A Time for Healing

 I took 2 months off work 6 months ago to write and to heal emotionally. Now I am taking a month off again to heal physically and to heal more emotionally. I pulled a tendon in my arm at work. I guess that was God telling me I needed another break. 

What do I need to heal from? Here are some things: my mom yelling at me my whole life.  Her ruining my first and second family by marrying idiot guys.  The fact that any time she gave me money she was a total bitch about it, even though she has tons of extra money. The fact that she almost never talks to me. It has been that way for 12 years now, but I suppose I don't want her to anyways. She is toxic and just about everything she says is negative. 

I need to heal from my ex husband's mom ruining my marriage and stealing my children. I don't know who the bad guy is though, in regards to my kids being kept from me, if it is her or my ex husband. I know she was controlling our whole marriage and acted like my husband's girlfriend more then his mom. She always seemed to be the other woman. I need to heal from my anger over her needing her son way to much. Her desperation to talk to him all the time that drove me crazy before he went crazy. 

I need to heal from my step dad messing with my daughter, who was 5 at the time.  The fact that my mom Let him go in a room with her with the door shut while they were babysitting my girls.  Who does that?  Could she really have been that stupid to allow that?  And why is she still be married to him?  That feels like a huge betrayal to me. She is picking his side of the story rather then what I know to be true. 

Another thing I need healing from is my step mom.  She was so mean and so cold.  Nothing was ever clean enough for her or good enough for her.  It was like it was impossible for her to love or approve of anyone. My boss at work was very similar. I need to heal from her criticism over the past 2 years too. 

I need healing from what my dad did still. He molested me sexually from the time I was a baby to age 6 when he attempted to rape me.  How could he be so flippant and ruin our family that way?  Didn't he care?  Didn't he value what we all had?  We seemed like a perfect family but he ruined it. Why did he have to go and mess it all up by molesting me? Why couldn't he have just been a normal dad? 

And then my second crazy guy, my ex husband.  Didn't he value what we all had as a family?  Why did he have to let himself go crazy too?  Why did another guy have to ruin my second chance at having a happy family?  

Is this going to always happen to me, that any man I get close to will go crazy?  First my dad, then my older brother, then 2 of my exes, then my ex husband and then a guy I worked with.  It is like, everyone close to me, Satan tries to make them go totally insane. He can't make me insane, because I am strong in God, but he affects everyone around me.  I feel a bit like the girl in Frozen.  She couldn't touch anyone or they would turn to ice.  If Satan sees me love anyone, he effectively makes them go crazy. So I feel like I have to just be alone to protect other people. The more isolated I am, the better off people are, but is that true? 

I really wish that the world would end soon and the rapture will happen soon, because I think we have all had enough of life.  Doesn't God realize that we have all had enough?  Can't we just be done? I don't see why he has us all stay alive so long.  What is the point?  I just want to be done with life. 

God bless.