Weakness

I think part of my thing about doctors is a pride issue.

Deep down I think, "Doctors are for weak people.  And I am Not weak."

It is the same reason I have a hard time crying in front of other people.  I always want to appear like I have it together.  For the sake of ego and image I suppose.  But also I don't want to be a burden on anyone else. 

But it's logical because all my life I have had to be strong; strong from my mom, my brother, my dad, friends etc.

My mom has had major depression ever since what my dad did, so my whole life I have felt like I have been the one carrying her.  I have had to be strong.  I have essentially had to not have any needs of my own because her needs were so enormous. 

Granted that would be the hardest thing in the world to go through, what my mom did, marrying a man you thought was good and having him molest your own mutual daughter.  I would be horrified for sure, and in her place I probably would have committed suicide.  But she survived, thanks to her faith in God.

But her emotions and mental state were very weak after that, for a very long time.  She was almost unavailable, due to the overwhelming sadness inside of her.  I'm sure she was lonely, and angry at herself for marrying my dad. 

I suppose that is one reason I hadn't wanted to be a mom for so long, because I didn't want to not be there for my kids like I felt my mom wasn't.  Even if she was physically there, she was rarely emotionally there.  But God willing nothing major will go wrong in my family.  I think I have had enough trauma in my life so I'm trusting that God will spare me from anything else catastrophic.  I'm hoping at least.  He doesn't give us more than we can handle and I'm not sure I could handle much more, given all I've already been through. 

So I don't like appearing weak.  My whole life I have tried to be strong.  When I was little I didn't even like the color pink for that reason.  I didn't want to come off as weak.  That's why I got into basketball and sports so young.  I wanted to be tough.  I wanted to have what it takes to fight off anyone if I needed to.  No one was going to mess with me. 

And that is why pregnancy is somewhat frustrating for me because I do feel weak.  I can't walk as fast anymore. :(  I hate that I will have to depend on doctors in a couple of weeks to help me, because I know delivering not at a hospital is incredibly risky.  Women used to die in labor all the time.  But I don't like having to depend on anyone else for anything. 

Which has kept me from going to the doctor most of my life.  I think I only had to go when I was little for ear infections and have not gone since.  Well I went once in college to see if I was hypoglycemic because my mom is; that's the opposite of diabetic.  But the issue was just that I wasn't eating enough so I was feeling drained often. 

I really don't like eating, perhaps for the same reason.  I don't like that my body needs food.  I don't even like that need, of food.  I have always said if I could just take a pill every day and not have to eat at all I would.

The only need I don't resent is needing water.  I love to drink water. :)  And sleep.  I do love to sleep. :)  But otherwise I wish I didn't need anything else. 

I hate when people are needy.  So I never want to come off that way.  Perhaps I resent my own neediness, but given my past I have needed a lot of affirmation and the ability to regain trust in others.  But I wish I didn't.  I wish that had never happened to me and I was more self sufficient and fine.  I wish I had grown up in a good family that met all my needs and I didn't need to look elsewhere to get my needs met. 

God may that be the case for Serenity.  May she totally and completely have all her needs met, in us as parents, and you.  May she never need to look elsewhere to get her needs met.  May she be the happiest little girl in the world, and the best taken care of girl in the world.

Thank you God for Serenity and help us to be really good parents.  Help us to see her as you see her and to cherish her.  Amen. :)