I think my recent friend breakup, and we were Just friends for any wondering, with my former boss reminded me of my anger toward my ex husband, which I have just kind of stuffed for the past 6 months.
The situation with my ex husband was incredibly messed up, him leaving and letting himself go crazy over the past year. We had several fights the 3 months before he left and I kept trying to spiritually correct him. I kept saying, "The issue is that you are talking to demons More then you talk to. You are gossiping about me with demons." I knew exactly what this was like because that happened to me with the guy I was with before Ben. Satan or demons would totally whisper in my ear that he was a bad guy and that I shouldn't trust him but he was a good guy. I knew it was all Satan lying to me and giving me a spirit of fear but I didn't know how to overcome the lies being spoken to me.
Satan is called "the accuser of the brethren" in the Bible, so he accuses others to us, in our own minds, to try to turn us against them. Satan hates love and unity. He tries to divide and conquer by keeping us as isolated as he can cuz isolated sheep are the easiest to kill. :(
If we let that go on, these evil thoughts about another, a stronghold is built that is hard to get over, which was the case with my ex husband. He dwelled on the thoughts so much that I was a cheater, which I wasn't, that it became a stronghold in his mind. He considered me commenting on Facebook and just responding to guy's comments as me cheating. Pretty nuts for sure. But I guess that just showed how much he loved me. He loved me so much that it made him crazy. That even me talking to guys in that way made him crazy.
I know with my current boyfriend he was worried at first that I would make him go crazy too lol. Hopefully I never would. :) And a guy I had talked to about it all said, "Is your stuff that good that you made this boy go crazy?" I was like "What do you mean?" But yes essentially it was that Ben was that much in love with me that he went crazy because of it. But I didn't feel the same way.
After Ben told me 6 months ago that he has looked at porn our whole marriage I definitely turned my heart off to him and I lost pretty much all the respect I had for him spiritually and felt cold toward him physically. It didn't help that every job he tried to do wasn't working out either. He tried a Cement Truck driving job but couldn't get it down. Then one night he had some beers with a neighbor, slept through his alarm the next morning and they fired him. That job might have worked but then that definitely made it not work out. So then that made me even more mad at his drinking and smoking etc. He would drink a glass of Sangria every night. I didn't like it much. And he smoked out whole marriage about a half pack a day, which got expensive. He would bash me about buying things on Amazon but I felt like if he got to enjoy smoking then I got to enjoy buying random fun things on Amazon. I tried to limit myself to $10 a day, which we could mostly afford because he made a lot as a Fuel Truck Driver. But then I got a credit card and it got a little out of hand. The credit card stressed him out a ton for sure, as it probably should have. I should have never gotten it.
I remember when I met Ben he wasn't a smoker and started about 2 months after we got married and I felt so robbed. I said to him, "If I had known you were a smoker I never would have married you. I would never marry a smoker." But he just kept smoking. He said it was my fault because I stressed him out. Whatever. He could have used other coping skills to deal with his stress. Of course now, ironically, I'm smoking to deal with the stress of him being gone, but that's besides the point lol. But also I actually picked up smoking after he left in an attempt to understand him. I wanted to do it myself so I would stop judging him for doing it. And I do mostly understand the appeal of it now so that's good. But now I think about wanting to smoke all the time so my sociological experiment maybe wasn't a good one. lol.
Anyways, life is hard but God gets us through it. God certainly has sustained my mental soundness through all this so praise God. I never went crazy even though Ben did. Miracle right there. :)
Life is very, very hard at times. I love the song "So Much For my Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne. That is my main song for my ex husband and now somewhat for my former boss who I was hoping to be with. I still think in the future there is a possibility that dream might be fulfilled, but only God knows. :) For now I am trying to forget about him. Trying would be the key word. lol
There is still a possibility that my family can be reunited and Ben can stop being crazy and things could go back to how they were. I would have to fully forgive him for looking at porn though, which maybe that would be to hard. I think I have forgiven him, but trusting him again would be hard.
It's easy for us to get our hopes up about things and life and having a perfect family but then Satan comes in and messes it all up. That is what happened with my ex husband and I'm really tired of Satan messing up all my possible happy endings, but it is what it is.
Pray for me. And don't worry I'll be ok. :) Thanks all! God bless :)
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