Two Years of my Life

It was brought up in a comment on Facebook that I was committing adultery when I was with Roger, the guy who died about a year ago.  And can I just say, they need to rename it drama book lol not Facebook, because that's what it often is.  :)

 

For some reason I never saw it that way.  Yes he was still legally married to his ex-wife and yes we were not legally married, but we both always felt in God's eyes that we were married. 

 

I will explain the whole situation if any of you who have been reading my blog are confused about it. :) 

 

First of all, there are grey areas in our walk with God.  Not everything is black and white.  I used to think that way, but life is full of grey areas. 

 

We cannot be so quick to judge someone until we fully understand their situation.  "Judge not lest ye be judged."  God is our judge, not man. 

 

We are to hold each other accountable to an extent as fellow Christians, but on the other hand Jesus said, "If anyone is without sin let him cast the first stone."  Amen? 

 

We have ALL sinned and we ALL deserve hell.  We are all in the same boat.  None of us is any better than another.  God sees us all, who are in Christ, the same as well.  No one is better and no one is worse than another.  God sees US ALL the same. :)

 

 And praise God Jesus saved us from hell and what we deserve!  Praise God that He forgives us over and over again!  Amen! :)  God is so good!

 

 

 

I truly believe God brought Roger and I together to be together.  It seemed very meant to be, more than any other person I have known in my life.  I remember the first time we hugged it was like that scene in Pocahontas when the wind and leaves swirl around them.  I felt God was smiling down on us and saying, "Yes!  This is good!  This is who I have for you!  This is your destiny and my plan for you!" :)  Granted it was just his plan for the next two years, but it was great while it lasted. :) 

 

I, and all of us, only have to answer to God someday for how we lived our lives, not any other human being. 

 

I am so tired of judgmental Christians, aren't you?  I am so tired of people thinking that they can be God to someone else and that they can say what is right and wrong in someone else's life? 
There was a quote I heard a long time ago that I just love, "You cannot understand someone else until you have walked two miles in their moccasins."  Or something like that.  And you can't.  Not fully.  Until you have lived their life you cannot really understand them or what they are going through.  You cannot pretend to advise them on their life when you are not living it.    

 

Love is not controlling.  Love gives freedom.  Love sees that to really love you have to let the other person be free.  Love is supportive.  Love does not condemn.  Love is encouraging and uplifting etc. 

 

 

I never felt God was mad at me the whole time that I was with Roger. I know what God being mad at me feels like from past relationships with non Christian guys.  But I never ever felt that with Roger.  It felt right.  It felt like I was where God wanted me to be the whole time.  I had a total peace and joy about it, about being with him. 

 

 

I felt that God was very pleased with me and wanted me to help Roger.  Roger was my mission and my full time ministry for the two years that I knew him. God used me to minister to him, just like God used him to minister to me. :)  

 

He helped me a heal a lot from the anger and hurt over my sexual abuse.  He had worked in mental health for 10 years so he was pretty much an expert when it came to sexual abuse victims.  And he himself was sexually abused, so no one in the world could have or did understand me better than he did! 

 

We were best friends.  We were inseparable, attached at the hip.  We did everything together. 

 

We would literally talk for 10 hours at a time.  It was crazy.  We would look at the clock and be like, "Where did the time go?" lol  He had some much wisdom to share with me about life, about people etc. 

 

He understood God better than anyone I have ever known, and how much God loves us. 

 

No one in my life showed me God's love more than he did. 

 

He was completely accepting and loved me unconditionally. 

 

And I helped him in his relationship with God too.  I brought him back to being obedient to God.  I even baptized him, as crazy as that sounds. lol  The only person I've ever baptized, so far anyways. :)

 

I got him to not drink alcohol for his last year, and to not drink soda anymore etc. 

 

I helped him to enjoy life again greatly and he helped me too. 

 

He helped me heal and bind up my wounds from my past.  He helped me to trust men for the first time.  He helped to believe in men for the first time.  He helped me to believe that a man could be a good dad for my kids someday. 

 

I don't regret any of my time with him and I don't regret living with him, even if to some it does seem like living in sin.  I don't care.  It was well worth it.  :)  

 

Paul says in Galatians, "Am I trying to win over human beings or God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I wouldn't be Christ's slave."  Amen.  Give up trying to please people.  It doesn't work.  Just focus on pleasing God amen?  :) 

 

If I could go back and do it all over again, I would. 

 

My mom several times tried to attack me too actually and condemn me and say that I was living in sin, even after he died!  You would think she would drop it by then, but some Christians enjoy judging others just a little too much. :( 

 

Why?  Because it makes them forget about their own sin.  It makes them feel better about themselves for some reason. 

 

But I honor God's opinion above anyone else's; my mom's, the government, friends, and any other human being.  I didn't and don't care that we weren't legally married.  In God's eyes we both saw ourselves as married, and that was all that mattered.

 

The only reason he couldn't divorce his wife was because he couldn't afford to.  If it really bothered my mom she could have offered to pay for his divorce, but she didn't.  We didn't have anyone to help us really.  We were on our own.  It was us and God against the world it seemed.  But at least we had each other for those two years. 

 

Also once Roger's mom finally gave us money to help with the divorce, his ex wife drew out the process as long as she could just to torture Roger because she was a very evil woman. :(  

 

It's possible she was actually possessed, because in one picture I saw of her with Roger and their first baby her eyes were almost black.  But she had blue eyes.  Odd huh.  :(  Very crazy woman.

 

He was actually always worried that she would shoot him with one of her step dad's guns.  No joke.  And this lady would have been capable of something like that. 

 

She hated Roger and made his life a living hell, even when I was with him. 

 

Therefore, I know God sent me into the storm of Roger's life to alleviate some of the pain he had to go through in marrying a crazy person in his past.  He was young and she seduced him.  It was as simple as that.  She conned him and played him.  She knew his family had money and she was only after the money.  She was a gold digger to the max. 

But Roger felt that since she forced him to have sex with her he ought to marry her.  I say forced because he really didn't want to.  Due to his sexual molest in high school, he was not very interested in sex.  He was uncomfortable with it and wanted nothing to do with it at the time.

 

(A note to single people, think long and hard before you marry someone.  Make sure they are a good person first and have a good heart or you will be tortured the rest of your life, especially if you have kids with them.  Be very, very careful :(  It really IS the most important decision you will ever make, besides becoming Christian. :)

 

Roger's divorce to his ex wife was almost completely finalized right when he died.  So we were about to be legally married finally.  

 

We only didn't before because we couldn't be.  But he always said he would have married me in a heartbeat if he could have, and in his heart he was married to me and I was to him.

 

So I don't care what anyone else said then or now.  In God's eyes we were married and we both were sure of that. 

 

 

God is ultimately our judge, NOT people.  So don't let anyone else look down on you or try to condemn you.  That is not their place.  If you don't feel that God is angry with you, then ignore people that try to condemn you or judge you.  They are wrong and God is right. 

 

God is our God, not other people.  No matter how much they try to be our god, they are not. 

 

We will answer to God one day and no one else. 

 

Listen for God's voice in everything.  Let him lead you and guide you.  And tune everything else out for the most part.  :)

 

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face.  And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace." :)

 

May God increase your wisdom and may your ears be more and more sensitive to his voice.  In Jesus' name Amen!  God bless!