You can't fall in love as long as you have a problem with pride. In order to fall in love, you have to admit that you need someone. It is ideal to not be too needy, that is a turn off to both men and women, but you have to recognize that someone else has something that you want. If you think you don't want or need anything from anyone, then you will never get to be in love.
There are some benefits to being independent and self-reliant. If you never need things from others, you will never be disappointed. It can be good to be self-sufficient. It is more admirable to others when people are self-sufficient. No one likes an overly needy person. Such people are annoying. But it can also be annoying when someone is too self-reliant. That is when God brings situations into our lives to remind us that we need others.
I think we all bounce back and forth in life from wanting to be totally indepedent and to being needy and clingy. It depends on our mood and state of mind. Sometimes we think we don't need anyone. When we look back at past hurts, we are very happy to be alone. We decided that it is better to be safe then to get hurt again. But then when we think about past joys we had in relationships and we miss that and we can become needy. We remember how fun things were with various mates we had and we want that back. Depending on what memories you choose to recall and dwell on, that will determine if you are independent or needy.
Sometimes us women are drawn to these self-reliant, overly confident guys. The problem is that they tend to be jerks, because they don't think they need anyone. But we like them because we find their indepedence and confidence attractive. We like that they aren't needy. But then we can easily get hurt by them, because they don't need us, or at least they Think they don't.
Then on the flip side you have the nervous, insecure, mousy, desperate and clingy guys that drive you crazy. The ones that won't leave you alone but you wish they would. You somewhat like the attention from them, but you don't really respect them because they are so needy. Every woman needs a man she can respect, and if a man needs her too much, she won't respect him. But also, if the man acts like he doesn't need her at all and he is a jerk, then it will be hard for the woman to respect him. Balance is key. Every man, and woman, should realize that they have some need for the opposite sex, without letting that need make them clingy and annoying. It is bad to be independent, but it is worse to be overly needy and clingy.
The movie "He's Just Not That Into You" was a perfect illustration of this concept. The men in the movie were drawn to the independent women, the ones who didn't seem to need them too much. The dynamic you keep seeing play out is that if a woman doesn't want a man, then he wants her. But if a woman does want a man, he doesn't want her, because he is turned off by her neediness. My friend said, "Men are like bunnies. They will run away from anything running quickly in their direction." That phrase stuck with me, so I have always tried to be cool, calm and collected with guys, and not be needy. I hate when people are needy, but then most men around me probably feel like I am fine and that I don't need anyone. So then they leave me alone because I am so independent, which part of me wants that but part of me doesn't at the same time. I have often been the Amazon woman, the A type chick with a f....off attitude, a personality that can be cool but also intimidating. I played basketball for 12 years and my greatest desire was to become strong. I promised myself when I was young that no one was ever going to hurt me again, because my dad sexually abused me. I wanted to be tough and strong and independent and self-willed. I wanted to be in control of my life. I could not Wait to grow up and be on my own. I built up walls in my heart and decided to never let anyone in so that no one could ever hurt me again. But then I fell hard for my first true love when I was 25 and he died two years later. I cried and cried so much after that. My heart was broken, shattered in pieces. Again, after that, I decided I am never ever going to get that hurt again. I'm not going to let someone into my heart that much again, so if they leave or die, it won't tear me apart me so much.
Then I got married a year later and I kept my husband at arm's length. I didn't fully let him in, partly because I didn't trust him. He was kind of a jerk, sadly. And I wanted to protect myself and my heart. When I had two daughters with him, I didn't let myself get as close to them as maybe I should have, because I was protecting my heart. I kept my distance from even my daughters. I didn't hold them as much as most moms probably hold their babies. It was also that my mom always kept her distance from me growing up, so I then did that with my daughters. Maybe part of me knew I wouldn't get to be in their lives forever, so I didn't let myself get overly close to them. Maybe God told me to protect my heart in that way, who knows. I always felt that things probably would not work out with my ex husband, and they didn't, because he was so mean. He was into "Charismania" as I liked to call it and it seemed he always looked down his nose at me. He believed that there were normal Christians and then "anointed," Christians who were better then normal Christians. I was not one of these "anointed" Christians simply because I didn't have the gift of tongues. I didn't care about having the gift of tongues, because I always saw it as crazy and that he and his "anointed" friends were all crazy. So it was an ongoing thing that he didn't really respect me and that I didn't really respect him, all because of our different views on the gift of tongues. I now have the gift of tongues ironically, but I don't feel better then other Christians. I know I just have a gift that some don't have, but I don't let it make me prideful like he did. Maybe God showed me that in him so that I would not get like that when I did get the gift. "Charismania" people feel that is the Best gift. I still feel like teaching is the best gift, which has always been my primary spiritual gift, which is why I write. :)
In regards to my ex, I knew it might not work out, but I wasn't sure if he was going to die or leave or what, but it ended up that he went crazy. I am glad I did not let him into my heart more, or else him leaving and not coming back would have been a lot harder. I kept asking him to come home for a few months after he left, but he would always say no. And then the tables turned. I moved on and didn't need or want him anymore, and then he started to want me back. It is quite funny how that works isn't it. That is one of the greatest tortures of life, when you want someone but that causes them to not want you. But then when you don't want them, they want you. It makes no sense. And this is why love almost always makes us all go crazy. :(
I think the turn off comes because of how we get when we want someone. We can get overly controlling when we want someone. We want to tell them what to do and that is what is unattractive. That is why when you want someone, they don't want you. I have always said "Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And where the spirit of Satan is, there is control." It is not the love we feel that is unattractive to others, it is when we become controlling. To want to control another is actually witchcraft and that is why it scares us when someone tries to control us. But people get like that All the time when they "love" someone; they get controlling, because they want what they want. To lust after someone is selfish, because lust is an insatiable appetite. You crave, you desire, you want and then you have to have it. But then once you get it, it means nothing to you. That is because you didn't want the person, you simply wanted your appetite to be fulfilled.
And so the crazy love ferris wheel keeps turning. Some choose to get on it and take the ride, and others are like, "Nope I'm good. I think I'll stay here on the ground. Thanks." Who is more wise? The one who takes the ride or the one who decides not to? It is hard to say.
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