My Best Friend

I met my best friend Ashley when I was 14.  We have been best friends for 21 years.  That is one of my greatest accomplishments in life, just staying in touch with her for that long. :)  Ashley and I have never had a fight, so that helps. :)  I suppose it's because we respect each other so much. 

For any wondering, Ashley and I have never kissed and there is zero lesbian attraction for us. We have always just been friends, praise God. lol.

  We met at church on a Wednesday night service and there was an instant connection.  I gave her my number and we started hanging out after school every day.  Over the years I have called her about once a month and we talk for hours when we talk.  I still text her almost every day.  She has been my rock that has gotten me through my life.  If I didn't have Ashley honestly I would probably be in prison by now or I would have killed myself by now.  Like for real.  My life has been crazy times 10.  

It Really helps to have a close friend to get you through life.  I stay alive for her and maybe she stays alive for me.  Although she is much stronger then me and I don't think she has ever wanted to end her life. 

She is epileptic. I remember telling her years ago, "If I had seizures like you I would have jumped off a bridge by now."  I admire her strength a lot, that she hasn't jumped off a bridge by now.  Maybe I keep thinking, subconsciously at least, that if she is still going strong in life then I can too.  

We encourage each other a lot.  I admire her ability to stay away from guys and be independent.  And she admires my daring heart that takes risks in love as much as I can.  She keeps my feet on the ground more and I think I inspire her to fly more. :) Opposites attract and she definitely is more reason and I am more emotion.  She is the brain and I am the heart. Every brain needs a heart friend to inspire them.  And every heart needs a brain friend to keep them thinking logically.  

I would have messed up my life SO much by now if it weren't for Ashley's wise counsel.  She is the wisest person I have ever known.  Even wiser then my mom, which is funny since Ashley is two years younger then me.  I suppose she literally has always been more like my mom then even my mom, because she is so mature.  Her seizures have made her wise beyond her years I think.  And just all the things she went through in life.  She grew up in Vegas and both her parents were heroine addicts.  She then moved in with her older cousin and his wife at age 9.  He was about 25 at the time. He was a super great guy and was on staff at our church.  She helped them raise their 3 kids.  It is good she had that time of helping raise kids because she might never be able to have kids because she is epileptic, at least her doctor definitely recommends that she doesn't.  But it helps that she has no interest in having kids.  Probably because she feels she already kind of was a mom for her cousins.  

Ashley is the only person I gave driving lessons to.  She finally got her license about 3 years ago at age 30.  Since then she has been in 3 major accidents.  Pray for her about that. :(  

She has had a hard time with love.  Mainly she doesn't trust guys so she has no interest in finding love.  I feel bad for her because I feel like she is missing out, but then again I also feel she is very smart, because love sure can break your heart. 

She loves hearing about all my crazy love adventures though.  Maybe she lives vicariously through me.  

The more she doesn't take risks in love, the more I want to.  But I'm sure the more I take risks in love, the more she doesn't want to, because she sees how much it hurts me.  She is very smart.  :) Or is she?....lol

Ashley and I have certainly been there for each other through every storm in life.  I can't imagine my life without her and I'm So thankful that I have had her as a friend all these years.  Go Ashley!

I hope you all have a friend like that too.  God bless :)

Seize the Day

Are you tired of hiding?  Are you tired of doing nothing? Why don't you take some risks in life? 

Reach out.  Get out.  Live your life.  Don't keep yourself in a cage all the time.  Seize the day.  Be bold and shine. 

Fall in love.  Take the risk.  Love someone with your whole heart. Hold nothing back. 

Do what you love, even if others think it's silly.  Sing any song you want to.  Be playful. Have fun.

The older we get, the more we think we need to be serious all the time.  We forget how to have fun.  We get so uptight and bottled up.  We think mature people are supposed to be serious all the time. I'm pretty sure that is just depressed people, rather then mature people. 

To be depressed isn't mature, it's just being depressed. :)

Depression, like fear, is very inhibiting. As long as you are full of fear or depression you cannot be free. You are in a cage.  Satan would love to keep you in that cage because it renders you useless to society and to those who love you.  

Aren't you tired of being stuck in a cage? Don't you want to break free? 

Seize the day.  Do what you have always wanted to do, and don't ask for permission from anyone to do it.  

Live your life. 

Time Well Spent

 I have always had a hard time understanding men love drinking or getting high so much.  I don't get why men love to sit and watch football for several hours at a time.  I never understood how men can sit and play a video game for hours and hours either.  

But I guess it's just hard to figure out what to do with life sometimes.  Not many people know what their calling is; why they were created.  What were we created to do with all our time? 

So many people just waste time in any way they can.  I heard a great quote, "You cannot waste time without killing eternity."  This could relate to our rewards in heaven.  If you kill time and aren't investing in your calling from God for your life, this will diminish your rewards in heaven.  Jesus says we will have to give an account for every idle word we speak.  Maybe we will have to explain every minute we wasted doing stupid things as well.  

Every minute of your life matters.  Most don't realize that, but it does.  It could matter to someone else.  Get your mind off yourself for one second.  Who else could be blessed by you talking to them for the next few minutes?

Your life isn't just about you.  You weren't just created for yourself.  You were created to bless others.  To help make others happy.  To help make God happy.  

I know it seems like God doesn't need anything from us, but he does very much want for us to be happy.  Go make someone happy today.  Do something or say something that would make someone else happy.  

You do not exist only for yourself.  Be a blessing to someone else today. :)

Life Sadness

 My predominant feeling 24/7 is of sadness over life.  My life, the lives of others, people who probably won't go to heaven.... I feel sad almost constantly over these things.  I suppose God puts this feeling in me so I will remember to pray for everyone I feel sad over.  It is overwhelming sometimes how sad life can be. 

So many people are so often lonely.  And then when we aren't lonely we don't entirely know what to say to the people in our lives.  When we are alone we want people to be around, but then sometimes when  people are around we want to just be alone. 

We get tired of how much others hurt us.  And we feel sad a lot over how much and how easily we hurt others.  Then we think, we probably should just be alone most of the time, because the more we are alone, the less we can hurt anyone.

I remember toward the end of my time with my ex husband and two daughters I said to Ben one day, "I just feel like you all would be better off without me."  Those words seemed to echo into reality a month after that.  

I said that because I was tired of me and Ben fighting.  He kept accusing me of cheating on him, which I wasn't, and I would get mad when he wouldn't believe me that I wasn't. 

We all crave more human interaction, but we are afraid of it at the same time.  You never know what someone else will say or what you will say.  We don't trust the demons in others, and we don't trust the demons in ourselves.  So we hide in our houses.  We hide behind our TV's or video games or our phones.  We keep people at a distance in order to stay safe.  We hold people at arm's length so we won't get hurt as much.  

But then you feel lonely all the time, and you don't know what the solution is.  

The solution is to stop being afraid all the time. 

Get out. Reach out. And go live life.  

God bless!

Celebrate Your Recovery

 When you are trying to quit a bad habit, it is key to stay positive.  Focus more on how much better you feel then you much you miss the substance that you are quitting.  

Most likely your body feels a ton better.  Focus on that.  

Any time thoughts come up about how much you miss the substance, take a nap, sit out in the sun, eat a fun snack.  You might only Think you are craving the substance, but really you are just hungry or tired.

Reward yourself for little victories.  As children we got candy for doing chores etc.  Give yourself candy for every 3 hours of victory in staying away from the substance. :)

Mostly you have to shift in your thinking about how you perceive yourself.  You have to realize you are stronger then you thought you were before. You DO have the strength to resist it.

You need to see the truth, that do not Need that substance to have peace or joy.  You can have joy without it. 

You need to see the truth that your life is better without that substance.  And that truth will set you free. :)

  

Smoking

 I can't seem to stop thinking about smoking so I might as well write about it.  I have now gone 48 hours without a cigarette. Woot!  I am very proud of myself.  I have noticed that my stomach pain has gone away.  I always thought my almost constant stomach pain was from drinking coffee and that hurt my stomach, but no, it was the smoking. 

It seems like an excellent diet plan because often times when you are hungry you can just smoke a cigarette and you are good.  That was the main part of the appeal for me, because I have never enjoyed eating very much.  Except the Christmas butter cookies you can get in those blue tins.  I enjoy eating those. :) But most food I'm just like whatever.  It doesn't have much appeal to me.  I eat because I have to, not because I want to.  So with smoking it was an easy way to fill my stomach without eating.  But it's not healthy, obviously.  Although I did read that smoking can make you feel more alert and prevent Parkinson's.  But for the most part, it's not healthy.  

Also smoking was a nice excuse to get outside more.  I would always sense God saying to me, "You know you can sit outside Without smoking right?" And I would be like, "Yeah that's true."

The appeal with smoking began with me way back when I was 12.  I smoked because all the older kids in my town did and I wanted to appear older.  I always couldn't Wait to grow up and be an adult.  So I did it to look older and cool.  Now when I picked up smoking again a year ago I did it to feel young again. lol.  

I might as well write about smoking pot too.  I have only smoked pot 4 times in my life.  2 times at age 16 with a boyfriend and 2 times about a year ago.  Each time I was thinking, "What is the point?"  You don't really remember much from when you are high so what is the point of getting high?  I have also not cared much about it because I don't want to break the law.  I try to be a law abiding citizen as much as possible.  Therefore, pot has never appealed to me that much. If I ever move to Colorado maybe I would smoke it, but not when I live in any state where it's illegal.  I don't think I would enjoy prison much. :)

So that has been my journey with smoking.  I have never tried any hard drugs.  I wrote about drinking in my last blog.  I have always tried to be a one drink person. 

Mostly I just listen to music and write to de-stress.  That has worked best for me for about 29 years now so that has been nice. :) 

God bless!

Alcohol

 I have had a love hate relationship with alcohol my whole life.  When I was 13 I got super drunk with some friends for my birthday.  My older brother's friend unfortunately had tons of alcohol that he gave to me and my friends.  I got to so drunk that I threw up all over my blanket when I got home.  I vowed to myself that night to never drink that much again. I always was glad that I learned my lesson on that young.  I pretty much stayed away from alcohol completely for the next 9 years.  After college I went to dance clubs with friends and I would have one drink but that was always it.  

Then when I was 25 my first true love was an alcoholic.  I drank with him a few times but mostly he drank by himself after I would go to sleep.  I could never understand why getting drunk appealed to him so much.  I have never enjoyed drinking much.  I hate throwing up after drinking too much so I usually stop at one drink.  He would drink about 10 to 12 beers at a time.  One night we had a big fight when he came home super drunk.  I almost left him the next day to move 5 states away with my mom.  But then I couldn't leave him.  I felt like it would have been like chopping my arm off.  So I stayed, and he promised to not drink anymore.  He held to that promise, until a year later, the night he died and he went out drinking with a co-worker.  

After that I had a big fear of alcohol and how powerful it could be.  

I found some comfort in alcohol after my ex husband left me 1.5 years ago.  It does help to numb pain at times.  

Then recently I found a bar that I enjoyed going to so I have had fun going there a few times a week and getting like 2 or 3 beers each time.  One night I had 5.  I realized that my drinking has increased since I started working at my pizza store.  It can get stressful working there so drinking more now makes sense.  

Now I am back to stopping at one drink.  The hangover the next day is never worth the extra fun you might get to have the night before.  

If you struggle with drinking I hope you can find other ways to relax and other ways to forget your pain. Often times we run away from our pain, but we need to turn around and look at it dead in the face and deal with it.  Stop running away from your past.  Deal with it. Face it.  Grieve over it completely so that you can move on.  

I am now trying to quit smoking and I believe I can do it. :)  I just keep saying to myself, "If I think it's easy, it will be." 

Pray for me.  Thanks all!  May God bless you!

Myself

 Lastly I will write about myself.  The most important relationship you have is actually the relationship you have with yourself, because you cannot escape yourself. What do I think about myself?  I think I can be very lazy at times and I despise that about myself.  The only thing I don't want to be more then anything else is lazy.  I wish I worked harder then I do, but I'm proud of myself when I do work hard.  

I wish I had achieved more at my age then I have.  I had wanted to have a book published by now. 
That was my main goal for life when I was young.  I had thought I would have become a millionaire by now, somehow.  My goals for myself are a bit overly big, I know. :)

I think I am relatively attractive, but I always wish I was prettier.  I wish I could look like Julia Roberts. Mainly I wish I didn't have to wear glasses.  I wish my bottom teeth were more straight.  I wish I didn't have the bags under my eyes that seem to run in my family. I sometimes wish I was skinnier, but then I think it's silly that society says all women should be a size 3.  Some women just weren't built that way. 

I am proud of myself with how confident I come off as most of the time, despite the insecurities I have.  No one would know I feel insecure about myself, because I generally come off as very strong and competent.  

I suppose I am happy overall with myself, how I look and how I act.  

I think I generally treat people very well, and I always have.  I am happy with myself about that. :) 

I admire myself for my athletic ability.  Any sport I have tried I have done well at.  I like how I sing for the most part.  I wish I could sing better, like Christina Aguilera, but I feel that I am good enough. :)

I am proud of myself for my relationship with God.  I talk to him 24/7 and I greatly enjoy my relationship with Him.  I genuinely feel that no one I have known has cared about God as much as I do.  

I have, at times, been mad that God made me a woman, because if I was a man I could have been a pastor, and I think I would have made a great pastor. 

I also have hated being a woman at times because of all the attention from guys that I get that I don't want.  Depending on the guy, but most guys I don't want attention from.  It seems the ones I don't want to give me attention, do, and the ones who don't give me attention are the ones I want it from. Ah life...

Most men are dogs and it isn't easy at times to be an attractive woman.  But that is why I don't do things to make myself more attractive then I already am.  Like I have never cared for make up much or attractive clothes.  I always try to look simple, because I Don't Want to attract any extra attention to myself. 

I admire myself for my intelligence.  I think I am the wisest person I have ever known.  I know that seems arrogant, but that is actually how I feel about myself. :)  Of course I had to experience a very hard life to gain that wisdom, so it came at a price. 

And that is me in a nutshell.  You should write your own self-analysis essay.  :)  If you want.

May God bless you!

My Ex Husband

I am therapeutically writing about all the most important people in my life. The last most significant relationship in my life was my ex husband.  We were married for 7 years.  There was magic at the beginning for us.  I messaged him through a dating website, plenty of fish.com.  He called me and read to me some poems he had written about God saving America.  I cried while he was reading it but he couldn't hear me.  I was thinking "Wow I finally found a Christian guy, and a writer like me!  Amazing!" We met for lunch the next day.  I felt like he seemed really awkward and nervous so I wasn't sure about him overall, but I could tell he had a very good heart.  Our next meet up was at his apartment.  We made out, a lot. :)  He lifted his hand up at one point and said "We need a minister!" lol So I took him seriously and said, "Ok let's get married."  We got married a week later. :) It seems rushed, but I felt like I knew he was the one. He was everything I had ever wanted in a guy.  He was super tall, in great shape, a great smile, basketball player, pretty eyes, a writer, Christian, funny, a good driver and just generally very nice.  At least he seemed nice at first.  He had his own apartment.  He seemed perfect. The ONLY problem was that he was Pentecostal and I was raised Baptist.  I realized this about a month after we were married. If you are Christian, you know Baptists and Pentecostals pretty much hate each other, sadly, due to disagreements over the spiritual gifts.  So we struggled with that almost our Entire 7 years of marriage.  He always wanted me to pray in tongues.  I thought praying in tongues was stupid, which is quite funny since now I pray in tongues.  I got the gift about a year before we separated.  I thought he would be happy I finally got tongues, but instead he went crazy after that.  I don't know if it was religious jealousy that made him crazy or what.  Because before I got it, he always thought he was better then me because he prayed in tongues, but then we became on the same level.  Maybe he couldn't handle that, I don't know.  

He always saw Christians who prayed in tongues as "anointed" and "spirit filled" and about 20 times better then other Christians.  He prided himself on his self-perceived elevated status a LOT our entire marriage. But then I had the gift and he wasn't special anymore.  I started making tons of You Tube teaching videos, like mini sermons.  He liked them all, but I think he was secretly jealous that I had so much time to do things like that for God.  I was a stay at home mom, so I had lots of time to do things like that. He worked 60 hours a week to provide for us and our two daughters, so he had little free time.  But I think it wasn't just about time but also courage.  I had the courage to do that and he didn't. He was scared of almost everything and anything, our entire marriage.  He had tons of social anxiety. So I think he mainly became jealous of my confidence toward the end of our marriage.  He started considering me his enemy. I never could figure out why.  He always thought I was cheating on him, which I never did.  I think he was simply pushing me away because he felt he didn't deserve me anymore.  He complained to his mom and younger sister about me All the time, even though there wasn't much to complain about, but he would make up stuff about me.  

 Now he is living with his mom.  He has wanted me back, but I am done.  I have never been so betrayed by anyone in my life.  I have never had someone gossip about me so much and turn so many people against me.  He even turned my own mom and older brother against me, so when he left me I literally had No One except my best friend Ashley on my side.  I think it would be impossible for me to ever love him or trust him again.  Totally impossible.  God keeps telling me he is still crazy and that he will always be crazy.  I don't know why, but it is what it is.  

To any who have been through a divorce, I just want to say, I know how you feel and don't feel guilty.  Sometimes divorces are necessary just so you can have peace.  Don't stay in a toxic relationship if you know you shouldn't.  You deserve to have peace. 

God bless!

My Mom

 For any interested here is some about my mom. She was always very, very cold. I never knew my mom loved me, like my entire life until still currently. She probably never should have had kids. She is very selfish. She thinks she is a queen and that the rest of the world needs to bow down to her. She has struggled with clinical depression her whole life, but I know it's just because she is so selfish. She is in love with herself and she can't, or won't, love anyone else. She says she is Christian but I have always been pretty sure she isn't. She has been suicidal for the past year. I think because she feels so bad that she married my step dad and he was messing with my daughter. She would rather kill herself then live alone I guess. I know she knows that she should leave him but she won't.

On a positive note, I have her to thank for raising me in church and I'm glad she did. That was the one good thing she did was that she made me go to church every Sunday and Wednesday. There isn't much else she has done that was good, sadly. She has only brought significant stress to my life almost my entire life. I have only talked to her like 3 times on the phone in the past year, but that has been good. I very much needed to distance myself from her.

My grandma, her mom, was raised in an orphanage from age 3 to 18 so that messed my grandma up a lot, and I've always figured that's why my mom has so many problems. Of course my mom having to go through my dad sexually molesting me as a kid messed her up a lot too. I wish my mom and I could have a good friendship, but we have never really been able to.

Pray for my mom please. Thanks all!

My Dad and Brother

This might help some of you in some way.....

Here are things about my dad, who was a child molester most of his life.  He was super critical. He used to correct me and my brother's grammar all the time. He wrote my brother a horrible letter when Nate was in his teens literally telling him he was worthless etc. because he was gothic and kept changing jobs etc. My dad was always nice to me cuz I was his princess. I suppose my whole life, from the time I was born, my dad had a crush on me, which is really weird, but I guess he struggled with a lot of demons. The last time I talked to my dad was when I was 21, so that was 14 years ago. He was always kind of verbally abusive.

He wanted me to call him every Sunday, so I did from the time I was 14 to age 21. My mom and I had moved away from him when I was 14, from Nebraska to California, so it was good I got that distance. So every Sunday we would "talk." He never asked me about my life. It would just be him talking about random crap for like an hour. I guess that's why I almost never talk on the phone now cuz he kind of ruined that for me. :( So overall my dad was really messed up.

My older brother had the nickname "psycho" for awhile in our town in Nebraska. He used to steal my mom's car at night and go over to girls' houses a lot. He got a girl pregnant when he was 19 and she was like 16. He proposed after he found out she was pregnant, but she didn't want anything to do with him. I don't know why. She then made his life hell with barely letting him see his son. It is still tense between them sadly. He is engaged now to a great girl. She is very nice. They met in the National Guard about 5 years ago. Overall my older brother is really nice and I miss him. He lives in Nebraska. I have thought several times of moving up there with Nate and his fiance but haven't yet.

I always wished I had a sister. But it was nice having an older brother to always watch out for me. He was more like my dad then my dad was. In many ways, my older brother was basically my dad. He gave me my first car, my first big stereo, my first ipod etc. He was the best big brother a girl could have asked for. :)

It really is sad how mean my dad was to him his entire life cuz Nate always had a really, really good heart. He deserved to have a MUCH better dad then he did. So did I too of course. But shit happens.

Pray for my brother Nate please. That the rest of his life will be very happy. Thanks all. :)

Shit Happens

Most of my life I have tried to serve God in any way I can.  I have given God 110% of every second of every day for the past 21 years of being saved. I am 35 now and I got saved at 14. I don't believe in taking one minute off with God.  I give God my all 24/7.  So then Satan has tried to come against me and make my life super hard in any way he can.  There are cases when hard times we go through are things we bring on ourselves, but other times it is out of the blue and you know it has to be Satan messing with you.  

Like this morning I saw my good friend have a seizure.  She fell from a standing position and possibly hit her head on cement.  I was driving up to pick her up so I wasn't able to catch her. She is pregnant and I don't remember if she landed on her side or on her stomach.  It was just as traumatizing for me as if I would have seen a pregnant woman get shot with a gun.  I was very shaken up after that.  I kept thinking, "Why did God let that happen to her?  Why did God let me see that?  Haven't I been through enough?  Why doesn't she take better care of herself and eat more and take her meds on time so that won't happen to her? Why does she let her life be so stressful so she keeps having seizures?"  

But shit happens. Right?  There isn't much we can do about life sometimes.  Sometimes, shit happens. There wasn't any way we could have prevented it. There isn't any solution for it.  We can't control it.  We can't stop it.  We can't change it.  We just have to accept it and try to recover. 

My Messed Up Life

 I have been hurt by guys a lot. But I have also hurt guys a lot. I know with my first true love at age 25 I took a lot of the anger I had at my dad out on him. My dad sexually abused me for 6 years as a kid.  I also had a lot of anger at my step dad. My step dad used to always check me out, like he would look at my boobs any time I was around him. I had never wanted my mom to marry him but she did anyways. She wouldn't listen to me and I've been pissed about that for the past 17 years honestly. He was accused by his ex wife of molesting their son years ago.  He always said she just made it up, but I was always unsure about him.  He then was messing with my oldest daughter sexually about 2 years ago. She was 5 years old at the time. That was one reason for me and my ex husband divorcing, which is still in process. Granted he was mad that my step dad would do stuff like that. I was mad at my mom for being clueless that stuff was happening. It was when I was working and they were babysitting my daughters. My mom said he would go in a room with Serenity and the door would be shut. So I have been mad about her stupidity this past year and a half. If/when I have kids again I never again want either my mom or my step dad to be around my kids. 

 My dad is currently in prison. He has two more years to serve for molesting his step grandkids.  

My ex husband got Schizophrenia and left me 1.5 years ago. My current boyfriend rented a room from me about a month after my ex moved out. He has been a good friend and has gotten me through this hard time.  I might never see my two daughters again because essentially my ex in laws stole them from me.

But one reason I haven't gotten to see my daughters for a year is that I told my ex if I ever get the girls again I will make sure he and his parents never get to see them again, because they are totally crazy. My plan was to take my girls up to my brother's house in Nebraska, and they don't know where his place is. But I don't want to put that burden on Nate of either providing for us or babysitting so I can work. So I have made peace with letting go of my daughters, until they are 12 and they can decide which parent they want to live with. They are well cared for there in Odessa. They have each other at least. Please all, pray that the insanity that my ex and his mom have won't rub off on them at all. At least my ex's dad is sane and normal so that is good. My daughter, ex and his parents all live together. Mainly it's just that Ben and his mom have tons of anxiety. They seem mostly normal, but they just worry incessantly about anything and everything and I just couldn't be around that anymore. A spirit of fear, they both have a hardcore issue with a spirit of fear.

I told my ex about a month before he moved out, "I give up. I don't know how to help you." He was scared of everything. He thought his phone was getting hacked. He thought cars were following him everywhere he went and that people were trying to kill him. Any time I prayed about it God was telling me it was all just in his head and he was just paranoid. He couldn't work anymore cuz his paranoia got too strong. I was thinking all of us could have lived with his parents but his parents blame me for him going crazy and it seems they hate me. I have no idea why. It wasn't my fault. Other then me spending too much money, which may have been the straw that broke the camels back. But otherwise we had, what seemed like, a perfect marriage and a perfect family, but then Ben's brain just got broken for no reason. It came out of nowhere. It was like his arm randomly got cut off but it was like part of his brain got cut off. He is on meds now but God is telling me he will always be crazy.

Those 7 years before he went crazy were the happiest years of my life. I loved being a mom. I loved everything about my life. But Satan stole it all away from me. It was like a Job experience in the Bible where he lost everything. We had a perfect house, a perfect family and then the insanity storm just hit out of no where and I have been trying to recover from that this past year.

Another possible cause of Ben's insanity is that his ex wife cheated on him their whole 2 years of marriage. It made Ben go crazy when he was 27 so he had a relapse of insanity when he was with me. He couldn't help but assume that I would do the same thing to him. But I never ever cheated on him. I have never been cheated on, other then Ben looking at porn, so that has been nice. That is why I am generally as happy as I am.

And I am as happy as I am because I have always had God.  God has gotten me through all these insane storms in my life.  The waves have been choppy many times for me, but he has provided me with a strong boat so I wouldn't get shipwrecked.  Praise God! :)  I love him so much for getting me through all those times and that is why I would do anything for him, and I will do anything for him.  I can't imagine having to get through all that without God.  

If you don't know God, please get to know him.  He loves you more then you will ever realize.  You may think he doesn't care because he lets you suffer, but he does.  God loves you very much!

May God bless you all!

Love

 Love can be painful and scary, in relationships and even friendships.  In the end we all feel it's worth it, but at times it doesn't seem worth it.  It is easier sometimes to turn your heart off and to not care about others.  The more you care about others, the more you feel their pain.  When they go through hard times then you feel like you do as well.  I remember in high school I would always say "It sucks to care."  It does sometimes.  It is much easier to not care about anyone but yourself, which is what most people choose to do.  If you care about everyone else too much it will drive you crazy.  So we all go into survival mode and just try to protect ourselves.  We try to just take care of number one, you.  But then you miss out don't you?  You miss out on good times with others.  When you give you are blessed.  People who never give anything to anyone are the most depressed people.  Of course we can also get depressed when we give too much to others too.  The key is to find the balance.  Give but don't give too much. :)

Do You Have Faith?

 This past year has been a constant roller coaster for everyone.  First my family went on a wild roller coaster ride and then the entire world did.  It almost was like what happened in my family was a foreshadowing of what would happen in the world, like God wanted to warn me.  My ex husband went crazy and became overcome with the spirit of fear.  Then the Entire World went crazy and became overwhelmed by the spirit of fear.  In both cases I was determined to not let myself become overly afraid but to Stay in Faith.  

Do you have faith? Like do you Really have faith? 

You can choose to have faith and you can choose to not have faith. Do you really believe that God's got you?  If you don't, then why not? What is the point of Not believing that God's got you? 

There may have really been someone messing with my ex husband, and there was a real virus that made tons of people sick, but does that mean we should get overcome with a spirit of fear?  Doesn't God want us to stay in faith no matter what?  To trust him.  To believe he WILL work all things together for our good.  God wants us to cling tighter to him in the hard times.  Sometimes he brings about hard times on purpose so that we will run to him more.  

When life is crazy just climb up into God's lap and ask him to hold you.  He would love to.  He loves you more then words can express.  He cares about you tons.  Even if you don't feel like he does, he does.  

God's got you.  Don't stress.  Don't worry.  Don't get overcome by a spirit of fear.  Just trust Him.  He will protect you.  He will provide for you.  You don't need to worry about a thing. ;) 

May God bless you! :)

I LOVE BIEBER

 I love Justin Bieber so much!  First of all, he is the most amazing singer I've ever heard. I remember hearing that he went to Hillsong church in NY and I thought that was super cool.  He is the only pop star going to church.  

Katy Perry was raised in a Pentecostal church but clearly she has fallen away quite a bit.  That is very sad. :(  But I love Bieber's new song Holy.  It is so cute!  

There is a series on Youtube of his story with his wife.  I hope he will make more Christian like songs that play on pop radio.  If anyone could change the world for Jesus, he could!  Go Beiber!  You are awesome! 

I think Satan made Bieber get into drugs so much because he saw the great potential he had.  He could be the next Billy Graham, like for real.  I hope he might be. I suppose in a way he is like a YouTube Billy Graham now, in a different way. :) I hope Bieber will consider preaching more.  He says some about God in interviews, but I pray that he will have the courage to say more about God.  Thank you God for blessing Bieber, and President Trump, with Tons of boldness to share the good news about you.  

Thank you God that those two powerful and very influential men will use their influence for YOU.  In Jesus' name amen! 

Love

 I felt God wanted me to write about love.  Most people think they understand love, but clearly they don't, given the way people live and how they talk to others.  The greatest way to show love to others is to respect them.  Even if you don't think someone Deserves respect, you should still respect them.  No matter how old or young they are, what gender or race they are, all people deserve respect.  We are all made in God's image and that is why every single person alive deserves respect.  God loves everyone and that's why we should as well. 

We show love the most with our words.  Compliment others.  Make them feel good.  What is the point in bringing others down and insulting them?  In the end it will only hurt you because what goes around comes around.  You will reap what you sow.  If you insult others they might insult you back or God will cause other people to insult you.  

Another thought on love is a great quote, "Those who deserve love the least, need it the most."  Why?  Because there might be something about their personality that turns others off to them, so they don't get much love from others, and that is why they need it the most. When Jesus walked the earth he loved the unlovable.  He loved those that most would not have cared about.  He showed concern for every single person, and we should too.  

A great way to show how much you love someone is by serving them.  If you are married, do their laundry and take care of the dishes or vacuuming.  Cook for them.  These things shouldn't be one sided.  Both men and women can serve each other in this way.  

So go compliment someone and serve them in some way, and God will bless you greatly for doing so.  Take care ya'll. :) 

Gluttony

Watch out for gluttony.  Those who love themselves too much tend to be gluttonous.  Those who hate themselves tend to starve themselves.  The key is to be somewhere in the middle.  Here are some good verses on the topic of gluttony:

Proverbs 23:20-21 

Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eaters of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags.

Philippians 3:19 

Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things.

Proverbs 23:2 

Put a knife to your throat if you are given to appetite.

Proverbs 25:16 

If you have found honey, eat only enough for you, lest you have your fill of it and vomit.

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple.

Psalm 78:18

They tested God in their heart by demanding the food they craved.

Deuteronomy 21:20

This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.

1 Corinthians 6:12

“All things are lawful for me,” you say, but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be enslaved by anything.

Ecclesiastes 10:17

Happy are you, O land, when your princes feast at the proper time, for strength, and not for drunkenness.

1 Corinthians 9:27

I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

Ezekiel 16:49-50

Behold, this was the guilt of Sodom: they had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy. They were haughty.

Galatians 6:7-8

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. The one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

Romans 12:1-2

Present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable.

May God bless you with the ability to take care of yourself well but also to have self-control with food. :)

5 Things that Destroy Lives

 Greed. I think greediness is the number one most ugly trait in a person. This is probably why I was never fully attracted to my ex husband, because he was very, very greedy. He essentially didn't want to share any of the money he made with me, which was always Very frustrating since I was a stay at home mom and couldn't go make my own money. Lazy people are generally very greedy, because they hate to work, so they want to hold on to any money they make very tightly. Don't be lazy. Be a hard worker. And then you won't be greedy anymore.

Laziness. This is the second biggest thing that destroys lives. Look up all the Bible verses on the sluggard. They are very good. I love a talk with Steven Furtick and TD Jakes. Jakes said his parents talked about laziness like it was a disease. And it is actually. It leads to many diseases. Pretty much every illness a person has can come from laziness. When you don't get your body moving, you almost definitely will get sick. Our bodies were meant to work. If you don't work your body in any way, you are lazy and that is disgusting. Work. DO something. Be productive. Otherwise, why do you exist?

Pride. Pride is a very ugly characteristic to have. The people who think Everyone likes them are actually liked by no one because they have so much pride. Prideful people are not well liked because they are selfish. Be humble. Remember to stay teachable. Realize that every person around you has something to teach you. Never get to the point where you think you have nothing else to learn. And Never think you are better then everyone else, because you aren't.

Gluttony. The most disgusting trait anyone can have is gluttony. Don't over eat. Save some food for the children in Africa, so to speak. Seriously, eat less so you can give away more. Don't be overly selfish. Don't spend all your money on just feeding yourself. Don't starve yourself, but realize when you have had enough food and Stop. Be generous with your money. God didn't mean for all your money to only be yours, you are supposed to share it with others.

Atheism. The biggest thing overall that destroys lives is atheism. If you don't believe in God, what is the point of living? What do you live for? I don't know how anyone can function in life without knowing for sure there is a God in heaven that loves them and is watching over them. Why would anyone Not want to believe that? I have never understood that.

I hope this blog edified you and made you wiser. If it made you angry, pray about why it did and what part did.

God bless!

A Rebellious Spirit

 Working at Papa John's has definitely made me a better person.  I always used to have a bit of a rebellious spirit. For example, I haven't always been good about keeping my car registration up to date, and that was wrong.  In my last marriage my ex husband wanted me to stop buying things on Amazon but I refused to stop buying things on Amazon, which really is a big reason why we are divorced now. It's possible that my over spending was one thing that made him go legitimately insane. The reason why I did that though was that I didn't really respect him.  I always viewed him as being far less intelligent then me, so I felt I had a reason to not respect him.  But I should have never married him in the first place if I knew I wouldn't be able to respect him. 

I have had a hard time respecting anyone my entire life.  Partly because I think I'm smarter then everyone else, or more godly, or more attractive etc.  I have had a lot of pride my whole life over my gifts that I know God gave me, but I felt I had reason to feel prideful over them.  And God has always blessed me and provided for me well, so I had pride over that.  That is partly why I have smoked over the past year, to keep me humble. :) It reminds me that I'm not perfect. It's good to try to live perfectly, but if it makes you an arrogant asshole, maybe you should try not being "perfect" for awhile so you can be more humble. 

Mainly I had a hard time respecting people because both my dad and mom were not very respectable people.  My dad molested me as a child a lot.  He acted like a Christian but then he did that, so I had very little respect for him because he was just a pretender.  He was a huge liar.  I always saw him as a con artist.  I saw my mom as almost an equally giant hypocrite because she lost her temper with me several times.  I think people don't realize how much you loose respect with others when you loose your temper with them.  

So I grew up having a hard time respecting adults.  Although in school I respected a TON almost every teacher I had.  I suppose that's why I wanted to teach for so long, because I was thinking those are the only adult people in society that are respected.  But then I tried teaching Junior High students one year and my students did NOT respect me half of the time, which was very hard. :( Maybe God was giving me a dose of my own medicine.  I was reaping what I sowed.  So needless to say that made me give up on the dream of teaching. 

In some of my jobs I have had a hard time respecting my boss and co-workers.  But my level for what I expect of others in order for me to respect them is pretty high and probably unrealistic.  I suppose I am a perfectionist in that.  It takes a lot for me to respect a person.  I always used to love the quote "Respect is not given, it is earned."  And it should be, but our level of what we need to respect a person maybe shouldn't be as high as we think it should be. 

But praise God, I finally have found a group of people that I greatly respect.  I have a very, Very high respect for everyone that I work with at Papa John's.  I posted on Twitter once that you haven't really worked until you have worked at a pizza place on a Friday night.  The amount of stress you have to deal with on a Friday night, and a few other nights, is unlike any other stress you can face in life. And I know because I have worked in several Pre-schools, gone through labor twice and been thousands of dollars in debt, but none of that compares with a Friday night at Papa Johns. :)  You feel like you are making dinner for the entire city you live in, and then after all that you do, people still aren't grateful.  So many people complain about so many things, but all my co-workers take it like champs.  I look up to them all a lot for that. Their level of patience and understanding and forgiveness is Amazing.  They have asked me a few time to be a manager but I don't think I would have the patience to deal with complaining customers.  I literally would just want to say to people, "Deal with it and stop whining.  At least we made you food. Goodbye." :) So that's why I'm not a manager.  I'm just a driver, but I love being a driver. :) 

But I respect a LOT all the patient and loving people I work with that put up with all that and can still stay calm.  Most of the time they stay calm anyways. :) Good job Papa John's friends! 

The level of forgiveness all my co-workers have is so amazing.  We all have to forgive each other so much every day for so many things.  And the managers have to forgive the customers for being difficult a...holes so often.  

So it has made me a much better person working there, from observing everyone I work with and wanting to emulate them.  

At first I didn't respect the job that much.  I always thought, "This is just pizza.  We aren't running the country."  But the longer I've been there, the more I have seen how hard it really is, and I have strived to do my job with excellence and to do everything perfectly.  I had kind of a rebellious and an "I'm better than you" attitude when I started there, like that job was beneath me, as I have felt with most jobs I've had, but God has greatly grown my humility in this time. 

Don't ever consider ANY job to be beneath you.  Any of us are very lucky to have jobs now, with the world the way it is.  So value your job.  Value your co-workers and your bosses.  At least you have friends, if you consider them friends, and hopefully you do. Not many people can say they have a good group of friends.  

Do your job well.  Work as unto the Lord.  Love others well. Be excellent in all things, and you will be blessed. And always be grateful for your job. :)

God bless!

God Loves You

 It's easy for us to complain about our lives, but what about all the ways that God has blessed us? The fact that you are reading this right now means you probably have a phone or a computer and the internet, meaning you are supremely blessed.  If you have those three things I would assume you have plenty of food, water and shelter for which you should praise God for every day.  But we all are so spoiled.  We take our blessings for granted.  We have come to just expect it.  But God could pull the rug out from under any of us at any moment and take away everything we have. The fact that he chooses not to should elicit our hourly praise. :)

People only 30 years ago didn't have all the things we have now.  How can we ever complain about being bored when there are an endless amount of things to watch and read online? 

We are living in the most amazing age for technology in history.  Which would make it kind of sad if God destroys the world in a few years.  But I know God will make a better world after that. :) I'm not worried because I know where I'm going.  I can't wait to fly like a bird in heaven. And I feel like God keeps telling me I will get to rule worlds in the next life. :)

I am quite convinced we are already IN the Great Tribulation. I believe Jesus will come back and rapture the church in about a year.  After that the bowls of God's wrath will be poured out on the earth, as Revelation describes, and all hell will break loose.  I think Christians will have to go through some hard times, but the worst things will happen after we are raptured. 

So if you aren't saved, GET saved.  Simply say, "Holy Spirit come into my heart.  I want you to lead my life.  I don't want to lead it anymore.  I give you full control of everything I am."  And he will come into you and remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And you will become the most loving and kind person you ever could be. :) 

God bless!

Serve Others

The greatest cause of depression is selfishness, because we all inherently know we should be serving others in some way, and when we don't, we feel depressed.  That is why the greatest cure for depression is to help someone else in some way.  

For me, I have found my greatest source of joy in making the bracelets I make for 6 years now.  I was starting to feel a bit depressed being just a stay at home mom.  I knew there was more to life then that.  Not that raising a little one is pointless, but I wanted to do more.  Being a stay at home mom is actually a harder job then most realize because you feel very cut off from the world.  You essentially have no friends, except friends that you can call from time to time.  It's just you and your kid(s) stuck inside most of the day.  For the most part, I was happy to be a stay at home mom and I was grateful to get to relax so much, but we were made to help others, and our community at large.  Being cooped up in your house all day every day isn't good for you. Not having much effect on the world isn't good for your mind and spirit.  That is why social media can be beautiful, because it gives life more meaning and purpose.  I recommend Twitter more then Facebook though.  There are many more intelligent people on Twitter. :)

But not serving others in some way is not good for you.  Moms serve their kids, but we all know we were meant to help more people then just our immediate family.  I began my bracelet ministry when my first daughter was about 6 months old.  I think my inspiration for doing so was also that I wanted her to grow up in a better and safer world then the one I grew up.  I was sexually molested multiple times by multiple men.  As a result, I have always had a drive to change the world and make it better and help people BE better.  If you don't like the world, then try to change it, somehow. :) And if you pray about it, I guarantee God will give you some idea of how you can try to make the world a better place.  

I started making my bracelets to try to make the world a better and safer place.  I have probably made about 10,000 bracelets in the past 6 years. It always stressed my ex husband out though, the money I would spend on beads for them, but I needed some way to serve others.  I considered the money for that our tithe, which we argued about sometimes.  He wanted us to tithe to a "normal ministry," but I believed in my ministry and I was determined to keep it going. Needless to say that is probably a big reason we are divorcing now though, because he did not support my ministry.  Sometimes he did, but sometimes he didn't, and that was hard. 

My bracelets have always had phrases on them like "God's Angel" or "Have Faith" or "Fear Not."  I call them self-encouraging bracelets.  I have given them away for free this past 6 years simply by leaving them in bathrooms at gas stations or Wal-Mart etc.  It has brought me a great amount of joy this whole time.  "It is more blessed to give then to receive" and I have definitely experienced that with my bracelets. I feel like they are making a difference.  I believe they are making the world a better place.  And as Jesus said, "According to your faith it will be done to you." Amen? :) 

I got a beautiful confirmation that they are helping others from a cashier at Walmart a few days ago.  That was very nice.  I bought some beads and she said, "I bet you're going to make some beautiful bracelets with these." I said, "Yes I leave them in the bathroom here sometimes."  She said, "Oh that's you!  I've met the star.  They are very beautiful and the words are Very encouraging."  It encouraged me to have her say that.  I really needed some encouragement that day so praise God for that little conversation.

And now I want to encourage you, whatever God has put on your heart as your way to serve others, do it.  Some people like to bring meals to people who are going through hard times.  If I liked to cook I would do that. :)  I suppose I kind of do that as a pizza delivery driver. :) But my bracelets have always been my greatest joy.  I have considered that my calling for a long time.  

I got the idea when I worked on a cruise ship watching the kids about 10 years ago.  One of my favorite things to do with the kids was to sit and make bracelets for hours.  I had the thought when I was doing that, "Man I could do this for the rest of my life like just for fun."  And so 4 years after that I started making my Jesus bracelets, my self-encouraging/gospel bracelets. :) 

I like to think that people wearing my bracelets will feel just a little happier when they wear it or the bracelet will help them be nicer people or more godly.  I had a boss at Chili's who always wore a cross ring.  I said it was cool and she said, "Yes I wear it to remind me to be nicer to people." That gave me the idea that wearing something religious might cause you to act better, and it does. :)

When I was a kid I always wanted to grow up to be a missionary.  I always thought it would be to some other country, but then I realized, America needs possibly More help then any other country does.  We have let our great nation go down the drain.  Why?  Because most people have chosen to forget about God.  I hope my bracelets help people remember God.  Maybe it will help them remember their upbringing in church and then they will go back to that.  :)

"Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."  Unfortunately most children do depart from church and God for a time.  I know I did.  But we always come back. We always can come back. :) I like to think my bracelets will help people and families want to come back to God.  And I firmly believe the more people cling to God, the better their lives will go.  I Know the more people in America choose to think about God and what He wants and to pray, the better our country will get.  

The theme of the Satanic bible is "do what thou will."  As in, do whatever you want.  But no, we are supposed to do what God wants, right?  When we do whatever we want, we all know, we only get ourselves into trouble.  Left to ourselves we do really stupid things, quite often. What about what God wants?  Doesn't that matter to anyone anymore?  

I hope to remind people with my bracelets that what God wants Does and Should matter.  But also I want people to remember how much GOD LOVES THEM, and giving away free bracelets is the best way I could think of to show that. :) Because what women doesn't want to look more pretty? And I think my bracelets can make anyone look more pretty. :) The core question of every woman is "Am I beautiful?"  I always feel more beautiful when I wear my bracelets, and I hope and pray they have that same effect on every woman and little girl who wears one.  

I make some for men and boys sometimes.  Those usually say "Strong" or "Warrior."  I hope that those bring a lot of encouragement to them as well.  The core question of every man is "Do I have what it takes?"  I like to think my bracelets help to remind them that they do. :)

If I have inspired you, go buy some beads and letter beads at Walmart and have fun making your own encouraging bracelets for others.  I guarantee you will have a lot of fun coming up with words to encourage others and you will Love giving them away.  

May God bless you! :)

Pain and Hard Hearts

 Whatever Satan can do to get us to hate others, he will do it.  God wants us to love others.  Satan wants us to hate others, so he constantly tries to cause people to fight and not trust each other.  Satan is called "the accuser of the brethren" for a reason.  He accuses us to ourselves and to others all the time and tries to pit people against us.  He tells us lies about ourselves to bring us down, and he tells others lies about us to cause them to fight with us.  This is called spiritual attack.  

But you can't believe the lies Satan tells you about yourself.  You have to keep your head up.  When he tells you your world is over or you can't go on, tell him he's a liar and you can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you.  Amen?  Amen. :)  When others try to tell you that you aren't doing a good job at home, work, as a parent etc. stand up for yourself.  Believe that you are doing the best you can and don't let others bring you down.  Satan keeps trying to bring us down, but don't let him.  Have confidence and believe in yourself.  

I love the line from a Will Smith song, "Just the Two of Us." "Oh aint no pain from the opposite sex.  It's gonna hurt bad but don't take it out on the next son."  

This is the case for any relationship in our lives.  An ex hurt us so we withhold love from the next person we get involved with. We keep walls up. We stay guarded. We choose to not trust them. But does that benefit us at all?  We think it does.  Satan tells us it does. But in the end we are only hurting ourselves. Why? Because then we don't get to experience the fullness of what love can be. 

Or maybe it's a boss or a co-worker that hurt us and so we choose to have a bad attitude with every single person we work with in the future, because we assume they will hurt us like our other co-worker hurt us.  My dad used to always say, "To assume is to make an ass out of you and me." That is how the word is spelled. ;)  You can't assume that just because one person hurt you that every single person will hurt you.  That is no way to live life.  If you never trust anyone, how can you have friends or love? You live walled up within yourself because you don't trust anyone else and you stay alone. You become hard hearted and jaded.  You decide to turn to ice and be cold with others. 

I know exactly what this looks like because this is what happened to my mom.  She loved my dad but he molested me as a little kid and she then essentially turned to ice.  She stopped loving anyone.  It became almost impossible for her to love anyone after that.  I honestly never felt like my mom loved me my entire life.  It was like she was incapable of love, like her heart was dead. There were tiny moments when I felt that she loved me, but generally it seemed that she had killed her heart.  She decided to kill her ability to love anyone else, because she stopped trusting people. She let herself turn to ice. Also she probably decided that the less she loved others, the less they could hurt her, so she decided to simply stop loving others very much. She became callous and tough. And I modeled that coldness for much of my life as well. 

But no matter what happens, you can't entirely stop trusting people.  Unless you plan to live in the wilderness somewhere, you have to learn to trust people again.  Like a good country song says, "I believe most people are good."  Do you?  Or do you think most people are bad?

The tricky thing about that is whatever you assume people will do to you is generally what they will end up doing to you.  If you assume everyone will leave you or hurt you, they very well might.  "According to your faith it will be done to you," Jesus said.  If you believe people will love you, they will.  Why? Because you give out a confidence and that is very attractive.  But if you think people will hate you, because maybe you hate yourself, you might end up Causing them to hate you.  Then you might say "Well I knew they were going to do that."  But you Caused them reject you, because that is what you expected, and so you caused it. 

We bring about whatever we expect. This is what faith is. You can have faith in God, that he will bring good things into your life, and he will.  Or you can choose to believe that bad things will happen to you, and then they probably will.  Whatever you think will happen to you, is generally what will happen to you.  If you think you will never find love again, you probably won't, because you don't expect that you will.  Your thoughts and words do dictate your life.  

People don't realize how powerful their words are.  You essentially create your own reality through your words, and your prayers.  Most people underestimate how powerful prayer can be.  You have no idea how powerful prayer can be.  But mainly what prayer is, is a training of our minds to want good things and to ask God for good things.  You can bless yourself or you can curse yourself.  You can bless yourself with what you ask God for in prayer or you can curse yourself with worry of all the worst case scenario things that will happen to you.  That is why the Bible says when we pray "the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind."  Prayer keeps us from worry because we bless ourselves.  We fix our minds on good things.  We train our minds to want good things and to believe we deserve good things when we pray.  Think about the Lord's prayer.  What did Jesus tell us to pray for?  Food.  The ability to forgive others, which is to pray for peace.  Did he tell us to pray for anything bad for ourselves?  Of course not.  Prayer is a setting of the mind to desire good things for ourselves.  

A lot of people don't realize how masochistic they are.  It's almost as if they WANT bad things to happen to them.  Why?  Because they think that's what they deserve.  They hate themselves and so they cut their own feet out from under them all the time.  They think others are causing them to fail but actually they are causing themselves to fail.  They think others want them to fail but they are projecting their own desire for their own failure on others.  Why would we want ourselves to fail?  Mainly because a stronghold was built in our mind at some point by Satan convincing us that we deserve bad things.  

Anyone who was sexually abused as a kid feels bad about themselves.  There is this core feeling that you are bad and that all you deserve are bad things, but those are lies from Satan. 

You have to activate your faith.  And what faith is really, is believing that God wants to bless you.  If you don't believe that, you should analyze if you hate yourself and if you really do want bad things to happen to you and why.  

I hope this helped some of you.  May God bless you all! 

Emotions and Demons

 Anytime you are being carried away by strong emotions, you are ALLOWING demons to enter your mind. You are opening a door to them. Fear or worry is the biggest open door for demons to enter your mind and get a foothold over your thoughts. Anger is also a major emotion that can open doors to demons.  There can occasionally be strong emotions that are good, that might benefit us or someone else, but generally our strong emotions are not good. 

That is why it is much better to be a rational person then an overly emotional person.  You don't want to be hard hearted, uncaring or unfeeling, but to live your life based on emotions Will make you go crazy eventually.  The more you let people or situations get under your skin, the more crazy you will feel.  The best thing to do in life is to always stay cool, calm and collected; at peace. We all know this, but we have a hard time doing it. It takes discipline. You Have to learn to control your thoughts.  If you feel any strong emotion work through it, maybe journal about it, and then let it go.  One reason people get depressed is because they simply feel drained from all the emotional roller coasters they LET themselves go on.  Stay calm and pray.  Stay calm and journal.  Just stay calm. :)

Currently the spirit of fear is greatly at work in our world, and there are many, many demons working on people all around the world through this fear.  Satan is using this pandemic a Ton to make everyone terrified of the virus, of other people, of places etc.  Aren't you all tired of being afraid all the time?  Isn't it draining?  Then let it go.  How about you DECIDE to stop being afraid? "There is nothing to fear but fear itself."  Why?  Because fear is the master spirit that Satan uses to debilitate us.  

Fear paralyzes us so much that we don't want to do anything or go anywhere.  This time of the Coronovius has essentially turned every single person into a germaphobe and an agoraphobic person.  Those are two serious psychological issues.  It's Not good to be paranoid about germs or going out.  The media has succeeded, sadly, in making everyone paranoid, but may God can help us. God CAN heal us. He can heal our minds and our paranoia.  It's time to come out of hiding.  

It's time for all of us to STOP being afraid of everything and everyone.  It's time to be a lion and stop being a mouse.  Stop letting the media turn you into a mouse.  Shine for Jesus.  Do what God wants you to do.  Don't hide in a cave all day every day.  Satan would want nothing more then for you to hide in your cave all day every day; your house, your car, your job etc.  But God wants us to work for him and to shine for him.  He wants us to reach out and save the lost.  He wants us to come out of our own little world and to be a light for him.  He wants us to stop thinking about only ourselves and think about others.  The more afraid we are, the more our focus is just on ourselves.  That is why Satan is trying to make everyone afraid now.  He wants our focus to be turned inward so we won't try to help people around us.  He wants us to think "it's every man for himself now."  

God wants us to love others, to help others, to look outside of ourselves, to value others, not to be afraid of them, to give of ourselves in order to help and save others. As long as you keep worrying if others might get you sick, you can't love them, can you? And Satan has won.

Don't let Satan win this summer, this year. Keep loving others, as God would want you to. :)

Democrats

 If Anyone is still a Democrat after all the insane stuff they tried to pull to win this upcoming election I would seriously be surprised. I think the sheep skin has been fully pulled off of the wolves this past 5 months.

I can almost guarantee to you that the Democrats created the Coronavirus in China and spread it around the entire world via chemtrails. I used to think believing in chemtrails was insane but now I don't think so. The Democrats want to control the public times 10 and the masks are only the beginning. Limiting cash going into the banks is only the beginning. IF a Democrat is elected in November the next step will be forcing everyone to take the mark of the beast, guaranteed. And the end of the world will follow shortly after.

Please vote for Trump. And seriously, may God bless America and may God help us.

Beauty

 Have you ever noticed that the more beautiful someone thinks they are, the LESS beautiful they are?  Or the less someone Thinks they are beautiful, or the more humble they are, the more beautiful they actually are.  The Bible says that God hates pride and that he opposes the proud.  We are made in God's image so I suppose that's also why we also hate pride.  

For some reason though, many people love pride, or they think they do.  They love feeling pride and they love people who are prideful.  This is why people worship football players, artists etc. I have never understood that.  Confidence is good, but pride is evil.  Pride causes you to hurt others because you think you are better then them.  I will say I have been guilty of this pride in posting too much stuff online about homosexuality.  I am grossed out by the sin, but it's easy for me to judge it and hate because I know I would never in a million years be homosexual.  But I can get prideful about that, knowing I would never struggle with it.  It seems that if someone sins differently then us it's easy for us to jump up and judge them and feel prideful that we don't struggle in the way they do, but we fail to look at our own sins.  Like pride over one's own beauty, self-righteous pride is just as ugly.  

People can be prideful over lots of things.  Having excessive amounts of money almost always makes people prideful.  But having little money can make people selfish and greedy, which can get just as ugly.  

That is why God likes to give us just enough of something so we can be content without being overly full of whatever he gives us.  Most people have a few physical features that they are proud of but others they are insecure of.  I think God does that to keep us humble.  Like I have always been insecure about my need to wear glasses, and I always wished I could have a flat stomach, but that has always seemed to be impossible for me.  But I like most of my other physical features. 

This is why, for most of us, God gives us just enough, so that we will not become overly confident and forget him.  

When the Israelites were in the wilderness God told them to gather just enough manna for each day.  When Jesus said the Lord's prayer he said that we should pray for Just our daily bread.  Why?  Because God wants us to have just enough.  If we have too little of anything we become scared and insecure.  But if we have too much of something, we get prideful.  So he gives us just enough.  

I always wondered why God didn't give me better parents.  I'm sure everyone has asked God that. But no parents are perfect, or can be perfect, no matter how hard they try to be.  He gave me parents that were good enough so I wouldn't feel insecure, but with enough short comings to keep me humble. 

The same was true of my two daughters.  They were both pretty enough for me to be proud of them but they both were lacking in some way, I suppose to keep me humble as a parent.  My oldest wasn't the smartest little girl and my youngest has something wrong with her feet so it hurts for her to walk or stand too much.  But God did that for a reason, to keep me humble.  

With everything in life, things that we have fall short of perfection, our parents or our kids and we are disappointed.  Part of coping with life is learning to cope with the disappointments.  Maybe your spouse isn't everything you wanted in a spouse.  But hopefully they are good enough to keep you content.  God always gives us things that are good enough to keep us from being insecure, but also not overly confident and prideful.  

Like some men might have wives that are drop dead gorgeous, or a woman might have a gorgeous husband, but they aren't that smart.  For some reason most people don't get Both beauty and brains. Or a man might have a smart wife, or a woman has a smart husband, but they aren't as attractive.  But God gives us just enough so we can feel confident in our decision without being overly prideful.

This is why a lot of single people stay single for a long time.  They are looking for someone absolutely perfect.  They have this image in their heads of the perfect mate, but they never find that person because there is no one who is perfect.  And they themselves don't deserve someone who is perfect because they aren't perfect. Their search for this perfect person is endless because they are never willing to settle, to deal with someone's shortcomings.  Sometimes you have to just take whatever you can get.  Or deal with being single for your whole life.   

In college I heard a sermon where the pastor said we are all blue plate specials.  Like in restaurants, if they are trying to get rid of food they might have a special on it, but it's food that isn't perfect.  He said we are all like that.  We all have flaws and none of us is perfect.  We have to accept that about ourselves, that we are all blue plate specials, and when looking for a mate.  

Compromise is key in life.  The main cause of anger is when our expectations are too high, of ourselves or others.  We expect, we want but we don't get it and it makes us angry.  The key is to lower your expectations.  Don't expect yourself or anyone else to be perfect.  That would be impossible.  Learn to deal with the imperfections of others, have patience with them, and then you will be angry a lot less. :)

And be grateful for what you have.  Always remember, God gave you just enough to keep you from being insecure, but not too much so you wouldn't get overly prideful.

May God bless you!