A Much Needed Break

 If any of you are wondering why I am not working for now, it is because I got very tired of doing car repairs, and I hurt my arm badly. Not that I need to explain myself to any of you, but still. I was a pizza delivery driver for 2 years. I suppose God wanted me to take a break so that I could have time to write, and hopefully my writing is helping some of you. 

On my car, I had about 8 different things fixed but it seems there is always something else to fix. My car is old though. It has 212,000 miles on it. I bought it 8 months ago with the high mileage because it is a Toyota and they last forever, but it still feels old. I got new engine mounts on my car but the mechanic must have not put them in right, because now it shakes when going in reverse. It didn't used to do that. So that is annoying. My car radio is fuzzy half the time so it makes driving around in my car frustrating.

 So I am taking a break from pizza delivery, but it is very nice to take a break. Maybe I will go back to it at some point, but I am in no rush to. It is stressful work, and it is very hard on your body. I pulled a tendon in my arm or in my shoulder about 2 months ago. At first I worked through it, but both my arms felt on fire. So I told my bosses I needed a break. Eventually the fire feeling went away in my arms and then my right arm felt numb for awhile. Now my arms are mostly back to normal, but I am still scared to push myself hard for awhile. I had never had such a serious feeling injury that lasted so long. That was scary. It was just from doing too much. I need to accept the fact that I'm getting old. Anyone over 40 will probably roll their eyes, but I'm sure you remember at 36 that you started to feel old too. ;)

I keep telling my bf that I'm an 80 year old woman. I certainly feel like I am half the time. 

What I always dreamed of, was getting to retire and just write all day, so that is basically what I am doing now. Why not retire at age 36? If you can. :) 

I think most people just work because they don't know what else to do. We all need to have something to do. Or maybe it is because they prefer to live alone, so they have to provide for their own place to live. But they still have to see people at work, so they are never totally alone. 

If you need a work break, take it, and hopefully you can afford to do so. It is nice to rest for awhile. 

The Peter Pan Syndrome

 I used to read a lot from the time I was age 18 to 25. That is probably why I write so much now. One thing I read about, in my Christian psychology books that I loved so much, was the Peter Pan Syndrome. That might have been in the book "Women Who Love Too Much." I highly recommend that one. 

This is the sickness of many men who absolutely Refuse to grow up. It frustrates the hell out of the woman they are with. These men want to stay in never never land forever and never grow up. That is why they smoke pot or do other drugs. That is why they like to just lay around all the time when they are home and not help with cleaning the house. That is why they play silly stupid games on their phones. That is why they get drunk, so they are free to act like an idiotic kid again. That is why they are scared to have their own kids. Most guys are Very scared of having kids, because they don't want to grow up. They want to be a kid forever. How can you be a parent if you want to be a kid forever? 

This is probably why so many women get abortions, because the man who got them pregnant doesn't want to grow up yet, but shame on them. If you don't want to grow up, man, then Stop having sex. 

Then there are men who Try to be a man. They try to provide. But they only last for a short time, because they also are not ready to grow up. They want to live at home with their mommies for the rest of their lives, because they don't know how to be a man. But hey, at least they tried. 

I don't sound bitter, do I? I probably do. But this fact of life has bothered me a lot my whole life. My brother was never expected to grow up, but I was from the time I was like 10. Every guy I have been with was babied by their mom to an Extreme which prevented the man from growing up. 

There just aren't very many MEN out there. So many men want to remain little boys for their entire life. They have no idea how to be a man. But it is not entirely their fault. Their dads did not model how to be a man for them. Either their dad was out of the home early on, or he was silent and reclusive and never talked to his son. In either case, the young boy was not trained in any way, shape or form in how to become a man. Moms train their girls how to be women very well. My mom trained me well. But boys now are at such a disadvantage, because their dads refuse to teach them anything. They are left out in the cold to figure it out for themselves. 

So ladies, don't be too hard on your partner. If he isn't a man, just get mad at his dad, not him. He was never taught how to be a man. Shame on his dad. Lots and lots of shame on him. 

Ok I have said enough. May God bless you all. :)

Stifling

 No one wants to be stifled by another, or emotionally suffocated. This happens when someone depends on another person to meet every need they have. When they don't have a hobby or anything else to do outside the relationship. Most people have jobs that consume their time and energy, but then that is why they have no room for a relationship. 

Ladies, it is good to have a side hobby or a part time job, but not something that will make you forget your mate. In any relationship, you want to need the other person but not too much. We all like to be needed a little bit, but not too much. Women who work all the time and make plenty of their own money intimidate men, because they realize she doesn't really need him. 

If we aren't needed at all, we loose interest, because we all want someone who needs us at least a little. But if they need us too much, we are overwhelmed and want to run away. A guy friend told me, "Men are like bunnies. They run away from anyone running quickly in their direction." 

If you need someone to buy you every meal you eat, they will get annoyed. But if you need them to buy you a meal just once in awhile, they will like that. If they are the only person you have to talk to, they will get annoyed. But if you just need to talk every once in a while, they will like that. 

We all only have so much to give. Some people can give more then others, or are willing to give more then others, but no one is willing to give everything to you. Learn to be content with what you can get from them. 

A lot of relationships end because one person feels that the other person isn't giving enough. They are dissatisfied and discontent. 

This is why cheating happens. People chase others hoping that they will give them more, but what if they don't? What if they give you even less? Then you should have just stayed where you were right? 

No matter who you chase after, only God can meet all your needs. Look to him first, before you look to anyone else. Then you won't stifle anyone. :) God bless. 

One Night Stands

 I figured out why it's called a one night stand. Because after the deed is done, they stand up to leave, instead of laying down next to you forever. :(  

I said in my last blog it's ok to have a few one night stands, if you are single, but they are not always fun. You will most likely get your heart broken every single time. They might come back a second or third time, but that will most likely be it. 

One night stands are kind of like going on a roller coaster. You feel jittery beforehand, anticipating what it will be like. What will you talk about? How do they like to have sex? Then afterwards you are either happy that your expectations were exceeded, or you are very disappointed and you want them to leave quickly. If they did make you happy that day, it doesn't matter, if they decide that you did not please them, and they want nothing more to do with you. 

Love is tricky. It is a very rare thing that you will like someone and they will like you just as much back. That almost never happens. When it does, hold on to them, because you should know such things are not common. 

Excess

 All things in moderation. The Bible says we are not to be mastered by anything. "All things are permissible to me but I will not be mastered by anything." You can have one drink, you can even have one cigarette a day. You can have a few one night stands, if you are single. You can gamble occasionally. You can watch movies that are somewhat worldly. But the key is to not do any of that in excess. Don't let any of those things master you. Don't become a slave to any of those things. Don't let them rule you. Only God is to be your master. Only God can be your God, not alcohol or sex or any kind of pleasure. God never says in the Bible, "Don't ever have fun." He just says don't get lost in revelry. Keep your mind about you. As in, don't let your mind slip when you get in the world. Keep your faith. Keep your relationship with God. You can have fun, but don't forget about God when you have fun. Know that he is always there, watching you. You cannot go anywhere where he is not. It doesn't matter what others say about you, but it does matter what God says about you. "If anyone loves the world or anything in the world, the love of the father is not in him." I think the best word for this would be obsession, and love is obsession, at times. If you are obsessed with anything in the world, you cannot say you are a Christian. If you are obsessed with money, or sex, or being drunk, or being high, or pets even, or your car or house, or your job, or your kids, or your spouse, or your parents etc. If you are obsessed with anything besides God that is what he does NOT like. Only be obsessed with God, and your life will always go great. God bless!

Death

I think if we were all honest with ourselves, we would all want to die. When we hurt others, we think they would be better off without us. We start to think, maybe the whole world would be better off without me. The appeal of heaven. The bleakness of earth. Why wouldn't we all wish for death at times? But to want to die is selfish. It is saying that you don't care about anyone's life who could benefit from yours anymore. That is what keeps us alive isn't it? We all stay alive because we hope to help others in the future, in some way. That is the reason for living, to love God and to love others. To love God By loving others. To want to be done with life is to say, "I don't need to pay you back anymore God, for creating me, or giving me all that you have, or for Jesus dying for me. I have done enough. I don't owe you anything else." But we all know, deep down, that we have Never done enough to pay God back. He keeps us alive so that we can keep paying him back, essentially. Lol he just told me he keeps us alive so that he can keep watching us, because we are so cute! Sure....haha jk, that is cute God. :) God says, "Don't give up. I know your life is hard, but press on. It will be worth it in the end. The more you do for others, the greater your reward will be in heaven. Keep being good. Keep helping others. Don't wish for death. You all have so much to offer others. Keep going. I am with you always, even to the end of the age." May God bless you. :) Thank you for reading!

To My Mom

Thank you most of all for raising me in church 

For teaching me to respect and honor God

Nothing else anyone has done has benefitted me as much as that

I always looked up to you

I always saw you as the strongest person I had ever known

And the smartest and the most resilient 

You could have given up on life so many times

But you never did

I wish we could have spent more time together

Throughout our lives

But we are both very reclusive and shy, it seems

I hope you know how much I respect you

And how grateful I am to you for raising me well

Thank you for all your training

I appreciate you and I love you. 

To My Daughters

 I did the best that I could with you

I hope I gave you both lots of happy memories

Of your early part of life

I am sorry I can't be there for you your whole life

I needed room to breath

I needed space from the craziness

I think about you two all the time and I pray for you

Maybe someday we will hang out again

And play monopoly or checkers

I know you two will always be kind and smart

I am not worried about you 

I know God is with you

I am proud of you both for being strong in this time

I love you both very, very much

Questions for God

 God do you think Elaine should move out of my house? Probably. 

Do you think Kim should stay here forever? As long as she wants to, maybe rent free. hm....Why rent free? Cuz she's stressed over money. Ok. Do you think Eric will pay the water and electric? Soon probably.

If I work again where do you want me to work? Maybe Domonio's. 

How long do you want me to be with Eric? Forever, cuz u make each other very happy. ok cool :)  Do you think he will take me out to eat more? Maybe every night, if he wins a lot in Vegas. Yay....yay....

Do you want me and Eric to go to church? Nah. Just watch it on Youtube. 

What do you want me to do with the rest of my life? Inspire people. Cool. Yep. 

Do you want me to make a baby with Eric? Too much stress. Just have fun. Ok cool. Yep. 

Will Eric ever get the window fixed on his car? Never.....aye carumba. 

What would make you the most proud of me? I am already proud of you. Sweet! haha ur so cute. :) Thanks!

God I'm not sure what to do with the rest of my life. Just watch movies. Why just that? Cuz the world might end soon and then you won't be stressed. Ok. 

Is everyone I know going to heaven? Everyone but Ben. Why not him? Because he is a jerk for keeping your kids from you. Yes he is. 

God do you want me to ever live with my mom again? She is toxic. Stay away from her. I don't like her. 

Do you want me to live with my brother? Maybe. He is a fun guy.

How much longer can I have my house for free? Forever. I'll work it out. 

Does watching movies make me a better person? It makes you more calm, cuz it gives you something else to focus on besides how crazy your life has been. Yes that's true. 

Will I ever see my dad again? You won't need to. Eric will take care of you.

Do you approve of the way I am living my life right now? Of course, you do everything I tell you to do. Good job. I couldn't be prouder of you.

Why did you let me have 2 lesbians move in? So they would be safe around Eric, like they wouldn't steal him. Ok. But it's awkward. I know. But you want Kim to stay right? As long as she pays rent yeah. Ok. And Elaine should leave? Just cuz she conflicts with people so much. Yeah. And you're tired of sharing a wall with someone. Yep. 

Is there any reason why Elaine should not move out? Just cuz you feel bad for her about where she will go, but I'll take care of her. Don't worry. Am I going to regret having Elaine leave? No not one bit. Your house will feel more peaceful. Maybe you can make bracelets again. Yeah true. lol. I'm tired of hiding in my room. I know. 

Should I move my TV back the way it was. Embrace the change. Ok. :)

Do you want me to ever go to Vegas with Eric? That place is bad. You know that. Yes I do. 

Do you want me to try visiting Joy and Serenity? It would be too hard. Just stay here. Ok. 

Do you want me to go back to Papa John's? Your car is pretty much done driving around. Ok. But I just fixed all that stuff. But it's still old. :( Wah.....I know. Do you want me to be an in store there? Only if Liz leaves. Ok. Do you want me to be an in store at Dominos? It would be awkward. Just take care of Eric. He is the only one who deserves your time. Ok. 

Do you want me to go to Walmart today? Stay away from there. awe why....Cuz ur broke, or kind of. Ok. 

Maybe I should try babysitting? Um....If ur bored, sure. 

You no want me to be a delivery driver anymore? Too stressful. Just take care of Eric. Ok I can do that. :)  I know you can. Weee....

Sad Marriages

 It seems that every woman in my family has married a man with a sexual problem, a lying problem and an abusive problem. I just watched Titanic again and I love when the mom says to her daughter, "We are women. Our choices are never easy." All women have to either make it on their own and provide for themselves, which is harder for women then men, or they have to stick with a man who probably doesn't deserve to be stuck with. They probably have to endure some verbal abuse, because most men don't fully respect women. They have to endure some disdain and hate, but men have to endure that from women too. Most women in my family were also in marriages that were lacking in real love. They were more like room mates with their spouse. There wasn't much passion or yearning for each other. They just tolerated barely liking who they were with. I always found that very sad. My plan was to either be with someone I was head over heels for or just stay single. I have mostly accomplish that goal throughout my life, so that was nice. But from a distance, I have never seen a happy marriage. With every married couple I've seen, they barely like each other. I have been blessed to really, truly be in love with most of the guys I have been with. Love is risky, but it is worth it. Go fall in love with someone, and hopefully they are worthy. 

My Mom's Struggle

 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." This was always my mom's favorite Bible verse. The back story is powerful. My mom attempted suicide about 7 times. She has had an extremely hard life. She married a man who molested both her kids. He cheated on her with a prostitute. He had a drinking problem, but she had thought she married "a man of God." Boy was she mistaken, but she clung to this verse, that she could do All things through Christ who strengthened her. She didn't give up on life. Well she tried to a few times, but God wouldn't let her. God knew she needed to stay alive for my brother and I, so he kept her going. If she didn't have God, and church, she probably wouldn't be alive today, and she definitely wouldn't be as sane as she is today. When we are floundering in the water, God reaches his hand down and helps us out of the water. If you feel like you are drowning, reach up. God's hand will always be there to pull you up. :)

Hormonal

 First off, men you should know women have a terrible hormone roller coaster about one full week of every month. We try to not let that affect us, but it is almost impossible. Hormone changes are almost as bad as being on a drug. You don't know why you feel different, but you know you definitely do. Women either get a dump of testosterone, which is why we like to fight when PMS'ing at times. We really need to go for a bike ride or have wild sex when feeling like that. That would help. Or we get estrogen dumps; that is when we seem to sleep all day and all night. It is amazing how much we can sleep when our estrogen is high. In general women need more sleep then men. So men, cut your lady some slack if she seems to sleep a lot more then you. It is just because she is a woman, and yes, we are weaker. May God bless all you ladies out there. Hang in there. At least there are no periods in heaven. :)   

Keep Your Freedom

 "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." I have always said that the opposite is also true. Where the spirit of Satan is, there is always control. Any time someone is trying to control you, in a strong way, it is Satanic. Run away if you can. That is a toxic situation, and that person is probably toxic. God wants you to be free. The Bible says that his burden is light. If anyone tries to put a heavy burden on you by stressing you out, that is not from God. God doesn't want you to be miserable. He wants you to be free and happy. If you are not happy, change something in your life so that you can be happy. You are in control of your own happiness. Don't wait for someone else to make you happy. Make yourself happy. We are the most happy when we are free. People get depressed when they feel stuck, when they think they are not in control of their own lives. You are in control of your own life. You can make your own decisions. Don't let other people try to control you. Let yourself be happy, whatever that means doing for you. You might have controlling dictators in your life. Let yourself be free of them. Not every person is a dictator. You might think you will have to deal with that with everyone, but that is not true. Let yourself be free from the dictators so that you can be around nicer people. May God bless you. :)

History Repeats

 Three years ago I was living in my house with my husband and our two daughters. Now I am still here but with my bf and two girl room mates. That is very interesting because it is like getting to live with my two daughters all grown up. Elaine reminds me a lot of my oldest daughter Serenity. Both are very loud, A type personalities and very dominant. Kim is like my youngest daughter Joy, very agreeable and calm and quiet. My bf is a lot like my ex husband in how sweet he is, but they both have a bit of a temper problem. I realized today that Elaine also reminds me of my ex mother in law a lot, in the sense that she can be very rude and she doesn't realize how rude she is. Kim is a lot like my ex husband in her struggle with homosexuality. I always knew my husband struggled with that. When I met him 9 years ago he said Satan was always telling him he was gay. I was thinking, "That's odd. Satan never tells me that." That issue was very stressful for me my whole marriage to him. In regards to money, my bf is very much like my mom in how frugal they both are. My mom never spoiled me in any way, shape or form. She made sure my basic needs were met of food and a place to live of course, but she never got me anything extra. My bf is very much the same way. Maybe someday he will spoil me, but I guess it's good I'm not used to being spoiled. :) 

Keep Your Roots

 If you loose your roots, you will die. We had a crazy rain storm last night and one of my trees broke in half. I replanted the tree so it is like a half tree now. :) But I am wondering how long it will stay alive without being attached to the roots. Maybe it will grow new roots. That would be cool. It made me think how badly we as humans need to keep our roots. A great verse says, "Train up a child in the ways of the Lord and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Storms come along and try to break us off of our roots. The world gets IN us and we start to forget where we came from. Maybe you were raised in church, but you have forgotten it all. I was just thinking how I used to worship in church, closing my eyes and raising my hands. I haven't done that in about 3 years. I miss that. I have been out in the world for so long, it is like I forgot. So many bad things have happened to me and I have seen so much evil, that it has made me forget my roots at times. I need to remember how important my roots are, so that I won't break away from them too much and die. Young trees have support braces so that they can stand up strong. I cut those braces off of my tree awhile ago. I guess I thought it didn't need them anymore, but that is why the tree broke in half. We need support braces too, people who are there for us.  Stay connected to your roots and get strong people to help support you, so you can stand strong. 

Hypocrites

 My first bf said it's amazing that I stayed in church my whole life considering how big of a hypocrite my dad was. He was a worship leader at our church, but the whole time he was molesting me. For some reason, that hypocrisy didn't bother me so much, maybe because I was just a kid. What really bothered me was recently having to deal with my step-dad sexually molesting my daughter who was only 5. I was around my step dad for 17 years. I went to church with him and my mom countless times. I knew he donated tons of money to charities. He "seemed" like a perfect Christian. And then that happened. I think ever since then I have lost my faith a little bit, or I have lost my desire to try to be good. I started to think, "What's the point? None of the other Christians are trying to be good at all, so why should I?" So then I had a few wild streaks. After my ex left I slept around for a month. I am very lucky I didn't get randomly pregnant. After I broke up with my bf I went wild again. He called me out on it, like how hypocritical it was, which is ironic because he isn't even Christian, but he is Jewish, so that counts for something. :) But I just stopped caring. I always saw my step-dad as a strong oak tree, a beacon of Christian purity and sobriety, an even tempered saint who could do no wrong. Then he messed with my daughter and it wrecked me, but people are just people. They will mess up a lot, but keep running pure. In the end, it will be worth it. 

To My Car

 I love you so much, my little Toyota Echo

Even though you are old, I still think you're super cute

You have helped me remember the good old days

When I was young and hot and had more fun

When I would cruise up and down PCH

That super cool highway along the CA coast

I took your twin car to CO and Oregon and Nebraska

We went everywhere together

We had so many adventures

I used to put my bike on the back

And go riding all over the place

All of my happiest memories were in that car

Thank you for helping me remember

My cute, little Toyota Echo.

To my House

 I have so many haunting memories here

Of when I was a mom

When my life was totally different

Like seasons in a year, this house has seen so many changes

A hundred different life stages have happened in this house

My family began here

My empty nest time began here

If these walls could talk

They would recount the yelling, fighting, sadness, the depression

All the emotions I have felt here

The insanity, the victories, the happy family times

The wild sexual adventures, the sacred times with God

So much has happened here, so many memories

I hope to be with you forever, my house, I love you.

Early Maturity

 I felt like I was almost forced to be a wife at the age of 6. It felt like I became a widow at age 28. And at age 34, I become an empty nester. I knew God let me experience feeling like a widow so that I could understand people who loose their greatest love. It seems that I have experienced every sad thing there is to experience, but what has it gotten me? A softer heart. More compassion. A greater desire to help others get through their hard times. Life sucks, A LOT, sometimes, but I have learned that the phrase "this too shall pass" is very true. Painful times hurt a Lot at first, but the sting wears off eventually. Tragedies increase our faith in ourselves, that if we got through that, we can get through anything! I am a survivor. I have taken the most hits that a person can take in life, but I'm still standing. I didn't let any of that end me. I decided to keep running. I made a promise to myself as a kid, when I saw my mom wallowing in her depression, that I was never going to give up on life like that. I was going to always stay strong. No matter what happened to me, I was going to serve God and love others and be a light to the world. Satan has tried to pin me down to the ground several times, but I am always determined to get back up and keep running. You can't keep me down for long Satan. I know you keep trying to but f....you. I will run for God no matter what you do to me. I am undefeatable!

To Satan

 You thought you got to me when I was a kid, didn't you?

You thought I wouldn't go on, that I couldn't go on 

To be all that I could be

You were scared of me, weren't you?

So you tried to take me out early on

You tried to silence me

Make me feel insecure, like I was dirt

You tried to beat me down

But I'm still standing, I'm still running

You can't keep me down for long

I'll always come back, I'll always be strong

No matter what you try to do to me

So you might as well stop trying

Your attempts to destroy me are worthless.

Emotional

 I just had an epiphany. My bf and I have broken up so much because we are both so dang emotional. It is ironic though, because with my last bf there was almost no emotion. We felt more like brother and sister, or calm friends. He actually was the most stoic and unfeeling person I had ever been around. That was probably why he was divorced 3 times, because it seemed impossible for him to truly love anyone other then himself. Then when I met Eric, there was lots of emotion. Maybe I was tired of being dead for so long and I finally wanted to really feel something. From the beginning, it was super hot and spicy with him. I poured my heart out to him like I never have to anyone, because I could tell that he really actually cared about me. We had an instant tight bond. There was an instant deep love connection. Maybe that deep love has scared us both several times, so either he ran away or I pushed him away. It can be scary to feel Really close to someone. The closer you are to someone, the more they can hurt you. So we like to hide, don't we? We all prefer to hide, because it's easier. Either we get in or stay in relationships that are dull and lifeless, on purpose, or we run away from any powerful, close connections that we find, because we are scared. Like how fire can be amazing and powerful but also scary, deep love is the same way. But hey, don't be scared of deep love. Embrace it. Crave it. Get it, and keep it. :)

To Rolex, the Cat

 I am jealous of you, cat

You always seemed like "the other woman"

My bf would rather cuddle with you then me

I know you are cuter 

But it's not fair

I suppose it helps that you can't talk

So you have never insulted him

That must be why he likes you so much

Maybe if I stop talking 

He would love me as much as you

And if I stop shaving my legs

I could be as fuzzy as you

Then maybe he will love me more then you

Haha. I would win!

To Eric, My Lover

 No one has made me laugh as much as you

Never have I had as much fun with a guy as with you

No guy has broken my heart as much as you either

You little heartbreaker

But I know you are worth it

You are my best friend

And I think you always will be

You are the most witty guy I have ever known

Did you know?

You have had my whole heart from day one

We haven't always been totally nice to each other

But things will get better

I love you mucho mucho

I am all yours, and only yours, forever my love

The Rollercoaster of Love

 You never know what will happen when you love someone. People are free agents. They can choose to do whatever they wish to do. We are not robots and we cannot make anyone else become a robot. The more you love someone, the more freedom you will give them to do what they want to do. You will want them to be happy, more then just be with you. If being with you makes them happy, then that is the best place for them. But if they are not happy anymore, it is good to let them be free to be alone or to be with someone else. 

I remember this concept was used in sermons a lot to explain why God gave us free will. Pastors would say that God gave us free will so that when we choose to love him, it would mean more, because we can choose to not love him. 

When someone chooses to love you when they don't have to, it means a lot more. Some people manipulate others to be with them or to stay with them, but that is not really love. It is control. Love is not about control. Love only grows in freedom. 

If you have to force someone to love you or to stay with you, they don't love you. 

When I worked with kids I read a great quote, "If you don't have control, you become controlling." If you loose your confidence that you deserve for your person to love you, you might try to demand it, but that never works. If love cannot flow freely, it will not grow. 

So give those you love the freedom to do what they want. You enjoy being free. Let them be free too. 

Choose Love, Not Money

If my mom had chosen love instead of money, she probably wouldn't have married my step-dad, and then he would never have molested my daughter, and then my family would have never broken up. The source of my family ending was the choice that my mom made in the man she married. And she married him for his money. 

A lot of women marry for money, and all the stupid rich men out there get suckered into being with them. It seems like a good idea at first, but no one will really be happy if the relationship exists just because of money. If there is no love for each other, the relationship won't last long, or it will be a miserable relationship. 

The amount of hours you work shows if you are choosing money over love. Do you love to make money or do you love your spouse? The more hours you work, the less it seems like you love your spouse. If you don't really need the money, why are you working so much? Are you hiding from your spouse?

Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. And where your time goes, there your heart will be also. If you want your heart to stay with your spouse, spend the majority of your time with them. You will be happy that you did. God bless. :)

The Love of Money Is...

 The source of all evil. 

Every guy I have been with was sadly obsessed with money.  They were all a Mr. Scrooge when it came to money.  The only guy I knew who didn't seem to care about money was my first bf Roger, but that was probably because he was raised in church, saved at the age of 4, and so he loved God his whole life instead of money.  But for every other guy I have been close to, money was their idol and their God.  They would not have admitted it, but it was obvious to me.  Money was all they thought about, and mostly all that they talked about.  

Every guy I was with wanted to limit how much money I spent, because they were always worried about money.  I also felt like they all just wanted me to be their donkey money making mule.  If they could have busted out a whip on me and said, "Work more slave.  Go make me more money!"  They probably would have.  That honestly can be how some women treat their husbands, "Go make me more money honey."  But it was the opposite with me and my boyfriends.  I think they all realized how smart I was and how much potential I had, so they wanted to liquidate the asset of me, so to speak.  They all wanted to see how much money I could bring them. I suppose they were all more like a pimp then a lover.  

I have always been gifted in making relatively good money.  I have a very quick brain and a great personality, so any job I have had came easy to me.  Promotion and more hours at work have always come easy to me.  I have never had a hard time finding a job or keeping a job.  Every single job I have applied for, I have gotten easily.  I have never in my life been unable to make money.  That is why I have never cared about saving money, which irritated most guys I was with. I have been very blessed in my jobs, for sure.  

But these guys I have been with, they always seemed to be so worried about the future, so they wanted to save and get as much money as they could.  I have now realized that people only save money when they plan on being Lazy in the future.  Personally, I don't plan on ever being lazy.  I honestly don't plan on ever retiring either.  There will always be some work that I can do.

Most guys I have known hated their job, which is probably why they always wanted to save.  They couldn't Wait to retire.  My ex husband used to talk about retiring about once every week.  I would respond with, "Um...you are only 35.  You have 30 more years of working before you can retire.  My goodness."  

God created work.  Work being harder was part of the curse, but God always meant for human beings to work.  What else would we do with our time if we didn't work?  We would be bored and would probably go crazy.  All people need work to do.  No matter what age you are or what stage in life you are in, there is some work that God has for you to do.  So do it.  And don't be lazy. :)

If you have an issue with worshipping money, just decide not to.  Choose to see money as a tool, not as a god.  Money can meet your needs, but mainly it is God who meets your needs.  Depend on God, not money.  Love God, not money.  God bless. :)

My Boyfriend

I have loved my boyfriend a lot from the first day we met. I could tell right away that he was a good guy, that he would be dependable and kind.  I love how tall he is and that he loves music and movies as much as I do. He seemed very closed off to love at first, because he had been hurt in many ways by his ex gf. I always felt he was a bit of a chauvinist, but every guy I have known has been.  That is probably just because most guys have a lot of anger at women for all they have put them through. 

Overall though, he is the kind of guy that I wish I would have known my whole life, and I hope that I will know him for the rest of my life.  He is responsible, kind and hard working.  Sometimes, he has the sweetest heart ever.  He can be very social at times, but other times he is so quiet, and it is so cute!  I had never met a guy like him, as gentle and kind as he is.  I have always been able to tell he has the kindest heart of anyone I've ever known. He is the sweetest guy I had ever met.  I think that he himself doesn't even realize how much he loves me. Or if he does, I think it scares him.  He probably never realized a woman could have his heart as much as I seem to.  I never knew a guy could have so much of my heart either.  It could be said that he is the first guy in my life that I have truly loved 100%. 

I have broken up with about 3 times, because I was stupid, but I still thought about him 24/7.  I always wondered what he was doing and what he was thinking about.  Lately he has been wanting to go on Vegas trips.  It is hard not getting to see him every day when he goes.  

There seems to be this electric connection we have. I don't know if he feels it, but I do every time we talk.  We mostly just watch movies together. Maybe we don't talk more because we are afraid of saying something that will hurt the other person's feelings. The way he looks at me sometimes, it is like his is looking into my soul.  I had never had someone look at me like that. 

There have only been 3 guys in my life that I loved like crazy the whole time I was with them; Roger, who sadly died when I was 27, Josh, who went to jail a year ago for 5 months, and Eric. I love him so much it is crazy how much I love him.  

The problem when you love someone so much is you start to get controlling.  You care about them a lot, so you want to solve every problem in their life, but some problems are unsolvable, and that can be very frustrating when you love someone a lot.  That was partly why I kept breaking up with him, because I didn't know what to do about the many problems in his life.  The main issue was he was still in love with his ex gf, which I never understood because, to me, she wasn't even pretty.  But I'm sure she had a good presonality.  

Eric and I have had a lot of fun the past 11 months, swimming and watching movies.  He is the smartest guy I had ever been with.  He knows he is smart too though, which makes him a bit arrogant. He is the only guy I've been with that got straight A's in school like me.  We both played basketball on teams for 10 years. He is so cool! 

Who knows what will happen in the future, but I hope I will always get to keep my prince. God bless. :)

To Have or Not to Have Babies

 Most people have no idea what they want in regards to making babies. Probably over half of us exist because of an, "Oops. I came inside you." "What the heck." "Sorry." "You better be ready to be a daddy."

No matter who you are with or who you love, it is a hard decision to make.  It really is a way of gambling on the future, because you have no idea what will happen. It takes faith to have a baby, a lot of faith.  You never know if things will work out with someone. It is always a risk.  For sure it makes sense to have cold feet  after having children with someone and that not working out.  Then it is easy to think, "Why try again?  What if my attempt at a family doesn't work out again?"  

But all things in life are like that.  Why try to have friends when it might only be temporary?  Because you got the joy of having that friendship for a time.  Why try any job when you could be fired at any time?  Because you enjoyed having that job for awhile.  Why make children with someone when you might not get to see them much in the future?  Because you enjoyed having those children around for as long as you did.  Any parenting is temporary anyways.  It should only last for 18 years. At least it is supposed to. 

My kid story is sad.  I never wanted to be a single mom, so that's why I let my ex husband and his parents have our daughters.  My greatest fear my whole life was becoming a single mom.  My mom was a single mom for about 7 years and I could tell she was miserable the whole time.  She had to carry the weight of providing for me and my brother and herself for so long.  She was so strong though, to do that. I always admired her for that.  She has told me that I could do the same with my daughters.  I guess I just don't have faith that it could work out, that I would have enough money.  "According to your faith it will be done to you." Some have the faith to do that, and others don't. 

Having kids to care for in our modern world is so hard.  I suppose it has always been hard, but the expense of everything now is so high.  And the world is so evil now. It is hard to keep kids safe all the time. 

I remember I was at a conference at a church one Saturday.  It was on evil spirits and they were trying to set people free of evil spirits.  The spirit of fear was the next one.  A guy got up and said, "Someone here has a fear that something bad might happen to their children."  At the time I was 7 months pregnant with my first daughter. I started crying a lot.  I knew he was talking about me.  A lady came and prayed with me and I felt more peace about my fears. 

When you have children, you never know what will happen.  But if you worry excessively about anything, you will never really live life.  Your fear will paralyze you. You could be agoraphobic and never leave your house, but then you don't really live life.  You could have a fear of driving a car, but then you would never feel the joy of driving. You could have a fear of becoming a parent, but then you would never feel the joy of being a parent.  

Not all things in life last forever, but at least you can experience something for a time.  It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. Just because a thing might end, that does not mean you should not try it.  

So many people prefer to play it safe, so they never fall in love, never have kids, they never do anything.  It seems that most of life is either risky and fun, or safe and boring.  Both sides can be appealing.  Having peace and quiet is nice, but boring. Having fun can be scary, but that is what makes it fun. 

May God give you wisdom in all your decisions. God bless!

Fear Sucks

 I have struggled with fear my whole life.  This is partly because I was sexually molested as a child. I remember as a kid in school I never wanted to raise my hand or speak up in class.  I never wanted to put myself out there.  I was very shy, quiet, and reserved.  I did not have much confidence in myself, even though I was a very smart kid.  But I was very insecure.  Whenever I had to get up to give a presentation I would get so nervous.  I suppose I have always cared too much what people thought of me.  I said something to my ex husband that has helped me a lot too, "Don't worry what people are thinking about you.  Most people aren't thinking about you because they are too busy thinking about themselves."  The older I have gotten, the more I have realized that is very true. Most people are just thinking about themselves and not about you, so there is no need to worry. 

My fear may have been there from a young age because I got more attention then I wanted as a child. My teachers always knew that I knew the right answer so they would call on me a lot.  I think I experienced jealousy from my peers because I was so smart, so I didn't want everyone to know I was smart. I was afraid of how smart I was, and I tried to hide it. I read in a book that we aren't afraid that we are nothing; we afraid that we are something, because to shine is very vulnerable.  When you are average, you don't really stand out.  But if you are excellent at something, you are noticed, and that can feel awkward.  It is easier to blend in with everyone else.  It feels more comfortable.  So we often hide our talents, mainly because we don't want to be attacked when people are jealous of us. We become fearful of others and so we hide.  

People can be so cruel.  If you are better or worse then them in anything, they will criticize you.  The reason for this is that we all fear what we don't understand.  When someone is different from us in any way, it is easy to be critical.  We want everyone to be like us, and when they aren't, we want to make them just like us.  The older we get, the more we give people freedom to be themselves and do what they want to do.  Often times people say they are being loving when they are being controlling and critical but no, they are just being controlling and critical.  If you love someone, you let them be who they want to be and do what they want to do.  You give them freedom. 

This often makes people afraid to fall in love, because they think the person they love will just control them.  There is an element to this that can be good.  We can help each other rise higher and be all that we can be.  "As iron sharpens iron so one friend sharpens another." But it can get ugly when we don't accept the other person at all.  Love tries to make others better, but it is never good to force someone else to be better.  There has to be a balance of acceptance and challenging someone to be better. 

It is easy to let fear stop you from many things in life.  Fear can be crippling.  It can make you never want to try anything because of past experiences.  But I say, go ahead and jump off the high dive.  Believe in yourself. Believe in others again.  Put yourself out there.  "Whoever wants to save his life will loose it, but whoever looses his life for my sake will find it."  The more you try to preserve your life and play it safe, the more you loose.  But the more you put yourself out there and take risks, the more you will really Live life.  May God bless you!  Now go do something fun. :)

Stress Sucks

 It is almost impossible to have a great relationship with someone if there is a lot of stress.  Some people seem to be stress addicts and they Love stress.  I have never understood that. There are ways to not stress yourself out, simply by not worrying and not picking fights with others. Some people purposely pick fights with others because they love the stress of fighting, because they are bored.  In my family there seemed to be an addiction to anger, perhaps because feeling angry feels better then feeling depressed.  In my ex husband's family there was an addiction to stress and worry. Why? Both worry and anger are energizing feelings.  Personally I prefer to get my energy from coffee rather then stressing out or anger. :)

In regards to stress, there was almost non stop stress in my 7 year marriage to my ex husband.  From the first month we were together we debated about what I have always called "Charismania."  He was into the gift of tongues more then I was.  He was into getting slain in the spirit.  I thought both things were totally ridiculous.  I now have the gift of tongues but I still don't really see the point to it.  I would rather use my gift of teaching, which is why I write.  But we would debate over the supernatural side of Christianity almost constantly.  So that brought in tons of stress in our marriage.  He wanted to convince me that the supernatural things were  important.  I didn't think they were.  Finally he settled on the verse for me, "Blessed are those who have not seen and still believe."  I have never had a supernatural experience and I don't care if I ever do.  I don't Need that to believe in God.  Some people needs things like that, other people don't.  

Also in regards to stress we had some odd bug infestation issue that lasted about 3 years.  We had to get rid of all our furniture.  I kept needing to buy new clothes and new sheets and new blankets.  These bugs were called "no see ums" because you Can't see them.  That was extremely stressful because I couldn't kill them and get rid of them since I couldn't see them.  We had gone on a Carribean cruise and the bugs must have come back with us. They were everywhere in our apartments, for 3 years.  It was insane.  And we moved 6 times in that time period.  I told my ex and my mom that if anything in my life would have made me suicidal that almost did. 

After the bug issue finally was over, then we had money stress, which most couples go through.  The pay for my ex's job was very inconsistent.  Things kept happening that prevented him from making more money.  He was a fuel truck driver and his company truck would break down all the time.  It was very, very frustrating.  So we were always tight on money.  This caused him to not be able to sleep much.  The less he slept, the more he messed up at work and so it was a catch 22 never ending cycle.  Eventually his sleep deprivation made him go literally insane, and that is when we broke up.  I literally was afraid he might kill me, so I had him go live with his parents.  

After all that, it is no wonder that we didn't make it and we divorced.  It was way too much stress.  

With my other relationships there was tons of stress.  One guy had a son with tons of health issues.  That was incredibly stressful.  Another guy I was with simply would not eat much, because he was a picky eater, so that stressed us both out.  Another guy was heavily controlled by his parents, and that was stressful for both of us. Another guy had a possibly demonically possessed ex wife that he had kids with, so that was always stressful for us.  

This is all why Paul says, "Those who marry will face many troubles in this life and I wish to spare you of this."  When you yoke up with someone, their problems become your problems.  Their life becomes your life.  Sure life can be boring when you are single and living alone, but at least you have a Lot less stress.  You can control your own life; how much you eat or sleep, how much you let your parents control you etc.  But you can't control much about another person's life.  If they choose to not eat, you can't do anything about it.  If they can't sleep, you can't do much about it.  If they choose to let their parents dictate their life, there is nothing you can do.  You can try to make suggestions but the suggestions almost never work.  You can't change a person.  Most people will be the way they always have been. 

And so my conclusion on the matter is Stay Single, if you are single.  You will have a Much easier life.  God bless!

Cheaters Suck

 If you can't trust someone, you can't be in a relationship with them. If they broke your trust once and cheated, most likely they will again. They cheated for a reason, because they don't really love you, or they can't love you. And if they can't, then why stay together? 

Trust is the number one ingredient to having a good relationship.  Once a person has broken your trust by cheating, it is almost impossible to stay with them. Some people do, but overall it is foolish to do so, because how can you trust them?

Somethings though, we simply Think we can't trust a person because another guy or girl hurt us.  Then if the person you are with does the slightest thing that reminds you of the other person, you don't trust them.  But not all men are the same.  Not all women are the same.  Just because one man or one woman broke your trust by cheating, that doesn't mean all people of the opposite sex will cheat on you.  

It can be hard to trust another person after you have been badly hurt by someone.  Our heart tends to close up and we put walls up to keep everyone else out.  But then you are all alone, and that is sad. 

I think the secondary issue when we are cheated on is we lose faith in ourselves. We think, "Well if I caused that other person to cheat on me, then will I cause this next person to cheat one me too?"  But some people are just scoundrels.  It doesn't matter what you do or how well you love them, they will still cheat.  That is because the issue is with them, not you. 

With other people, it doesn't matter how much you hurt them or "neglect" them, they will never cheat on you, because they are a good person.  They were raised right.  They had good models in their parents.  They fear God. They have a strong inner desire to do the right thing, not because you necessarily deserve it, but because they simply desire to do the right thing. They treat you right, because they know they answer to God. 

It could be said that all people "deserve" to be cheated on at some point. We all mess up and say stupid stuff and do things that deserve cheating.  But still, it is wrong.

 Cheaters love to blame the victim.  They rationalize their cheating in their head and say that the other person caused it. But in a relationship, it should not be about what a person deserves, it is about doing the right thing.  Some people do not care at all about doing the right thing, and that is why they cheat.  

You may have caused the cheating in little ways, by not being perfectly nice to the person etc., but you still did not deserve to be cheated on.  You deserve to be with someone who won't cheat on you.  That is what you deserve.   

People often stay with a cheater because they think that is all they deserve.  They blame themselves.  They think, "Well if I would have given them more sex they wouldn't have cheated" or "If I would have been nicer to them...etc."  It is good to evaluate yourself a little bit.  Why were they not happy with you?  What Did you do?  But ultimately they were the one at fault, because they did the wrong thing.  Even if you did deprive them of sex, they still should not have cheated.  Even if you weren't perfectly nice to them, they still should not have cheated. 

The main issue with a cheater is that they have no fear of God. 

What makes or breaks a person is the degree to which they fear God and want to honor God with their lifestyle.  Their faithfulness should not be contingent on what you do.  It is easy to blame yourself when someone cheats.  You think, "Maybe I was working too much.  Maybe I didn't look hot enough.  Maybe I was not kind enough."  But the problem was mainly with them and not you.  They do not fear God enough.  They do not Listen to God.  They have issues and cannot be faithful to anyone, because they don't respect anyone, because they don't respect God.  If you don't respect God, you will not respect anyone.  If you can't respect yourself, you can't respect anyone else. 

Cheating is an issue of respect.  So many men do not respect women at all, so they have no problem cheating on their woman.  So many women do not respect men, so they think their man deserves to be cheated on.  Granted your significant other may have acted in a way that caused you to not respect them, but cheating is still wrong.  

People also cheat when they are not satisfied with their person.  If you are not happy with the person you are with, because you are too spoiled and can't be content with them, then move on to the next person.  It is a simple as that. Maybe they don't have the body type that you want.  Maybe there is some addiction they have that bothers you.  Maybe they are addicted to drugs.  There can be legitimate and good reasons why you are not all that attracted to them.  Maybe they are verbally or physically abusive.  If that is the case, just move on to another person, but don't sleep with two people at a time. That is messed up.  

Another big reason for cheating is that the person doesn't want to be alone.  If they break up with the person they are with, they will have to be alone for awhile.  They don't want to leave the relationship they are in until they for sure have another relationship, because they are unable to just be alone with themselves, because they hate themselves.  So they are testing the waters with other people to see if they can find something better.  

It does seem to be a fact of life that most people are only with someone until someone better comes along.  Most people think the grass is greener on the other side.  How can you prevent this problem?  You need to initially find someone that you can be totally satisfied with.  But so many people settle.  They think, "Well this person is good enough."  Simply because they don't want to be alone, so they get with someone, but that is not really the kind of person that they want.  And so they are with them, but not happy, and kind of hoping that someone better will come along.  If you are not satisfied with the person you are with, then don't be with them.  Or you could just get over yourself and your picky perfectionism and decide to love them anyways. 

No one is perfect.  You will not find a perfect person.  We all have flaws.  No one is going to be Everything that you want.  I think God allows this to happen so that we will not idolize anyone.  You have to find that perfect middle ground.  Be satisfied with the person you are with, but don't idolize them. The only perfect being is God.  He is the only entity who is everything that you want and need.  When you try to find someone who is a god, you will always end up dissatisfied, because no one is a god.  No human being is perfect like God.  So give up the search.  Either be alone forever, because you refuse to be satisfied with anyone, or give up your perfectionism and find someone that you can be mostly happy with, and then Stay with them. "What God has joined together let no one separate" unless they cheat on you.  

God loves you!  May God bless you and give you wisdom in your relationships. :)

Rude Renters

 I am trying to get one of my renters out of my house. Ever since she moved in here she has acted like it is her house and not mine. For 3 months she has been very inconsiderate and slams doors all the time. To her maybe it is just shutting a door, but things echo in my house a lot with our tile flooring, so it sounds like doors slamming. She used to slam the front door so hard I thought the wall might crack in half. I don't know why she insists on being so incredibly loud. I put a written note on both sides of the door, "Please close door slowly." She ignored it and still slammed the door. So yesterday, I don't know if I meant to make her mad by doing this, I put her almost spoiled bananas in the fridge and moved her onions to the pantry. I am just tired of looking at them. For 3 months now I have put the stupid onions in the pantry and she keeps putting them back out on the counter, as if they are decoration. They are the ugliest looking thing ever. I think she has been trying to piss me off or try to establish dominance or a way to say this is her house. This is her first time renting a room, obviously. Yesterday she texted me, "Stop moving my stuff" and other disrespectful things. I said "This is my house, not yours. Please find another place to live by the 1st. I am very tired of your bad attitude." Good job Lisa. I finally said it. :) I don't know where she will go next, but I know she has a brother. Maybe she can live with him. She came to my house from an abused women's shelter. Her dad was supposedly raping her at night. At first I felt so sorry for her like she was some poor helpless victim, but she is 21. She would have known if he was trying to have sex with her and she could have moved out a long time ago. Why on earth would she let that continue? So now I am thinking she is not just messed up because of her dad, maybe she wants to be messed up. 

My house will be much more peaceful with her gone. Please pray she will leave soon. Thanks all. 

Don't Worry, Be Happy

 "Fret not yourself. It tends only to evil."  When we feel anger, the base feeling is actually fear, but anger feels more powerful then fear so most people choose to exhibit anger rather then fear.  No one wants to come off as a pansy and tell anyone they are afraid, so we get angry instead.  I generally have not been afraid of anything, until now.  My check engine light is on in my car and it seems to be driving with less power.  It is frustrating because I just got tons of car repairs done, but I guess that car will never be all fixed. My decision is to not worry about it. God will help me get a new car when the timing is right. 

People are afraid and worry about all kinds of things; money, their health, people they know.  Here are some good verses on that.  "God will meet ALL your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."  Amen? Amen. :)  "By his stripes you are healed" mentally, physically, spiritual and emotionally.  Now do things that will make you more healed, like eat fruits and get exercise. As far as people you know, "Cast your cares on the Lord for he cares for you."  Anyone that you are worried about, God cares about them too.  Just give them to God.  You can only do so much for others.  Let God do the rest.  

Try to not worry. It will only rob you of your sleep, which will make you more stressed out, which makes you worry more. When we worry we really are trying to take God's place, because we think we can control things.  We think we should control things, but let go and let God. Maturity comes when you realize that Most things are out of your control.  People who worry a lot generally hold everything with a tight fist.  It is time to release it.  Let your fists go.  Lay it at the foot of the cross, and learn to relax.  

Desire to Speak in Tongues

 If you have not been filled with the Holy Spirit yet, I recommend that you desire to be.  You will know you have been fully filled with the Holy Spirit when you start praying in tongues.  I had an ongoing debate for 6 years with my ex husband about the gift of tongues. I was very callous and argumentative about the gift.  I think I just felt threatened by it, because I knew it was something I was always curious about and wanted, but I was scared of it. I was scared to go deeper with God, just like I am scared to go deeper with people I know most of the time. I like to keep things shallow so I stay comfortable. 

 I just had a revelation, that the word tongues is given that name for a reason.  When you are deeply in love with someone, you feel comfortable kissing them with your tongue often.  If you do not feel very close to them, you only do more surface kisses, peck kisses or cheek kisses etc. The deeper you are in love with someone, the more you want to give them a real kiss, a tongue kiss.  There have not been many guys in my life that I have wanted to kiss this way, even my ex husband actually.  I suppose there are very few guys I have been fully in love with. 

People do this with God a lot, they hold back on loving him fully.  Is praying in tongues required for your salvation?  I will say not entirely, but if you want to go deeper with God and let him be your whole world, it is.  Some people don't want to, because they don't trust God or they are mad at God for things in their past.  They say they are Christian, but they don't really love God.  If you do love God, wouldn't you want to feel closer to him?  So many Christians ignore the supernatural side of God because it scares them.  They want to stay in their heads and memorize Bible verses and just know theology, but they never access God with their hearts.  They do not want to fully know God. Maybe they prefer to hide from God because they feel shame over something. 

Jesus said, "These people acknowledge me with their lips but their hearts are far from me."  I have seen this over and over again, people saying they love God, but you can tell that they really don't.  They don't want to go into a deeper relationship with God because their heart is hard. They want to be their own God. They want to call the shots of their own life. They live out of their head instead of their heart because that is what is more comfortable. They don't want to really love God because they are too in love with themselves. 

When you get tongues, it is like really kissing the person you are with, with your tongue.  That shows that you finally want to let them into your heart.  I remember in the movie "Pretty Woman" she said she didn't kiss her clients because it creates too much of a bond.  She was a prostitute and she had to keep an emotional distance from her men.  She had to protect her heart.  

So many people do that with God, they keep their distance, because they don't really love God or they don't trust God.  Maybe they just want a hit and run with God, just like people can do in sexual relationships.  They get an emotional high at church on Sunday, just like if you had hooked up with someone Friday night, and then they go on their way and don't think about God at all the rest of the week.  But God wants to be in your heart and mind 24/7.  

This only happened for me after I received the gift of tongues. Ever since then I talk with God all day every day about whatever is on my mind. He is always the wisest and kindest voice you will ever hear. When you are finally willing to go deeper with God, that is when he pours the gift out on you.  When you finally decide to not care what others think of you what what you think of yourself. When you can finally let go.  That is when you get it. When you finally become humble and open yourself up fully to God, then you will get the gift. 

So be humble. Stay open.  Trust God, and get ready for God to become your 24/7 best friend. God bless! 

Being Vulnerable

When we fall in love, we go out on a limb and try to express ourselves.  Sometimes the other person can't handle what we say or want and it causes us to freeze up and not know what to do.  

I have a good analogy for this.  One of my toilets, that is not interior and protected by the heat of the house, had the water line freeze so I couldn't flush it for awhile.  Two walls of that bathroom are the outside walls of the house.  The bathroom is out on a limb and it got frozen.  Think of anytime you have done public speaking and you feel like you might freeze up.  You go out on a limb; you feel naked and scared and vulnerable.  That is how love is.  You unveil your soul to someone and if they don't respond well, it might cause you to freeze up.  

The solution is to get closer to the heat.  What is the heat?  The love of God. :)  The more connected to God you are, the more free and confident you will feel.  "Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." Jesus said, "Apart from me you can do nothing."  And I love the verse, "We love because he first loved us."  When you receive God's love, you can give it out to others without fear.  Don't be hurt if others can't love you.  It is just because they have not been filled up with God's love yet.  Pray for them. :) "Pray for your enemies and bless those who curse you."  They are mean because they need to be filled up with God's love more. Pray that they will. 

Time Heals Most Wounds

 We all need to take a time out for ourselves to think and to heal.  So many people rush through life and never take time to relax, to just think and reflect. Then they wonder why their lives are so messed up and they always feel so stressed.  It is because they never assess what they do and why they do what they do and how they can do things differently.  When things go wrong in a relationship, it is good to take an inventory of everything you did and said in the past.  So often people just blame the other person, but it takes two to tango.  What did you do?  What did you say?  When you look at the past, you can't change what the other person did, but you can change yourself and try to not make the same mistakes you made in the future.  Look in the mirror.  Take time to really know yourself and try to better yourself after a break up. 

We like to shift the blame onto others so that we Won't look at ourselves.  It is a lot easier to judge someone else then to judge yourself.  It is more comfortable, because we know there is nothing we can do about the other person.  When our focus is on them, it takes the focus off of ourselves and we don't worry about changing ourselves.  But how did you hurt them?  Did you cause them to hurt you?  Did something you said aggravate them?  

No matter what happened, time can heal almost all wounds.  Eventually you forget the pain of a hurt, with time.  When someone cuts you in some way, emotionally, it hurts a lot at first.  It is like having a paper cut that is very painful.  You can cover it with a band aid, but it will still need time to heal.  You might try to distract yourself from the pain by drinking or watching movies or TV.  Have faith that with time, the wounds will heal.

When you love someone a lot, they can cut you deeper then anyone else can.  They can hurt you more then anyone else can.  This is why so many choose to not fall in love, because they are Smart. :)  Love can be very painful.  There isn't much you can do about the pain except give it time to heal. So often people don't give themselves time to heal after a relationship.  They just jump from one relationship to the next and make all the same mistakes over and over again.  They wonder why none of their relationships work out.  It is because they do not give themselves time to heal and reflect.  What went wrong?  Why did it go wrong?  What do I really want?

I have confused about 5 guys over the past 3 years because I cannot figure out what I want. I don't know if I want another child or not.  I just can't make up my mind.  There are pros and cons to not having another kid, and I have no idea which would be better.  I am a bit gun shy, as they say, because my last attempt at a family blew up in my face as if I was standing over a stick of dynamite.  So obviously I would be hesitant to try to make kids with anyone else now.  Part of me really wants a family again, but finding the right person to raise a family with is so hard.  You have to know that you can trust each other, and unfortunately, there aren't many trustworthy people out there now.  Most people these days are extremely selfish.  They don't care about you at all because their hearts are so hard and callous.  As the Bible says, "In the last days people will be lovers of themselves." Everyone now just loves themselves, so they won't and can't love you.  It is a sad world we live in now for sure.  

God loves you!  May God heal your heart from any wounds and give yourself time to heal.  You will feel better soon.  This too shall pass. 

Jealousy Kills

 If you have more money then others, people can get jealous of you.  If your relationship seems to be better then their relationship, people might get jealous.  If your house is slightly bigger or your car a bit newer, they will get jealous.  If you actually enjoy your job, people can get jealous.  If you have close friends, people can get jealous.  

When others see a person who is generally happy, they try to sabotage that, because of this spirit of jealousy, which can make people go totally crazy.  Cain killed his brother Able because he was jealous of him. King Saul tried to kill David countless times because he was jealous of him. 

My entire life people have been jealous of me. Sometimes I enjoy it.  It can be fun to be envied.  I am generally used to it.  But sometimes people being jealous of you can really mess up your life. It can cause you to loose your spouse or your job or your kids etc. 

My ex husband was jealous of all the extra time I had as a stay at home mom. I made lots of YouTube Bible teaching videos.  Maybe he was jealous of how well I can communicate.  God certainly gave me the gift of gab. :) He maybe felt like I was earning more brownie points with God.  And so, just like King Saul got bitterly jealous of David and wanted to murder him, that basically is what happened in my last marriage.  I randomly opened to that story in the Bible one day when I was with him, and I realized Ben's madness was similar to King Saul's madness. 

Our entire first 6 of marriage, Ben had the gift and tongues and I did not, so he felt superior to me.  That was the One thing he could feel superior to me about.  Then I got the gift of tongues and the evil spirit of jealousy took over and it seemed that he wanted to take me out.  He tore me down verbally almost every day.  He constantly tried to steal my peace and joy.  It seemed that he hated me, and I'm sure quite sure that he really did.  Anytime you shine your light, there will be people who try to put it out.  But keep shinning anyways.  That's what I always say. :)

It can be dangerous to shine.  People can literally want to kill you if you shine too brightly.  Your greatness exposes their shortcomings.  Because you accomplish a lot, they feel more insecure.  This is why some people love to insult others, because when you tear others down, you feel better about yourself.

Jealousy is a very powerful emotion.  It causes people to go insane.  If they can't have what you have, it drives them totally mad.  

I have never understood jealousy.  For me, if I want something that someone else has, I work harder to get it.  Jealousy comes when people are lazy and they are not willing to do what the other person is doing.  They want to do it, but rather then do it, they just get jealous.  They dwell on everything that other person has, and rather then try to get it themselves, they try to ensure that the other person doesn't have it.  If they can't have it, they don't want you to have it either.  So they mess up your life any way they can.  They gossip about you and try to turn everyone you love against you, maybe threaten to call CPS or the police on you for stupid things.  They try to sabotage every close relationship you have, because they are jealous that you have those relationships.  They hate you, and they try to destroy your life in any way possible.  All because they are jealous. They can't handle that you have the things that they want.  The solution is that they just need to go get it for themselves, but their insecurity tells them that they can't, so they try to take what you have away.

Don't be a person like that.  If you want something, go get it.  

Addicted to Drama

 When people don't have a life, they love to create drama. My mom used to do this with me when I was younger; if she was bored she would try to pick a fight with me, just for entertainment. I always knew exactly what she was doing, because I was always very smart, so I would never take the bait.  I would just remain calm and silent while she went completely crazy for a half hour or so.  I knew that when she was crazy if I said or did anything she would only get more crazy.  I never wanted to fight.  I never wanted drama.  But she did.  It was almost like she was addicted to drama.  She was addicted to discord and chaos, because she was used to that.  Her whole life growing up, her parents were always fighting.  They hated each other almost every single day of their 65 years of marriage. So then with my mom, it was like she didn't know how to have a normal life without there being constant fighting.  

Most of life is pretty boring.  So many people can't handle the boredom of life so they try to start stuff, they try to rock the boat.  Maybe they want to create the drama they see in movies.  But it is Way better to just go watch a drama movie then to make your own life a drama movie.  

This was the case for everyone in my ex husband's family.  They all had No life and so they felt the need to create drama in my life.  There was so much gossiping and back stabbing and lies that they spread about me and my family, and they Still spread lies about me to my mom and anyone they can.  It was their entertainment, literally, to make my life hell for awhile.  I am quite sure that the more I suffered, the more they all laughed about it.  I had never in my life known such evil people. And that is why my ex and I are now divorced, because I couldn't handle all insanity of all that anymore. 

My ex husband swore he was living in some action movie.  He thought cars were following him everywhere he went and that people were "after" him.  I kept trying to tell him, "Your life is not a movie.  You are not living in a movie."  But it was like he wanted to.  He wanted his life to be some crazy action movie, because like my mom, he was used to the drama.  Perhaps he also was addicted to drama.  Normal life was too boring for him.  Maybe he got tired of the quiet, suburban life where nothing ever happens.  It is nice to be safe and at peace, but he couldn't handle it.  Some people can't handle normal life, where you just go to work and go home every day.  You see the same people every day.  So many people get bored with that, so they infuse crazy situations into their life that they don't need to. Why?  Because they can't handle the monotonous routine of life.  They can't handle just being a normal person and having a normal life.  I remember Joyce Meyer said when she started really trying to have more peace in her life that it felt boring.  And yes it does, but at least then you have peace. 

I love this quote from the book Psalm 23 by David Roper.  He says, "I have discovered that all these misfortunes of men arise from one thing only, that they are unable to stay quietly in their own chamber. Hence it comes that play, the society of women, war and offices of State are sought after. Hence it comes that men so love noise and movement."  Women love noise and movement too, but we fill that need by having children. For some reason that isn't enough for so many men.  Men go out and commit crimes when they are bored.  This is why men Need to work, and if their jobs are not hard enough and do not challenge them enough, they create drama in their life somehow.  Maybe they shoot up a building or cheat on their woman.  If women do not feel sufficiently challenged with life, they just decide to have more kids to manage, but men....men do all kinds of crazy things.  

In college we talked about how we can use our energy for constructive or destructive purposes.  If you are highly intelligent and have a lot of energy, you know you should be using your intelligence for something.  Either you will use it to make a lot of money, raise a wonderful family, or you will commit crimes.  We all have to do Something with our lives. We all need to feel that our lives are signifacant and that we are impacting others in some way.  You can do this in a positive way or in a negative way.  Most people don't know what to do with their lives.  If you have no direction, if you don't know what your calling is, you might mess up your life in a million different ways.  

So what is your calling?  What did God create you to do?  I have always known that I am meant to write.  What is your thing?  If you have not figured it out yet, I pray that you will, so that you will not create drama in the lives of others for entertainment.  God bless! :)

Tame Your Husband

 I read a Shakespeare play in college called The Taming of the Shrew. The movie version of it was particularly interesting. The concept was that a man married a very non-submissive woman, but by the end of the play, he had tamed her. She had become the perfect wife.

Recently I said to my best friend how much I love my bf Eric. She said, "You don't love him." I said, "Why, because I kept breaking up with him? I was trying to tame him. And now I did and now he is finally nice. Mission accomplished." :)  

When I met Eric, he had the worst personality I had ever seen in a person. He had a great body and pretty eyes, but his personality really needed some work. Some people need to be broken the way you break in a wild stallion. That sounds a bit odd but it's true. Most guys are wild stallions. That is why they generally get in trouble a lot more then women. And the majority of men don't respect women, so you have to cause them to respect you. Mainly, show them that you are respectable and you will get respect. 

 Certain people need a stronger training in how to work well with others. My oldest daughter was very strong willed and almost would never fall in line, so I spanked her a lot. By a lot I mean like once a week or so. My youngest daughter was way more compliant so she almost didn't need any spankings. Of course it could be said that my harsher treatment of my oldest made her the way she was. It is hard for any parent to know how to train their kids. 

It is also hard for any spouse to know how to train the person they choose to live with. You want them to be a certain way. You want certain things from them, so how do you bring that about? Begging doesn't work. Whining doesn't work. I have tried the silent treatment in the past with people, which can be effective. Simply withdraw yourself and your attention until they decide to act nicer. 

You treat people how to treat you. What you allow is what people will do. Some women withhold sex from their husbands as a way of training them. I do not recommend that. That is like a man withholding food from his woman. Not cool. 

There are subtle ways that you can help someone change for the better. All I can say now is pray about it. If you want God to help you change someone, ask Him how and he will help you. God bless. :)

What is Your Addiction?

 With some people, everything they touch turns to gold.  With me it seems every guy I touch turns to stone, or something horrible happens to him.  It would seem that I am cursed in the love department.  Maybe everyone feels cursed in the love department, I don't know.  I suppose love does not come easy for anyone in life.  Most people are frustrated single or frustrated married.  It seems that no matter what state people are in, they are not happy.  But that is the human condition isn't it?  We are just constantly dissatisfied with life.  That is why people drink or smoke or do drugs or over spend with shopping or sleep their life away, because life is just too painful sometimes.  We think we need an escape from it.  Like that song Angel, "You spend all your life waiting for that second chance.  For a break that will make it ok.  There's always some reason to feel not good enough. And it's hard at the end of the day.  I need some distraction or beautiful release." 

What causes your release?  For me it has always been relationships.  That has always been my drug of choice. Hello my name is Lisa and I am a love addict.  But this addiction has gotten me in trouble countless times in my life.  If I could go back to my 13 year old self I would have told her, "Please just stay away from guys." The problem is I got my first taste of love then and I was hooked.  I couldn't stay away from the drug of love.  I kept wanting to come back to it to get high.  I never understood those who drink or do drugs because my addiction was always just the opposite sex.  Their love was my drug. 

Countless guys have gotten me in trouble in my life.  So I swing back and forth from wanting love to hating that I want love and isolating. I have quit so many jobs because of guys, due to them liking me or me liking them, got shamed out of my youth group over a guy, lost my family 3 times over this. It seems that it always ends badly when someone likes me. The guy goes crazy or they end up in jail or suicidal or dead.  Maybe God is trying to tell me something.  Maybe he wants me to give up and stay single.  That is quite possible.  

I asked God if I am cursed in love.  He said no but he curses any specific guy around me that messes with me. I have always said I don't need a guard dog because God is my gaurd dog.  I don't need a gun because God is my gun.  I don't need a dad because God is my dad. :) And yes I have been messed with by tons of guys in tons of different ways. I have never been sucessfully rapped.  My dad attempted rape when I was 6.  I lost my virginity to my step brother, which was not rape but it was definitely pressured sex.  My older brother messed with me. My step dad always checked me out.  My younger step brother is the only guy I've ever known that respected me and didn't try anything with me. Which makes sense that now I like a guy at work that kind of looks and acts like him.  :)

But most guys I have have known were just dogs.  They saw me as a piece of meat they could devour and then go on their way.  I was just a way to fulfill their appetite.  I can't say very many men have truly cared about me as a person.  They just cared about my body.  One of my exes I would say truly did.  I was not just a sex object to him, and that was very nice. 

I suppose the reason why I feel cursed in love is because I am too nice.  Nice girls finish last.  If I would have been more of a b....my whole life I would not have experienced as much pain as I did. I should have not let so many guys in my heart in the first place. They did not deserve it.  Most people don't deserve to be all the way in your heart.  And when they get there, things can get scary and dangerous.  This is why at the end of Romeo and Juliet both lovers end up dead, because true love kills you, if not literally then in other ways. It is always risky. You never know what will happen when you fall in love. "Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed. Some say love it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.....it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance." (from the song The Rose) One of my other favorite songs about love is "And So it Goes." He says, "If my silence made you leave then that would be my worst mistake so I will choose to be with you, and you can have this heart to break." Isn't that the truth?  Love can make your heart expand but it can also break it. 

So is love worth it in the end?  If love seems to curse you or those around you is it worth it?  Only God knows. 

Love Can be Scary

 When you tell someone you like them, you go out on a limb.  And then sometimes they take a chain saw and cut that limb off and you fall on the ground.  Then you walk away limping and you feel like a total idiot.  This is why most people choose to not fall in love in the first place.  Maybe that is why it is called falling, because you are bound to get hurt.  Love is risky.  It is painful. Is it worth it?

There is a part in 2 Corinthians chapter 7 where Paul says that a widow, after loosing her husband, will be happier if she remains single.  There is a reason for that.  Because most men are cold, heartless jerks. I don't know why any of us women waste our energy on them.  They don't deserve it.  Sometimes, they have the capability of loving as much as a rock is capable of love.

My ex husband is a prime example of this.  We were married for 7 years.  I am quite sure that he did not actually fall in love with me until our last year of marriage, and that love made him go crazy.  That is why most men choose to not fall in love; they want to maintain their sanity.  So they stay cool, calm and collected and unaffected by most women around them.  But then that one woman gets under their skin and they can't stand it.  This is why men are generally mean to a woman that they really love, because they are mad that she got to him.  They are mad that she figured out how to get under his skin.  Men like to keep their heart protected and hard. If a girl gets in, they resent it, because they feel like they are loosing control, and men Love to be in control. 

It is also just fear, as to why men keep their hearts hard.  Everyone has the fear that love might not work out, so they want to stop love before it happens. They expect the worst rather then assume the best.  They think that this person who loves them will probably break their heart, so they let themselves become cold. 

I have never admired those who are single too much, because it is easy to be single.  There is no risk.  You don't have to give anything of yourself to anyone.  This is why I don't know if I could ever stay single for long, because I am so used to giving of myself to others.  It is nice and peaceful to be single, but it seems selfish.  So I have always looked for someone to help and someone to love. 

In relationships, Satan might cause us to think, "They will just leave me anyways," but then we cause them to leave by our actions.  It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You assume the worst is going to happen, that someone will reject you, but then you Cause them to reject you due to your actions. It is like when Job said in the Bible, "The thing that I feared the most has happened to me." We greatly fear that someone will leave, but then we cause them to leave.  It is like we want to force them to leave before they do so on their own, so that we feel like we are in power.  If they leave you, you are the looser.  But if you cause them to leave you, then you are the winner. At least that is what Satan tells you.  If someone rejects you of their own will, then you feel like a looser. But if they reject you because you "want" them to, then you feel like the winner. It is the game of "I will reject you before you can reject me."  It is very immature but people do it all the time when they are in love. Then they are the one in power.  They are the one left holding the cards because they made the other person fold.  

But then later on, they are sad they made the other person fold.  They are sad they made the other person give up, and that they drove them away.  They want them back because then they get lonely.  Then they wonder why they are the way they are?  Why do they drive people away?  Perhaps it is the fear of getting close to others, of being fully known.  Perhaps they prefer to hide and that is why they keep driving people away.  They have always been hurt by people. They assume everyone will hurt them or leave them, so they drive people away before they can hurt them.  They like to maintain a tough exterior and persona so that no one can get in and hurt them.  They act like they have it all together, when really they are very scared on the inside.  The men who act the most macho, are actually the most insecure on the inside, but they mask their feeling small with bravado. 

Women can do this too.  Women can come off as tough and have an attitude that they don't need anyone.  They do this to protect themselves from getting hurt.  But as Joyce Meyer says, "When you wall everyone else out, you wall yourself in."  We put up walls when people hurt us and we want to hide away from everyone.  But if you do that, Satan wins.  Just because one person hurt you, doesn't mean everyone will hurt you.  And just because a certain person hurt you once, doesn't mean they will always hurt you.  Our battle is against Satan, not people.  Any time someone hurts you, get mad at Satan, not at the person who hurt you.  And don't let Satan win.  Don't let Satan make you hide in a shell all alone forever.  Be yourself.  Be brave.  And keep loving people, even when people hurt you.  Love is risky.  Love Is painful.  But yes, love is worth it.  

Pride and Prejudice

 As long as the one you love has too much pride, they will not be able to admit that they love you. Men who abuse women do so because they have a lot of pride.  They look down on their woman, perhaps because they have been trained their whole lives to look down on women.  Maybe the women they have known were not worthy of respect, so they never never learned to respect women.  

I was just thinking of the movie Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy had so much pride because of his great wealth.  He did not think he needed anyone because he was so rich.  His money made him overly self-reliant.  Poverty can certain humble a person, and riches can make people very proud.  This is why Jesus said, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle then for a rich man to enter heaven."  Because when you have money, you don't think you need God.  When you have money, you don't think you need anyone. People who are rich often isolate themselves.  They might feel that everyone else will only drain them of their money, so they prefer to be alone.  Most people who are rich became rich because they are Not generous, loving people.  They like to hold on to their money and they don't let it go very easily.  Think of Mr. Scrooge from the Christmas Carol.  Often rich people don't have many friends, because friends need things from you and they don't like to share what they have. This is why I have never been rich for very long, because I am too generous.  And this is why rich people often come off as very proud. 

People can have pride for other reasons besides money.  I always had pride over being a good singer, or my intelligence, or my good looks.  This caused me to look down on others.  I was somewhat like Mr. Darcy. I didn't find many guys that I thought were better then me, so most of my life I stayed single.  I was wanting a guy who excelled over me in every way, but since that was hard to find, I just stayed single.  My brother asked me one time, "How are you going to find a leader when you are a leader?"  I said, "That is a good point."  According to the Bible, the man is supposed to be the head of the woman, but in order for that to work well, it helps if the man is superior to the woman in some way. I never found a guy that seemed superior to me.  I got better grades then most guys I knew. I have always been a harder worker then most guys I've known.  I even played basketball better then a lot of guys.  So I did not find many guys that I could truly respect and esteem as better then myself.  Until now.  

There is someone who I greatly respect and I have for a year now.  But now he is in the position that I used to be in, where he thinks he is better then everyone, and so he will not admit when he is in love. Pride blocks love. The main reason is because you do not want someone else to have an effect on you.  You do not want someone else to have power over you, and so your pride keeps you from admiting that you love someone.  You want to be the one in control of your own life, so you choose to not fall in love, or admit that you are in love. Hopefully he will let his ego down at some point and admit how much he loves me. :)