Expectations

I realized recently that my mom never said to me, "When are you going to give me grandkids?" You always see that in movies. I think it was after my dad sexually molested me that she gave up any dream of a perfect family being possible. Her parents were mostly happy. They stayed married for 65 years, but they fought a lot. My grandpa was abusive to the kids. Maybe my mom had wanted a very different life for me. She wasn't waiting to marry me off like all the moms in Jane Austen novels. She wanted me to go to college and finish maybe so I could run my own life. I think she wanted me to never be dependent on a man. But I still have been, and it has been a fun ride. 

In high school and college my grandma would always ask me, "Do you have a boyfriend." I would say, "No." She would say, "Good, keep it that way." I think she wanted me to avoid marriage if I could. 

I realized a while ago that I have never seen a truly happy marriage. My grandparents seemed happy on the outside, but I knew they were not. My mom and dad seemed happy, but if they were, why did he molest me? My mom and step-dad never seemed happy. I always saw them as just roommates living together. There was not much love between them. 

A lot of couples resign to that though, just being roommates. The passion fades. The enamor you may have felt goes away after they say or do a few dumb things. The love cools off. You stay friends, but there is less excitement the longer you are with them. You no longer stare at them while they sleep. You aren't dying for them to come home like you used to. But who can sustain that kind of infatuation for long? It can feel like idolatry, which I think is why it fades for most couples. They feel maybe that is wrong to be that obsessed with another person. 

We all have expectations for love and marriage and raising children, but eventually we change our expectations to be more realistic. The reason people get mad about anything is because they are not willing to change their expectations. What do you deserve? What do they deserve? It is nice to do the best you can, but that is all you can do. That is all they can do. 

Motherhood is often something girls dream about. We grow up thinking, "I'll be the perfect mom someday." But there is no perfect mom. It is not possible to be perfect. We do the best we can. I felt very disappointed in myself for not giving my current child more breast milk. I tried nursing a few times. I think he was just too weak because he was a primi. I tried pumping a lot. It was a very slow process. Usually I felt I needed sleep more then I needed to pump myself. But then I felt guilty for not giving him more breast milk. I felt God tell me a few times to let myself off the hook for that. 

It is so hard to care for your man and your child and yourself, but it's important to figure out how to do that. Women often only think of the needs of others, and we tend to neglect ourselves. That is one reason I allow myself to buy a few fun things every week that will make me happy. I think all mothers needs to do that, so they can still get things they want too. Food doesn't really make me happy, but solar powered lights do. :) If you give and give and give, eventually you will burn out. It is good to reward yourself in some way for all that you do. 

Don't worry too much if you don't do everything you were hoping to do as a mother. It takes time to become a great mom. We all struggle in various ways. We need help. Accept the help that others try to give you. Give yourself breaks to relax. Try to still get outside. Get a stroller to take your baby outside. Remember that you are doing the best you can and be kind to yourself. Positive self talk will make your days go a lot better.