With some people, everything they touch turns to gold. With me it seems every guy I touch turns to stone, or something horrible happens to him. It would seem that I am cursed in the love department. Maybe everyone feels cursed in the love department, I don't know. I suppose love does not come easy for anyone in life. Most people are frustrated single or frustrated married. It seems that no matter what state people are in, they are not happy. But that is the human condition isn't it? We are just constantly dissatisfied with life. That is why people drink or smoke or do drugs or over spend with shopping or sleep their life away, because life is just too painful sometimes. We think we need an escape from it. Like that song Angel, "You spend all your life waiting for that second chance. For a break that will make it ok. There's always some reason to feel not good enough. And it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction or beautiful release."
What causes your release? For me it has always been relationships. That has always been my drug of choice. Hello my name is Lisa and I am a love addict. But this addiction has gotten me in trouble countless times in my life. If I could go back to my 13 year old self I would have told her, "Please just stay away from guys." The problem is I got my first taste of love then and I was hooked. I couldn't stay away from the drug of love. I kept wanting to come back to it to get high. I never understood those who drink or do drugs because my addiction was always just the opposite sex. Their love was my drug.
Countless guys have gotten me in trouble in my life. So I swing back and forth from wanting love to hating that I want love and isolating. I have quit so many jobs because of guys, due to them liking me or me liking them, got shamed out of my youth group over a guy, lost my family 3 times over this. It seems that it always ends badly when someone likes me. The guy goes crazy or they end up in jail or suicidal or dead. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. Maybe he wants me to give up and stay single. That is quite possible.
I asked God if I am cursed in love. He said no but he curses any specific guy around me that messes with me. I have always said I don't need a guard dog because God is my gaurd dog. I don't need a gun because God is my gun. I don't need a dad because God is my dad. :) And yes I have been messed with by tons of guys in tons of different ways. I have never been sucessfully rapped. My dad attempted rape when I was 6. I lost my virginity to my step brother, which was not rape but it was definitely pressured sex. My older brother messed with me. My step dad always checked me out. My younger step brother is the only guy I've ever known that respected me and didn't try anything with me. Which makes sense that now I like a guy at work that kind of looks and acts like him. :)
But most guys I have have known were just dogs. They saw me as a piece of meat they could devour and then go on their way. I was just a way to fulfill their appetite. I can't say very many men have truly cared about me as a person. They just cared about my body. One of my exes I would say truly did. I was not just a sex object to him, and that was very nice.
I suppose the reason why I feel cursed in love is because I am too nice. Nice girls finish last. If I would have been more of a b....my whole life I would not have experienced as much pain as I did. I should have not let so many guys in my heart in the first place. They did not deserve it. Most people don't deserve to be all the way in your heart. And when they get there, things can get scary and dangerous. This is why at the end of Romeo and Juliet both lovers end up dead, because true love kills you, if not literally then in other ways. It is always risky. You never know what will happen when you fall in love. "Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed. Some say love it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.....it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance." (from the song The Rose) One of my other favorite songs about love is "And So it Goes." He says, "If my silence made you leave then that would be my worst mistake so I will choose to be with you, and you can have this heart to break." Isn't that the truth? Love can make your heart expand but it can also break it.
So is love worth it in the end? If love seems to curse you or those around you is it worth it? Only God knows.
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