Marriage Class

My hubby and I have been going to a Marriage Bible study at Calvary here in Pflugerville led by Pastor Terry.  It has been great!  Next week is our last week.  So sad :(  Hopefully we can stay in touch with people from the group or maybe be in another Bible study with some of them. :)

We have been watching a video in about 10 minute segments from Emerson Eggerichs inspired by his book "Love and Respect" and then the video has 10 minutes time for discussion on questions he has in the workbook. 

Here are my notes on the last two weeks of the class:

A question was "Did understanding that God designed trouble in marriage change the way you view your relationship?"

I thought of how I hear in sermons a lot by Joel Osteen that hard times in life and hard people in our lives are meant to be like sand paper that can rub the rough edges off of us.  Hard times in marriage are like that as well.  Or the hard times in marriage show us what we need to change about ourselves.  If we need more patience then we can pray that God will make us more patient etc. 

Emerson challenged the women to ask themselves "How can I say this more respectfully?" before they say something to their husbands.  I was convicted that I tend to get in mommy mode, so the way I talk to my two year old I tend to do that with my husband.  I need to pause and think that I shouldn't talk to him like he's a kid too and talk to him like a fellow adult.  We kind of have a funny way of doing this or helping with it, that when I say something that sounds disrespectful my husband says in sing song way "Please stop yelling at me."  I usually say, "I'm not yelling, I'm just expressing an opinion."  But it's things like, "Please don't wear your shoes in the house."  But it's how I say it that might sound disrespectful or like I'm yelling even though I'm not. 

Another good thing Emerson said was "Hard times in marriage reveal who you already you are, it's not causing you to be who you are."  We like to blame our spouse for bringing out bad in us, but really it's our own fault if we are acting in a sinful way in anger or being unloving etc. 

One thing I thought of is that for my husband and I, it helps that I had a brother and he had a sister, so I understand more how to show respect and he understands more how to be loving, or what women like to hear.  So that is good. :)  I think for people that didn't have an opposite sex sibling it can be hard then in marriage to understand the opposite sex. 

Emerson talks about how couples can get on the "Crazy Cycle" where the man reacts unlovingly when he feels disrespected and the women reacts disrespectfully when she feels unloved.  I shared last night that for the most part my husband and I don't get on the crazy cycle.  I'm pretty good about stopping it right when it starts.  Like if my hubby seems grumpy I say "Someone needs a nap." :)  And the group thought that was funny. :)  Or for myself it might be that I'm hungry and so I need to go eat or I need him to babysit for a bit so I can go nap.  But it helps to fix the reason for why someone is frustrated before resuming a conversation if it gets heated.  So if you feel you're on a crazy cycle with anyone, try going to take a nap or eating something and see if you feel better.  Then resume talking about the thing.  Or texting or writing letters can be the best way to communicate about an important issue.  Then you don't have to worry about looks or tones of voices to throw you off or push any buttons and get you mad.  Letters and texting are great!  Thank God for modern technology of texting! :)

Often times I think it's when we don't take care of ourselves first that we then take things out on others.  But it isn't that other person's fault that we are hungry or tired, most likely, and we need to fix that ourselves.


I heard a good acronym once that HALT means you shouldn't do anything, like try to have a conversation etc. if you are feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired.  You need to first fix that thing in order to have a better day. 

Last night the topic was "My response is my responsibility."  As in, how we choose to respond to anything our spouse does, or anyone does, is our responsibility.  We can choose how we will respond, regardless of what other people do.  Like Jesus said, turn the other check if someone hits you.  That doesn't mean being a doormat, as Emerson said, it means we have the control.  A thought I had on that is that when people realize they can't affect us and they can't get under our skin, they give up.  When they realize we will be at peace no matter what they do, they stop trying to get a reaction out of us and ruffle our feathers so to speak. 

For some reason we like to affect others in a negative way.  Well, if we can't have a positive affect on others we then resort to trying to have a negative affect.  But when we can stay calm no matter how others try to make us feel, we are the ones in control and we can remain at peace. 

Emerson mentioned, how can super strong men become so weak around their wives and like a victim?  He was saying no one should have ultimate control over our emotions, and yes no one should.

The reason why people do sometimes, I have realized, is when we idolize someone.  If we start to put a person in the place of God, we do let them have control over us.  But only God should have ultimate control over us.  Amen :)

To adopt this mindset that "my response is my responsibility" frees us up from a victim mentality, Emerson said.  Then we can't blame the other person for how we react.  We are no longer a victim, at the mercy of the other person.  We are in control of ourselves, rather than expecting another person to dictate how we will feel or how our day will go.  And that is a Much better place to be in for sure. :)  And with God's help we can have this kind of power.  That power is simply just called "self-control."
:)

Ultimately we have to take responsibility for any sin that we commit.  We can't blame others.  And when we start to stop blaming others, that is when we can really start to change and get better. 

Something interesting Emerson said was "We never blame others for good things we do, only the bad things."  And yes that is true. :(

In regards to anger, as long as we stay calm it can diffuse the situation.  If a person reacts to anger with anger is only makes things worse.  Like the verse that says, "A calm answer can turn away wrath." 

Ultimately knowing that our response is our responsibility is like the verse that we All will have to give an account to God in heaven for every careless word and deed.  God won't let us make excuses for our sin in heaven.  He will simply call it like it is and we will admit then fully that it was wrong.  Blaming others doesn't excuse ourselves from the guilt of things we do. 

In marriage, any act to hurt the other person is really like shooting ourselves in the foot.  With wisdom we can realize that we will reap what we sow, as Jesus said.  If we give love we get love in return.  But if we give disrespect we will get disrespect back, generally.  Whatever we want from another person we have to first give them.

Emerson said after a fight "the one who sees themselves as the most mature usually moves first" to apologize.  And yes that is true. :)

Also we love because God first loved us, as the verse says.  We love our spouse or other people not necessarily because they love us, but because God loves us and we repay that love from God to other people.  It's the least we can do for God for all he has done for us.  God calls us to love others.  Jesus died for us SO That we could really and truly love others.  And that is all God asks from us. 

We can also get what we want by insighting fear in others.  In college I had a class where we discussed , "Would you rather be a king that is feared or loved?"  If someone does something for you only because they fear you, that is not as rewarding than if they do it because they love you.  That is true in marriage and parenting and any relationship.  It's better to love and get love rather than get love from a motive of fear, of course. 

So overall love is key.  If we want love, we have to give love first.  Don't wait for others to give us what we want.  We lead by example.  What we want from others we have to first give to them.  Don't wait for others to meet your needs first before you will do anything for them.  Focus on meeting the needs of others and then yours will get met.  As the verse says, "Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you."  Make your focus serving others, and God will make sure all your needs get met.  Amen. :)

May God bless you all!