Being a Mom

 I always kept a big emotional distance from my two daughters.  After Serenity was born there was a high for awhile of finally getting to have my own baby. When Joy, my second, was born I was so in love with her at first it was crazy. Probably because her birth was so scary. She came out with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck 3 times. So I felt a great deal of care for her at the beginning.

But as they got older there was a coldness that I felt a lot. Maybe that is normal. You aren't supposed to treat kids like they are babies forever. But I think the coldness was the result of working with kids for 14 years before I had kids. We were trained to keep a distance in any job with the kids so no one would accuse us of sexual harassment. Even in one pre-school I worked in I would hug the 1 year old's and I wondered if that was ok.  So then when I had my daughters, I was so accustomed to barely touching children that I was around, so I barely hugged my daughters. If I could turn back time I would hug them and kiss them more.  Hopefully they are getting plenty of hugs from their grandparents now. 

I think I also had a hard time with hugging them because I was sexually molested by my dad.  So it was like the pendulum swinging. It had a polarizing effect. My dad was too close with me, so then I went the opposite way with my daughters. Of course that also was how my mom was with me. She almost never hugged me or kissed me or said she loved me.  That generally is what happens in families where sexual abuse happens.  One parent shows almost no love, so the other one has more of an open door to sexually molest the child, because the child is then hungry for love. 

I feel I was really neglectful of my oldest daughter Serenity, but she was always so independent. It was like she was an adult from the time she was born. It didn't ever seem like she needed me much. Joy, my youngest, just seemed to need me to cuddle with her for her to fall asleep but that was it. Mostly the girls entertained themselves. I think about my girls all the time now and how much I wish I could have them back.  I keep thinking I want to have one of the girls at least and my ex can have the other girl, but splitting them up would be sad. But I don't want to take both away from my ex and cause him to go crazy again. I keep feeling like God says it is my turn to have them, but I prefer to avoid lots of family drama. I have had Way to much family drama my whole life. I just want to be done with drama. But I miss them so much. I see them in my dreams every few nights. They are always happy dreams. Hopefully I will see them again soon, if not on earth then in heaven. Hey Jesus, come back! We are all eagerly waiting for you. :) May God bless you.