Flashbacks

When I met my bf Zach I asked if his birth name was Zachariah. It was Zachary. Close enough! My birth name was Elizabeth. In the Bible those two have a son, and they name him John. I told him, "Maybe if we have a son we will name him John like Elizabeth and Zachariah did." He liked that idea. That was like the second day we met up. I guess I was hoping we would have a son from the very beginning. 

But then I was thinking my baby would be a girl. I wanted to fully replace my two daughters. God asked me a few times though, "Do you want a boy so you have a different experience this time?" I said, "Ok that is fine." :)

It is better to have a son this time I think. It is nice that things are different. I feel more inclined to hug him. I don't know if it's because he is a boy or just that I am older and more loving now. It might also be that I am just happier now with my current man and our life. I have made our home very happy with cute home decor. We have a beautiful backyard that I have worked hard on. Everything I could ever want is here. Except a bike. I still want to find a great bike. 

I keep having PTSD though in regards to my baby. I keep being worried that things that happened to my first two girls will also happen to him. When Serenity, my first daughter, was about 2 she rolled off my bed. We were all playing, and the girls were playing hide and go seek under the blanket. Serenity started rolling and rolled right off the bed onto the hard wood floor. I hope that didn't affect her brain forever. Now I am overly cautious with having my baby boy on an adult bed, as I should be. 

Another time my second born, Joy, rolled off a changing table. Luckily it was onto carpeted floor. There was a bar on the side but she rolled right over the bar. Now I worry if my baby is ever on the changing table. Most kids don't do risky things like that but you never know. 

I plan to never get a scooter or a bike for my baby boy. When Serenity was 5 she fell off her scooter pretty hard. We were on a bike trail and she went down a hill on her scooter. I thought she could handle it, but she wasn't an Olympic athlete like I literally saw her as. She lost balance at the bottom of the long hill and fell on her forehead. That was probably the incident that broke our whole family up. Maybe I was mad at my ex and he was mad at me for not telling her to walk down that hill. 

It is hard to be a parent. One minute with them can change their entire life, and your entire life. She healed ok. I put ice on the bump on her head when we got home. But still, it was a very hard day for all of us. 

Another day, months before that, Joy fell off her bike. She teetered over and fell at the end of the driveway, because driveways have those retarded mini hills on the sides. The handle bar fell on her finger and her fingernail cut her finger kind of badly. We took her to the ER for stitches. That was probably the scariest day of my life. It was just her finger but still, I freaked out. 

So never again will I give a kid a scooter or a bike. I'm sure my boy could get hurt in other ways, but hopefully he won't. Maybe he will live a totally sheltered and perfect life. If he ever does get hurt, may God help me to handle it with peace. But mostly I just hope he will never get hurt.