My Best Friend

I met my best friend Ashley when I was 14.  We have been best friends for 21 years.  That is one of my greatest accomplishments in life, just staying in touch with her for that long. :)  Ashley and I have never had a fight, so that helps. :)  I suppose it's because we respect each other so much. 

For any wondering, Ashley and I have never kissed and there is zero lesbian attraction for us. We have always just been friends, praise God. lol.

  We met at church on a Wednesday night service and there was an instant connection.  I gave her my number and we started hanging out after school every day.  Over the years I have called her about once a month and we talk for hours when we talk.  I still text her almost every day.  She has been my rock that has gotten me through my life.  If I didn't have Ashley honestly I would probably be in prison by now or I would have killed myself by now.  Like for real.  My life has been crazy times 10.  

It Really helps to have a close friend to get you through life.  I stay alive for her and maybe she stays alive for me.  Although she is much stronger then me and I don't think she has ever wanted to end her life. 

She is epileptic. I remember telling her years ago, "If I had seizures like you I would have jumped off a bridge by now."  I admire her strength a lot, that she hasn't jumped off a bridge by now.  Maybe I keep thinking, subconsciously at least, that if she is still going strong in life then I can too.  

We encourage each other a lot.  I admire her ability to stay away from guys and be independent.  And she admires my daring heart that takes risks in love as much as I can.  She keeps my feet on the ground more and I think I inspire her to fly more. :) Opposites attract and she definitely is more reason and I am more emotion.  She is the brain and I am the heart. Every brain needs a heart friend to inspire them.  And every heart needs a brain friend to keep them thinking logically.  

I would have messed up my life SO much by now if it weren't for Ashley's wise counsel.  She is the wisest person I have ever known.  Even wiser then my mom, which is funny since Ashley is two years younger then me.  I suppose she literally has always been more like my mom then even my mom, because she is so mature.  Her seizures have made her wise beyond her years I think.  And just all the things she went through in life.  She grew up in Vegas and both her parents were heroine addicts.  She then moved in with her older cousin and his wife at age 9.  He was about 25 at the time. He was a super great guy and was on staff at our church.  She helped them raise their 3 kids.  It is good she had that time of helping raise kids because she might never be able to have kids because she is epileptic, at least her doctor definitely recommends that she doesn't.  But it helps that she has no interest in having kids.  Probably because she feels she already kind of was a mom for her cousins.  

Ashley is the only person I gave driving lessons to.  She finally got her license about 3 years ago at age 30.  Since then she has been in 3 major accidents.  Pray for her about that. :(  

She has had a hard time with love.  Mainly she doesn't trust guys so she has no interest in finding love.  I feel bad for her because I feel like she is missing out, but then again I also feel she is very smart, because love sure can break your heart. 

She loves hearing about all my crazy love adventures though.  Maybe she lives vicariously through me.  

The more she doesn't take risks in love, the more I want to.  But I'm sure the more I take risks in love, the more she doesn't want to, because she sees how much it hurts me.  She is very smart.  :) Or is she?....lol

Ashley and I have certainly been there for each other through every storm in life.  I can't imagine my life without her and I'm So thankful that I have had her as a friend all these years.  Go Ashley!

I hope you all have a friend like that too.  God bless :)

Seize the Day

Are you tired of hiding?  Are you tired of doing nothing? Why don't you take some risks in life? 

Reach out.  Get out.  Live your life.  Don't keep yourself in a cage all the time.  Seize the day.  Be bold and shine. 

Fall in love.  Take the risk.  Love someone with your whole heart. Hold nothing back. 

Do what you love, even if others think it's silly.  Sing any song you want to.  Be playful. Have fun.

The older we get, the more we think we need to be serious all the time.  We forget how to have fun.  We get so uptight and bottled up.  We think mature people are supposed to be serious all the time. I'm pretty sure that is just depressed people, rather then mature people. 

To be depressed isn't mature, it's just being depressed. :)

Depression, like fear, is very inhibiting. As long as you are full of fear or depression you cannot be free. You are in a cage.  Satan would love to keep you in that cage because it renders you useless to society and to those who love you.  

Aren't you tired of being stuck in a cage? Don't you want to break free? 

Seize the day.  Do what you have always wanted to do, and don't ask for permission from anyone to do it.  

Live your life. 

Time Well Spent

 I have always had a hard time understanding men love drinking or getting high so much.  I don't get why men love to sit and watch football for several hours at a time.  I never understood how men can sit and play a video game for hours and hours either.  

But I guess it's just hard to figure out what to do with life sometimes.  Not many people know what their calling is; why they were created.  What were we created to do with all our time? 

So many people just waste time in any way they can.  I heard a great quote, "You cannot waste time without killing eternity."  This could relate to our rewards in heaven.  If you kill time and aren't investing in your calling from God for your life, this will diminish your rewards in heaven.  Jesus says we will have to give an account for every idle word we speak.  Maybe we will have to explain every minute we wasted doing stupid things as well.  

Every minute of your life matters.  Most don't realize that, but it does.  It could matter to someone else.  Get your mind off yourself for one second.  Who else could be blessed by you talking to them for the next few minutes?

Your life isn't just about you.  You weren't just created for yourself.  You were created to bless others.  To help make others happy.  To help make God happy.  

I know it seems like God doesn't need anything from us, but he does very much want for us to be happy.  Go make someone happy today.  Do something or say something that would make someone else happy.  

You do not exist only for yourself.  Be a blessing to someone else today. :)

Life Sadness

 My predominant feeling 24/7 is of sadness over life.  My life, the lives of others, people who probably won't go to heaven.... I feel sad almost constantly over these things.  I suppose God puts this feeling in me so I will remember to pray for everyone I feel sad over.  It is overwhelming sometimes how sad life can be. 

So many people are so often lonely.  And then when we aren't lonely we don't entirely know what to say to the people in our lives.  When we are alone we want people to be around, but then sometimes when  people are around we want to just be alone. 

We get tired of how much others hurt us.  And we feel sad a lot over how much and how easily we hurt others.  Then we think, we probably should just be alone most of the time, because the more we are alone, the less we can hurt anyone.

I remember toward the end of my time with my ex husband and two daughters I said to Ben one day, "I just feel like you all would be better off without me."  Those words seemed to echo into reality a month after that.  

I said that because I was tired of me and Ben fighting.  He kept accusing me of cheating on him, which I wasn't, and I would get mad when he wouldn't believe me that I wasn't. 

We all crave more human interaction, but we are afraid of it at the same time.  You never know what someone else will say or what you will say.  We don't trust the demons in others, and we don't trust the demons in ourselves.  So we hide in our houses.  We hide behind our TV's or video games or our phones.  We keep people at a distance in order to stay safe.  We hold people at arm's length so we won't get hurt as much.  

But then you feel lonely all the time, and you don't know what the solution is.  

The solution is to stop being afraid all the time. 

Get out. Reach out. And go live life.  

God bless!

Celebrate Your Recovery

 When you are trying to quit a bad habit, it is key to stay positive.  Focus more on how much better you feel then you much you miss the substance that you are quitting.  

Most likely your body feels a ton better.  Focus on that.  

Any time thoughts come up about how much you miss the substance, take a nap, sit out in the sun, eat a fun snack.  You might only Think you are craving the substance, but really you are just hungry or tired.

Reward yourself for little victories.  As children we got candy for doing chores etc.  Give yourself candy for every 3 hours of victory in staying away from the substance. :)

Mostly you have to shift in your thinking about how you perceive yourself.  You have to realize you are stronger then you thought you were before. You DO have the strength to resist it.

You need to see the truth, that do not Need that substance to have peace or joy.  You can have joy without it. 

You need to see the truth that your life is better without that substance.  And that truth will set you free. :)

  

Smoking

 I can't seem to stop thinking about smoking so I might as well write about it.  I have now gone 48 hours without a cigarette. Woot!  I am very proud of myself.  I have noticed that my stomach pain has gone away.  I always thought my almost constant stomach pain was from drinking coffee and that hurt my stomach, but no, it was the smoking. 

It seems like an excellent diet plan because often times when you are hungry you can just smoke a cigarette and you are good.  That was the main part of the appeal for me, because I have never enjoyed eating very much.  Except the Christmas butter cookies you can get in those blue tins.  I enjoy eating those. :) But most food I'm just like whatever.  It doesn't have much appeal to me.  I eat because I have to, not because I want to.  So with smoking it was an easy way to fill my stomach without eating.  But it's not healthy, obviously.  Although I did read that smoking can make you feel more alert and prevent Parkinson's.  But for the most part, it's not healthy.  

Also smoking was a nice excuse to get outside more.  I would always sense God saying to me, "You know you can sit outside Without smoking right?" And I would be like, "Yeah that's true."

The appeal with smoking began with me way back when I was 12.  I smoked because all the older kids in my town did and I wanted to appear older.  I always couldn't Wait to grow up and be an adult.  So I did it to look older and cool.  Now when I picked up smoking again a year ago I did it to feel young again. lol.  

I might as well write about smoking pot too.  I have only smoked pot 4 times in my life.  2 times at age 16 with a boyfriend and 2 times about a year ago.  Each time I was thinking, "What is the point?"  You don't really remember much from when you are high so what is the point of getting high?  I have also not cared much about it because I don't want to break the law.  I try to be a law abiding citizen as much as possible.  Therefore, pot has never appealed to me that much. If I ever move to Colorado maybe I would smoke it, but not when I live in any state where it's illegal.  I don't think I would enjoy prison much. :)

So that has been my journey with smoking.  I have never tried any hard drugs.  I wrote about drinking in my last blog.  I have always tried to be a one drink person. 

Mostly I just listen to music and write to de-stress.  That has worked best for me for about 29 years now so that has been nice. :) 

God bless!

Alcohol

 I have had a love hate relationship with alcohol my whole life.  When I was 13 I got super drunk with some friends for my birthday.  My older brother's friend unfortunately had tons of alcohol that he gave to me and my friends.  I got to so drunk that I threw up all over my blanket when I got home.  I vowed to myself that night to never drink that much again. I always was glad that I learned my lesson on that young.  I pretty much stayed away from alcohol completely for the next 9 years.  After college I went to dance clubs with friends and I would have one drink but that was always it.  

Then when I was 25 my first true love was an alcoholic.  I drank with him a few times but mostly he drank by himself after I would go to sleep.  I could never understand why getting drunk appealed to him so much.  I have never enjoyed drinking much.  I hate throwing up after drinking too much so I usually stop at one drink.  He would drink about 10 to 12 beers at a time.  One night we had a big fight when he came home super drunk.  I almost left him the next day to move 5 states away with my mom.  But then I couldn't leave him.  I felt like it would have been like chopping my arm off.  So I stayed, and he promised to not drink anymore.  He held to that promise, until a year later, the night he died and he went out drinking with a co-worker.  

After that I had a big fear of alcohol and how powerful it could be.  

I found some comfort in alcohol after my ex husband left me 1.5 years ago.  It does help to numb pain at times.  

Then recently I found a bar that I enjoyed going to so I have had fun going there a few times a week and getting like 2 or 3 beers each time.  One night I had 5.  I realized that my drinking has increased since I started working at my pizza store.  It can get stressful working there so drinking more now makes sense.  

Now I am back to stopping at one drink.  The hangover the next day is never worth the extra fun you might get to have the night before.  

If you struggle with drinking I hope you can find other ways to relax and other ways to forget your pain. Often times we run away from our pain, but we need to turn around and look at it dead in the face and deal with it.  Stop running away from your past.  Deal with it. Face it.  Grieve over it completely so that you can move on.  

I am now trying to quit smoking and I believe I can do it. :)  I just keep saying to myself, "If I think it's easy, it will be." 

Pray for me.  Thanks all!  May God bless you!

Myself

 Lastly I will write about myself.  The most important relationship you have is actually the relationship you have with yourself, because you cannot escape yourself. What do I think about myself?  I think I can be very lazy at times and I despise that about myself.  The only thing I don't want to be more then anything else is lazy.  I wish I worked harder then I do, but I'm proud of myself when I do work hard.  

I wish I had achieved more at my age then I have.  I had wanted to have a book published by now. 
That was my main goal for life when I was young.  I had thought I would have become a millionaire by now, somehow.  My goals for myself are a bit overly big, I know. :)

I think I am relatively attractive, but I always wish I was prettier.  I wish I could look like Julia Roberts. Mainly I wish I didn't have to wear glasses.  I wish my bottom teeth were more straight.  I wish I didn't have the bags under my eyes that seem to run in my family. I sometimes wish I was skinnier, but then I think it's silly that society says all women should be a size 3.  Some women just weren't built that way. 

I am proud of myself with how confident I come off as most of the time, despite the insecurities I have.  No one would know I feel insecure about myself, because I generally come off as very strong and competent.  

I suppose I am happy overall with myself, how I look and how I act.  

I think I generally treat people very well, and I always have.  I am happy with myself about that. :) 

I admire myself for my athletic ability.  Any sport I have tried I have done well at.  I like how I sing for the most part.  I wish I could sing better, like Christina Aguilera, but I feel that I am good enough. :)

I am proud of myself for my relationship with God.  I talk to him 24/7 and I greatly enjoy my relationship with Him.  I genuinely feel that no one I have known has cared about God as much as I do.  

I have, at times, been mad that God made me a woman, because if I was a man I could have been a pastor, and I think I would have made a great pastor. 

I also have hated being a woman at times because of all the attention from guys that I get that I don't want.  Depending on the guy, but most guys I don't want attention from.  It seems the ones I don't want to give me attention, do, and the ones who don't give me attention are the ones I want it from. Ah life...

Most men are dogs and it isn't easy at times to be an attractive woman.  But that is why I don't do things to make myself more attractive then I already am.  Like I have never cared for make up much or attractive clothes.  I always try to look simple, because I Don't Want to attract any extra attention to myself. 

I admire myself for my intelligence.  I think I am the wisest person I have ever known.  I know that seems arrogant, but that is actually how I feel about myself. :)  Of course I had to experience a very hard life to gain that wisdom, so it came at a price. 

And that is me in a nutshell.  You should write your own self-analysis essay.  :)  If you want.

May God bless you!

My Ex Husband

I am therapeutically writing about all the most important people in my life. The last most significant relationship in my life was my ex husband.  We were married for 7 years.  There was magic at the beginning for us.  I messaged him through a dating website, plenty of fish.com.  He called me and read to me some poems he had written about God saving America.  I cried while he was reading it but he couldn't hear me.  I was thinking "Wow I finally found a Christian guy, and a writer like me!  Amazing!" We met for lunch the next day.  I felt like he seemed really awkward and nervous so I wasn't sure about him overall, but I could tell he had a very good heart.  Our next meet up was at his apartment.  We made out, a lot. :)  He lifted his hand up at one point and said "We need a minister!" lol So I took him seriously and said, "Ok let's get married."  We got married a week later. :) It seems rushed, but I felt like I knew he was the one. He was everything I had ever wanted in a guy.  He was super tall, in great shape, a great smile, basketball player, pretty eyes, a writer, Christian, funny, a good driver and just generally very nice.  At least he seemed nice at first.  He had his own apartment.  He seemed perfect. The ONLY problem was that he was Pentecostal and I was raised Baptist.  I realized this about a month after we were married. If you are Christian, you know Baptists and Pentecostals pretty much hate each other, sadly, due to disagreements over the spiritual gifts.  So we struggled with that almost our Entire 7 years of marriage.  He always wanted me to pray in tongues.  I thought praying in tongues was stupid, which is quite funny since now I pray in tongues.  I got the gift about a year before we separated.  I thought he would be happy I finally got tongues, but instead he went crazy after that.  I don't know if it was religious jealousy that made him crazy or what.  Because before I got it, he always thought he was better then me because he prayed in tongues, but then we became on the same level.  Maybe he couldn't handle that, I don't know.  

He always saw Christians who prayed in tongues as "anointed" and "spirit filled" and about 20 times better then other Christians.  He prided himself on his self-perceived elevated status a LOT our entire marriage. But then I had the gift and he wasn't special anymore.  I started making tons of You Tube teaching videos, like mini sermons.  He liked them all, but I think he was secretly jealous that I had so much time to do things like that for God.  I was a stay at home mom, so I had lots of time to do things like that. He worked 60 hours a week to provide for us and our two daughters, so he had little free time.  But I think it wasn't just about time but also courage.  I had the courage to do that and he didn't. He was scared of almost everything and anything, our entire marriage.  He had tons of social anxiety. So I think he mainly became jealous of my confidence toward the end of our marriage.  He started considering me his enemy. I never could figure out why.  He always thought I was cheating on him, which I never did.  I think he was simply pushing me away because he felt he didn't deserve me anymore.  He complained to his mom and younger sister about me All the time, even though there wasn't much to complain about, but he would make up stuff about me.  

 Now he is living with his mom.  He has wanted me back, but I am done.  I have never been so betrayed by anyone in my life.  I have never had someone gossip about me so much and turn so many people against me.  He even turned my own mom and older brother against me, so when he left me I literally had No One except my best friend Ashley on my side.  I think it would be impossible for me to ever love him or trust him again.  Totally impossible.  God keeps telling me he is still crazy and that he will always be crazy.  I don't know why, but it is what it is.  

To any who have been through a divorce, I just want to say, I know how you feel and don't feel guilty.  Sometimes divorces are necessary just so you can have peace.  Don't stay in a toxic relationship if you know you shouldn't.  You deserve to have peace. 

God bless!

My Mom

 For any interested here is some about my mom. She was always very, very cold. I never knew my mom loved me, like my entire life until still currently. She probably never should have had kids. She is very selfish. She thinks she is a queen and that the rest of the world needs to bow down to her. She has struggled with clinical depression her whole life, but I know it's just because she is so selfish. She is in love with herself and she can't, or won't, love anyone else. She says she is Christian but I have always been pretty sure she isn't. She has been suicidal for the past year. I think because she feels so bad that she married my step dad and he was messing with my daughter. She would rather kill herself then live alone I guess. I know she knows that she should leave him but she won't.

On a positive note, I have her to thank for raising me in church and I'm glad she did. That was the one good thing she did was that she made me go to church every Sunday and Wednesday. There isn't much else she has done that was good, sadly. She has only brought significant stress to my life almost my entire life. I have only talked to her like 3 times on the phone in the past year, but that has been good. I very much needed to distance myself from her.

My grandma, her mom, was raised in an orphanage from age 3 to 18 so that messed my grandma up a lot, and I've always figured that's why my mom has so many problems. Of course my mom having to go through my dad sexually molesting me as a kid messed her up a lot too. I wish my mom and I could have a good friendship, but we have never really been able to.

Pray for my mom please. Thanks all!

My Dad and Brother

This might help some of you in some way.....

Here are things about my dad, who was a child molester most of his life.  He was super critical. He used to correct me and my brother's grammar all the time. He wrote my brother a horrible letter when Nate was in his teens literally telling him he was worthless etc. because he was gothic and kept changing jobs etc. My dad was always nice to me cuz I was his princess. I suppose my whole life, from the time I was born, my dad had a crush on me, which is really weird, but I guess he struggled with a lot of demons. The last time I talked to my dad was when I was 21, so that was 14 years ago. He was always kind of verbally abusive.

He wanted me to call him every Sunday, so I did from the time I was 14 to age 21. My mom and I had moved away from him when I was 14, from Nebraska to California, so it was good I got that distance. So every Sunday we would "talk." He never asked me about my life. It would just be him talking about random crap for like an hour. I guess that's why I almost never talk on the phone now cuz he kind of ruined that for me. :( So overall my dad was really messed up.

My older brother had the nickname "psycho" for awhile in our town in Nebraska. He used to steal my mom's car at night and go over to girls' houses a lot. He got a girl pregnant when he was 19 and she was like 16. He proposed after he found out she was pregnant, but she didn't want anything to do with him. I don't know why. She then made his life hell with barely letting him see his son. It is still tense between them sadly. He is engaged now to a great girl. She is very nice. They met in the National Guard about 5 years ago. Overall my older brother is really nice and I miss him. He lives in Nebraska. I have thought several times of moving up there with Nate and his fiance but haven't yet.

I always wished I had a sister. But it was nice having an older brother to always watch out for me. He was more like my dad then my dad was. In many ways, my older brother was basically my dad. He gave me my first car, my first big stereo, my first ipod etc. He was the best big brother a girl could have asked for. :)

It really is sad how mean my dad was to him his entire life cuz Nate always had a really, really good heart. He deserved to have a MUCH better dad then he did. So did I too of course. But shit happens.

Pray for my brother Nate please. That the rest of his life will be very happy. Thanks all. :)

Shit Happens

Most of my life I have tried to serve God in any way I can.  I have given God 110% of every second of every day for the past 21 years of being saved. I am 35 now and I got saved at 14. I don't believe in taking one minute off with God.  I give God my all 24/7.  So then Satan has tried to come against me and make my life super hard in any way he can.  There are cases when hard times we go through are things we bring on ourselves, but other times it is out of the blue and you know it has to be Satan messing with you.  

Like this morning I saw my good friend have a seizure.  She fell from a standing position and possibly hit her head on cement.  I was driving up to pick her up so I wasn't able to catch her. She is pregnant and I don't remember if she landed on her side or on her stomach.  It was just as traumatizing for me as if I would have seen a pregnant woman get shot with a gun.  I was very shaken up after that.  I kept thinking, "Why did God let that happen to her?  Why did God let me see that?  Haven't I been through enough?  Why doesn't she take better care of herself and eat more and take her meds on time so that won't happen to her? Why does she let her life be so stressful so she keeps having seizures?"  

But shit happens. Right?  There isn't much we can do about life sometimes.  Sometimes, shit happens. There wasn't any way we could have prevented it. There isn't any solution for it.  We can't control it.  We can't stop it.  We can't change it.  We just have to accept it and try to recover. 

My Messed Up Life

 I have been hurt by guys a lot. But I have also hurt guys a lot. I know with my first true love at age 25 I took a lot of the anger I had at my dad out on him. My dad sexually abused me for 6 years as a kid.  I also had a lot of anger at my step dad. My step dad used to always check me out, like he would look at my boobs any time I was around him. I had never wanted my mom to marry him but she did anyways. She wouldn't listen to me and I've been pissed about that for the past 17 years honestly. He was accused by his ex wife of molesting their son years ago.  He always said she just made it up, but I was always unsure about him.  He then was messing with my oldest daughter sexually about 2 years ago. She was 5 years old at the time. That was one reason for me and my ex husband divorcing, which is still in process. Granted he was mad that my step dad would do stuff like that. I was mad at my mom for being clueless that stuff was happening. It was when I was working and they were babysitting my daughters. My mom said he would go in a room with Serenity and the door would be shut. So I have been mad about her stupidity this past year and a half. If/when I have kids again I never again want either my mom or my step dad to be around my kids. 

 My dad is currently in prison. He has two more years to serve for molesting his step grandkids.  

My ex husband got Schizophrenia and left me 1.5 years ago. My current boyfriend rented a room from me about a month after my ex moved out. He has been a good friend and has gotten me through this hard time.  I might never see my two daughters again because essentially my ex in laws stole them from me.

But one reason I haven't gotten to see my daughters for a year is that I told my ex if I ever get the girls again I will make sure he and his parents never get to see them again, because they are totally crazy. My plan was to take my girls up to my brother's house in Nebraska, and they don't know where his place is. But I don't want to put that burden on Nate of either providing for us or babysitting so I can work. So I have made peace with letting go of my daughters, until they are 12 and they can decide which parent they want to live with. They are well cared for there in Odessa. They have each other at least. Please all, pray that the insanity that my ex and his mom have won't rub off on them at all. At least my ex's dad is sane and normal so that is good. My daughter, ex and his parents all live together. Mainly it's just that Ben and his mom have tons of anxiety. They seem mostly normal, but they just worry incessantly about anything and everything and I just couldn't be around that anymore. A spirit of fear, they both have a hardcore issue with a spirit of fear.

I told my ex about a month before he moved out, "I give up. I don't know how to help you." He was scared of everything. He thought his phone was getting hacked. He thought cars were following him everywhere he went and that people were trying to kill him. Any time I prayed about it God was telling me it was all just in his head and he was just paranoid. He couldn't work anymore cuz his paranoia got too strong. I was thinking all of us could have lived with his parents but his parents blame me for him going crazy and it seems they hate me. I have no idea why. It wasn't my fault. Other then me spending too much money, which may have been the straw that broke the camels back. But otherwise we had, what seemed like, a perfect marriage and a perfect family, but then Ben's brain just got broken for no reason. It came out of nowhere. It was like his arm randomly got cut off but it was like part of his brain got cut off. He is on meds now but God is telling me he will always be crazy.

Those 7 years before he went crazy were the happiest years of my life. I loved being a mom. I loved everything about my life. But Satan stole it all away from me. It was like a Job experience in the Bible where he lost everything. We had a perfect house, a perfect family and then the insanity storm just hit out of no where and I have been trying to recover from that this past year.

Another possible cause of Ben's insanity is that his ex wife cheated on him their whole 2 years of marriage. It made Ben go crazy when he was 27 so he had a relapse of insanity when he was with me. He couldn't help but assume that I would do the same thing to him. But I never ever cheated on him. I have never been cheated on, other then Ben looking at porn, so that has been nice. That is why I am generally as happy as I am.

And I am as happy as I am because I have always had God.  God has gotten me through all these insane storms in my life.  The waves have been choppy many times for me, but he has provided me with a strong boat so I wouldn't get shipwrecked.  Praise God! :)  I love him so much for getting me through all those times and that is why I would do anything for him, and I will do anything for him.  I can't imagine having to get through all that without God.  

If you don't know God, please get to know him.  He loves you more then you will ever realize.  You may think he doesn't care because he lets you suffer, but he does.  God loves you very much!

May God bless you all!