My Life Now

 I think I'm dying. Just kidding. My vision seems to be blurry a lot now due to spring allergies. My arms hurt from lifting my whale like body out of bed to go pee a lot. My neck hurts from who knows what. 

On the plus side, I am now making myself yummy tacos every day. And I am eating more veggies from a veggie tray. 

I just want to say, for any considering getting pregnant, don't do it. I know in the long run all this pain will be worth it, but I am not having fun for now. 

This is why most women reject most men. It's not you, most likely. She just doesn't want to endure all this pain. Don't take it personal guys. 

Men, if your woman is pregnant, go get her some Chipotle every day for lunch. :)

Eat Well

 I heard a great talk on the Jay Shetty show yesterday about eating healthy. The guy interviewed said we need to eat foods that love us back. That was genius. If what you eat or drink hurts your stomach, why do you eat it or drink it? For most people that is junk food and alcohol. For me that has always been coffee. It's like I enjoy hurting myself. It always hurts my stomach and yet I drink it anyways, and have been for 28 years now. I started drinking coffee when I was 10, thanks to my dad. Once you develop a taste for something it is hard to give it up. It becomes like an old friend that you always think will bring you comfort. I am now convinced that coffee is really bad for you, decaf or regular. If you are hooked on it, I hope you can let yourself be free. 

I read a while ago that if you have your gall bladder taken out, you really should not drink coffee anymore. I had mine taken out 3 years ago due to horrible gall stones. The acidity of the coffee is probably why it should be given up. I thought decaf would still be ok, but no, it doesn't seem to be. 

I have had terrible heartburn in my pregnancy. I finally realized the solution is to drink a ton of water whenever I have the heartburn. It helps to drink milk too, but mainly tons of water. It happens to be in the middle of the night when I have the worst heartburn, but if drinking tons of water helps, then so be it. It means getting up to go to the bathroom a lot, but that is better than throwing up from the heartburn. 

Motherhood

 I have always enjoyed watching cat moms be moms. My first experience with it was when I was about 9 years old. My cat Tiger had three perfect kittens. Two white ones and an orange striped one like her. Then a year later she had another litter of 5 kittens. I had a cat in my former house who had 3 litters. They were all adorable. I sold most of the kittens on Craigslist for like $20 each. 

There is nothing cuter than getting to watch kittens grow up. They wrestle and climb trees and purr a lot when you hold them. 

I think this mommy cat is having a hard time being a mom. But I'm sure it's hard to lay 24/7 with your babies and let them nurse on you. That is a big reason I did mainly formula with my two daughters. I didn't want to feel stuck in bed nursing all day. If my cat Princess could talk, I think she would tell me, "I want to be free and to run around." I would say back to her, "Nope you stay with your kittens." In my last litter of kittens, the mom cat would sometimes leave the backyard and I would worry if she would come back. When I would call out for her she would come back. One time I scolded her and said, "I give you milk and chicken. Why can't you just stay back here?" 

With this mom cat, I had her since she was a baby a year ago. We have a pretty good friendship. Hopefully we will enjoy being co-parents of these kittens. :)

Kitten Babies

 My cat just gave birth to 3 new kittens. Two of them are black and one is white and black. She is white and fluffy. I had hoped she would have babies that looked just like her, but they are still cute. I just said to them, "Even though you are black I will still love you." :)

I am so happy to have kittens here again. I had a ton of fun a year ago with a litter of kittens. They made me very happy. I remember when they were little I would yell out, "Babies!" And they would all come running toward me. It was adorable. 

I hope this litter will cheer me up every day in my last month of pregnancy. I am in the final stretch. May God bless me with a not to hard rest of my pregnancy and an easy and peaceful delivery. 

Pregnancy

We never think of how much work 

Our mother had to endure to bring us into this world

The pain, the difficulty getting out of bed 

It is not fun being pregnant at all

That is most likely why lots of women prefer to go through it once

Once the baby comes, the world is total sunshine

But the waiting time is very hard

You never know when to eat or how much

It is very hard to eat when you have no desire to

But you know you have to 

Why would any woman want to be pregnant more than once?

In my former marriage, I think things would have worked out if I only had one child

One is good enough

I asked my nurse in my first delivery, 

"Why would any woman do that more than once?" 

She said, "You forget." 

Nope, you don't, but you do remember the beauty of a new baby

I had tons of nightmares after my first two deliveries about labor

And now it is one month away for me again

May God help me

I know in the long run it will be worth it

Heating Pads

 Heating pads are so wonderful

When it's cold, you can cuddle one up to your chest

It cures most heartburn issues

It helps you guard against the cold

When your neck hurts, it helps relax the muscles

When your back is sore, it is an instant fix

There is no better invention by humans than electric heating pads

Ask God for Big Things

I heard a great sermon yesterday by Jentezen Franklin. He is the best pastor in America, in my opinion. He said we need to ask God for big things. 

Here is my big thing. Well I have two. One, that I will never have heartburn again, and I am trying to eat more healthy so that will happen for me. 

Also I want to interview on a show. I am hoping someday to either be interviewed by Joe Rogan, Jay Shetty or Joni Lamb. They are three very well known talk show hosts. I am hoping they will check out my 30 books on Amazon and ask me questions about them. It would be great to accomplish that, just having one interview. Then I could have more book sales and become more well known. Maybe that could enable me to be an officially published author instead of just a self-published author. 

That is the big thing I am asking God for now. 

What big thing do you want from God? 

War

 War, what is it good for? Nothing. 

A lot of my family served in the military. My brother was in the National Guard for about 10 years. I was very worried about him when he was in Afghanistan for a year. Thank God he made it back safely. My step-dad served in the Airforce for 30 years. My step-brother is currently in the Navy. I kind of considered being in the Army just to get my college paid for. My step-mom really wanted me to do that. I thought about it. 

It is good to serve our country, but what are the long term ramifications for doing so? Usually there is some emotional pain, some aftermath. Most people who have gone off to any kind of war come back with PTSD. It is hard to adjust back to normal life after seeing the horrors of war. I can't imagine seeing even one person die needlessly. 

My brother has always been a difficult person. I mostly always blamed my dad and his critical nature, but it probably was also due to his time in service. He has emotional pain now from things he saw. 

I am against any and all military involvement. I don't see the point. Now that we have drones and nuclear weapons, why do we still think we need 5 branches of the military? Isn't it all a giant waste of money? Let the men stay home and stay safe. The world needs more counselors and dentists. Let the men do that instead. 

Legends of the Fall

Do you have any family regrets? Probably the movie that best illustrates how we all deal with family regrets is Legends of the Fall. In that movie, Tristan is not able to save his brother from dying in war. We all have people that we wish we could have saved, either literally or spiritually, and we just have to forgive ourselves that they can't be saved. 

That is why Tristan's character is so admirable in the movie, because he genuinely cared for his brother. It ate him up inside that he couldn't save him. Then he becomes quite insane for a time. He lives a wild life. But you think, of course he would do that, given all that he went through. His mom left his family. His brother died. His older brother was angry with him and held a grudge about him possibly hitting on the younger brother's fiancé. 

There is nothing that hits your heart as deeply as family and what your family does to you. You start out fully trusting that group of people, but they do things that hurt you and you never fully let it go. 

My mom used to say I didn't fully forgive my dad because I often brought up a certain verse in my blogs. "If anyone causes one of these little ones to sin, it would be better if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were drowned." When you are hurt by those you trust the most, it can be very hard to forgive them. You expected more from them. You let your guard down with them. You can't believe you trusted them as much as you did. So then you think the cure is to be a loan ranger like Tristan was for a season. You just want to forget about everyone and everything. Eventually you rejoin your family or begin new with another family. Eventually you believe in family again and you start over. 

Crazy People

I have been around tons of crazy people in my lifetime. Some of them got better. Others seemed to want to stay crazy forever. If you ever do get well, it has to be that you want to get well. If you enjoy your personal madness, you will never fully recover. You could stay broken forever. 

A lot of people love the sympathy they get from being broken in some way. That is why they want to stay broken. I used to resent this about my mom. She was depressed my entire life. I always knew she wanted me to feel sorry for her. Once I got a certain age, I refused to. I knew she had caused all her pain herself. I cannot stand feeling sorry for others. Of course some compassion is good. But if you feel too sorry for people, they will never get better. If you expect more from them, they will do more and be more. 

Be careful of enabling others. If you feel overly sorry for them, they will soak it up and never recover. They will never get stronger, because they enjoy being weak. Their weakness benefits them in some way. They rely on others to put them back together when they fall off a wall. Like a child who never grows up, they don't want to. 

It seems half of the world enjoys being strong and resilient. The other half enjoys being weak. 

Be strong. We can't all be weak or who will keep this world healthy? Strive to pull the world up rather than down. You can be an agent of strength in the world. We don't need more weak people who don't know what to do with life. Be a warrior. 

Madness

"Insanity is like gravity. All it needs is a little push."

"By all means marry. If you marry a good person, you will be happy. If you marry a bad person, you will become a philosopher."

In regards to my relationship life, I have very much transitioned from darkness to light. My life before was like living in a haunted house. Now it is paradise. 

Some women can handle it when their man goes crazy. I couldn't. I was thinking this morning, I think my main sadness over it all was that I couldn't help my ex keep it together, but can any woman? We can influence people, but we can't totally control anyone, which is a scary notion when it comes to marriage. We are all free to mess up our lives as much as we want to. Others can stand nearby and watch the disaster, or they can run away to safety. We all decide to do one or the other with crazy people. I think it's better to run away. It feels like abandonment, but you deserve to be at peace. You didn't want the madness to happen, so why needlessly suffer through it?

I always knew my ex would lose it someday. Partly because he was sexually abused as a kid, more then I was. My brother used to tell me since I was sexually abused that someday I would just snap. Well I didn't, but my ex did. He always talked about wanting to retire. I was thinking, "Nope, that's 30 years away for you." He always talked of wanting us all to live in a commune. I said, "No you can't do that with kids." One time I asked his parents if they wanted to get a big double wide trailer with us. His dad simply said, "I am not interested." I always had a feeling my ex would fail us all and not be capable of providing forever. But who can work 12 hour days, 6 days a week? It wouldn't be easy for anyone. I have only worked a few 12 hour days in my life. 

I have asked God several times why he allowed my ex-husband to go crazy. He tells me, "Because I knew he was never the right one for you. He was too abusive. Him demanding you to wear make-up and be Pentecostal when you didn't want to be. He was never very nice to you as he should have been. He just didn't know how to love properly. It wasn't your fault."

So praise God that he made room for me to have a nice guy now who treats me as he should. He is never mean or controlling with me. He never tries to change me. Thank you God for my boyfriend and how kind he is. 

I think most of the time that I was with my ex, he just assumed I would never leave. He assumed he could treat me anyway he wanted to and it would be ok. Maybe he was trying to scare me away, or he thought he never could scare me away. Assuming makes an ass out of you and me. Never assume your mate will put up with just anything. We all have a limit. I was pretty patient with him for a long time, until it became too much. 

It is good to have boundaries, especially in love relationships. You don't have to stay linked to someone forever if you don't want to be. My reasoning for letting him go was the verse, "If the unbeliever leaves, the believer is not bound. God has called you to peace." I figured since he went insane, he was not saved. I have never heard of a Christian going insane. It just doesn't happen, or at least it for sure should not happen. 

Here are some interesting Bible verses on madness.

Ecclesiastes 10:13 

The beginning of the words of his mouth is foolishness, and the end of his talk is evil madness.

1 Timothy 6:4 

He is puffed up with conceit and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy craving for controversy and for quarrels about words, which produce envy, dissension, slander, evil suspicions.

John 10:20 

Many of them said, “He has a demon, and is insane; why listen to him?”

Proverbs 23:33 

Your eyes will see strange things, and your heart utter perverse things. (due to drinking too much wine)

1 Corinthians 14:23 

If, therefore, the whole church comes together and all speak in tongues, and outsiders or unbelievers enter, will they not say that you are out of your minds?

Don't go crazy. Be a normal person that others feel safe being around. 

Guy Friends

 I was thinking, anyone who had some good opposite sex friends in their youth is much better prepared for marriage and being good friends with their mate. 

My first closest guy friends were Steve and Mark. I felt very close to them for 2 years when I was in Junior High. We played baseball and basketball a lot. I had a few guys friends in my church youth group too. We would play football catch at times. 

In High School, I was best friends with a guy named Moses from my church for 3 years. We walked to and from school every day with our other friend Andrea. We rode bikes to play basketball like once a week or so. He was a really good guy. His dad was a pastor. It is too bad I lost contact with him. 

My Senior year of high school I got a job at Office Depot. There were two guys there that I hung out with a lot, James and Stephen. I had a big crush on both of them, but mostly they were just friends. James went on to become a missionary in Africa. I like to think I had a hand in him wanting to do that. I was friends with them for about 2 years. 

In college I got heavily involved in the choir there. I was pretty close with Bryan and Dirk in the choir. All the guys in that choir felt like my good friends or my brothers even. I would have dated any of them if they would have asked. But none of them did. So sad. I know they all just wanted to focus on finishing college. 

I hung out with my older brother a lot when I was in college too. He would come visit my college and we would play pool or go to the movies or go play frisbee at the beach. He kept wanting me to set him up with my friends in college, but I knew they weren't interested in dating. I should have let him have a chance with a few of them though.

After college I got pretty close with both of my step-brothers. One was 6 years older and the other was 5 years younger. They were good guys for the most part. We would play tennis or go to a fun church together. 

Then I re-united with friends from high school. They were hanging out with two guys named Victor and Marty. I started playing soccer with them and going swimming. We had a lot of fun hanging out for two years. 

Then I met a guy at church named Walter. We were friends for about a year. He was a bit strange. That's why we remained just friends, and I didn't date him. 

Then I went to work on a cruise ship with the kids on board. I suppose the comedian on the ship was a good friend to my room-mate and I. 

I then went to live with my brother and met my first true love Roger at a job I found working with at risk teens. We lived together for 2 years. Mostly we had a great relationship. It was very sad when he died. Be careful of drinking and taking pills at the same time. It can be deadly. 

Then I got married to my ex-husband about 6 months after he died. We had fun times for 7 years. 

After we divorced, I had a close friend at work named Thomas. He was so kind and fun to be around. Ironically my current boyfriend is a lot like him. He seems to be a replica of Thomas. So that is great. 

It is good to have friends of the opposite sex your entire life. I think a lot of marriage problems are due to anger at the opposite sex. People fight more in marriage if they never learned how to be good friends with the opposite sex. 

If you have kids, encourage them to have friends of both genders. They will need that in order to have a better marriage in the future. Women need to understand guys better, and men need to understand women better. The best way to do that is to have a lot of opposite sex friends. 

My Dad

For years my dad had a sexual addiction. He grew up looking at porn, as most guys do, which is very sad about our modern society. That is mainly why he molested me as a child. I am sure it was also demons that he let dominate his thought life. He gave me a book he read called, "Victory Over the Darkness." It had all his notes in it. At least he was trying, for a long time, to overcome his issues. 

He was raised Catholic. I think that was one cause of him having a messed up faith in God. I have heard a few times that Catholic people think they can do whatever they want to and then confess it the next day, and they think they are fine with God. It isn't meant to be that easy to get away with sin. 

When I was 3, he cheated on my mom with a prostitute. My mom absolutely should have left him after that. I have thought several times, she would have been very wise to do so. My grandma, her mom, had tons of extra houses we all could have lived in. She should not have been such a doormat with my dad. Cheating means a relationship is over. It doesn't mean you just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. She may have thought, what other man would be willing to help her raise my brother and I? Why did she need another man though? She probably should have just been a mom for a while, but I didn't make that decision for myself, so I understand her not wanting to do that. I felt God telling me to keep my youngest girl after my divorce, but I wanted to find true love, after being in a cold marriage for 7 years. Did I find true love? Yes, a few times actually. But I still wish I would have kept my daughter and just been a mom for a season. I think that would have been better. 

So my dad had lots of problems. He never did fully overcome his sexual addiction. I went to visit him when I was 18. Later I realized my mom had me do that, because she was thinking of re-marrying him. I don't know why she kept wanting to stick with him. They did have 15 years of an ok marriage, but you have to let people go sometimes. So I visited him. His computer had dozens of women in swimsuits as his screen saver. That made me feel uncomfortable clearly, so I asked him to change it, and he did. I didn't see much improvement with him. He seemed very crazy to me still.  

Years later he molested more kids. They were his step-grandkids. I was a bit shocked to hear about it. I thought surely he was better by then, but some people never change. His entire life he has led Bible studies at church. I'm sure he was trying to rehabilitate himself. His last 10 years he was leading Bible studies while in prison. I can only hope that helped him overcome his sexual addiction. Hopefully he finally found God. 

Coming Out of the Darkness

 

I have seen many people improve their lives and the main reason was Jesus. Some say religion is just a crutch, but if you need that crutch to better your life, isn't it then a good thing? 

I have helped a few people get saved in person. I don't know how many have been saved through my online ministry but hopefully a ton. There are two people I probably will be praying for and trying to save until I die, my mom and my brother. Please pray they will see the light someday. Mainly they are both hurting and so they won't let God in, and they won't let love in. They are both very stubborn, and it's their way or the highway. I have no idea if they will ever soften their heart to God. It is very sad. 

My friend in high school I worked on converting for about 10 years. Yes, 10 years. :) One night I was at her house and shared my testimony with her. One day at church I said to her, "You know Jesus said, 'You are either for me or against me.'" That day at church she raised her hand to get saved and was baptized shortly after that. I didn't know if I would ever be able to help her get saved, but it finally worked. 

Recently I helped a co-worker come back to God. He had fallen away for awhile and got lost in drugs and drinking. I put Bible verses on sticky notes all over our Papa John's store. That annoyed some people, but I think it helped him to remember his roots. The most important one I put up was, "It is not for kings to drink wine." I was hoping to help him give up his alcoholism. He kept drinking and that actually is what killed him, but at least I helped him to re-connect with God. He died a year ago, but I believe he is in heaven now. 

I had an ex where I helped him forget about the homosexual community. We had broken up but were hanging out as friends. He was saying he kind of wanted to get back into that. I decided to get back with him to prevent him from doing that. I could never fully understand him. He was raised in church but somehow got caught up in that after his first divorce. I guess he was mad at women for a while, or he thought he couldn't make love work with a woman, so he tried being gay for a season. I encouraged him to get involved in church. He was even helping in leading worship. I was so proud of him. 

Anyone can change from whatever their personal darkness is into God's light. It doesn't matter what your sin is, God can rescue you and change you. You just have to let him. You have to be open to getting rescued by God. So often people want to drown. Others come along who might be able to help them, but they just say, "No thank you. I know I'm drowning, but I like it." Let God save you. Don't be so proud that you can't admit you need help. 

Second Chances

 It is great to get second chances, but they are also sad. I hate that I am having to start all over again from square one. When I think back to what went wrong, it wasn't just one thing. The break up of my former family was everyone's fault. 

My step-dad should have been appropriate with my girls, but he was too much of an idiot to know what is normal. My mom was not always nice to my girls, and that really annoyed me a lot. I spent too much time and money on Amazon. My ex-husband didn't want to work anymore once he imagined people were following him in cars literally everywhere he went. He couldn't say goodbye to his toxic friends, which messed up our relationship the most. My ex-mother in law was happy to take care of my 3 favorite people, which quickly cut me out of the picture. 

Families just fall apart, and there isn't much to be done about it. Paul said, "Those who marry will face many troubles in this life." Not much does last forever in our modern world. It is best to expect that rather than think things will last forever. Then you won't be shocked when things don't work. Never get too prideful and think you will never lose those closest to you. You never know when the fire will start and your whole world will burn up. You have to be mentally ready for anything. 

When your world goes into a fire, try to re-create yourself. Do you want something different than what you had before? Figure out what could be better and make it happen. 

Sibling Rivalry

I just saw a great movie. It's called Straight A's. It is about two brothers fighting over one girl. Ah typical love triangle movie. They are always interesting. The title Straight A's drew me in because that was my goal my entire life. My dad told me once getting A's is like gathering gold nuggets. The more you can get, the better it is. That was a good analogy. Most of my grades were A's, except college Spanish. I didn't do as well in those classes. 

I always did extremely well in school. My brother always did pretty badly. I blame it on the Ritalin my mom had him take. I don't think it made him smarter. I think it only made life worse for him. 

Anytime someone has siblings, there will be competition. Some say it is hardest to be raised as an only child. I don't know if that is true. I think one or more siblings can really make your life more difficult. They might influence you to get into trouble. They might molest you. They might steal all the attention of your parents so you seem invisible most of the time. I always felt like I didn't exist because my big brother got all the attention. I knew how to blend in well and be quiet. He knew how to get as much attention as he wanted. 

With my two daughters, I could tell the youngest would be like me. She was very compliant and sweet. The sweet kid often gets ignored. I gave her as much attention as I could. I probably seemed to favor her, but I didn't want her to get ignored on account of her big sister, who was very loud and very talented. Serenity was a wonderful singer and dancer. She was naturally super athletic, like her mom. Joy was really good at coloring, and she seemed like she was a born genius. At least they both were born with good skills. 

Hopefully they will both get plenty of praise and adoration their whole lives, so they won't ever get jealous of each other. May God keep their love cup full so they will turn out ok. I keep praying they will marry whoever their first boyfriend is. I wish I would have married my first boyfriend. I think my life would have gone a whole lot better. I hope they both find a great boyfriend when they are ready, who will provide for them and treat them like queens. :)

Catholics

 I looked into the life of Sam Smith to try figuring out why he did the Grammy performance that he did. He was raised partly in Catholic school. I knew it! My dad was raised in Catholic school for a while. I always wondered if that was a main reason why my dad got really messed up in the head. He ended up being a child molester and violated a few kids other than me. I know Catholics teach that any sexual desire should be ignored and stifled. That doesn't help people to actually ignore them. You just feel like you are in a cage, and you can't wait to get out and have some fun. 

I had a similar experience with my private Christian college. The entire time I was there, I was so sad about how all the guys seemed to be gay. They all seemed to have no interest in dating. Of course, it was partly that they invested a lot in that college, and they didn't want to jeopardize finishing over some silly relationship. I went there hoping to meet a great Christian guy to marry. Instead, they all seemed to be not interested in love or sex at all. That was both good and bad. We were all repressed really. No fun. No love. Or if there was any love happening, it was a huge secret. 

What happened to me after college? With the first idiot to show interest in me, I was all over him. I seriously regretted losing my virginity to him, but I was repressed for 4 years. I didn't even kiss a guy for 3.5 years while I was there. It was a very unique college experience for sure. 

I wonder if my dad and Sam Smith felt that way about their private school time also. You can't try to ignore your basic desires for too long. At some point you will just go crazy and swing to the total opposite side. All things in moderation. 

It is the same as people who try dieting and then after the diet, they pig out on lots of junk food. Then what was the point of doing the diet? There was almost no point. You can only suppress your desires for so long before you will lose control. 

As far as Catholic priests, someone needs to tell them to just get married. That would be a million times better than them molesting little boys, which I know still happens a lot. If they want sex, just pick a woman, and they can tell their church sorry, but it was a need that they had. Too many kids are getting molested by priests, and it needs to end. I am wondering maybe if Sam Smith was molested by a priest. I pray God will heal his wounds from whoever messed with him sexually. 

And may all of us who were messed with as kids, heal from our wounds. May any bitterness fall away from our hearts. May we learn to trust people in general again, and not just want to hide for the rest of our lives. May God help us to believe in the goodness of humanity again, at some point. And may Sam Smith stop worshipping Satan. He might think that will give him power and fame, but that is the worst way to go about it. 

Get Lavendar

 "In addition to its pleasant scent, lavender has a variety of important health benefits, which include its ability to relieve stress, improve mood, promote restful sleep, lower skin irritation, prevent infections, reduce inflammation, eliminate dandruff, and soothe stomach bloating."

I now have Lavendar scented trash bags and toilet paper. I just got Lavendar tea. 

I suppose next I'll get Lavendar shampoo. Maybe I should buy a Lavendar plant and put in my kitchen. That would be fun. :)

Staying Home

 Women are meant to stay at home. The main reason is due to how perverse our world is now. It is a lot less safe out there for women than it used to be. In almost any job, all the attractive women will feel sexually harassed non-stop. The unattractive women usually get way more attention then they want also.

Men should almost never stay home for too long. They need to be out working. It they ever stay home a lot, they will go crazy. I saw 3 guys go crazy after being at home for too long. They start to feel useless and insecure. Men were designed to be hard workers. It they have no work, they start to lose their mind. They lose all their confidence. It can be nice to have a break, but just a short break. 

This also transfers to kids. Boys should be outside a lot. Girls should mostly stay inside. It just fits the natural order of God's design. If boys could have non-stop PE in school and learn all that they need to, they would grow up better. 

Too many women now are trying to be men. Ladies, just embrace that God made you a woman and learn to relax. Then the men will be more likely to step up their game. 

And men, stop expecting your woman to do everything. Get to work yourself. You aren't a baby. Or at least you should not be a baby. 

Just Do It

 Don't let fear tie you up. This pandemic has made us all a lot more afraid. I know for myself I have become somewhat of a hermit. I was happy to get to become a hermit but still, I need to be less afraid. Not everyone out there might get me sick. Or maybe they will....ah....

Anyways whatever you need to get done, just do it. No more procrastinating. You know you will feel better if you get it done. So just do it. :)

Drink More Water

 If you want to feel better and stay healthy, drink more water. God told me if everyone drank as much water as I do, the entire world would almost never get sick. I drink over a gallon of water a day. Luckily my bf is willing to get me more cases of water anytime I need it. He is so great! 

My excessive water intake all started when I went to Mexico for a missions trip at age 17. They told us to drink water all day so we wouldn't get dehydrated. From that point on, I drank a ton more. I took water with me every place I went. My water bottle was my constant little best friend. :)

It is great to think of water as your best friend. It is our most important need besides sleep. Drink more water each day. If you need to go to the bathroom more, oh well. At least you will become more healthy. 

Sam Smith and The Grammy's

 A big uproar was felt recently over the Grammy's and the performance done by Sam Smith. The odd thing is I think what he did may have been an almost Christian thing. He is trying to get people to wake up to the evil that has always been out there. I'm sure he wants people to pray for him, at least a little. He obviously has gotten caught up in evil, and I'm sure he wants a way out if he can get one. He should go see the movie coming out March 13th, "Come Out in Jesus' Name." If you know him, tell him to go see it. :) It will be a super great movie about the Deliverance Ministry that is a big holy fire in America right now. 

Sam's performance was a creepy performance for sure. He probably was hoping to sell more music. That is the main reason he made it so outrageous. The odd thing is the lyrics of the song are almost like him telling another man's secrets. I was wondering if it's someone in his family. It is about a man cheating on his wife, maybe with gay guys or in orgies. It is about the married man going to hidden underground parties, that go on often. We all just never really think about it or know about them. 

Maybe Sam Smith was like, "Here you go America. This is happening all around you, in your own families and you don't even see it. Let me blow the cover off of this for you." I like that he is English. Since the beginning of history, the English have been the most Christian nation. I think his roots are making him want to come out of the darkness, but he doesn't know how to. Pray for him to see the light and to come home to Jesus. 

It was meant to be a warning song and a warning performance. I think he literally is hoping that Christians will wake up. Time to get up lazy Christians. Rise up out of your depression and apathy. Time to fight the good fight of faith seriously. You don't have to have been Christian for a long time to go out and fight evil or pray against all the evil. You could have gotten saved today. Sometimes that is the best time to want to fight the evil off, when you have just seen the light about it yourself. 

There are people lost all around you. Jesus said, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few." Will you be a laborer for God in your circle of influence? Blow the cover off. Take the sheep skin off. Reveal the evil that is underneath. It is time for everyone to give up hiding. Time for authenticity and true repentance and change. Something needs to get done about all the evil in this crazy world. 

May God bless you!

Getting Slain

2 Thessalonians 2:9-12 

The coming of the lawless one is by the activity of Satan with all power and false signs and wonders, and with all wicked deception for those who are perishing, because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. Therefore God sends them a strong delusion, so that they may believe what is false, in order that all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness.

Part of the story of how Lonnie got Calvary Chapel to grow in membership and then the Vineyard denomination was great moves of the Holy Spirit. It could have been a random spirit though and not the Holy Spirit. His friend said in a few meetings Lonnie would say, "Holy Spirit come" and 300 people would get slain in the spirit, meaning they would all fall on the ground. I have always seen this as black and white, that acts like that are always demonic. Why? Because of the verse that says, "God is a God of order, not disorder." These demonstrations are actually what caused Chuck Smith to abandon Lonnie for a long time. They had a church split over that, or a leadership split. Chuck probably felt like I always have, that people falling in the Spirit can't be of God since it's never talked about in the Bible. People fall on their faces willingly in the Bible, but they don't fall down as if they lost control of their own body. That is demonic possession. The only time a person loses control over their body is when an evil spirit possesses them. 

I was realizing yesterday, that is almost exactly what happened in my divorce. I abandoned my ex-husband basically for the same reason. He wouldn't let his obsession with that go, getting slain in the "spirit." He always wanted to go to churches where he might fall over in the spirit. I wanted him to avoid all that, but it seemed like he couldn't. It was like an addiction, a religious addiction. 

Ever since I saw a video of Benny Hinn causing people to fall over randomly, I have been very opposed to all that. I am ok with the gift of tongues, because the Bible talks about it. I have never felt ok in my spirit with people falling down in church services. I don't think God intended for that to ever happen in church. 

Overall, I agree with Chuck Smith on that. I think it is sorcery and witchcraft to make people fall over in the "spirit." What spirit is making them do that? How can anyone say that is the Holy Spirit? 

Of course, it could just be that I don't understand what I have never experienced. I have never felt like falling down in church. I have never felt overwhelmed by a feeling in my life really. I am just a very not emotional person. I have always been very logical and practical. I don't let myself get swept away due to anything. 

I was remembering something I heard from a friend on Facebook. A guy said there was a revival meeting at his church where a lot of people fell over in the spirt. After that a lot of the men exhibited gay tendencies. That made me think of how Lonnie was basically a closet homosexual. Was that why? Is there a connection there? Maybe he was so into this other manifestation that was bringing in gay evil spirits, but he didn't realize it. 

This is why the Bible says to "test the spirits." It is great when former drug addicts get involved in church. It is nice to see their lives transformed. The issue is they have a difficult time letting that high feeling go. Anyone who used to smoke pot a lot or do any drug always seems to feel pulled back into that. They can't stay away for long. They can then transfer that wish to be high onto the "Holy Spirit." They fake manifest this feeling but with evil spirit instead of pot. They don't know what they are doing. It just happens, because they can't let that drug high feeling go. 

The Bible never tells us to get high in the Spirit. It commands us to be sober. Here are some great verses on that topic: 

1 Peter 5:8 

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

1 Peter 4:7 

The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers.

1 Thessalonians 5:6 

So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober.

1 Timothy 3:2 

Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,

Ephesians 5:18 

Do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit,

1 Peter 1:13 

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

Titus 2:2 

Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness.

Proverbs 20:1 

Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, and whoever is led astray by it is not wise.

2 Timothy 4:5 

As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.

Galatians 5:21 

Envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Stay sober. Don't get high, in any way. Do God's work and keep your mind alert always. 

Greg Laurie

 Probably a man who had the hardest life ever was Pastor Greg Laurie. Look up the YouTube video Greg Laurie's Testimony. It is wonderfully done. I attended most of his Harvest Crusade revival services from the time I was 14 to 25. Every time I went to one, my life and my faith were drastically changed and improved. 

Pastor Laurie's mom had tons of abusive relationships that he had to be around as a child. He had to go to military school. Later in life his son died in a car accident. 

I think Satan knew his great potential. He wanted to stop him, but praise God it never worked. 

I can relate to his life story in many ways. My dad was sexually and verbally abusive. I lost my daughters, not due to death but divorce. All I can say to that is "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, but still blessed be the name of the Lord." 

God knows how strong or weak we are. He knows how much suffering we could handle. I often wish he didn't push us to the limit of that, but our faith shines brighter through the trials of life. We can have more of a heart for lost sinners who have suffered as much as we have. 

So often "Christians" are cold and callous toward others. They don't get it. They have almost never suffered through anything. 

When you have had a life full of pain, you care deeply about others more. It is in being broken that we find true life. "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it." Lose your life for God, not the world. Let him transform your heart and be a witness for him anywhere you go. 

Hippie Or Accountant

 I am watching lots of YouTube videos now about Lonnie Frisbee, the hippie preacher of the 70's Jesus Revolution. The movie out now by that title is mainly about him. He had some issues with following leadership and wanting to beat to his own drum, but he was an amazing evangelist. 

I used to always think of myself as more of a hippie. I suppose that is because all my uncles were kind of hippies. They got into drugs. They were rebellious. I always thought they were super cool. They were non-conformists. But sometimes it is better to just conform. For example, there are a few things I should have been more compliant on in my past and I wish I would have been. 

It isn't always good to be a rebel. It can lead into sin, obviously. It is easy to distrust authority and distrust everyone, but that is no way to live. Hopefully we all will find a few people we can trust and lead a normal and compliant lifestyle free of conflict and rebellion. 

I suppose we all can jump back and forth between wanting to be rebellious and free, to also wanting to blend in and hide out. When we get tired of getting picked on, we decide to fall in line. We finally submit to authority. It can be fun to buck against whatever system you are around, but it can be better to just do what needs to get done too. 

Try to not rebel too much. In the long run, it is better to fall in line and be compliant. 

Jesus Revolution

 A new movie is out about the Jesus Movement of the 70's. Have you all seen it? It is called Jesus Revolution. I would go see it, except that I have to pee way to often now being pregnant. The movie is mainly about Lonnie Frisbee, who was a mover and shaker back in the day. He was a very outgoing person. I found a great video on YouTube done by his best friend titled, "The True Story of Lonnie Frisbee." He says Lonnie really was the one who started the Calvary movement and then the Vineyard Movement. He could heal people in droves. I believe it was just because he had the faith that they would be healed. It didn't mean he was some superhuman, but he did have super great faith. 

Lonnie was sexually abused as a child. This led to him having random sexual relationships. I think at some point he hooked up with a guy, probably just once, and that is why he died of AIDS. He said in a book he wrote, that his friend read in the video, that he did not practice the homosexual lifestyle, so that is good. He was molested by a male babysitter when he was only 8. I can imagine that led to a lot of gender confusion for him. I believe he is still in heaven now, because he did so much for growing God's church. 

No one is perfect. There is a video interview with Greg Laurie where he is adamantly defending Lonnie. He can understand people would be confused why he helped make a movie about Lonnie since he died of AIDS. He said all through the Bible we see God uses imperfect people to accomplish what he wants to have done. His point was that we still should honor his life and accomplishments even though he had gay tendencies. That did not make him a non-Christian. He was simply a Christian with a struggle, and we all have our own struggles don't we?

The entire reason Greg Laurie was saved in the first place was because of Lonnie. He came to Greg's high school and was giving a sermon out on a grassy field. Greg decided that day to say the prayer. After that he quit drugs and started going to church. Then he went on to be the main person besides Billy Graham to help save millions around the world for the rest of his life. That was all credited to Lonnie just reaching out to the lost kids in some random high school that God most likely called him to. 

Greg Laurie then basically saved me. I looked up to him a lot in my teens and attended his Harvest Crusades. They weren't healing services. They were just a place of great worship and preaching, and a way to expose us all to great Christian music that really helped me grow in God. I am as Christian as I am now because of those Crusades that he funded and ran. Thank you Greg Laurie. :)

So ultimately, I owe my own strong walk with God to Lonnie. Lonnie saved Greg and Greg helped me get saved. So thank you Lonnie.

If you like to read, go buy his three books that Lonnie Frisbee wrote. They sound like they could be the best books you have ever read, besides mine. His might be better though. :)

Chuck Smith

 Pastor Chuck Smith started a movement in Orange Country, CA in the 70's. They called it the Jesus Movement. The movie out now called Jesus Revolution is about It. Go see it. :) 

The movement involved hundreds of young hippies getting saved. I just saw his interview with Greg Laurie. It must have been done only months before he died. He looked like the happiest person I've ever seen. He somewhat reminded me of my grandma. 

My dad's mom was Catholic and went to Catholic mass every morning at 7am. I was always amazed that she did that every single day. Catholics know how to take religion seriously. I believe she is for sure in heaven now. Some believe Catholics aren't saved, but I do. 

Maybe someday I can be like Chuck Smith, despite me being female. Usually women don't start churches, but it could happen. I could start one church that leads to many churches like he did. 🙂☺😀👏😁

Cheating

 I have been watching lots of movies lately. Cheating is a very common theme in chick flicks, which is mostly what is available on YouTube. I noticed in two movies, when the side girl met the wife, she broke it off. In The Waitress and Three to Tango that is what happened. They both thought the wife seemed really nice and really in love with her husband, so they finally felt bad for letting him have an affair with them. In the movie Serious Moonlight, the side girl met the wife, but clearly she thought she was better than her. That movie is for sure worth watching. It was hilarious. The wife taped her husband to a chair until he decided to stay with her and not run away with his side girl. That is one way to do it. 

Why does cheating happen? Usually, a man naturally has two very close women in his life, his mom and his mate. There is some competition between those two women, but it's way better than a man having two romantic partners. I guess all men need two women watching over them. If they aren't close to their mom, they feel inclined I suppose to have two romantic partners. 

Most women have their partner and a brother they are close to or a work friend. They should be close to their dad, but so many fathers are deadbeats now, so it is probably a friend or a brother. I think that helps a woman feel more comforted if she has two men that want to help her, or can help her. Women cheat when they don't have a good dad or brother or guy friend. 

We all need support from more than just one person. You can't put all your eggs in one basket, or at least that is never wise. You never know what might happen with people. Everyone can be unpredictable. Life is very unpredictable. Always have a safety net for yourself emotionally, if nothing else. It is good to keep a best friend other than your mate. Have close family relationships, if you can. Everyone needs extra love and support sometimes. 

But don't cheat. It is seriously wrong to have sex with two people at once. Our natural selves just know it's wrong. I was cheated on one time. It was most likely due to me working long hours. I should have let that guy go and just be with the younger girl. I tried to hang on to him, but maybe that was a giant mistake. The relationship was never a very good one. If someone ever cheats on who they are with, it's because they don't want to be with them anymore. Let that cheater go. Just accept reality and move on to someone else that knows how to be faithful. Find someone who will genuinely appreciate you. Don't give that cheater another chance. If they want more than you, then good luck to them finding it. 

If you are a cheater, you need to work on being more grateful for who you have. They don't have to be with you. You are lucky that they stick with you. No person is perfect. If you think you will find a perfect person, give up that hope. It is never going to happen. If you aren't happy with what you have, you won't be happy with anyone. Stop cheating and learn to be thankful for what you already have. 

Heartburn

 I was having horrible heartburn. I finally found the ultimate cure. Tums almost never fully works. This is what helps a lot. I put an icy hot patch made my Salonpas on my chest where I think the muscle is that dictates if stomach acid can come up. It worked! I will also start drinking only tea instead of regular or decaf coffee. The best teas for heartburn are ginger and chamomile. 

The most important way to prevent heartburn is to keep your stress low, sleep more and eat very healthy. It isn't easy to eat healthy the entire day but it's possible. 

I started having more issues after eating some brownies and possibly too many peanut mm's. 

It is ideal to eat mainly fruit and veggies all day and drink only water, milk and decaf tea. I have always known that. It is just a matter of doing it. 

Make Your Own Heaven

 You never know what kind of life you can have until you have it. If you want your dream to come true, make it happen. Don't be lazy. You are in charge of your own happiness. So often we just sit around waiting for someone else to come make us happy. That almost never works. Then you spend most of your life waiting and doing nothing. Find your own happiness. Figure out what would make you happy and pursue that vision. 

I had a wonderful life 4 years ago. I had two beautiful girls and a beautiful house. I hope to have all that again. It is a dream that I hold in my heart. It is sad that I lost it all, but things can always happen again. You can always find your own heaven again. 

My current dream is to have a beach house still and either one or two girls again. I want to have the blow up pools in the backyard again and the fun on scooters and bikes. I want to have the fun with kittens and my girls again. 

It is good to remember the dream when you suffer. I keep having terrible heartburn, but no pain, no gain right? If you want your dream to happen, you might have to suffer for it. Anything worth doing is hard. You can't expect to get heaven until you first suffer. Like Jesus is now glorified in heaven, but first he had to die on the cross. We all have to die on a cross in some way before our dream will come true. 

It could be said the more you suffer, the greater your reward will be. "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Georgia Rule

 If you have not seen the movie Georgia Rule, go see it. It is free on YouTube. The two main themes ironically are themes from the life of my family and my boyfriend. One is drinking and the other is childhood sexual molestation. When people drink, there is a reason. Usually, it is that no one properly loved them. When teens act out in bad ways, there is a reason. Generally, they were molested by someone close to them as a child. Not that we are all excused for any bad behavior, but God gives grace to those who have been through a storm that seems to last for life. 

No one wants to believe stories that kids tell of sexual abuse. Is it because we think the child doesn't matter? Perhaps most people think the child doesn't have any value until they reach 18 and start making money? 

A lifelong verse I have held onto, as odd as that sounds, is when Jesus said, "If anyone causes one of these little ones to sin, it would be better if a millstone were hung around their neck, and they were drowned into the depths of the seas." That means if any man, or woman, molests a child, they really should get the death penalty. An adult cannot molest a child and still be a normal human being. They deserve to die. They will only hurt society more if they go on living. If I ever become president, which would be cool, I would make a new law giving the death sentence for every single child molester, no matter how severe the molestation. 

There was a video I saw a long time ago of a woman who was Ms. America. Her father was raping her and her 3 sisters every night their entire teen years. How does that happen? How can a father turn on his daughters like that and do that to them? My dad told my mom his intention was to rape me. Why she decided to stay married to him another year, I could never understand. She is dumb, but a lot of women are when it comes to "love."

Some men only think with their penis. They don't have any self-control. Maybe they aren't in love with the woman they are with. Then leave. Don't molest a child. You picked who you did to marry, and you have to live with it. If you want someone else, find a single adult, not a single child. 

In the movie you never can tell if the daughter is telling the truth, that her step-dad raped her. Child molesters are good at appearing innocent and good. They are good liars. No one would ever think they are con artists in a family. Ironically when the horror movie step-father came out, my step-dad told my mom to not let me see that. Why? Because he knew he was in disguise. He was not as innocent as he made us believe that he was. The entire movie is about the son trying to figure out if his step-dad is a killer or not. 

Don't just assume that everyone is a good person. People can easily be a wolf in sheepskin. See past the disguise to what is underneath. You have to learn to be "as wise as serpents but as innocent as a dove."

Revivals in America

I remember learning about revivals in my High School English class. I always admired my teacher for talking about his faith in our public high school. He was Catholic. My goal a few times was to fill his shoes someday. Maybe I still will. :) He had us read "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God." Also we read "City on a Hill" by Johnathan Winthrop. Both were sermons that were given around the start of America. I was fascinated by the stories of the early revivals. 

Then no move of God seemed to happen in America for a long time, until Billy Graham. It could be said millions of people were saved due to Billy Graham's revivals. He basically paved the way for Joyce Meyer and her giant conferences. The issue with her ministry though is that it was just to women, which may explain why the men seemed to be more degenerate than the women in the last 30 years. Now her ministry is slowing down, because she is currently 84. I always thought I wanted to be the next her. Who knows. It might happen. Steven Furtick seems to be keeping the torch of revival going. His church is putting out non-stop life changing worship music. Good job Elevation Church! He is doing his Elevation Nights, which are basically revival nights in cities all over America. Good job Furtick and Elevation team! 

For a while Joel Osteen was doing his Night of Hope in every major city around America. I was super excited about that. I never got to go to one, but I wanted to. Greg Laurie had his Harvest America conferences for a while. I went to a bunch of his Harvest Crusades in Orange County, CA when I was a teenager and in my 20's. His revival meetings were a major reason why I kept my faith alive as much as I did. I walked out on the baseball stadium field twice to recommit my life to God. It was a very exciting experience both times!

There was the crazy era of Benny Hinn in the 90's. He tried to have revivals. Ok, he had revivals, but they seemed very staged to me. I don't think he has ever been an actual saved Christian. I think people really got healed at his meetings, simply because they had the faith to be healed. The more people that got healed caused others to be healed, because of the atmosphere of extreme faith and hope. But Benny Hinn himself is not a faith healer. Those don't even really exist. It is just a thing humans came up with to give credibility to an imposter or a fake teacher. He taught some good things, but it was all scripted. He didn't really know what he was preaching about. 

About 15 years ago there was the "Lakeland Revival" led by Todd Bentley in Florida. I think the whole thing was a scam. He had 4 kids at the time, and he probably just wanted to make a lot of money off of it. I read two of his bio books. He was not filled with the Holy Spirit. I know for sure it was an evil spirit. The way he wrote about his electricity zap effect he had on those around him sounded demonic, not from God. Why would God give someone that much odd power? He wouldn't. Bentley did not know at all what he was doing in regards to God. He was not raised in church. He just had "encounters" that were demonic and false. The only reason I looked into his life was that my ex-husband considered him a guru or a prophet. I didn't see why. He was not a guru and does not deserve to be seen that way by anyone. Be careful who you choose to listen to or even worship. Most people don't deserve your total admiration at all. 

Here are some Christian leaders who do deserve your admiration; Steven Furtick, Jentezen Franklin, Joyce Meyer, Charles Stanley, Beth Moore, Greg Laurie, Joel Osteen and Francis Chan. Look them up on YouTube. You will be glad you listened to them if you do. 

Recently, there was the beautiful and genuine filling with the Holy Spirit in the Asbury Revival. I love that there were no major speakers who led it. It was just a bunch of people wanting to feel the Holy Spirit more. You can feel the Holy Spirit in any place at any time, but it can be more strong in settings like that, where everyone is intent on pressing in and wanting to see God better. 

Revival can happen anywhere. I saw a prophetic video about revivals about to break out among all the college campuses in America. That would be tight if that happened. God's will be done. We need more of God's Holy Spirit in the world. Hopefully the God fire from Asbury will burn brighter and hotter and will inspire every other college, even the secular ones, to do the same. You never know. It could happen. And maybe every church across America will have their own small revival. Maybe they will all start having extended meetings where everyone prays for each other, where there can be spontaneous worship and testimonies for hours and no one wants to leave. It doesn't need to get weird. It can just be normal church, but more of an on fire church, where people truly want to see God. They don't care about themselves anymore. They just want to see God. 

I think so many people are scared of revival, because they think it will become odd, with fake signs and wonders and healings where no one believes it was real. It doesn't have to be about all that. It can just be seeking God more for himself, and not what he does for us. That is the most pure and real form of revival, where people just want more of God and not the signs and wonders. They only care about seeing God more clearly. May we see that kind of revival all around the world soon.