.
My dad molested me for a while in my childhood. I could never wrap my mind around how he could be Christian and do that, but he wasn't Christian, he was just religious. I have had a lot of anger at my mom throughout my lifetime about all that, mainly just at the fact that she married my dad. I felt she should have taken more time to really judge his character before marrying him, since obviously he turned out to be a bit crazy. He was analyzed by psychiatrists who said he was "highly intelligent but with a skewed sense of reality." That skewed sense was that he thought it was his job to teach me everything about life, including sexuality. Very skewed indeed.
He went to jail when I was 6 because I told my mom about something he did. She did not know the whole time what was happening. He was only in jail for a short time and our family reunited after he got out, which I also had anger at my mom about as an adult. If it were me, I would have never spoken to him again.
But then when I was 9 my parents divorced, praise God. That divorce was a bit hard on me. I started getting into a lot of trouble, shoplifting and drinking and smoking from about 12 to 14. Mainly it was because I felt that I was bad due to what happened to me so I thought I might as well act badly.
When I was 14 my mom and I moved to California from Nebraska to be by her parents. Praise God for that because from then on my grandma was a very strong and very positive influence in my life. She helped me see that I needed to do better and that God had a great plan for my life, despite what happened to me. I felt like she really believed in me, that I could do anything and be anything. So I did. I went on a mission's trip at 14 to India. I joined all the leadership teams at my church. I was in tons of AP classes in high school and a debate club and choir and basketball. I did everything I could do. I love a quote I heard once, "The most reprobate sinners become the most devout saints." I think it's because the energy you put into being bad you then put into doing good and helping others.
Then I went to Biola for college, a private Christian school. I kind of had the wind taken out of my sails there. I think I felt less than the other kids who all seemed to come from perfect families. I felt kind of like the black sheep there all four years. I also had lots of anxiety about what people thought of me and my grades. But I did learn a ton about the Bible and God there and I praise God for that.
After college I mostly worked at jobs helping kids. I felt like my calling in life was to help other kids have a really happy childhood since I didn't. I have heard "Your greatest ministry comes from your greatest pain." My greatest pain was that most of my young life was not happy at all, so I wanted to create happiness for as many kids as I could. I ran games at summer camps, tried teaching and did lots of tutoring. I tried to encourage as many kids as I could, like my grandma always had encouraged me.
At 25 I met a wonderful Christian guy. We got engaged, but when I was 27 he died due to drinking while on to many prescriptions. That started a war inside me kind of against prescription drugs and doctors. That time of grieving over his death was a very, very hard time for me. I never questioned my faith though. I only pressed harder into God in that time and started writing in my new blog a ton. His death made me realize even more how little time we all have, and that I could die any day. I felt all the more that I needed to start doing as much as I could to help others and change the world, as much as I could.
When I was 28 I met my ex-husband online. We had two little girls who were total angels. We divorced 5 years ago due to his mental health problems. He may have just had Schizophrenia. To me it seemed that demons were pestering him in his mind. Whatever it was, I could not handle living with him anymore. I didn't have enough patience to deal with his accusations. One of his delusions was he thought I was cheating on him. I wasn't, but no matter what I said, he was sure that I was. It was impossible to reason with him. Overall, I did not want to live with him anymore, also due to his ongoing involvement in Charismania. I felt that type of church was full of witchcraft and as a result, I felt like it caused him to become possessed.
About 9 years ago I started making something I call "Jesus Packets" that have bracelets, candy and a Bible tract. I think my motivation for those is that if I can't save my dad, maybe I can help to save many others. I think I have made about 8,000 of those so far. Hopefully those are making a difference. My goal in life has always been to push away the darkness as much as I can and shine as much light in this world as I can in any way I can, through music or making craft things or my blog writing. Hopefully God has taken every effort I have made and multiplied it's effects like Jesus did with the bread and the fish.
About 2 years ago I met my current sweetie. We just had a sweet baby boy named James. I am very much loving my second chance at a family. We both went to Christian school for a while growing up. We feel like a great match and God willing, we will stay together forever. He is very kind. He likes to drink a bit more then I want him to, but it is best to give others freedom, I have learned. Please pray he is more careful with his drinking.
If you have never prayed to receive the free gift of Jesus' salvation, say this prayer, "God thank you for sending Jesus to die for me. Holy Spirit please come into my heart and transform me into the person God wants me to be."
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