I have had a very hard life. When I was 6 my dad attempted to rape me. I told my mom that day. He went to jail for 6 months and never tried anything with me again. My mom always told me sexual abuse is more about power then sex. Men who sexually abuse children have an inferiority complex. They feel more powerful when they can have power over children in some way. For some reason, it gives them an ego boost. I went to counseling for years to recover from what my dad did.
My ex husband developed Schizophrenia 3 years ago, which I felt was really just demons talking to him a lot. We were married for 7 years. Our first 6 years of marriage were wonderful and then it was like a switch flipped. Our entire last year of marriage he kept accusing me of cheating on him. I never cheated on him, and I never would have, but he was paranoid that I would. His ex wife before me cheated on him a lot, so he assumed that I would too. But you know what they say, "Assuming makes an ass out of you and me." He was absolutely convinced in his mind that I was sleeping with someone besides him. His paranoia got worse and worse to the point where he thought his phone was getting hacked and that people were following him in cars everywhere he went.
The last day we were together I was making his bed one morning, we slept separately, and I noticed a pocket knife in his bed. I texted him asking, "Why is there a pocket knife in your bed?" He said, "I had that there in case you or someone you know attacked me in my sleep." I would never ever do something like that. I then realized how crazy he still was and told him to go stay at his aunt's or his mom's for awhile. He has been living with his mom ever since. That was 2 years ago.
He kept thinking that I was going to poison him. I made him a smoothie once and he told me to drink some first. The reason for this was that a "prophet" that he knew in his Charismatic circle of friends told him, "God told me to tell you that your wife is going to poison you." Another "prophet" told him, "God told me to tell you that your wife is going to accuse you of molesting your daugthers." These two men I think were always jealous of the relationship I had with Ben. Clearly they were trying to break the two of us up, and it worked, sadly. Those two thoughts, I think, are primarily what made him go insane.
He also started having auditory delusions, meaning he heard me say things that I never said. I don't know if a demon was imitating my voice or what? Maybe he had bad dreams where I said things in the dream, and then he thought that it had actually happened.
He started having a really hard time sleeping. He was struggling at work more and more. He kept changing jobs but nothing seemed to be working out. Then he accused me even more of cheating. A few people told me he could have kept accusing me because he himself was cheating. I have no idea if he was. I think he just felt insecure, and like he didn't deserve me anymore, since he wasn't able to make a job work. I think that insecurity is why he sabotaged our relationship. It is so sad, because before he went crazy we literally had the perfect marriage, the perfect family, the perfect house. We had everything.
I was recently thinking of getting back with him, but how do I know if he will stay sane this time? I don't. Every relationship you might enter is a gamble, and you never know what might happen. And I have always said, your ex is your ex for a reason.
Another guy I dated a year ago went crazy and decided to shoot up a building where he had worked. He shot 7 windows in the business with a gun his dad had given him a few years before. Sidenote: don't give your young son a gun. He was mad that his previous boss there didn't pay him. When he shot the building up, it was around midnight, but the boss was still in the building. He got a charge of attempted murder and had to serve 5 months in jail. I am suprised it wasn't longer. He was on medication and had missed two doses right before that. So that was the main reason why it happened. My ex husband is currently on medication for his schitzophrenis, so obviously I would have the fear that if he missed a dose or two, what would he do?
Another guy I was with caused me a lot of disappointment. He kept saying to me, "What are you good for?" like if I didn't clean his house that day. He didn't like it if I didn't do his laundry on time. He wanted me to cook for him more. He was mad I didn't help him take care of his son more, but I had to work. He required me to pay for all our groceries. He was mostly a good boyfriend, but his expectations of me were pretty high, as most guys have for their woman.
I feel like the woman at the well that Jesus talked to. He told her that she had had 5 husbands and the man she was living with now was not her husband. He could tell that she was searching hard for love but could not find it. He told her that the water he had for her to drink would make her never thrist again. I can relate. Every relationship I have had was somewhat fulfulling but mostly just frustrating.
My other serious relationship was with a guy named Roger. I met him when I was 25 and we were together for two years. He was an alcoholic for the entire first year we were together. He gave up drinking our second year together until the night he died. Every day off he had, he would drink 12 beers in a row. I could never understand why he couldn't just stop at 2 or 3 beers, but he had a problem. He died two years after we met from drinking too much one night. He had also taken an anti-biotic that day because he was sick. You are not supposed to drink alcohol when on anti-biotics. We had had a fight that night over a girl that liked him, so I blammed myself for a long time after he died, but He chose to drink that night. He chose to drink too much. It was a pattern he had created for himself. He was sexually abused a lot in high school so I think he drank to forget the pain and the memories. There were quite a few times he was verbally abusive to me. One time he was mad that I was giving him "the silent treatment" and so he yelled at me and told me to get out of his bed and get out of his sight. He said he didn't even want to look at me. I ran down stairs and got in my car. My plan was to stay at a hotel that night. He ran down after me and begged me not to go. Another time he was being mean so I drove off in my car to get some space. He chased after me in his car and tried to block the street so I could not pass. I turned around and went the other way. I drove for an hour, stopped at Subway, and then drove back home. There were many other times we had fights and I was verbally abusive to him in texts. Perhaps I was retaliating for times he had been mean to me. It is hard to not let resentment build when your mate mistreats you in some way. It is very hard to keep loving them well, even when they don't show you love well.
He had told me about two women he worked with. One he shared lots of personal stories with and he literally said if he wasn't with me he would be with her. Another woman he talked to on the phone at work for 6 hours. He worked as a night tower gaurd in a prison so he got bored a lot. I was shocked that he talked to her that long. Obviously I was starting to feel really jealous and scared.
So clearly after all I have been through, the wisest thing is for me to stay single for now. One girl on Twitter said I made all these guys go crazy because I am the common denominator. I think it is just that most guys are crazy now. Most people are crazy now.
It is more boring and lonely to be single, but at least I can finally be safe and have peace. There is so much fighting in relationships. I really don't think it is worth it. Of course some people have a happy marriage. I have never seen a happy marriage, but I'm sure somewhere out there someone is happily married. Overall though, I think it is just too much of a hassel. It is not worth it. God is my boyfriend now, verbally at least, and he is the best boyfriend I could ever ask for!
If you are single, let God be your mate, emotionally. Accept Jesus' free gift of dying for your sins. Ask the Holy Spirit to come into your heart and transform it and talk to God 24/7. You don't need anything more then that. It is nice to have 2 or 3 close friends too, but being single is great because it is more carefree and fun. It seems like those in relationships have more fun but no, it is just more stress. I have been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and now I plan to retire from the endless search for Mr. Perfect. I have finally realized that Mr. Perfect simply does not exist. The only perfect mate you can find is God.
No comments:
Post a Comment